Stay-At-Home-Husband

[sheilaincali]

DH parked next to me while I was waiting for the Boy to get out of school (he was done early so he took DS home) We rolled down our windows and visited for a few minutes before I left to come back here to work. I asked him if he'd want to be a SAHH. He said Now? No way in hell. But when DS was little and if we had more kids than sure.

My kid is very mellow, low key, low maintenance. He has knowledge bowl practice a few times during the week. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I drop him off 15 minutes earlier than normal on my way to work. In the afternoons when he has practice I just pick him up on my way home after he sends me a text saying he is done. School is like 2 miles from my office and I have to drive right by it to get home. Same with set building for the play- he'll text me during the day if he doesn't need me to pick him up after school and then text me when he needs a ride. One night a week he has Youth In Government so DH or I will drop him off after dinner, go to the Gym and pick him up on the way home. That's pretty much it.

The damn kid is way smarter than I am and I haven't been able to help him with his homework for a while now. He hasn't needed my help in the homework department for years.

Keep in mind- I have one kid and he is pretty easy. I'd probably have a different opinion if I had more than one kid.

[raeoflyte]

I never thought I would want to be a sahp until I had ds. So I would have to work through some resentment if dh was staying home full time. However, that is a possibility for our future. DH currently works 30 hours a week, and we'd like him to cut down to 20 hours when baby2 is born. I have better earning potential, so it just makes sense for us.

We already work opposite shifts so dh has more waking kid time than I do, and he is 100% focused on ds. They go to the zoo, museums, park, etc pretty much everyday, do lots of at home activities and everything I LOVE, except that I would really like for dinner to be in the works when I get home too instead of having to start from scratch the minute I walk in the door.

And because dh works graveyards and is frequently staying up 20+ hours at a time, I have been pulling most of the weight as far as house and yard work go. We've discussed at length the revised plan as the baby gets here, and if he actually were to stay home, then we would renegotiate with him taking on 90% of the house, yard, and pet work.

[Deleted]

I wouldn't have DH SAH and he would hate it. DH was home over the summer between contracts and it was great because he played with DS and did a ton of work on the house. OTOH the first day I asked him to do dishes in three months he had a job by the afternoon. DH won't pay bills, clean, schedule appointments, etc.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I never thought I would want to be a sahp until I had ds. So I would have to work through some resentment if dh was staying home full time. However, that is a possibility for our future.":::...

In an ideal set of variables: breadwinner makes enough, SAH completes all agreed upon chores to mutually agreed upon levels, and both value each other's contributions beyond money, I'd say it has the potential to be a VERY happy situation. When we have to figure out who will stay home for a service appointment, or when we get home late and have to decide whether to blow money on another restaurant meal, or an hour cooking and cleaning and catching up on last nights dishes, the appeal of a SAHS is immeasurable.

I'd certainly love to come home from work to a clean house and a cooked meal, and have my night free to spend with DW and both of us do as we please.

Now, would I like to BE the person she comes home to who cleaned and who cooked? Again, in my case I'd want to still be making money via managing investments rentals. My personality is such that I just don't want to not be contributing financially. Being a SAHS does not necessarily mean not doing paid work. I see similar sentiments from others.

[kgb18]

I'd certainly love to come home from work to a clean house and a cooked meal, and have my night free to spend with DW and both of us do as we please.

And if it's a SHAS situation, that's more possible. When it's a SAHP, the whole dynamic changes. That's a 24/7 job. Even when I was on maternity leave, I could see how DH and I could have problems with a SAHP arrangement.

I was at home all day with the kids taking care of them and the house. He got home from work and was tired from work, so he didn't want to do stuff around the house. He wanted to nap, to watch tv, to go fishing ... Of course I guess we have this issue now that we both work. I basically have two jobs with some part-time help.

