Wizard of Id
Familiar Member
Do I mix the Red with the Green...or.....Green with Red??
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 15:11:26 GMT -5
Posts: 834
|
Post by Wizard of Id on Aug 10, 2012 19:59:42 GMT -5
I've seen it enough that I just turn my head, or don't judge. I'm sure everybody has their own reasons...my opinion is that most of the time it comes down to attention. Married people - both men and women - get comfortable and don't spend the time togethor that you would when dating, so when somebody comes along who does spend the time it's pretty tempting. Of course there is other reasons, like boredom or just the thrill, but I think that's the major one. On a side note, I always here "men are such dogs" or "men are always trying to screw around." It kinda irritates me. For every man that's screwing around chances are the woman is too - unless the man is dumb enough to fool around with a single woman. So maybe it's time for us to get over this notion that men are pigs and women are oh-so-pure.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 27, 2024 5:01:49 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2012 20:02:54 GMT -5
It won't help. By being in love with someone else you are having an "emotional affair" and according to many that is even WORSE than having sex with someone.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Aug 10, 2012 20:32:36 GMT -5
No, an emotional affair is still a relationship (to me) and not that different from a physical affair. I'm not talking about spending loads of time with someone and saying how much you love them and feeling all virtuous because you've never had sex. I'm talking about not being in a relationship of ANY kind with the person until you are free and clear. Full stop. You just stay away from them. THAT is the ethical thing to do.
|
|
Loopdilou
Well-Known Member
AKA Mrs. Dark Honor
Joined: Feb 27, 2012 19:41:33 GMT -5
Posts: 1,365
|
Post by Loopdilou on Aug 10, 2012 20:44:40 GMT -5
Dark gets all mad at me if I even make friends with other guys.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 10, 2012 20:48:56 GMT -5
I think you need to tread lightly in some of these instances. DFs ex had an affair and was mean about it. I re-connected with DF before their divorce was final. Technically, he started an affair as well-with me. For sure, as my mom loved to point out, I got him on the rebound. Thing is, I don't give a shit because I'll take him anyway I can get him. So that makes me a bad person as well. I can live with that. Would I have preferred their divorce be final before we started dating? Yes indeed but I don't lose sleep over it, either. It took more than a year for their divorce to get final because she wanted him back after her married lover dumped her. Then DF didn't want her back and the fun started. So I guess in her mind, I'm the home wrecker. I can live with that, too. No one can break up a loving relationship. Theirs was based not on love but on other things. Valid things at the time but she got blatant about those things and it hurt DF. People need to feel loved and not just for their wallet. DF and I go way back. We would have been married had it not been for parental interference and we both married the wrong people for the wrong reasons. When that happens relationships are doomed.
|
|
cottoncandyclouds
Established Member
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Joined: Jul 25, 2011 18:15:52 GMT -5
Posts: 379
|
Post by cottoncandyclouds on Aug 10, 2012 21:10:24 GMT -5
I think you need to tread lightly in some of these instances. DFs ex had an affair and was mean about it. I re-connected with DF before their divorce was final. Technically, he started an affair as well-with me. For sure, as my mom loved to point out, I got him on the rebound. Thing is, I don't give a shit because I'll take him anyway I can get him. So that makes me a bad person as well. I can live with that. Would I have preferred their divorce be final before we started dating? Yes indeed but I don't lose sleep over it, either. It took more than a year for their divorce to get final because she wanted him back after her married lover dumped her. Then DF didn't want her back and the fun started. So I guess in her mind, I'm the home wrecker. I can live with that, too. No one can break up a loving relationship. Theirs was based not on love but on other things. Valid things at the time but she got blatant about those things and it hurt DF. People need to feel loved and not just for their wallet. DF and I go way back. We would have been married had it not been for parental interference and we both married the wrong people for the wrong reasons. When that happens relationships are doomed. I can't express this better myself. The only difference between our cases is I've never been married before. However, he is still married now with a lengthy divorce process ahead of him. If that makes me a villain,home wrecker, weak,or any of the number of things you want to call those who have become another women than so be it. I'll accept that is what you think of me. But their relationship ended long before I came along.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Aug 10, 2012 21:12:44 GMT -5
Dark gets all mad at me if I even make friends with other guys. How about other girls?
