Flip Side of Wrong-doing Friends

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

So, let's talk about the flip-side of the other thread.

If your friends know something really important that you obviously don't, should they tell you?

Examples:
1. Pending layoffs
2. Being duped in some sort of deal
3. Cheating spouse
4. Malicious gossip (true or untrue)

Is it wrong to withhold information in those cases? As a friend, do you have a duty to tell the clueless victim? Do you step up and do the right thing or do you look away? Where do you draw the line?

And, if you were the clueless friend, what would you do/how would you feel if you discovered your friend knew something important all along and didn't tell you?

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

...fwiw, I don't view #4 as really important... but #1-3 would be nice to know... imo...



eta:

...the whole "duty to tell" part, for me, comes into play especially for long time friends at weddings who may later become aware of adulterous activity... for example, if we called upon each other to be witnesses at our weddings, and the whole nine yards for "help us build this home" sentiment, then we better be willing to stand against the flame and fess up if we see one of us poking our noses where they don't belong... (no pun intended)

:-\

[happyhoix]

Well it would depend on the quality of the knowledge.

Where I work there tends to be a lot of unfounded or partial rumors that float around, both about work and about the personal lives of people who work here. People that spread that kind of information are gossips, and I wouldn't want to know it.

However, if someone that knows me and DH sees DH out in public kissing another woman, THAT I would expect a friend to tell me.

[8 Bit WWBG]

In previous discussions, the prevailing viewpoint seemed to be that you are damned no matter what you do. If you tell, not only are you butting in, but you are a lousy secret keeper. If you keep the secret, then you are a bad friend for withholding information that could have mattered.

[Deleted]

Numbers 1 and 2, it would depend on how I got the information. If it would jeopordize my job, I wouldn't come out and tell them. I might try to find a way to hint at it if I could.

Number 3, I'm glad I haven't had to deal with that kind of situation so far, it often doesn't turn out so well. What I would do depends on the friend and whether I was absolutely positive my information was correct. That's a tough one.

Number 4, people that know me well, know not to down my friends to me. I've stopped people before when they were spreading ugly gossip about someone I like, by telling them "Don't tell me anything you don't want me to tell him/her, because I'm GOING to tell them".

[shanendoah]

1) If I know about pending lay-offs, its because that's part of my job, and I am held to confidentiality about those sorts of things. I don't have any close friends who work in my department, but if I did, and they asked directly, the most I would be able to say is that it never hurts to have your resume up to date. Saying anything else would jeapordize my job.

2) If I think a friend is being victimized by a scam, you can bet I would say something.

3) I probably wouldn't say anything to the person being cheated on, but I would let the cheater know I knew, with a hint that I might tell.
Problem with this in my life is that a number of our group are in poly/open relationships. They don't run around advertising the fact, but it's certainly possible that I'm simply seeing them with their other partner, and primary partner, the one I'm friends with, knows all about it.

4) Malicious gossip would depend on what I thougth the effects of it would be. If it were something that could cost them their job/professional reputation (I have friends who are lawyers, so this does matter) or a relationship, I'd probably let them know. (Back to the cheating example- If I heard gossip that friend X was cheating on friend Y, I'd go to friend X and mention it.) If it's just someone being an ass, I'd most likely tell the gossiper to shut up and then forget about it.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

Aug 15, 2012 16:55:14 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

1) If I know about pending lay-offs, its because that's part of my job, and I am held to confidentiality about those sorts of things. I don't have any close friends who work in my department, but if I did, and they asked directly, the most I would be able to say is that it never hurts to have your resume up to date. Saying anything else would jeapordize my job.

2) If I think a friend is being victimized by a scam, you can bet I would say something.

3) I probably wouldn't say anything to the person being cheated on, but I would let the cheater know I knew, with a hint that I might tell.
Problem with this in my life is that a number of our group are in poly/open relationships. They don't run around advertising the fact, but it's certainly possible that I'm simply seeing them with their other partner, and primary partner, the one I'm friends with, knows all about it.

4) Malicious gossip would depend on what I thougth the effects of it would be. If it were something that could cost them their job/professional reputation (I have friends who are lawyers, so this does matter) or a relationship, I'd probably let them know. (Back to the cheating example- If I heard gossip that friend X was cheating on friend Y, I'd go to friend X and mention it.) If it's just someone being an ass, I'd most likely tell the gossiper to shut up and then forget about it.

...put in those terms, I'll second her #4...

