WWY Choose - Money or Intimacy

[susanb]

One of my best friends from college is married to guy she is crazy about who also makes 8x what she does (anesthesiologist/teacher).

However, her husband has some issues (psychological, not physical) land they haven't had sex for two years . They are going to counseling, but it doesn't seem to be helping.

I stayed with them last summer. It was a blast because they are good friends who really respect each other.

What would you do? Could you stay in a sexless marriage with someone who offered you companionship and financial security? Or would it be a deal breaker for you?

I think I would be afraid of resenting the other person. IMO, it is a part of life that is too important to give up, but maybe I am off base

[Deleted]

Deal breaker for sure

[hoops902]

I can get sex anywhere, I'd stay with the money. I think the harder question would be "intimacy" as it relates to being friends/close, etc.

[susanb]

Sept 11, 2012 12:21:52 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

I can get sex anywhere, I'd stay with the money. I think the harder question would be "intimacy" as it relates to being friends/close, etc.

You raise an interesting point about the availability of sex elsewhere. My friend doesn't want to cheat and she doesn't have her DH's blessing to pursue sex outside of the marriage. Normally, I don't support cheating, but I couldn't really begrudge my friend if she chose to do that....

[happyhoix]

Me, personally, I would not settle for that. I like Mr Happy too much.

However I know other people who don't put that much importance on a sex life. One of my sisters is this way. (Of course, this is the one whose husband cheated on her). I think that sister would be perfectly happy with a good platonic, financially adventageous relationship.

Some people just don't want or need sex that much. Or maybe her husband is gay but wants a wife for appearances sake, and she's happy to go along with it. Whatever makes them happy.

[Deleted]

Seems like it would fall under the "for worse" part of the wedding vows. I don't think it would be a deal breaker if they were trying to work through it. When you quit trying, that may be a different story.

But I also think married people tend to overestimate the amount of sex they would be having if they were single.

Also, sex and intimacy are different things.

[midjd]

What would you do? Could you stay in a sexless marriage with someone who offered you companionship and financial security? Or would it be a deal breaker for you?

If DH were willing to talk about it and work on the issues, and expressed a desire to regain a sex life, I could deal with it, and would stay with him for a reasonable amount of time.

If he was not willing to discuss it and simply put it forth as this is how it's going to be, it would depend on whether I could have those needs met elsewhere without jeopardizing the relationship.

I don't think it's a fair tradeoff to expect the other person to never have sex, even if you are providing companionship/security... (that goes for physical issues, not just psychological. If for some reason I was unable to have sex, I wouldn't begrudge DH a physical affair, as long as it didn't take away from our relationship).

[Formerly SK]

Sept 11, 2012 12:26:07 GMT -5 susanb said:

Sept 11, 2012 12:21:52 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

I can get sex anywhere, I'd stay with the money. I think the harder question would be "intimacy" as it relates to being friends/close, etc.

You raise an interesting point about the availability of sex elsewhere. My friend doesn't want to cheat and she doesn't have her DH's blessing to pursue sex outside of the marriage. Normally, I don't support cheating, but I couldn't really begrudge my friend if she chose to do that....

I disagree. I wouldn't begrudge your friend for divorcing her spouse over it, as it is a legitimate issue. But I would never support her cheating on her husband. You can't have your cake (marriage to an otherwise great guy) and eat it too (betray said great guy).

ETA - I just realized I should answer your OP. I would absolutely stay with someone if it was a medical issue (impotence, emotional trauma from childhood rape, etc). If it was simply a preference issue (I want it more than he does) then I'd hope we could come to a compromise. If it was my husband just flat out refusing sex ever again, I'd probably explore divorce options (but that gets complicated if you have kids...not sure what I'd do in that case).

[Deleted]

If we were really good friends who really respect each other, yes I would stay. I would need other forms of affection, but I could deal with the sex part for a partner that is great every other way.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

It depends. I consider sex to be an important part of my relationship. I would be willing to stay if he was willing to address the issue and if we could not find a cause, work with me to find a way that we can satisfy those needs with things other than intercourse.