|
|
qofcc
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:30:58 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
|
Post by qofcc on Aug 10, 2012 21:13:53 GMT -5
Thing is, I don't give a shit because I'll take him anyway I can get him. ......DF and I go way back. We would have been married had it not been for parental interference and we both married the wrong people for the wrong reasons.
I know this is OT and feel free not to answer, but you kind of took me by surprise. This is the first time I've heard you talk about him that way. I don't mean this negatively, but you usually make your relationship sound more practical than passionate. So why is he still DF and not DH?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: Apr 27, 2024 5:01:49 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 10, 2012 21:25:44 GMT -5
You guys are way stricter than anyone I know. With folks I know, being separated and living apart is as good as divorced for starting a relationship.
|
|
Spellbound454
Senior Member
"In the end, we remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends"
Joined: Sept 9, 2011 17:28:42 GMT -5
Posts: 3,987
|
Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 11, 2012 2:18:25 GMT -5
My reaction to that, (and I have been in that situation)...is for the guy to go away and sort himself out....then come back when he was free to love me.
Its not by way of virtue...I just didn't think it was fair of him to put me through all the hurt and upset of his messy divorce.
He had plenty of time to consider whether he wanted back in his marriage, have all the talks he wanted to have with his ex, sort out finances and put things on an even keel. Then if he still wanted a relationship with me... we could start on a good footing.
Self preservation is the motive here......I was in a happy and stable situation where I was,...and in order to make a go of a new relationship the guy would have to bring to the table something as good as, if not better than... I could offer.....with no regrets.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 11, 2012 8:40:41 GMT -5
Trust me, I stayed in Florida while the crap flew and fly it did. I'm a bit hesitant about getting married again and I need to feel ready. DF seems okay with it most of the time but sometimes he is not. He knows what I went through in my last marriage and is trying to be understanding but I'm sure it gets old to him. Plus, his ex is one crazy lady and she scares me at times. When you are nuts you can get away with a lot, it seems. Because she goes to a counselor and is on meds, she can pull all kinds of stunts that normal people would get in trouble for. I've mentioned a few on these forums. Believe me, I made DF continue counseling because he needed to own his part in her affair. He basically left the marriage when his DD went to college because she was the glue that made him stay. Now he wishes he had gotten divorced 10 years ago but do overs aren't allowed in all cases in life.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,865
|
Post by zibazinski on Aug 11, 2012 8:53:54 GMT -5
Btw, my Baptist upbringing still makes me cringe over the whole thing. Guilt runs pretty deep when religion is very strong. Even if I weren't raised that way, I do have a strong sense of right and wrong and I do know that starting a relationship with someone whose divorce was not final was very wrong. No getting past that sin, that's for sure. I can tell myself I don't care but down deep, I really do.
|
|
quince
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 23, 2011 17:51:12 GMT -5
Posts: 2,699
|
Post by quince on Aug 11, 2012 8:54:57 GMT -5
I generally get irritated with fictional characters when they don't behave with integrity. Even (especially) when I'm supposed to be "cheering" for them.
Even though I don't think infidelity is horrifying and catastrophic and OMG disaster!, I also don't think it's the best choice ever, but not everyone always makes the best choice, and elevating sexual fidelity to the one thing that people can't fuck up at without being a total asshole seems very artificial to me.
I had friends that were cheering me on, HOPING I'd start a relationship with someone while still in an unhealthy one, because they wanted me to be happy and knew I wasn't. I ended the relationship before diving in to the new one, but if a friend of mine was in a similar place? Yeah, I'd probably cheer them on- it would be BETTER to end the current relationship first, but if getting into a new one puts them on that road, I'll recommend restaurants, and maybe supply a gift card.