[Sum Dum Gai]

I actually did have two friends sit me down and tell me they thought my wife was cheating on me. Their "evidence" was pretty laughable, but they were just trying to look out for me. It was kind of touching. I couldn't help but laugh, and they thought I was nuts for not taking them seriously, but the sentiment was sweet.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Does it change any of your answers if the important information the clueless friend is missing pertains to a child? If the child could come to harm if you don't tell the clueless parent? Do you then feel an obligation/duty to tell?

[jaya3300]

Aug 15, 2012 16:08:10 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

So, let's talk about the flip-side of the other thread.

If your friends know something really important that you obviously don't, should they tell you?

Examples:
1. Pending layoffs
2. Being duped in some sort of deal
3. Cheating spouse
4. Malicious gossip (true or untrue)

Is it wrong to withhold information in those cases? As a friend, do you have a duty to tell the clueless victim? Do you step up and do the right thing or do you look away? Where do you draw the line?

And, if you were the clueless friend, what would you do/how would you feel if you discovered your friend knew something important all along and didn't tell you?

# 2 If said friend knew about the deal was illegal, shady, or a scam, I would expect said friend to tell me especially if I had been discussing it with them. # 3 I fall into the "I want to know" camp and would expect my friends to tell me if my spouse was cheating.

[flopsy]

Aug 15, 2012 16:08:10 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

If your friends know something really important that you obviously don't, should they tell you?

Examples:
1. Pending layoffs

When I was laid off there were a few people who didn't seem really surprised. One of the girls said she had heard that I had an opportunity elsewhere (as opposed to being laid off). Really, you heard I had received an offer elsewhere and never said anything to me/asked me about it? I guess the group wasn't as open and honest as I thought. Not that a heads up would have really changed anything but it would have been nice.

[flopsy]

Aug 15, 2012 16:08:10 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Examples:
4. Malicious gossip (true or untrue)

I loves me some malicious gossip! Do tell.

Lesson learned from my most recent job: do NOT tell someone a juicy detail about your life and then burn them a few days later. You are just asking for it.

[Deleted]

I don't believe in repeating gossip at all. It serves no purpose. All it does is hurt the feelings of the one you are telling it to. And, to what end anyway? What is the point?

[midjd]

This is a hard question to answer. I think it really depends on your friends - mine probably wouldn't know if I was about to be laid off, so I can't really imagine a situation in which they would need to tell me. Same with a business deal.

But I don't really expect a duty to tell - except maybe for the malicious gossip. Most of my friends don't have a problem saying, "Hey, you know so-and-so was talking about how drunk you were on Saturday, right?" They are such shit-stirrers

Generally, if it's a situation in which I wouldn't get involved (and I try to stay out of things), I wouldn't be mad at my friends for not getting involved. I try to be consistent as far as that goes.

[Firebird]

Aug 15, 2012 17:33:08 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

I actually did have two friends sit me down and tell me they thought my wife was cheating on me. Their "evidence" was pretty laughable, but they were just trying to look out for me. It was kind of touching. I couldn't help but laugh, and they thought I was nuts for not taking them seriously, but the sentiment was sweet.

Sounds like a good story. What was the evidence?

[Firebird]

Aug 15, 2012 18:28:14 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

Does it change any of your answers if the important information the clueless friend is missing pertains to a child? If the child could come to harm if you don't tell the clueless parent? Do you then feel an obligation/duty to tell?

Yes, and anyone who wouldn't is a bad person IMO. Not even going to qualify that one. If you have reason to suspect a child is in danger for any reason, you tell their parents. Full stop.

(PS - my definition of "child" in this answer is under 13 or so, after that you hit gray areas.)

[Firebird]

I don't believe in repeating gossip at all. It serves no purpose. All it does is hurt the feelings of the one you are telling it to. And, to what end anyway? What is the point?

Personally, I like to know what's being said about me. 90% of the time, I just find it amusing - the other 10% of the time, it's useful.

[Deleted]

So, you go to a friend and say "so and so called you a Lard Butt". And, what does that accomplish exactly? I honestly do not care what other people are saying about me. I don't find anything useful about that info whatsoever.

[midjd]

Aug 16, 2012 10:14:09 GMT -5 @shooby said:

So, you go to a friend and say "so and so called you a Lard Butt". And, what does that accomplish exactly? I honestly do not care what other people are saying about me. I don't find anything useful about that info whatsoever.

That's because that's not a useful piece of gossip. Some gossip IS useful.

Most people would probably like to know if all their friends were gossiping that their spouse was cheating on them, for instance. If true, that's definitely worth knowing, and if false, it's worth knowing what caused your friends to think/assume that.

