I'M ON STRIKE

[Ombud]

GS1 is normally very mellow. Don't know exactly what happened but ~~

He was playing a video game when I asked him to do his vacuuming. His only chore is vacuuming the house once a week for $10 a week. Figure DD is responsible for the rest of his weekly needs but somehow I pay them as well. [she's in college] He finally vacuumed the hall & 2 of the 4 bedrooms. A little coaching and he did my room. Never did the living room or dining room, but I was okay with that. Not okay with the family room not being done. Short disagreement with me starting to do that room and he begrudely did it. The stated he did not want me involved with anything to do with him again. No marching band or cross country or school. FINE.

So today he is hungry. Not for the wonder bread and baloney ta ht his mom bought but my french bread and turkey. Ooops. No way. I've been doing the laundry & picking up around here. Not now! Let-em see what it would have been like w/o me.

Do I sound just as childish? Have you ever gone on strike at home?

[Green Eyed Lady]

I'd be too busy picking up my teeth to worry about wanting a sandwich. I don't think you sound childish at all. You sound like you are sick and freaking tired of being taken advantage of and then being disrespected on top of it. Maybe your GS will, because of you putting your foot down, not grow up into one of the entitled, selfish brats I see around every day. Good for you.

[Deleted]

Good for you! I hope your DD gives him a VERY STERN talking to as well!

It's certainly his age, but if you accept that behavior now, you'll surely be dealing with it a lot in the future. Good for you for putting your foot down!

STAND FIRM!

[Green Eyed Lady]

Also, maybe something else is going on with him, Ombud. You did mention this isn't normal behavior for him. Perhaps his mom, dad or you can have a sit-down and see if something is going on with him you should know about.

[Deleted]

Good point, GEL.

[Green Eyed Lady]

It's too much, tv, debt! I just saw a program the other night where a child's behavior at home changed dramatically. After some investigation, the parents found the child was being seriously bullied at school.

[Deleted]

GEL, it could be that, for sure! Or, it could be "normal" teen attitude / rebellion, which the parents generally have to deal with rather than the grandparents.

But you are right, it is important to find out if anything is wrong.

[Deleted]

The stated he did not want me involved with anything to do with him again. No marching band or cross country or school. FINE.

OMG this makes me SO angry!!! You are the one providing those things for him, not his mom or his dad!

You really need to let him stew in his own juices for a few days. I'm sure he's a good kid who had a bad day, or whatever, but you just cannot accept that sort of behavior.

I'm also guessing it's easier to be stricter with one's kids rather than one's grandkids. Still, you need to stick to it.

If it happens again, another idea might be to actually give him what he asks for, ask him to help you prepare it. Use that time to talk to him, tell him how you feel, how HE made you feel, and ask him for his thoughts on a solution. Personally I'd tell him I can understand that he's frustrated because he'd rather play video games than vacuum.

I'd also point out that there is a VERY easy solution to that problem. He stops vacuuming, and you stop paying him that $10 per week.

I have had this issue with my kids before. Now my three older kids are adults and DS3 is 14. I ask him, would you vacuum for 10e? (True confession, when the cleaner is off.) He says yes. If he agrees, I have certain standards. Or, would you mow the lawn for 10e? (He does this regularly during spring and summer.) Again, if he agrees, that means the WHOLE lawn, not just the front lawn. It also means putting the lawnmower away in the shed, and putting the cuttings out.

He got pissy about it once or twice. When I told him no problem, I'll get somebody else to do it the way I want it done, he said, no, I want to do it. I'm sorry, from now on, I'll do it right.

This happened exactly ONCE for vacuuming inside the house, and ONCE for mowing the lawn.

[Ombud]

Well Im driving cross country carpool Tuesday. .. We'll see if he gets in the car with the rest of them. Or maybe I'll just be busy and dd can do it. I'll see what happens when she gets home. Tuesday is her long school day

[Sam_2.0]

Good for you!

(I cringe to think of what would happen if I had dared talk to my parents like that, let alone my grandparents!!)

[Loopdilou]

I go on strike every evening when I'm supposed to make dinner

[Deleted]

How old is GS1. And, what is GS1 anyway?

