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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2012 10:53:46 GMT -5
Angel gets mother of the year award for telling her kid how great it is that she is adopted, but you cut down your friends when they say how great it is that you adopted? Huh it was a joke. I don't actually cut down anyone when they say she is lucky she was adopted by us. I said it irritated me because I am the one that is the lucky one. I also don't want DD to think that things can't be joked about. I wasn't trying to make her feel bad for being adopted and she knew that.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 1, 2012 10:54:44 GMT -5
Thyme: You cut down people who are trying to make your child feel grateful to you for being adopted. Do people try to make bio kids feel grateful for their parents decision to have kids? Raising an adopted child to have a happy, healthy attitude toward adoption is very different from telling your child they should be thanking you for being adopted.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 1, 2012 11:14:16 GMT -5
I do.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 1, 2012 11:31:19 GMT -5
Thyme: As long as you're telling the bio kids they were lucky to be born, then I have no problems with you telling adopted kids they were lucky to be adopted. My problem is the people who think adopted kids should somehow be more grateful than bio kids.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 1, 2012 13:06:52 GMT -5
Nope, but I have a friend from India and she tells me what it's like for most girls there and how lucky she is to have had educated parents who came to the states. I can only go by what she says but it sounds as though Muslims have no monopoly on treating women like shit.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2012 13:23:15 GMT -5
I think all kids who end up in a good family should feel lucky. Lousy parents is just the beginning - even in today's world, kids are growing up on the streets in abject poverty, growing up in war zones, still working in sweat shops, etc. etc. We tell our kids all the time that life is not fair, and they are, by far, on the winning end of that statement. And then I eat the last cookie in front of them. They need to have some adversity to build character. Not to through a wrench in this love-in but not all adopted children go to loving kind homes. Just a thought. Guess those are the unlucky ones?
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 1, 2012 13:28:03 GMT -5
Yes they are. As unlucky as the kids who are born into unkind and unloving homes.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 1, 2012 13:30:24 GMT -5
Yes they are. As unlucky as the kids who are born into unkind and unloving homes. True. There is an assumption made that adopted children should be grateful, I'm just saying such is not always the case.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Nov 1, 2012 13:33:11 GMT -5
If I did decide to adopt, I'd be very reluctant to adopt any kid that was older than say 1 or 2. These kids likely end up with severe emotional problems. While I feel for them, I'm not really equipped to handle severe emotional and behavioral problems. Even with babies though, it's possible they may be suffering from lingering effects of the mother's drug abuse.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 1, 2012 14:12:12 GMT -5
Tell me about it. My aunt got a 3 year old. Who'd have thought she'd come with loads of problems and this was before all the drug and alcohol abuse by pregnant mothers. Just bad luck but my aunt did the best she could for her.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 12, 2012 15:58:37 GMT -5
Just an update: I met my friend and her daughter for a play date. I asked her if she wanted to do something Friday night, and she told me she can't do anything on Fridays anymore.
The adoption is taking so long and costing so much money that she's had to go back to waitressing part time to help pay for it. And she has a pretty good full-time job already. They just built a new house, so the adoption costs on top of the cost of their mortgage is really hurting them.
Her husband wants to stop the whole process because it's breaking them financially and emotionally. She is unwilling to stop or change any of her criteria. I don't know what I would do if I were them. If they stop they've lost so much money and have nothing to show for it. But then how long do you keep shelling out money if you can't do it?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 12, 2012 16:04:02 GMT -5
She isn't going to get a perfect white baby of the gender she wants. Life isn't fair. We just donated 25k and ended up with no new grandchildren. It sucks for sure but we knew going into it that we were probably pissing the money away. We chose to do it anyway.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 12, 2012 16:14:05 GMT -5
I just hope this doesn't become something that creates a wedge in her marriage and with the little girl they already have.
I don't say much because that is not an area where I have any intention of offering ANY opinion whatsoever. Way too serious/dangerous territory. I just listen and say that I'm sorry everything is so frustrating.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 12, 2012 18:26:51 GMT -5
I guess I'm confused as to why they are still paying money... We paid our adoption agency a fee at the start. We won't pay anything again until there's an actual placement. We will have a flat fee from the agency and then legal fees for a lawyer to represent us in the open adoption agreement. But we're not paying monthly fees to stay with the agency and we won't be directly responsible for the birth mother's medical costs. What you're describing sounds more like they got caught up in an adoption scam than working with a reputable agency or lawyer...
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Post by Deleted on Nov 12, 2012 18:37:28 GMT -5
DH and I decided to stop having children in any fashion because of the emotional and financial strain. I hope your friend and her DH find a way to compromise. If your friend isn't willing to give up certain characteristics in order to have a child then maybe it's time for her to be done. DH and I agreed we couldn't cope with a child with physical, emotional, or mental issues and that played a part in our decision to not have any more children, biologically or through adoption.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 12, 2012 18:51:31 GMT -5
I was wondering that too. Unfortunately we weren't really in a good setting for conversation. We were at one of those kids play places with the big climbing area and video games, etc. It was loud, and we were trying to keep an eye on the girls.
