NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 12, 2012 13:47:36 GMT -5
If I made enough that DH never had to work he'd quit in a New York minute.
I'd love it if he stayed home. When he's home all day he gets bored and when he gets bored, he cleans. The house was never cleaner than when he was unemployed for a year.
Whether or not he'd want to do it long term, I don't know. I think he wouldn't mind doing it till Gwen was in school.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Oct 12, 2012 13:52:17 GMT -5
My DH was a SAHH for a year before he became a Sahd. I loved it. DH is a putzer. So he always has projects and is always working on stuff. I never want him to go back to working full time.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 12, 2012 13:56:05 GMT -5
DH was laid off in 2009. He worked the Census summer 2010, and he is a full time student most of the time (this quarter, none of the classes he needed were being offered, so we're not spending the money). But he really likes being a SAHH, and I like having him there. We don't even have a kid yet, just the dogs. But I like knowing someone is home with them most of the time. I just do. But we've known that our plan was for him to be a SAHD or work only part time from pretty much the time we started discussing those things. We both like day care but don't want to use it 50 hours a week. I have greater earning potential and I would be miserable as a stay at home anything. I need to get out of the house and to the office on a regular basis, even if I crave a weekend here and there where I never get out of my pjs.
So yes, this works for us and we're both happy.
Honestly, the hardest thing about being the one who works is getting up in the mornings and leaving him and the sleeping puppies all cuddled up on the bed. If I could get away with working 6 hour days and stay home in bed 2 hours longer every morning, things would be pretty near perfect.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Oct 12, 2012 14:00:05 GMT -5
I don't mind it when/if DH gets laid off for a few weeks in the winter because he does some projects around the house but he wouldn't last as a SAHH. We only have one kid and he is in high school so I can't imagine what DH would find to fill his time with during the day. I imagine there would be a lot of Judge Judy marathons and midday naps. With just the three of us our house stays pretty clean. We can clean the whole thing from top to bottom in less than 2 hours and it only takes that long if things are unusually messy. Normally it takes us about 45 minutes on the weekends to dust, vacuum, mop, clean bathrooms, etc.
Personally- and this is just me and my opinion - I don't think I'd like DH being a SAHH. I'd start to resent him pretty quickly if I was having to drag my ass in to work at O'Dark Thirty every day while he was sleeping in or having a relaxing cup of coffee while leisurely reading the paper. It just doesn't work for us. I can take about 4 - 6 weeks of him being off for the winter before I start to get bitchy. Again- that's just my opinion. With one 14 year old there isn't enough at our house during the day to keep him busy for longer than maybe an hour or so a day max.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 12, 2012 14:01:45 GMT -5
Oh hell no...there is no way I would go to work while my husband stayed home. My children are in school so we do not need someone to be there during the day. I don't have it in me to support an able-bodied adult. Nor would i expect my husband to support me while I stayed home.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Oct 12, 2012 14:03:52 GMT -5
DF would be the PERFECT stay at home husdband/dad. The only caveat is that we'd have to live closer to either my family or his family. Like, run aross town and spend the afternoon with them close. He cleans, is a decent, albeit not the most healthy/sophisticated cook, is good with laundry and house chores and can do shopping and errands. He gets lonely when I"m not home and he is though. Hence the needing to be close to family. Having kids would solve this issue.
Me on the other hand, I'm not sure I could take the pressure of being the single wage earner and having a family to support. I might be okay, but I might crack. I don't know, and probably wouldn't unless I tried it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 12, 2012 14:06:42 GMT -5
When DH was unemployed he took over all the chores and everything. He actually does a pretty good job of doing most of them now becuase he gets off at 2 pm and I pick up the kid at 4:30 pm from daycare. He gets a lot done when she isn't around.
Then we both do whatever is leftover on the weekends. I do the cooking but that's because I enjoy it.