[mizbear]

shooby- Grandson 1.

I would go on strike too- works wonders with my DM.

[Ombud]

He's 15 and tiptoeing around. I had gotten a bakers.dozen donuts for$1.99 @ Safeway @ 5:00 & he wants one. Holding out for an apology. GS2 & GD1 enjoying theirs. But really speaking, he's not getting any. And next time I'm doing all the chores. If he wants $$ he needs to do his chores. Never hurt a kid. Debthaven, love your post

[Deleted]

Hi ombud! I guess i really don't know the back story? Are they living with you or staying with you or i am not sure of the situation. As for chores, i have found that paying for chores was working to my disadvantage. Because kids have so much stuff, they are really not all that motivated by money. Or, they think they should get $20 just to empty the dishwasher. For me and my brood, we put the hammer down that doing chores and helping take care of the home and our things was simply part of their duty and responsibility and that you do not get paid for that. It is just simply part of being in a family and helping the family and each other. Now, i will pay for some things that are above ordinary like painting or something like that. But, general duty stuff, i don't. It seems less of a hassle now that we have approached it that way.
As for a 15 yr old, they are simply going to be stubborn. I have a 14 and 16 teen boys. And, i found there are some battles that i will fight and some that simply are not worth it because i don't want to spend their teen years being mad at them or screaming at them either. So, there may be room for slack. Because in the long run, you really just want to have them have warm memories of family as well as teaching responsibility. I am not saying to abandon one for the other but you know what i mean about just trying to find that balance.
Also, i find that simply letting them suffer the consequences of their actions is helpful but you have to be willing to let them fail and not step in. If that means failing a class, getting detention hall or whatever, so be it.

[Ombud]

Shooby, they live with me. Have since 2008. Yipes, has it really been that long?? DD was in Stockton, her DH had a medical problem, extreme hoarder, she moved in with me and he moved in with his girlfriend [shocker]. She's marginally employed but that covers her car / auto ins / college / $150 to me every 2 weeks. I cover the rest for kids, had handled all weekend stuff their entire lives up to last week and set those rules. Could that be it? The kids are always around me but I'm not mom

GS1 is calmed down and apologetic. But it still happened. Never had an outburst like this before. I think I'll take the week off at least. Services Monday, Tuesday, dinner out Friday [I'm being treated]. So chores or check-writing for the week. I'm off

[Deleted]

Part of being 15. Not that it excuses. Also agree with those that suggested to make sure he isn't 'going thru something'...

[Peace77]

Perhaps it's time for a family meeting. Be clear about your expectations and deadlines.
For example: vacuuming must be done on Monday by 6 pm. If not completed to your satisfaction-No Pay.
Don't continue to punish him for the same wrong. The punishment should be clear and understood not a week of diappointing surprises. Ar least tell him tat you've gone on strike.

[Deleted]

My point is that a lot of kids simply don't care if they really get paid or not and in the moment, will neglect doing chores and skip the pay. So, that really isn't going to get her very far in my opinion. And, i think kids have to learn that being part of the family means doing things for others and the good of everyone and not just your own self. My kids grouse and whine but since i have really been on this issue, they are starting to get much better at just getting the chores done and over with so they can then move on and do their thing.

[misplacedbrit]

15 is a horrible age for boys, whatever is going on, they have no one to talk to, unlike girls, who talk to each other.
Its a rough time - my son tried to hurt himself because of a girl, when he was 15.

A lot is going on in their heads, they don't share.

Sounds like you might be the non parent person, who could talk to him.

[Deleted]

GW is 15 and pulling the same kind of stuff. For us her chores and her allowance are not connected. But her priviledges and being respectful to me sure are. Anyway, I think you are doing the right thing. Sometimes you have to meet them at their level for them to get it.

[Deleted]

It is a tough line to walk. You want to teach teens respect and discipline. But, on the other hand, making mountains out of molehills and stuff that really doesn't matter in the long run and potentially damaging a close relationship has to weighed. My older son simply is more challenging and has always been so since he was little. I have really had to learn to take more things in stride, accept him for who he is, and let some things go and yeah, the house is more messy. Oh well. But, the only other route seemed to be to constantly nag, push, cajole, yell and i simply did not want to be constantly doing battle.

