Weird money situation

[chen35]

I'm posting this in off topic because it's kind of about money, but kind of not...Mods, feel free to move.

DH has kids from his previous marriage. We have the typical (at least used to be typical) every other weekend/one evening a week visitation. We are very involved in their lives outside of this time they are actually staying with us. We attend all sporting events (DH coaches most of their teams), church activities, scouts, etc. Just to kind of give you some background.

We pay monthly child support, and on top of that are supposed to pay half of all medical costs.

DSS2 got braces in May, of which we were expected to pay half. DH's ex is on a monthly payment plan with the orthodontist. DH has asked her repeatedly what our share was. She would tell him that she would find out and let him know. Fast forward to the end of July. She has paid a portion of the bill, but not her full half. The orthodontist has stopped treatment until she can come up with more money. She calls us in a panic last week, asking if we can pay our half. All this time we were more than willing to pay our half upfront, we just couldn't get any information out of her as to how to do so.

So DH calls the orthodontist to pay our half. The office is very confused about what we are paying for, because apparently two of the kids have cavities that need to be filled (I guess its a whole dental office there as well), and just had checkups that needed to be paid for. We were made aware of none of this.

DH asks his ex if we need to pay for half the dentist bill, and she says she didn't ask us because we bought the kids backpacks for school. WTF? We bought the backpacks because we wanted to, it's not related to child support or medical bills or anything like that.

DH says we can't force her to take our money. But the whole thing just seems weird to me. Is something else up? I just get the feeling that something else is going on. His ex and her DH don't have a lot of money. Her DH was unemployed for a long period of time, and doesn't have the greatest job now. We try to chip in with extra stuff the kids need, but it just seems weird to me she wouldn't just ask for us to pay half of all of the medical bills.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

...I agree... seems weird... then again, what isn't?

...can you get copies of med bills rather than go on word-of-mouth?

[happyhoix]

Maybe not weird, she might just be very scatter brained.

As your DH if she was good at keeping up with bills, checks, payment schedules, etc. when they were married. Some people just aren't. could be this is part of their overall money problem.

I would see if DH could get ex-DW to meet him at the dentist office and see if they can sort the back bills out together.

[kent]

She didn't ask because you bought back packs? I don't know but she sounds like a pretty decent person. As do you for accepting responsibility.

I'd push the issue with her (and/or maybe the dentist) to find out your share and then pay maybe 1/2 of what you owe now with the promise of paying the rest as treatment continues.

[Deleted]

Sounds like something is going on.... sound like they are disorganized and undisciplined. Sounds like a house with a couple of kids living there.

[Colleenz]

If it were me, and the money was not a big deal I would probably just pay the dentist at least whatever it took to resume treatment. Whatever is going on the kids teeth should not need to suffer.

[thyme4change]

Is it possible for you to get a complete itemized bill for the past year (or whatever) from the dentist, and then figure out what you have already paid for, and what your "half" is that is left. If your finances allow, could you pay the whole bill, and then "deduct" it from future medical bills or whatever. I think good teeth are very, very important, so I would pay whatever to make sure my kids are covered - but I know that money is always weird between divorced parents.

[Taxman10]

can you just pay the dentist directly??

[thyme4change]

Oh - and also - if you think something odd is going on (which it sounds like) I would pay the dentist directly. I'd try and pay any medical provider directly. Just to make sure your payments aren't getting lost in her bank account.

[mox]

If you are financially able to, knowing their poor financial/employment situation, perhaps you could contribute to more than half of your share so that the dentist/orthodontist will continue the treatment. Does his ex-wife even need to know? Consider it a good faith gesture, but only if you are able to. It's a win-win for all...you will strengthen the relationship between the four adults and the kids will get the treatment they need. If the two of them are strapped, I would think they would appreciate your kindness w/o expecting it to be a continual thing. Let it be a nice surprise for them. It's all about the kids!

[mox]

In due time and when they are able, I think they will reciprocate in some way. They will appreciate your helping them out...just don't make a habit of it. Pay the bill directly to the dentist/orthodontist.

[chen35]

Thanks for all of the responses! Hopefully I don't miss anything.

Prior to this year the kids were on Medicaid. Not our preference, but really not our choice. This year they are on prior insurance. So prior to January we haven't been asked to cover anything. This is why this is all coming up just now.

We did pay the orthodontist directly for our full half. It was more than enough for treatment to be resumed. The orthodontist is sending a receipt, but I don't know if it will include the actual invoice? Is this something we can ask the orthodontist for? I was under the impression that with HIPAA we would have to go through the ex, since the kids aren't on our insurance. That might not be correct.