Biggest saver would be no daycare costs. Then he could do all appointments and stuff. His work frowns on taking time off so unless I want to burn vacation we have a very narrow time frame to cram appointments into. Him being home all day we'd be able to pick whatever we want. It'd make life so much easier.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 12, 2012 14:07:25 GMT -5
"Why not? (Not being snarky; I'm asking in all seriousness.) "
Because I am capable of working. My kids are both in school so waht would be the point of me staying home all day long? I honestly cannot imagine expecting my husband to go to work while I stayed home and did whatever I wanted. It just seems completely unfair to me. We hire out most chores so it isn't like my house is falling apart because I am not home. On the flipside, there is no way in hell I would support anyman would didnt' want to work, either.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Oct 12, 2012 14:08:04 GMT -5
Oh hell no...there is no way I would go to work while my husband stayed home. My children are in school so we do not need someone to be there during the day. I don't have it in me to support an able-bodied adult. Nor would i expect my husband to support me while I stayed home. I get the whole SAH thing when you have small children but once they are in school full time there is no reason for once spouse to struggle while the other sits at home. I know a SAHM, her husband has been begging her for years to get a job. They have 2 kids- one is a freshman and one is a sophomore. She claims the kids "need" her to be at home. Don't know why- she stays up until 2 or 3 am every morning, the kids have to get themselves up and to school. They ride the bus so she doesn't have to pick them up. She doesn't cook or clean. I used to feel so bad for the freshman- he was my son's best friend and there were days he would bring a lunch bag with a mountain dew and a handful of Doritos in it for lunch. I'm sorry- your 3rd or 4th grader shouldn't be packing a lunch full of chips and a soda because your ass decided to sleep in again. Sorry- she really soured me on the whole SAH movement. I realize not all SAH spouses are like that but she colored my opinions. I'll admit it.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 12, 2012 14:11:19 GMT -5
"I get the whole SAH thing when you have small children but once they are in school full time there is no reason for once spouse to struggle while the other sits at home."
Those are exactly my thoughts. When my kids were infants up through school age I did only work part time but I am a CPA so I still made a good salary. we can easily live on one salary but I can't imagine asking him to support me nor would I ever support him...if my ass has to go to work, so does his!lol
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 12, 2012 14:15:00 GMT -5
I don't think anyone can be wrong about this. SAHSs- having one or being one- is very much a matter of personal preference. And because of that, we define things differently. In Miss T's world, earning the money is supporting. And there are a lot of people who feel that way. In my world, cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom, being home with the dogs when one of them is sick, is also supporting. Being available for me to call him when I'm having a frustrating day at work, etc is important to me. A lot of men with high pressure/profile jobs do not have wives with equally high pressure/profile jobs. Most of them have stay at home wives who handle the scheduling and the dry cleaning and the doctors' appts, etc. In my mind, you can fully support your marriage and your family without ever earning a penny.
DH and I do split chores still. He does a little more than me around the house, but not a lot. But that's okay, because he does the chores I hate the most. And once we have a kid, most of his time will be spent taking care of our child, so it's not like I can just pretend chores don't exist for the rest of my life.
But everyone is different. Just because something works for us does not mean it will work for anyone else, nor should we want it to work for everyone else.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Oct 12, 2012 14:16:29 GMT -5
A very interesting question...
The first variable is, how much money would we want coming in? I don't think just replacing my income is enough for me to quit that same day. Which means DW would have to increase her current salary by well over $100k/year, and keep that for several years before I'd turn in my notice.
If that was the direction we saw ourselves heading in, I'd also be saving a good chunk for "seed money" because I would want to go full time into buying and managing rentals and investments. Then I could never be accused of "mooching", and/or not providing financial value to the household.
If I were staying home and doing my own work (so, not having a job, but far from idle) I'd certainly do cooking and cleaning. Depending on the demands of the day though, I don't see myself becoming the maid/cook/gigolo . . . OK yes, I'd totally be the gigolo, since I'd have time to hit the gym and get in gigolo shape.
Is it realistic for DW to hit a $150k/year+ income on her own? Its certainly possible, but would take at least a decade from her current spot. Those in between years would certainly allow us to build up a good financial base though.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 12, 2012 14:17:10 GMT -5
I don't think I could deal with being a SAHW. I'd feel like Im not pulling my share of work. I don't have anything against SAHS's, to each his own, it's just not for me.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 12, 2012 14:21:06 GMT -5
I'm not categorically against SAHHs. However, I don't think my husband and I would be able to work it out. He and I have just enough differeing opinions on how chores should be done, etc, that we don't have problems being dual-income, but I may be disappointed if his "contribution" to the family was not what I expect. I mean - if he stayed home all day and then I had to come home and cook and clean and do laundry and help the kids with homework - I'd be seriously pissed off, and I just don't think our marriage would weather it. My husband and I talked about it once, and he said he couldn't stand the pressure - so he would rather just work, and pay a third party to clean our house.