If I am expected to just accept it and be celibate then no I don't think I could stay married to him no matter how great a person he is or how much money he makes. Vibrators are pretty great but they don't make up for having a willing spouse.

[skubikky]

Nope...nope....nope.
A marriage without sex, where one person desires it and the other doesn't? I would think that eventually the one who is being denied sex would become very angry, hurt and ...horny.

Should they cheat? Nope, probably not a good idea. Would just exacerbate an already tough situation. Can't say what I'd do but the lack of that type of intimacy would absolutely take it's toll.
Missing that very personal and private connection that you have with a spouse, would be heartbreaking I'd think.

[imawino]

I think I could tough it out for a bit if he expressed that he still WANTED to have sex with me and was actively working on a solution, and there was hope in sight. But I think an extended period without physical intimacy will end up putting an emotional distance in a relationship no matter how great your partner is. I think a bigger issue is what his psychological issue is that is preventing him from being able to perform? That could be indicative of a problem that may not be able to be resolved (like if he's gay). Is he physically affectionate in other ways? Is he willing to sexually satisfy her in other ways besides intercourse?

The money part doesn't factor in for me - I don't have sex for money and I also don't give up sex for money.

[susanb]

Sept 11, 2012 12:45:51 GMT -5 skubikky said:

Nope...nope....nope.
A marriage without sex, where one person desires it and the other doesn't? I would think that eventually the one who is being denied sex would become very angry, hurt and ...horny.

Should they cheat? Nope, probably not a good idea. Would just exacerbate an already tough situation. Can't say what I'd do but the lack of that type of intimacy would absolutely take it's toll.
Missing that very personal and private connection that you have with a spouse, would be heartbreaking I'd think.

I agree. Sex is what separates my relationship with DH from all of my other relationships. Also, as a woman, I think it would be hard not to take it personally if your DH wasn't interested in having sex with you. Society has ingrained in us that men pretty much always want sex.

Also, I am not encouraging my friend to cheat in any way, and agree that it would create more problems. I just wouldn't judge her harshly if she did.

[Deleted]

If she is really "crazy" about him and they haven't had sex for 2 yrs, is there something else going on? Sounds a bit strange. If they had cooled on each other and just figured they had the house together and didn't want to upset their lives, then i can see it. Or, he has some underlying physical urological problems or something that she isn't disclosing. I would think in 2 yrs they would have made some progress on the pyschological front.

[Loopdilou]

Has nobody ever heard of masturbation? The couple in the OP sound like they have emotional intimacy, that's more important than sex.

[thyme4change]

Could you stay in a sexless marriage with someone who offered you companionship and financial security?

That would be awesome!

[susanb]

Sept 11, 2012 13:03:33 GMT -5 Loopdilou said:

Has nobody ever heard of masturbation? The couple in the OP sound like they have emotional intimacy, that's more important than sex.

For a month a year masturbation would work for me, but no sex for a lifetime? That ranks as pretty important in my book, but we all have different needs.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Has nobody ever heard of masturbation? The couple in the OP sound like they have emotional intimacy, that's more important than sex.

If I am going to have to get myself off all the time, why am I married?

Sex is a part of my relationship with DH, that's why we have the relationship that we do. If I wanted a platonic friendship I wouldn't have married him.

Sex is a part of our emotional intimacy as a couple. If it wasn't, I wouldn't be married to him because I don't have sex with platonic friends.

I'd be willing to get myself off for awhile but if I was expected to be satisfied with that for the long haul there would be problems.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

What would you do? Could you stay in a sexless marriage with someone who offered you companionship and financial security? Or would it be a deal breaker for you?

You'd be surprised at how couples develop their own "couple style". If the relationship is solid and they really enjoy being together, that makes up for shortfalls in other areas.

There are numerous varieties of sexual activities and intimacies that leave a couple well satisfied.....

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

Sept 11, 2012 13:03:33 GMT -5 Loopdilou said:

Has nobody ever heard of masturbation? The couple in the OP sound like they have emotional intimacy, that's more important than sex.