[Deleted]

"Do I sound just as childish? Have you ever gone on strike at home? "

I was going to say you are being childish.... until I saw he is 15! I was picturing him being 6-7 since you said his mom is in college.

[Ombud]

Nope, 6 yr old & 11 yr old never question when I tell them it's chore time. Guess I'll relent today but I'll do his vacuuming this week. See if that approach solves it

[alabamagal]

Yes you are being childish - and I don't mean how you think. If you want a teenage to do something, you are the authority figure (grandparent or parent, it doesn't matter). Act like an adult, not a child. Don't make excuses for him (having a bad day, bullied at school, etc.).

Maybe I am a hardaxx, but I have recently been through 3 teenagers (now 18, 20,21), successfully for the most part. If I ask them to do it, they better do it. Have had all the rolling eyes and sighs that I care to, but in the end, it is my house and if you live in it, you have to abide by my rules.

[sheilaincali]

Ombud- Part of it is his age. I have a 14 year old and although he is generally really good and calm there are some days that he is just not his normal helpful self. I had to get on him the other day because I said "hey bud, when you get a chance will you unload the dishwasher please" and he tried to pull attitude. I stopped him and asked him exactly what part of my polite request did he have a problem with? Was it my use of the word "please" or telling him it could wait until he "had a chance"? He relented and apologized and unloaded the dishwasher without further complaint but it still irked me.

I have to remind myself that there is a lot going on in his world. New school (high school), new peers, new friends, new teachers, harder classes, girls etc. Try to take some time to sit and talk with him about life. He may be masking his stress and taking it out on you.

Don't do his vacuuming this week! That just shows him that if he throws a fit you'll lower your expectations for him. I'd still have him do his regular chore and add dusting to make up for his attitude problem and half ass job of vacuuming last week (skipping rooms). Remind him that allowance is a privilege not a right.

Good luck

[murphath]

Most of the time, a grandparent is the person a grandchild can go to "escape" his parents. They are usually good listeners, etc.. A safe haven, if you will. However, in this case, you are really in a parental role and I would hazard to say, the primary care giver. I remember a conversation I had with DD1's pediatrician a long time ago (she's 30 now). When I took her to the doctor for her shots, she would pitch a fit. When DH took her, she was a little angel. I told the doc I was going to let him take her from now on. He just laughed and said the roles would switch soon enough if he became the primary caretaker--she would then just pitch the fits with him.
These grandkids are dependent on you, physically, monetarily, emotionally, etc.. And I would have to agree with Georgiagal that you are now acting a bit childish. Some time has passed so you need to sit down with him (and no one else around) and tell him exactly how hurt and disappointed you were in his behavior. And that you love him, no matter what, but you do want him to fulfill his family responsibilities. If he truly wants you to step back from participating in his activities, tell him you will do so but that you need to finish out whatever commitments you have already made (the cross country chauffeuring). Ask him how things are going at school. Did he just have a bad day? Was he is a bad mood? You'll never know unless you ask. I know teen boys don't like to talk (DS is now 22) but I made it a point to take him out for a treat once a week (slurpee, ice cream cone, Jones soda drink he loved) so we could just talk about whatever.

As for an allowance, our kids never got one. They also did not leave the house on Saturday without having done their chores. If they had to be up early on Saturday for a game or something, then they did them Friday night. That rule was steadfast--not that they didn't test it out. DD1 only had to miss one event and that ended that rebellion. The other two saw that and never even tried. Sometimes you do have to be the hardaxxx. But the point is, they knew the rule ahead of time and what the consequence would be if they broke the rule.

[Clever Username]

Quit the tiptoeing around. You want this point to be MADE, so the issue can be DONE.
I'd hold up the invisible voice recorder that you have (a great blunt and humerous device I might add).
Play back his recording of how he wants nothing to do with nothing of yours.

Then make and eat a turkey sandwich AT HIM. Yumming and lip smaking all the way through.