I sided with Sally Fields in Mrs. Doubtfire.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Oct 12, 2012 14:23:28 GMT -5
My DH would hate being a SAHH. I wouldn't want him to do it only because I know it would make him miserable - - and I like having a happy hubby.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Oct 12, 2012 14:25:52 GMT -5
CelticCougar- I don't think we are quite in "war" territory FWIW- DH and I divide things are evenly as possible. Because my job is much more flexible and in town I do any day time errands that need to be done (picking up license tabs, running the boy to the orthodontist). DH's job has him on the road during the day and it's impossible for him to know on Tuesday what he will be doing on Friday, hell it's not even possible to know on Tuesday morning what Tuesday afternoon will bring. But I have a flexible 8 to 5 job that allows me to pick the kid up after school (and run him back to work) When DH gets off early he'll text me and swing by and get the kid. If I'm waiting for him at a dentist appointment and DH's schedule frees up he'll come and relieve me so I can go back to the office. We take turns making dinner/cleaning the kitchen every night. We usually end up doing the grocery shopping and all that together because we can and we enjoy it. When it's time to clean the house we divide and conquer. He always does the bathrooms while I do the vacuuming and dusting. I do the laundry and he does the lawn mowing. I respect Shanen and her DH. Their lifestyle works for them and I think that's great. Right now we need both of our incomes and we have one teenager and one dog that is very low maintenance. I'm at in completely different situation and point in my life than Shanen is. She is looking at adopting and I'm looking forward to the Boy going off to college in 4 years.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Oct 12, 2012 14:29:32 GMT -5
I worked when the kids were babies - that was easy. Now that my kids are in school and activities, and have homework, and friends, and blah, blah, blah - I can't figure out how to do both. My world is crazy right now. And, if my kids are half as crafty as I was as a teenager - I hope to be home a lot. I think them having 3 or 4 hours every day with the house to themselves might enable some bad behaviors. I'm hoping to be working from home - so, they can have their free time, but they have to keep in mind that I'm in the house.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Oct 12, 2012 14:29:35 GMT -5
I've asked my DH numerous times if he resents me for not currently working outside the home. (My last real job with a steady paycheck was in 2006.) He says he doesn't resent me and is in fact proud that he makes enough so that I can choose to work or not as I desire. Now, I don't know if it's really that, or if it's because I keep his balls in my pocket. . . LMAO!! Both? ;D DH is not a self motivated person so it just would not work. I've been the bread winner and he's been the bread winner but he loves that I no longer work and he preferred being the bread winner. I take tons of stress off him and he hates cleaning and is horrible at financial things and is a procrastinator and nothing would ever get done. If nothing ever got done I'd then have to hurt him. I pull my own weight financially and just didn't want to deal with work and the b.s. and always answering to a clock and don't need to. And I don't need to have kids to justify my lifestyle as it's mine and nobody elses business. They can think whatever they want. I did work for 24 years though so I know enough about it to not ever want to have to do it again if I don't want to. Plus many people are nuts today and the idea of being stuck in an office with even one makes me shudder!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 12, 2012 14:30:16 GMT -5
Celtic, you do what works for you and your family. I don't know how my husband would feel since our children are older. When my children were born he was hell bent on me being a SAHM. I was 100% quitting entirely because I didn't want to lose the ability to support myself if he died or if he got divorced. I was lucky that I was able to drop to 20 hours a week...it kept us both happy.
But now my children are in school and there is no reason for me to be home with them. Other than cooking dinner and doing laundry, we pretty much pay outside workers to do everything else for us. There is no need for me to be home.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 12, 2012 14:30:51 GMT -5
My husband retired early due to illness. It never bothered me that he was home and I was working. The situation had been reversed at some times during our marriage. He did what chores he could at home. He loved to cook so he did the grocery shopping and all the cooking. He did the dusting, cat care, and kept things picked up. Heavier work, like vacuuming and floors, I did. The yard work we had done (I still do). It worked for us and there was no resentment. I think, looking back on it, he'd have chosen to be a SAHP if the choice had ever been offered. It wasn't as common when we were raising kids as it is now.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 12, 2012 14:32:00 GMT -5
CelticCougar: While I am proud of my work accomplishments (and my work identity is probably a little too important to me some days), I dont' think of myself as "proud" I can support DH being at home- but that may honestly be a gender thing. At the same time, I am very happy that we don't have to worry about money with him not working. I'm thrilled that we can cash flow his education. I don't make 100k (yet), but since we got all of our consumer debt paid off (my student loans and the mortgage are all that's left), we have more than enough.
But the important part to me is actually what kittensaver referenced- we are both happy. That's not to say I don't have my days and he doesn't have his days, but for the most part, we can work through it, and we are happy with where we are.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Oct 12, 2012 14:35:48 GMT -5
"I pull my own weight financially and just didn't want to deal with work "
Once I reach a point where I can pull my own weight financially, I will be quitting/retiring. I hope to do that with rentals in teh next few years. I don't consider that being a SAHS since I will be brining in the same amount of money to the marriage. If my husband replaced his work income with passive income and quit I wouldn't care because he was pulling his own weight and I would not be supporting him financially.
