Enabling grown child

[april47]

I've hesitated asking this but the time is right. I have a grown daughter who is an older mom of a small child and has financial problems. I am a retired widow living on SS just fine and have a small savings account for emergencies. I wouldn't have a problem stopping helping her if it wasn't for my grandchild. My daughter has a respected but not high paying job but has student loans, car payments, etc and never seems to have enough. I babysat for a long time but just can't anymore and daycare is over the top for her so I have been paying it but it is really eating into my savings. How do I stop this before I have no money?

[Gardening Grandma]

April,
How old is the grandchild? (How much longer before she will start school?). Is it possible to babysit part of the time and send her to day care part of the time?

"How do I stop this before I have no money?"

The short answer is that you need to have a frank (if painful) talk with your daughter.

[april47]

She did live with me for about 3 years and things got much worse. I ended up selling my home and moving into a senior apartment so moving back with me is not an option. She's only 2 1/2 and has some health issues so I babysit when she is sick so mom won't miss work. I have tried to talk to her but she turns me off.

[The J]

You need to create a situation where your daughter won't turn you off. The way you do that is by turning the money off. Tell her that, unless she sits down with to discuss her finances, you won't be helping out with money. She'll probably say some mean things, but you have to hold firm.

[sesfw]

Can you go to the county and see what is available for your daughter and g-dtr?

You do need to care for YOU first. Your daughter can sell her car and pay cash for a car that is better for her cash flow. A paid-for car will lower her insurance bill so she can put more funds into caring for HER child.

It's going to be tough and your daughter will get angry, but cut off the funding. If she is totally desperate, give her a gift card to a grocery so the baby will have meals.

[gs11rmb]

What is the child's father doing to help?

[Urban Chicago]

Another thing to keep in mind...
She needs your help watching the child when daycare won't work. Therefore, if she threatens to keep the kid away from you, she's lying.

I agree that you can help by researching programs your daughter may be eligible for. You mention that the child has "issues" do they belong to a support group with other families in the same situation? Those can be invaluable sources of info.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

I agree that you can help by researching programs your daughter may be eligible for.
I am curious that the poster indicates the daughter is college educated(ie: she has student loans). Is the daughter so inept that she cannot do this herself?
A college educated, grown adult working in a respectable occupation should have the common sense to be able to perform basic life responsibilities.

[Urban Chicago]

Yes, SF, she should but this is a way for the OP to feel better without dipping into her savings. She can see for herself the help that is out there and use that info to determine what her daughter actually needs and if she is being honest.

[thyme4change]

Can and Will are totally different things.

I think researching it and offering her suggestions on where to find help is a way to assuage the OP's guilt and her daughter's anger when the OP says "I'm cutting you off." If the OP says "I can't give you any more money, but I found you are eligible for this program that will give you the same amount of money" then the OP won't feel she is throwing her daughter to the wolves.

I agree with you SF - the daughter should be standing on her own feet, and she should be able to search out assistance. Right now she has no need to because the OP is bridging the gap.

[Frappuccino]

Hello April - this is her debt and her child and her responsibility. You raised your kid already. You should declare to her today that you can not afford to pay for child care anymore. You should tell her today that the savings is already gone.

She knows that you don't want her to be mad at you which is why she avoids the discussion with you. She knows that she is taking advantage of you which is why she avoids the discussion with you.

All of the research that others have recommended needs to be done by her. She is a grown woman, a mother. She can handle this.

She is not alone. Several single working mothers out there go through these struggles and survive. She will too.

You need to keep your savings because who knows what will happen to social security in the near future!!

She may be mad at you for awhile, but she will get a plan together, and will get over it. You will help her to be a stronger more capable adult by letting her figure this out on her own.

You described a relative of mine to a T, and believe me, you are not doing her any favors by paying any of her bills. Good luck!!!

[Deleted]

I would start with Snerdley's approach. Hopefully, your daughter is just self-centered (that's not a bad thing - we all tend to focus on our own problems and circumstances) and doesn't realize the impact her needs are having on you (you're her mom - you always took care of everything - it may not have occured to her that you don't have infinite resources).

If you present her with the facts and she still isn't sensitive to your needs, then it may be the sort of malicious selfishness that you can only address by cutting her off financially. If that is the case, come back to these boards, and I'm sure you'll find lots of moral support for cutting the apron strings and teaching her a hard lesson.

But I think that is the exception rather than the rule. I'm sure that a frank discussion will resolve things with your daughter and help her be in a better position financially in the long run.

Good luck!