[Phoenix84]

Well, for me every day lacks both intamacy (emotional and otherwise) and extra financial security of a partner, so one of either would be a step up for me. So they probably have it pretty good.

[Taxman10]

So she's married and not getting laid??

Basically she's got the sex life of a married man...tell her to buck up and enjoy the $$$$$$$$$

[Taxman10]

Sept 11, 2012 13:31:47 GMT -5 @missmargarita said:

Taxi.. it's no wonder half of YM has you on ignore...

Who can't love the TAXMAN!

:-)

[muttleynfelix]

What would you do? Could you stay in a sexless marriage with someone who offered you companionship and financial security? Or would it be a deal breaker for you?

Well, not to get really personal, but while our relationship isn't sexless, we definately have dryspells a lot longer than most couples. Part of it is physical - chronic pain issues + hydrocodones = not a lot of desire on DH's part. I don't think I could stay long term if there wasn't an effort. It doesn't have to be sex, but the fact that my rear end gets squeezed now and then makes me feel like it is still there. There are other ways to feel connected and as long as those are still going on, then the lack of actual sex wouldn't bother me. I wouldn't be getting any single anyway.

Also, as a woman, I think it would be hard not to take it personally if your DH wasn't interested in having sex with you. Society has ingrained in us that men pretty much always want sex.

Yes, yes it is a blow to your self esteem when you get turned down especially when there are all the comments on Message Boards or in books about how yes it is always the woman's fault if you aren't having sex. Yay, not so much. It was also very frustrating trying to get pregnant when your spouse isn't up to having sex. People wonder how we ended up with a New Year's Eve Due date with this baby - like why didn't we plan it better. Well, a couple months of not being able to have sex anywhere near the "fertile" time lead to us just not caring any more. Anyway, JME.

[michelyn8]

Sept 11, 2012 12:20:05 GMT -5 susanb said:

One of my best friends from college is married to guy she is crazy about who also makes 8x what she does (anesthesiologist/teacher).

However, her husband has some issues (psychological, not physical) land they haven't had sex for two years . They are going to counseling, but it doesn't seem to be helping.

I stayed with them last summer. It was a blast because they are good friends who really respect each other.

What would you do? Could you stay in a sexless marriage with someone who offered you companionship and financial security? Or would it be a deal breaker for you?

I think I would be afraid of resenting the other person. IMO, it is a part of life that is too important to give up, but maybe I am off base

Define sex. There are more ways to have "sex" than "basic intercourse". And then, of course, there are other ways for a female or male to satisfy themselves without having to resort to cheating on their spouse.

I've been in arelationship where sex never entered the equation and in many more where it was the main focus.

Its possible your friends have reach a happy medium and value their emotional relationship more than the physical right now.

[skubikky]

I really shouldn't say this but I'm very impressed by how reasonable and well thought out the responses have been......I better not give it the mallocchio

[NoNamePerson]

He's probably getting enough on the side that he can't get it up at home.

[Deleted]

I would stay with my husband. As cliche as it sounds, he is my soulmate. We would find a way to work it out. There are other ways he can sexually satisfy me without having actual intercourse.

[Peace Of Mind]

Sept 11, 2012 13:47:16 GMT -5 @missmargarita said:

I do think that physical intimacy is crucial to a marriage. Yes, it can (and should) include things other than just intercourse... and I get "emotional intimacy" but that doesn't entirely replace the closeness that you get through physical intimacy. Like others have said, if it was something we were both working on and both really wanted then I would stay and help him work through the issues that are causing the problem. But I would hope he would be willing to provide some level of physical intimacy in the meantime.

That's how I feel about it. Especially after 25 years being together. When in our 20's the answer would be intimacy as I made my own money. Now... Money, money, money, money, money, mo neyyyyy

[Taxman10]

Sept 11, 2012 14:26:59 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

He's probably getting enough on the side that he can't get it up at home.

isn't that one of the first signs of cheating? not being interested in sex anymore??