moxie
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 28, 2012 18:35:10 GMT -5
Posts: 1,488
|
Post by moxie on Jul 24, 2012 10:57:43 GMT -5
Today at 10:52am, goldpanninggirl wrote: I have one.... I am still not sure what you are supposed to do with a "child" who can't be around other people and has no work skills... Mine needs mental health counciling (at the least) but refuses to go. Once they are 18, there is nothing you can do about it. I have heard the cries to "kick him to the curb" but I think in our situation that would likely end badly. I honestly have no earthly idea what to do about the situation. I am hopeful that a lack of anything in his life other than the very, very basics of food and water will get him to self-motivate. And, I do have to admit that it seems to be working. Ohhhhhh...so difficult.
|
|
moxie
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 28, 2012 18:35:10 GMT -5
Posts: 1,488
|
Post by moxie on Jul 24, 2012 11:00:07 GMT -5
My sis is 60 and has been a failure to launch for over 40 years. I'd like to launch her azz...
|
|
andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 30,430
|
Post by andi9899 on Jul 24, 2012 11:05:33 GMT -5
My sister is 32 and lives with my parents with her 3 kids. She has a FT job and pays no rent, but she's always broke. I have no idea what she does with her money. My mom and dad complain about her all the time but refuse to kick her out.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 8, 2024 15:13:30 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2012 11:06:19 GMT -5
Mine went through years of watching his father die a slow death, and also was relentlessly bullied throughout school. He has a learning disability and has a hard time reading, though he does have a HS diploma. He is not college material, and he isn't eligible for the military. He can fix anything, and would make a great plumber or something.
He seems to be completely paranoid and believes that everyone is both against him and talking badly about him. A mere suggestion of how to do something differently will send him off in a complete rage. I can't imagine him working for someone and them trying to tell him how they want the work done...
He hasn't worked because he can't drive. He can't drive because I can't afford his insurance and another car for him to drive right now. When I could, he refused to try and get a job, so we didn't let him get his license....
A second car is high on my "must have" list. Him taking his driving tests and passing them is also high on that list. But, he understands now, very clearly, that once the license is in his hand then he is expected to come up with a way to pay for his insurance or he will not be allowed to drive.
|
|
moxie
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 28, 2012 18:35:10 GMT -5
Posts: 1,488
|
Post by moxie on Jul 24, 2012 11:06:21 GMT -5
"My sister is 32 and lives with my parents with her 3 kids. She has a FT job and pays no rent, but she's always broke. I have no idea what she does with her money. My mom and dad complain about her all the time but refuse to kick her out." OMG!!
|
|
moxie
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 28, 2012 18:35:10 GMT -5
Posts: 1,488
|
Post by moxie on Jul 24, 2012 11:07:42 GMT -5
gpg: You and your son get along pretty well or does he often get angry at you?
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 8, 2024 15:13:30 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2012 11:14:29 GMT -5
gpg: You and your son get along pretty well or does he often get angry at you? We actually get along pretty well. We have an understanding since DH passed that I want, or rather require, a peaceful place to live. We argue on occasion, but try to make an effort not to. DS and I have talked about splitting expenses when he gets a job and living together so he can save up some money to purchase some property or a house at some point. I am fine with that, as long as he is working and helping. In my DS's defense, he does a ton of work around the house and the property. However, when he mentioned this I did inform him that while I had one "stay at home husband" I am happy to do all the work around the house and don't want another adult that I have to work to support. Been there, done that. The best "motivator" for DS so far has been his brother getting his job. His brother now has cash for all those things he wants in life, and is able to drive himself wherever he wants to go. This is motivating my other son to start to want to work, want to earn money, and want to have that freedom.
|
|
beags
Well-Known Member
I'm not a psychopath. I'm a high functioning sociopath, do your research.