We're supposed to meet for lunch soon. I'm hoping to get more of an understanding as to exactly where the adoption situation stands and why they are still paying. I do know they had to pay for a new home study after they built their house and moved into it.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2012 1:06:23 GMT -5
I am assuming that they are paying more money to redo paperwork. Adoption paperwork has an expiration date. If you do not adopt within a certain time frame you have to redo home studies, redo paperwork, etc. When we were adopting our youngest it took us 3 years. We paid more than what was quoted to us because we had to redo stuff that expired during that time.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 13, 2012 10:36:27 GMT -5
Angel: Maybe that's it. Because our adoption comes with a foster license, we have a slightly longer time period. The home study has to be within 6 months for the foster license, but once we have that, we don't need to get a new homestudy unless we move or don't take enough continuing training courses (over 3 years) to maintain the foster license. If you're not getting the foster license, I guess you're paying for new homestudies and background checks every 6 months or so.
I will note that we went with the agency we did because of their low costs (there's even a sliding scale for infant relinquishments that tops out at $25k instead of starting at $25k). We want to adopt, but we don't want it to bankrupt us, and costs were one of DH's biggest concerns when we started investigating our options.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 13, 2012 12:05:47 GMT -5
So does this mean no baby at all, or the baby won't be white and her choice of gender? Again - no one is ever guaranteed a perfect baby of whatever gender. Although, I would have been damn surprised if my babies didn't come out of the gate white.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 13, 2012 15:43:45 GMT -5
She'll be lucky to get a baby, period. A white baby is even harder and now of a specific gender? Please.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 13, 2012 15:47:26 GMT -5
I think it's going to come down to no baby at all if a woman pregnant with a white boy doesn't choose them soon. She is unwilling to bend on the race or the gender. If she's taking on another job and her husband wants to stop the whole process, I don't see them being able to continue down this road for very much longer.
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milee
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Post by milee on Nov 13, 2012 15:48:37 GMT -5
She'll be lucky to get a baby, period. A white baby is even harder and now of a specific gender? Please. Athough adopting a white, male, perfectly healthy baby would have been rare in either of the places I'm familiar with (AZ and SW Florida), this probably varies depending on where OP and her friend live. Has a lot to do with the racial makeup of the majority of the population, so if this is a predominantly white area - and didn't we have a few posters who once stated they hadn't even seen a minority until they went to college? - maybe it's not so unrealistic.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 13, 2012 16:04:14 GMT -5
We're not in an area that I would consider "predominately white." Certain communities have more white people than others, but I can't imagine making it through the grocery store, let alone clear til college, without ever having seen a minority. Plus, some of the women putting their babies up for adoption are also in neighboring states. We're very close to both West Virginia and Ohio. It would be very unlikely any baby she would adopt would come from our county.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Nov 13, 2012 17:02:52 GMT -5
Her husband wants to stop the whole process because it's breaking them financially and emotionally. She is unwilling to stop or change any of her criteria. I don't know what I would do if I were them. If they stop they've lost so much money and have nothing to show for it. But then how long do you keep shelling out money if you can't do it? Before DH and I started IF treatments, we worked through our concerns. For my DH, it was knowing there would be time and money limits. For me, I wanted to limit the kinds of treatment we were getting. I don't know that we would have proceeded if we didn't agree on our limits BEFORE we started..
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Post by Deleted on Nov 13, 2012 17:15:52 GMT -5
Does she want a boy for herself or for her husband?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 13, 2012 17:57:03 GMT -5
What people want isn't always logical. We just "donated" 25k that we knew would never work because a family member wants a girl baby.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Nov 14, 2012 7:33:48 GMT -5
My children aren't adopted but I have to weigh in. I have 2 sons, the loves of my lives. I think if someone REALLY wants children, they will be open to any child. I was asked numerous times if I wish I had a girl. I guess to dress up and 'confide in' and be 'best friends' when they get older and help plan a wedding. Which one of my sons would I give up? We had friends who adopted 2 girls by 2 different bio moms. Someone had the gall to ask the dad 'don't you wish you had a son'? Infertility problems for him. So it isn't bad enough he wasn't able to get his wife pregnant, now he doesn't even have the 'right kind of child' ?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 14, 2012 8:29:06 GMT -5
It's fun having both but there are ups and downs to each gender. More than once I have wished DD was a boy but then I have a friend who has two boys and both of them are trouble! It's just the luck or curse of the DNA.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Nov 14, 2012 10:42:21 GMT -5
People want what they want. It doesn't have to be rational.
However, at this point, I think the OP's friend and her husband are getting close to ruining their marriage over the issue, so it might be time to step back for a bit and try to make a decision about what is best for the family overall. But it's very possible that having a little boy is more important to her than the money and the money is more important to him than a second (or is it third?) child and unless the marriage is worth more than either of those things to at least one of them, I'm not certain they'll make it.
This is why DH and I have the rule that "whoever says "no" wins". It's not quite like that, but in general, if we both feel really strongly about something, and can't come to an agreement or compromise, we go with the least risky option. I said no to pregnancy. DH said no to adopting straight out of foster care and also no to spending a ton of money. So I found the agency we're working with. It's about compromise and making sure we're both in this together. Because goodness knows, I don't want to raise a child without him.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Nov 14, 2012 11:01:33 GMT -5
My friends just adopted a white (blonde hair, blue eyes) little boy. They were cleared to adopt 6 months ago, and this week is their finalization. They got extremely lucky, but they were not being picky either. If it helps, we are in KS, so the chances are better here. Do they have to adopt from their state?
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