My husband suggested calling the dentist back and asking what half the bill was for the checkups and the cavities (that are being filled next week I guess), but I don't want to piss his ex off if for some reason she doesn't want us to pay it. Seems kind of sneaky.

And yeah, it could just be the disorganization thing. DH said he handled all of the bills when they were married.

[chen35]

*private insurance, not prior. My edit button isn't working.

[The Captain]

Does she possibly have any concerns about DH trying to take the kids away and using tight finances as a reason?

Most divorced parents I know have to fight tooth and nail to get the spouse to pay their half. This is just weird.

[mox]

"If it were me, and the money was not a big deal I would probably just pay the dentist at least whatever it took to resume treatment. Whatever is going on the kids teeth should not need to suffer."

[mox]

"Most divorced parents I know have to fight tooth and nail to get the spouse to pay their half. This is just weird."

True...unfortunately. Who doesn't want the best for their children...in any situation???

[Bluerobin]

Tell her to send you any bills and you will pay half. No bill, no payment.

[chen35]

"Does she possibly have any concerns about DH trying to take the kids away and using tight finances as a reason?

Most divorced parents I know have to fight tooth and nail to get the spouse to pay their half. This is just weird."

I wouldn't think she would be concerned about that, but I could be wrong. Sometimes I think she doesn't tell us about things until the last minute (parent teacher conferences, etc.) because she doesn't want us to get too close to the kids. Like she doesn't want them to decide when they are older that they want to live with us. But other times she acts fine with however much extra time we want to spend with them, so I don't know. And it's not like any kid ever said, "I want to go live with my dad because he pays for half of my medical bills"

So it's just weird. Probably something I'll never understand.

[mox]

Are you satisfied with their home life? What you know of it...there?

[mox]

Does your husband have any concerns for his children living there or does he feel like it is a good situation overall?

[chen35]

Overall they have a good home life with their mother. There are some things I would do differently, but I'm sure that would be true of anyone. There isn't anything going on their that I think is harmful to the kids.

[chen35]

DH feels the same.

[Colleenz]

Thanks for reminding me to email XH the teacher conference time I set up last night.

[michelyn8]

I say consider yourselves lucky she isn't blaming you for the treatment being suspended for lack of payment. Instead, she apparently seems to have had a lot on her plate recently. Are the backpacks something she would normally buy the kids? If so, she may feel that since you did that, she should cover a little extra even though your help really is needed. Then there is the possibilty that her DH doesn't want you to know they can't cover it.

I say have DH offer to go with her to the Dr's office, sit down with the bookkeeper and determine who is "responsible" for what amount. Then you can move forward from there and maybe work out some other kind of arrangement for this particular bill going forward.

[justme]

Do they share legal custody? If he has legal custody, or whatever the right term is, I would think HIPPA laws would allow him access to the kids' medical records.

[chen35]

Colleenz - you're welcome

I do consider myself lucky, michelyn. We usually buy the kids backpacks and lunchboxes the years they need new ones. You may be onto something about her DH not wanting us to know they can't cover it.

justme - I'm not sure on the legal custody. I'll check.

[mox]

"Thanks for reminding me to email XH the teacher conference time I set up last night"

I can't wait to hear all about her!! Can I attend???

[happyhoix]

"And yeah, it could just be the disorganization thing. DH said he handled all of the bills when they were married."

Bingo.

For a very brief while DH took over paying our bills. A very brief while. I forgot how much we had to pay in late fees during his brief stint.

We have a standing joke - DH would be naked in the desert if it wasn't for my organizational skills.

Sounds like ex -DW married a guy who is just as disorganized as she is, bless her heart.

Sounds like you have a good relationship with them, though, which is excellent.

[thyme4change]

"I want to go live with my dad because he pays for half of my medical bills"

LOL - True. Although if she has insecurities, they may pop out in illogical ways. Just keep doing the best you can and try not to judge her. That would only exacerbate any issues with the relationship. Good luck. I know it isn't easy being the step-mom, or the "new wife."

[daisylu]

Aug 23, 2012 13:39:48 GMT -5 chen35 said:

Overall they have a good home life with their mother. There are some things I would do differently, but I'm sure that would be true of anyone. There isn't anything going on their that I think is harmful to the kids.

KARMA, for such a good attitude.

IA that things sounds strange, but if most everything else has been above board give mom the benefit of the doubt. Even though it is legally required, it is hard for some people to admit that they need assistance.