When dreams come true

[Deleted]

Subject: When dreams come true

A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a
vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded
to have the time of his life, until the ship sank.

He found himself on an island with no other people, no
supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when
the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you
get here?"

She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I
landed here when my
cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat
wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of
raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south
side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron..I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small
wharf. As the man looks to shore,
he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk
leading to an exquisite bungalow
painted in blue and white.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp
rope, the man can
only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she
says casually,
"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please".

Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take
another drop of coconut juice.
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still.
How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts,
and they sit down on her couch to talk.

After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces,
"I'm going to slip
into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a
shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet,
is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed
to a hollow ground edge
are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This
woman is amazing," he muses.
"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines,
strategically positioned,
and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit
down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him,
"We've been out here for
many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you
really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean", he swallows excitedly and tears
start to form in his eyes.


"Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course."

[ModE98]

Agree, a man must have his priorities. (LOL)

[Deleted]

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Doreen that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
6 hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Honey, now I only have 18

hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'
Doreen agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only 8 hours of life left. He touched Doreen's shoulder and said, 'Honey? Please, Just one more time before I die.'
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only 4 more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Honey, I only have 4 hours left! Could we...?'
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I have to get up in the morning! You don't.'!

[Deleted]

A man riding his Harley was cruising along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking - the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord answered, "Would you like two lanes or four?"

[Deleted]

Hillbilly Mirror

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old
hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever
having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back At him, "How
about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife,
didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning
before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day
after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's
runnin' around with."

[Deleted]

The founder of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "You've been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world.
Your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said,
"I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "So you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycles, eh?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."

God commented, "Well, what's the big deal about inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Ah, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.
It chatters constantly at high speeds. Most of their ends are too soft and wobble too much.
The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."

God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed ina few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,"
God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are
riding my invention than yours."

[Deleted]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.

2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY ARE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

[Deleted]

one good thing about my wife, she does not eat her own young...i haven't let her loose around other people's kids tho....

[Deleted]

[8 Bit WWBG]

Many of my dreams have come true these last few days.

[peacefuljourn]

Some of these were hilarious- thanks for the laugh!

[Deleted]

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says , 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.'

[Deleted]

awesome snowmobile, fast forward to 2:20 driver falls off

[Deleted]

Hey sports fans --- what to watch this lady or the game.

[Deleted]

young basket player with some amazing moves
Jordan McCabe Seattle News
www.komonews.com/sports/heroes/111892554.html

[Deleted]

Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN THEY ARE PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.

I never really looked it people in that light before but darned if I don't have to agree (plus it gives everyone a usefullness when I would have sworn that some people were totally useless).

[Deleted]

I never really looked it people in that light before but darned if I don't have to agree (plus it gives everyone a usefullness when I would have sworn that some people were totally useless).

REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM.

[yclept]

The grizzly bear
Dewayne, his wife, and Dewayne's mother-in-law went camping over the 4th of July weekend. Dewayne's wife announced that her mother had been gone from her stroll in the woods way too long.
So the two of them went looking for her.
After a while they spotted a gigantic, ferocious grizzly bear squared off with the mother-in-law!
Immediately her daughter said to her husband, in a frantic voice, "Dewayne you got'ta do something, or there's gonna be blood shed fer sure!"
Dewayne calmly said, "Now look, honey, the bear got himself into it..."


source: www.jokebuddha.com/Grizzly#ixzz1BbhUgzD2

[yclept]

Grizzly Bear Warning
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin…
“Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper. ”

[yclept]

On The Run From A Bear
Two backpackers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guys drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guys says, "What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear." "I don't need to outrun the Grizzly," the first guy says. "I just need to outrun you.

[Deleted]

this is an old joke but maybe somebody hasn't heard it.
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

[Deleted]

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog and, since nothing was done, bites the Governor as well. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training on the nature of coyotes. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

In the meantime, the Governor of Wyoming is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point cartridge. The buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Wyoming is not.

[yclept]

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy
Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at
the table.


Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing
standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got to tell
Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be
discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is
me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door.



Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Y our husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come
home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

[Deleted]

Whats the difference between santa and tiger woods?
santa stops at 3 ho's

[Deleted]

spun a wheel bearing, had to go to town to fix it.... thank goodness wifey helped me

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thought i'd fix up the car a little

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[Deleted]

never a good idea to fib to wifey....

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[Deleted]

here i am at the beach, the young lady and i are good friends...
no animals or ladies were hurt during the making of this photo...

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[MN-Investor]

A couple is celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary and their 60th birthdays on the same day. During the celebration, a fairy godmother appears and says that because they had been such a loving couple all those years she will give them one wish each.

The wife says she wants to travel around the world.

The fairy waves her wand and boom! The woman has a wad of tickets in her hand.

Next, it is the husband's turn. He pauses for a moment, then says shyly "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picks up her wand and boom! He's 90.

[Deleted]

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