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jeffreymo
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Post by jeffreymo on Oct 12, 2012 14:37:17 GMT -5
I wouldn't really want to be the SAHH that cooks, cleans, babysits. I'll add that I already do most of the cooking, grocery shopping, handle all of the finances, do 90% of the yard work, and most of the errand running. Our son isn't yet involved in any activities.
I could see there coming a point in time where I'm not working and I'm going to school while our kids our at school. This is probably 4-5 years down the road. I'm just hanging on at my current job for the paycheck and benefits.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 12, 2012 14:44:35 GMT -5
jeffrey: Actually, the real reason you wouldn't make a good SAHH is that you think of spending that time with your kids as babysitting. It's not. Babysitting is something you do for someone else's kids, or when someone else is responsible for the kids. When they are your kids, it's not babysitting, it's called being a parent
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Oct 12, 2012 14:46:03 GMT -5
"I pull my own weight financially and just didn't want to deal with work " Once I reach a point where I can pull my own weight financially, I will be quitting/retiring. I hope to do that with rentals in teh next few years. I don't consider that being a SAHS since I will be brining in the same amount of money to the marriage. If my husband replaced his work income with passive income and quit I wouldn't care because he was pulling his own weight and I would not be supporting him financially. DH doesn't care if I do or not - but it just worked out that way. It does make me feel better that I do - but it's not important enough for me to go to work again if I don't pull in enough and he does not care either. But this is YM and I felt it should be mentioned. DH makes enough that it's not an issue. Obviously if he didn't I'd go back to work. I'm not THAT lazy. But I would cry if that ever happened.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 12, 2012 14:50:44 GMT -5
to go along with what POM is saying- if we weren't financially comfortable with DH not working, he'd be back working the counter at the bowling alley or signed up with every temp agency in town.
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jeffreymo
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Post by jeffreymo on Oct 12, 2012 14:59:56 GMT -5
jeffrey: Actually, the real reason you wouldn't make a good SAHH is that you think of spending that time with your kids as babysitting. It's not. Babysitting is something you do for someone else's kids, or when someone else is responsible for the kids. When they are your kids, it's not babysitting, it's called being a parent Good point. Because of recent life events I envisioned myself being home with an infant, and I don't remember being really helpful with that age.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Oct 12, 2012 15:05:35 GMT -5
jeffrey: I agree that with infants, there's a baby, and there's lots of sitting involved (since infants don't tend to need you to run around after them). ;D But the compound word babysitting implies that something is a short term temporary situation, that within a few hours, someone else will come home and take all the responsibility from you. When you're a parent, it's a rather permanent situation. But trust me, I also don't imagine that I would like being home with an infant. And this is why DH is going to be the primary caregiver and I will be the primary earner.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Oct 12, 2012 15:07:05 GMT -5
DH could never be a SAHD. He just isn't wired that way. I've been doing it for almost 8 years. It was a no-brainer when the kids were younger, but now that they are in school I have gaps of free time I'm not sure how to fill. OTOH, the gaps are not regular and when I think about returning to work PT it seems like it would cause more grief than reward. I do EVERYTHING here - we don't pay anyone to do anything. DH does about 5% of the house/kids work. From 4pm-8pm I have to be completely focused on the kids, which means dinner/cleaning is done before they get home. And don't even get me started on school holidays/half days. In Oct alone there are SEVEN half days and TWO full days off. I could return to work and pay someone to do all the stuff I do, and put the kids in before/after care, and probably pay a tutor to help DS with his homework. But after being out of the workforce for 8 years my income would suck. Not to mention I'd lose 1/3 to taxes right off the bat. Given entry-level accounting jobs pay ten freaking dollars an hour nowadays (WTF? ?) it is hard for us to justify me working at the moment. I really WANT to return to work - I've hated being a SAHM for a couple years now - but we don't know how to go about it logistically. I don't think it is a black/white issue.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Oct 12, 2012 15:22:54 GMT -5
Probably not, for two reasons. 1) I would be resentful that he was home with the kids while I was at work. I want to be home with my children more. 2) If my DH was home all the time, he wouldn't take care of the house the way a SAH parent should. When he's home with the kids now he does nothing but take care of the kids. He doesn't do laundry. He doesn't clean or cook. He doesn't run errands. He feeds and changes them and plays PlayStation.
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