The J
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Post by The J on Feb 1, 2011 10:55:03 GMT -5
I don't get the whole "you're not committed if you don't comingle" bs. The ex and I were going to comingle, mainly for convenience since I managed all the money. But even when we were just living together it wasn't a problem having seperate finances. It just was what it was. I didn't feel any less connected because she was at one bank and I was at another.
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Post by jennml on Feb 1, 2011 11:48:47 GMT -5
I don't either. Like I said on EE, I can't let anyone have so much power over me. That goes both ways...I really don't need to know what my partner does with every dime. I trust him not to ruin us. I think I'd be a Sometimes Sharer. My money is part of my identity and it is all mine. That might also be why I refuse to take my husband's last name....darn it, I worked hard to develop my cool signature and I like the way my name flows
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Feb 1, 2011 12:39:51 GMT -5
What has worked for DH and I is that we each have an "allowance" each week. That's your money to spend however you want--he might golf with his, and maybe I'll do lunch with the girls, or whatever. We comingle most everything else because I'm responsible for paying the bills. At least I'm using that darn business degree for something!
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Feb 1, 2011 20:40:49 GMT -5
DH and I are Sometimes Sharers, I guess (no kids)... right now he's in school, I'm the sole wage-earner, and we each get the same amount of allowance. He spends his on his Jeep, I usually spend mine on lunches out or clothes.
We've discussed what will happen after he graduates and (hopefully!) gets a job, and I think we're going to pay the bills/savings in proportional shares to our income (probably 60-40 me to him) and then the rest is fun money.
We have had completely commingled accounts in the past but I prefer the allowance method. It works for us, at least.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Feb 1, 2011 22:29:48 GMT -5
I thought it was to have someone take out the trash.
THIS!!!
We are cominglers at Dh's request. He doesn't like to manage personal finances.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Feb 3, 2011 12:40:28 GMT -5
Today's installment is on the idependent operators. I found the responses she got interesting, but had to remind myself that people who answer surveys self select, because the people I knew who were independent operators were very different. One of my good friend's parents kept their money completely separate. I don't know how they handled kid expenses (they had 2 boys of their own, plus raised the wife's youngest brother), partly because by the time I knew them, my friend (the youngest) was in college. However, they kept their money completely separate, one paid the mortgage, the other paid the utilities, etc. They were both highly successful, at least partly self-employed, professionals (she was a lawyer with her own firm, he was a local media personality), and as long as the bills were paid, neither ever questioned what the other did with their money. Now, they were also on their second marriage to each other, so that might have been a major factor in the relationship. Or, it might also have evolved over the years as each became more able to support themselves. (I know she didn't go to law school until after their second wedding.) And I think that's the kind of couple I would have been more interested in hearing about, not people who expect things to change when they get married/have kids or have no intention of ever getting married. I mean really, what about people who change in the opposite direction of what you would expect? But then, that couple would never self select to answer a survey about their finances.
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Post by ca on Feb 3, 2011 13:51:07 GMT -5
Even if I get married, I don't ever plan to have only joint accounts. At 34 now, as a Chartered Accountant with significant savings and income, I don't see any benefits to giving over control to another person to my assets and income even if they are THE ONE and my SOLE SOUL MATE FOR LIFE. How many people have said that and been burned/cheated on/etc? Millions? Tens of millions? Likely. I'm sure my marriage will be one of the 50+% that makes it, but in the event it doesn't, I'll just do the "shared" thing.
For that I mean we will each put a percentage of our income into a common account that will be used to pay the common bills, and the rest is our to spend as we see fit. No joint credit cards, nothing credit common except the mortgage which would be dealt with when we sold the house if we were ever to divorce. And yes, I want a pre-nup that says we split our assets that we acquired after marriage 50/50 and that is the end of it. There will be no alimony on either side, because I think it is stupid and archaic outdated concept from when women didn't work and needed support after a marriage. Just split the assets in half that were acquired together and get on with your life (assuming no kids in this scenario, hey I'm gay I can assume that).
And from what I've read, there is no right answer here, just whatever works for the couples.
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Feb 3, 2011 14:50:21 GMT -5
We're in the sometime sharer category, but I also hate the "you're not REALLY married" if you don't co-mingled finances. I think it is a holdover from the "man goes out and earns the paycheck, wife manages the money" lifestyle. I like to think that as we've advanced as a society, we don't need to hold onto outdated moded of thinking like joint account just because "that's what married couples DO." If this fits with your lifestyle and it works for you, great - but it shouldn't be held as the gold standard with all other money arrangements somehow falling short.
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wodehouse
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Post by wodehouse on Feb 3, 2011 15:45:08 GMT -5
I'm not certain what scheme spouse and I fall under but I put it as common potters.
My first (and only) marriage. I married at a late age...48. So I already had a lifetime of savings and investing, etc. Spouse was 10 years younger than me, had just gotten divorced, no kids (we have none now either). She and her ex really had nothing substantial, so she brought nothing substantial to our marriage...other than love and affection. She hadn't worked for some years due to some health issues.