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Aug 11, 2012 10:59:26 GMT -5
Stop trying rationalize ncg! and shame on you!!! Stop trying rationalize ncg! LMAO! That is NOT what I'm doing because there is NOTHING going on!!! Not by YOUR choice. Because he is not into you! If he was - that baby would be an alcoholic by now
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Aug 11, 2012 11:15:55 GMT -5
You guys are way stricter than anyone I know. With folks I know, being separated and living apart is as good as divorced for starting a relationship. I agree. I moved in with DH before he even filed for divorce. At that point he had been married for 6 months and his ex had been living with another guy for 3 months. I suppose according to some we were all cheaters, but it didn't seem that way. Their relationship was severed long before I came along. Fun story, I also attended their wedding
|
|
ednaveitch
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 7, 2012 14:30:06 GMT -5
Posts: 104
|
Post by ednaveitch on Aug 11, 2012 11:26:35 GMT -5
In my opinion men line up a replacement before they leave, they do not want to be alone, its the same with sons, they rarely leave home until they find another woman to care for them.
I do not have a high opinion of men in general weak willed and weak minded, obsessed with their own status.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Aug 11, 2012 11:44:30 GMT -5
Ouch. I wouldn't know how to answer that. One of those situations where it would've been far, far better for all involved if she'd never found out.
(If he knew he was terminal, why didn't he 'clean up' before he died?)
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,310
|
Post by swamp on Aug 11, 2012 12:11:59 GMT -5
In my opinion men line up a replacement before they leave, they do not want to be alone, its the same with sons, they rarely leave home until they find another woman to care for them. I do not have a high opinion of men in general weak willed and weak minded, obsessed with their own status. Men are just like women. Some suck, some don't.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,310
|
Post by swamp on Aug 11, 2012 12:12:39 GMT -5
Ouch. I wouldn't know how to answer that. One of those situations where it would've been far, far better for all involved if she'd never found out. (If he knew he was terminal, why didn't he 'clean up' before he died?) It's pretty cruel, like he wanted her to know. It's easy to destroy the evidence.
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Aug 11, 2012 12:14:22 GMT -5
I just HAD to go see what the answer was: Dear Betrayed, The box in the attic. The papers in the back of the drawer. The unlabeled videotape. The odd email string. This is the detritus that’s sometimes left behind that can upend how the living remember the dead. Certainly it’s infuriating that your husband, probably out of oversight and certainly not out of malice, didn’t scrub his email so that you couldn’t stumble on this loose end. But here you are, unable to confront him, unable to leave him, and having to wonder if everything was a lie. I don’t think it was. Let’s take what you’ve found. It’s three emails spaced over several years. From your description, it’s not clear whether these encounters actually took place. Yes, you have evidence of interaction, but it doesn’t appear you have confirmation of consummation. But let’s assume the worse case. Sure, it’s possible you’re only seeing a sample of his extracurriculars, but you might be seeing the extent of it. If so, then your husband had three casual sexual encounters after he knew you. Two took place early in your courtship, and one was as he was facing death. Maybe before he met you these kinds of activities were his prediliction, but he reined that in because of his love for you. The final episode (if it even took place) could have been a last bit of sexual bravado for a dying man. I understand you feel bitter and betrayed, and he did hide an unappealing aspect of himself. But none of that cancels out what you had or makes it a lie. You’re in shock and you should not handle this alone, nor do I think you should spill this to those who are also mourning. Please consider seeing a therapist who specializes in grief. Talking this through in confidence with a neutral person will allow you to work out this complicated loss. That should allow you to plan the memorial, and know that when you hear the many people there attesting that you were the love of his life, feel secure that they are telling the truth.