[Formerly SK]

Oct 12, 2012 16:07:24 GMT -5 kgb18 said:

I was at home all day with the kids taking care of them and the house. He got home from work and was tired from work, so he didn't want to do stuff around the house. He wanted to nap, to watch tv, to go fishing ... Of course I guess we have this issue now that we both work. I basically have two jobs with some part-time help.

This is what I absolutely want to avoid. I really want to go back to work, but I don't want to get a job AND do 95% of child/house work. DH is really used to not doing anything, and doesn't show much interest in taking on more work at home. If push came to shove he'd rather I stay home a few more years.

I have the utmost respect for WOHM in dual career families. I don't know how they do it.

[thyme4change]

I have the utmost respect for WOHM in dual career families. I don't know how they do it.

Outsourcing.

- Cleaning lady
- Yard guy
- Take out food
- etc.

One of the reasons I haven't quit my job is because of the things I know I will have to start doing around the house. We were quick to outsource anything unpleasant to us.

[muttleynfelix]

Are we talking a fully engaged SAHH, the equivalent to SAHM, where he does ALL the things that mothers end up doing

In my case, yes my DH does "everything" that a SAHM (or SAHW before we had DS) does. Now it is a little different everything - he does 100% of the yard work, 100% of vehicle maintenance himself, 100% of the cleaning, 100% of the laundry. We work out dinner so that I never cook during the week. It means that we often scrounge around for dinner during the week since he isn't comfortable making a meal from scratch, we have a lot of leftovers from the weekend or I put something together the night before and he puts it in the oven or puts it in the crockpot. It is a situation that works well for us. Before DS was born, DH painted the house and spent an obsene amount of time fixing our driveway (with an undersized tractor). We have 10 acres, so there is ton of things to do outside. One of our vehicles is older, so it requires a little TLC every now and then and DH can provide it.

I have no desire to stay home. I never have. I can't do it all. I think back to our lives when both of us were working and it was so stressful because we were busy at different times; our amount of leave never lined up. We never took trips or vacations. I loved leaving the house with DH still sleeping. It meant that I could get to the office quicker and come home earlier. The reason I'm late every morning is because DS doesn't let me eat breakfast and DH and I trying to have a serious conversation and next thing I know, I should have been out the door 10 min ago. When DH and I both worked, I never got to work as early as I wanted or left when I wanted.

Basically, we have a system that works very very well FOR US. I personally enjoy not having to worry about a whole lot of crap because DH has the time to take care of it. I don't think I could have married someone who would not have considered being a SAHH/D. I mostly love what I do for a living and I wouldn't want to give that up, but I don't see me handling 2 working adults and having kids on top of that well.

[quince]

DH would be an excellent SAHS or SAHP. I would enjoy not having to worry about anything at home after work- and I know I wouldn't have to. He does all his share now and he's a full time grad student, TA, and works "part time". So long as the money situation was fine, I wouldn't have a problem with it. Especially since I know that if the money situation wasn't fine, he'd jump in to work with me on that as well.

I guess the thing that makes it most palatable is that the arrangement would always be up for discussion- first priority would always be what's best for us as a family.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Men, if you could be a SAHH would you want to?

Hells yeah, for about a month. It sounds glorious. After that I'd probably get bored.

Maybe up to three months, with me spending way too much time playing Xbox the last two. At the end of three months I'm sure I'd be bored though. The kids are in school all day, have homework after that, swim practice for an hour each night, our house doesn't get that messy, and you can only spend so much time cooking dinner.

[Deleted]

I am not against it and peeps can do what they want. And, there are circumstances and instances when it makes sense. In fact, DH did stay home for the first year when our first child was born while i was working. He was finishing his degree and was waiting to get that done to start a new career. But, i didn't really care for it. It worked for that time period. But, for me , I wanted to be the one home for our kids as much as i could be. I just think that i would resent him over time if it went on for years. And, i would wonder why a man doesn't want to go to work. Yeah, a crazy bias!
But, if he had to quit due to illness, retire or got downsized or something, then maybe. But, a young healthy able bodied, i would prefer he work FT.