She actually had to leave her home and emigrate to be with me. She came down from Canada to the US. Visas and trips to the consulate and INS and everything.
I had thought that she would work here. She had just gone through some vocational training (that I ended up paying for), so this was my assumption. But that's never come about. So I am the breadwinner and she stays at home. I guess we've worked out an arrangement.
I actually make pretty good money. The past ten years especially have been very good for me. Last year with a generous bonus my income was just under $200K, and this was consistent in growth from the previous few years and now.
So here's a case of one works outside the home, the other doesn't; one brought significant financial assets to the table, the other didn't. From the beginning I made certain that she had a personal stipend, allowance, what have you. This is money that she is free to spend as she likes, on herself, her family, etc, without answering to me. I don't keep track of this at all. It is in joint checking and savings accounts with both our names but these are separate from what I use for the household and I don't keep track of these. I'd like to believe that I'm pretty generous with the dollar amount. To have that much discretionary income on her own she would have to be making pretty good dough herself. I take care of all the household bills, savings, etc.
I believe this is fair to her. But sometimes (only sometimes) I feel it unfair to me in that she has much more time to be planning how to spend the common pot than I do. Thus my tastes and interests may not be fully represented in household purchases, vacations, etc. But overall I suppose it works well.
And yes I did this without a prenup, etc. All assets are commingled.
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lurkyloo
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Post by lurkyloo on Feb 4, 2011 1:20:51 GMT -5
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hcj
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Post by hcj on Feb 4, 2011 3:23:24 GMT -5
DH and I don't have to discuss hair cuts. I pay all the bills and he gives me x dollars per month of his pay. I don't care what he spends his money on and he doesn't care what I spend mine on. He's happy when I spend money on clothes because I hardly ever do and I'm happy when he takes a surf trip because I know it makes him happy. I was 35 and he was 41 when we got married, so we were both pretty settled into living our lives when we got married. I'm far from frivolous, but still I couldn't imagine if I had to explain every dollar I spend. We don't go out to eat very often, but when we do one of us picks up the bill without a discussion because we already know the one with more disposable that month pays. Such as I had to do something with the house or the dog, so I'm tight or he had to do something with his car, so he's tight. We just share as we can.
We have spent over $10K on the dog in the 2 1/2 yrs we've had her. Don't anyone give me crap over this and I mean it! I thought hubby was going to freak on the first $1K or on the cost of the prescritption dog food. Because of the way we have money set up, it didn't affect him other than we have to defer other wants like remodeling the kitchen and he loves the dog almost as much as I do. Our system works really well for us and there are never any fights over money.
I'm sure if we budgeted more to the penny and merged things more, we could have more in savings, but frankly that peace of mind that comes from not fighting over money like many couples is worth letting each of us have our leakages and squanders going without question.
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Post by ca on Feb 4, 2011 9:15:46 GMT -5
That works for you. For some it doesn't work. There is no right answer here that works for everyone.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Feb 4, 2011 9:57:38 GMT -5
Is anyone else not seeing part 5? It's still greyed out for me.
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Feb 4, 2011 12:03:38 GMT -5
I didn't say anyone "wasn't really married". But, it is my opinion that when you get married you go "all in". Part of joining your life is the trust and belief that you will operate for each other's good. Does that always happen? No. But, if you love with abandon and are burned, so be it. Not to get all philosophical, but this is part of the reason I wanted a unity candle at our wedding - because it shows both the union AND that you still remain your own person. (We did a design your own ceremony in the backyard, so we didn't have to have anything in there that we didn't want). Do I believe and trust that my husband will operate for my good? Yes. Do I need to mix all of our money together to "prove" it? No. Our marraige - works for us.
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ugga81
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Post by ugga81 on Feb 4, 2011 13:51:14 GMT -5
I guess we're somewhere between Independent Operators and Sometimes Sharers (although I put IO in the survey). We've been married 6 1/2 years, I'm 29 and he's 35. We make a good income together although he makes $50K more than I do. We keep separate checking accounts and a joint savings account. We have separate credit cards but we're joint on the mortgage and 1 of the 2 vehicles. We use the same bank so we can both see each other's checking accounts, the savings, and the joint vehicle loan.
We split bills, so he pays the mortgage and the larger vehicle payment. I pay all the utilities, the smaller vehicle payment, vehicle insurance, groceries, and many of the incidentals. We keep separate health insurance (it's cheaper for 2 individual policies than a family policy). When we go out to eat or both stop into a department store we just decide who's going to cover it. If one of us sees the other is low in the checking account we'll just transfer money in for the other.
We both have our own vices. I tend to spend on many small things while he tends to make a few large purchases. I'm a lot more likely to research something to death before I buy it though. It's an odd system and our friends think we're weird. But we've never had too little money to cover our expenses, haven't overdrawn an account since we've been married, and all of our bills are paid on time. We discuss large expenses and we always communicate about things. The best thing: we've NEVER FOUGHT over money.
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