—Prudie
I posted first. Then I read it and now I think...isn't Prudie great???
|
|
tloonya
Junior Associate
What status?
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 16:22:13 GMT -5
Posts: 8,452
|
Post by tloonya on Aug 11, 2012 12:26:54 GMT -5
I am re-reading Prudie's answer and getting so upset! Why would be dying man want to have an affair from his wife who he loved so much? Bravado? my ass!!!!!! Woman was with him trough thick and thin and he needed to satisfy his 'bravado' Naah something is not adding up here. Could that be that he married her for the wrong reason and there was no such love? Sometimes women overestimating their men's love... Oh! I got it... I stumbled across email responses he had sent to singles and couples seeking casual sexual encounters. So he wasn't a cheater! He was an experimentator! She was too plain of a vanilla for him sexually. They had probably got a wonderfull relation-friend-ship but sex life was blah... Therre you go. Nothing scary.
|
|
ednaveitch
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 7, 2012 14:30:06 GMT -5
Posts: 104
|
Post by ednaveitch on Aug 11, 2012 13:02:28 GMT -5
Sex is about making love, it is an emotional act between two humans, we are not rutting animals seeking instant impersonal gratification, the man disgusts me
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,310
|
Post by swamp on Aug 11, 2012 13:04:39 GMT -5
Sex is about making love, it is an emotional act between two humans, we are not rutting animals seeking instant impersonal gratification, the man disgusts me Meh, sometimes sex is just sex.
|
|
ednaveitch
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 7, 2012 14:30:06 GMT -5
Posts: 104
|
Post by ednaveitch on Aug 11, 2012 13:13:58 GMT -5
I agree, meaningless sex is meaningless, animals do it all the time, thankfully I am not an animal and do not value empty acts of self gratification.
With freedom comes responsibility, some can handle neither.
|
|
susanb
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 21, 2012 14:16:56 GMT -5
Posts: 1,430
|
Post by susanb on Aug 11, 2012 13:21:24 GMT -5
I agree, meaningless sex is meaningless, animals do it all the time, thankfully I am not an animal and do not value empty acts of self gratification. With freedom comes responsibility, some can handle neither. Oh, for goodness sakes. Sometimes DH and I make love and sometimes we have sex that is just sex. This doesn't make either of us animals. It makes us humans who enjoy having sex.
|
|
susanb
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 21, 2012 14:16:56 GMT -5
Posts: 1,430
|
Post by susanb on Aug 11, 2012 13:22:39 GMT -5
duplicate post
|
|
susanb
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 21, 2012 14:16:56 GMT -5
Posts: 1,430
|
Post by susanb on Aug 11, 2012 13:26:18 GMT -5
In my opinion men line up a replacement before they leave, they do not want to be alone, its the same with sons, they rarely leave home until they find another woman to care for them. I do not have a high opinion of men in general weak willed and weak minded, obsessed with their own status.Misandry is just as ugly as misoginy. Making sweeping statements that paint an entire group of people in a negative light based on their gender or race or sexual orientation is weak minded.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,310
|
Post by swamp on Aug 11, 2012 13:29:41 GMT -5
I agree, meaningless sex is meaningless, animals do it all the time, thankfully I am not an animal and do not value empty acts of self gratification. With freedom comes responsibility, some can handle neither. Im all about the gratification. Empty or not.
|
|
ednaveitch
Junior Member
Joined: Aug 7, 2012 14:30:06 GMT -5
Posts: 104
|
Post by ednaveitch on Aug 11, 2012 13:39:33 GMT -5
You think you are having just sex but in reality you are not, animals just have sex, its a biological instinct with no feeling toward the partner.
Humans enjoy making love with meaning in whatever form this takes, having sex only because it is an instinct is as meaningful as going to the toilet.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,310
|
Post by swamp on Aug 11, 2012 13:41:08 GMT -5
Bathroom trips are meaningful. Try not crapping for a month and see how that goes.
|
|