Or say you're pregnant, and in the bathroom constantly, come out with red, watery eyes, start using a lot of sick time. Your coworkers, not knowing you're pregnant, start telling each other that you must be on drugs. Wouldn't you want to know what is being said, so that you can correct it?

[Deleted]

OK, fair enough and good point.

[Deleted]

As for pending layoffs and stuff. If that is something i had to keep confidential as part of employment, i would not tell someone because i agree to follow the rules at my job. For a cheating spouse, if i knew that my BF's spouse was cheating and she didn't know , then i probably would tell her. If it was more of an acquaitance then i probably would not.

[Deleted]

Aug 16, 2012 10:17:26 GMT -5 midjd said:

Aug 16, 2012 10:14:09 GMT -5 @shooby said:

So, you go to a friend and say "so and so called you a Lard Butt". And, what does that accomplish exactly? I honestly do not care what other people are saying about me. I don't find anything useful about that info whatsoever.

That's because that's not a useful piece of gossip. Some gossip IS useful.

That isn't useful? What if i really was and didn't know it? Then it might be useful!

[shanendoah]

I just signed all the paperwork necessary to become a foster parent this week. That makes me legally required to report anything that causes harm to a child.
But I would also talk to anyone about anything if I thought physical harm might come of it. Going back to the malicious gossip example, if I heard that X was planning on killing Y, if I had even the slightest feeling it might be true, I would go to Y, and I would also probably go to the police.

I understand the theory behind not repeating malicious gossip, but when you have a friend who works in the DA's office with plans to become a judge, one who is a public defender, and another friend who plans on running for public office, malicious gossip could be career killers. I'd rather repeat the gossip to them, so that they can get ahead of the issue, than watch their careers be destroyed because I didn't want to hurt their feelings.
I think the same could be true for doctors, social workers, or even teachers.

ETA: I don't think calling someone a "lard butt" is malicious gossip. I think accusing someone of unethical behavior or circumventing the law is malicious gossip.

[Firebird]

Aug 16, 2012 10:17:59 GMT -5 @shooby said:

OK, fair enough and good point.

Mid beat me to it. That's the kind of thing I was talking about - you can probably skip telling me that someone called me Lardbutt (although I don't know if that would count as malicious gossip these days!)

[raeoflyte]

DH's coworkers tend to think he is having an affair quite a bit simply because I "allow" him to go out with other women without me. I called him at work once after he had already left for breakfast with a female coworker and gossip mill went crazy there for about a month. We tend to think it's pretty amusing.

[shanendoah]

I moved away from my hometown after 7th grade, but came back in the summers to visit my father. Summer between jr and sr years in highschool, I was spending the day hanging out with my BFF (since we were 2), but she had to work a 4 hour shift that afternoon.
So, I hung out with her BF for those 4 hours. We did some shopping, picked up take out so that we could have dinner as soon as BFF got off work, rented a movie, etc.

Mind you, this is a small town. BFF's mother had people calling her to tell her they saw BFF'S BF going around town with "some blonde". Considering BFF and I had been friends since we were 2, her mom was like a second mom to me, and she knew exactly what was going on. She was laughing about the thing as she was trying to tell us about all these people calling her and saying - "I just saw Mike with some blond at the video store"

[Phoenix84]

Depends on the situation, like what the consequences for me are if I do tell and how sure I am of the knowledge. If I might get in serious trouble (i.e. telling people about layoffs, and my own job would be a risk) I wouldn't do it.

I usually don't take any gossip seriously, so probably not.

Being duped in a deal, I'd usually tell them.

I don't know about a cheating spouse, would depend on the situation and how sure I was. I wouldn't go and try and wreck somebody's marriage just on a suspicion or appearances.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

Okay, I'll take it one step further: upon hearing malicious gossip about an clueless friend, would you refute the gossip and defend the clueless friend in order to try and shut the gossiper down, or would you stay quiet until you were absolutely certain the gossip was false, or just stay quiet and stay out of it?

[Deleted]

Well, one instance, a person started commenting on a friend who had some personal life issues in a disparaging way. And, yes, that person had cheated on his spouse. But, i told that person, i don't want to hear it, people make mistakes and so and so is a good friend of mine.

[Firebird]

Okay, I'll take it one step further: upon hearing malicious gossip about an clueless friend, would you refute the gossip and defend the clueless friend in order to try and shut the gossiper down, or would you stay quiet until you were absolutely certain the gossip was false, or just stay quiet and stay out of it?

I can't say this has ever happened to me so I'm not sure what I would do

My instinct would be to defend my friend but a lot would depend on the situation.