[Phoenix84]

Oct 12, 2012 13:45:29 GMT -5 @celtophile said:

Swamp's thread about having enough made me wonder.

Men, if you could be a SAHH would you want to? Women, would you want to have a husband at home while you worked? Why, or why not?

I don't think I'd mind being a SAHH, but I'd have a hard time giving up my career and assuming the risk. I mean, I've been working on my career for almost 10 years now, i'd be a huge change to just give it up. And I'm not sure I'd be able to get back in after I left.

So I guess I wouldn't mind doing it for a while if I could get some garantee I could come back to work when I needed/wanted to at the same level.

[justme]

I would like someone to stay home if I ever had kids. Or at least work part time or something so they are there. I was raised that way, and I think it had a lot of advantages. That said, I suck ass at cleaning so there's a chance it wouldn't be me staying home if my husband expected the house to be neat and tidy! Then again, if he married me he'd know the neat and tidiness would be on him not me.

[Deleted]

Cleaning is everyone's job in my house. I am not doing all the cleaning even if i did stay home full time. There are 5 of us. And, i would do more cleaning but i am not going to do it all no way, no how. Everyone has to pitch in on doing these things like vacuuming , dusting, laundry, picking up and so forth. There are always tons of jobs from cleaning out the frig to sweeping the basement and on and on. Seems like it never ends.

[midjd]

I have tossed the idea around (DH as SAHD, not SAHH) and we are both OK with it. When DH was in school, the house was always spotless - and as it is, DH does 90% of cooking and outdoor work and at least half the cleaning. I suspect he would be the more nurturing parent, and I have much greater earning potential.

It would be hard to give the money up. But reading Swamp and Thyme's threads make me wonder if we will be able to manage with a kid and two full-time jobs. We are already pretty busy.

[susanb]

If my DH stayed home, I would have to kill him or hire a cleaning lady to come in once a day. When he is at home for even a few hours the living room and kitchen are trashed.

It is a good thing he is a workaholic.

[Deleted]

My sister and I both have househusbands- greatest thing since sliced bread, as long as they bring the right qualities to the table. (My Ex was unemployed for 5 years but he spent money like we still had it, drank too much and did nothing around the house except yell at us.) It's a joy to have someone around to deal with car repair, house repair, getting the cable system to work, etc. DH can't necessarily do all that himself but he deals with the people who do during the day. He takes a lot off my plate and he's a good sounding board about issues I have at work. It helps that we live in a LCOL area, he has SS and income some from freelance work, and he's very low-maintenance.

[Nazgul Girl]

My husband is retired due to the economy ( laying off of many, many industrial chemists ) and his health. He qualified for S.S. disability on the first try and gets a good benefit check. He's now on Medicare. His eyesight continues to gradually deteriorate and I doubt that he could go back to work full time, if at all. When he was still working, he would be screamed at because he was trying to see things, and he used to get upset and that slowed him down even more. To hell with them, we decided.

At first he felt guilty about being home, but slowly that changed with time. He would still prefer to be working, but he takes care of so many things at home that it's a godsend to me, and I can work to my max because I'm not always worried about him either in pharmacy school or on his last couple of jobs. Those years were a nightmare. I want him to be safe, happy, and productive at home in an environment that he's comfortable being in. He does the cooking, shopping, appointment keeping, our meds, and many other things. He also has good passive income and brings in more dollars than I do, so it's a good arrangement for both of us.

[Deleted]

Oct 13, 2012 10:23:28 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

I want him to be safe, happy, and productive at home in an environment that he's comfortable being in.

DH also has some health problems. Some mornings (not often, thank God) he wakes up at 4:30 AM due to itching or sweating attacks and can't get back to sleep. The meds he takes also seem to have sapped a little of his normal energy. I'm really glad that he can be active on days when he feels like it, and doesn't have to push himself to be productive when he's not at his best.