Joined: Nov 29, 2012 22:24:40 GMT -5
Posts: 1,035
|
Post by beags on Jul 24, 2012 11:15:10 GMT -5
Mine went through years of watching his father die a slow death, and also was relentlessly bullied throughout school. He has a learning disability and has a hard time reading, though he does have a HS diploma. He is not college material, and he isn't eligible for the military. He can fix anything, and would make a great plumber or something. He seems to be completely paranoid and believes that everyone is both against him and talking badly about him. A mere suggestion of how to do something differently will send him off in a complete rage. I can't imagine him working for someone and them trying to tell him how they want the work done... He hasn't worked because he can't drive. He can't drive because I can't afford his insurance and another car for him to drive right now. When I could, he refused to try and get a job, so we didn't let him get his license.... A second car is high on my "must have" list. Him taking his driving tests and passing them is also high on that list. But, he understands now, very clearly, that once the license is in his hand then he is expected to come up with a way to pay for his insurance or he will not be allowed to drive. my daughter is 20. although her "learning disability" has not affected her as much as your son's has. She has ADD (without the H). she is as innattentive as you can get. You want to talk about shiny objects? You could be talking right to her and if something else catches her eye, she is off. Anyway, it has caused a problem with keeping a job. Her employers have said she seems in the clouds. It has kept her from getting a driver's license . . can't focus on the road. Yet .. she gets high grades in school. When she was younger she was bullied a lot. She now sees a councelor at the college. I never knew she felt she did until she started telling me about some of the sessions. I always wanted to get her counceling growing up . . but my hubby vehemently was against it. He was afraid all they would want to do is medicate her. Which at the time was the only answer anyone would give for attention deficit. She went through school fine without medication .. but driving and keeping a job . . . it's obvious she needs something. I feel for you with your son .. .dealing with a learning disability, bullies, and the lasting effects of that bullying is not fun. As a parent, it's heart breaking.
|
|
formerroomate99
Junior Associate
Joined: Sept 12, 2011 13:33:12 GMT -5
Posts: 7,381
|
Post by formerroomate99 on Jul 24, 2012 11:15:30 GMT -5
After spending a good part of my childhood couch surfing while my father was dying slowly of cancer, and spending 8 years in a school where an average day was when they walked up to me giggling and asked how my father was a week after he had died, I craved independence. I absolutely hated being a little kid, not having any control of where I went, where I lived or who I had to spend time with. For me, dealing with work and bosses and coworkers was well worth it to get the cash I needed to have more control of my life.
But then again, I was raised to be independent. No allowance, cash was given for doing a job. I had to find and keep a job to buy a car and pay for the insurance. If I wanted to eat lunch at school or anyplace else, I had to either pack my own lunch or buy one with money I had earned. I think some parents make a mistake, giving children all the trappings of adulthood (car, phone, spending money) without having the children work for them.
|
|
moxie
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jun 28, 2012 18:35:10 GMT -5
Posts: 1,488
|
Post by moxie on Jul 24, 2012 11:15:40 GMT -5
^Great!
|
|
alabamagal
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 23, 2010 11:30:29 GMT -5
Posts: 8,120
|
Post by alabamagal on Jul 24, 2012 12:09:11 GMT -5
I like the idea of a "soft landing spot". We are going through this now. DD is 21 she "moved back in" last Friday, college graduation is this Friday! She finished her bachelors degree in 3 years plus 2 summers. Degree is marine biology. She wants to go to grad school, she has decent gpa, but not sure if it is high enough for grad school. Here is plan for the next year
- Study and take GRE - I think she will do well, but can't see that she has opened her study book yet. - Look for internships - she applied for 2, didn't get one, but I see no evidence she has done much else - SCUBA lessons - actually a job requirement for many positions, and likely why she didn't get one internship - Work at minimum wage job - she will work at my husbands business, she is actually very good at what she does, but not related to her studies. It's kind of a cop out that she has a built in job, but my husband does need an employee to replace my son starting college. - I think she should also look for a waitress type job, but we will see - Make all payments on her student loans, her total is probably 20k - She has a car that we bought for her, it is 1996, we are turning title over to her for her graduation present. She will have to start paying all expenses.
I am really hoping she works toward her goal of grad school and then gets a job someday!
|
|
Gardening Grandma
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:39:46 GMT -5
Posts: 17,962
|
Post by Gardening Grandma on Jul 24, 2012 12:20:49 GMT -5
That is a very, very tough spot. I had one like that. I finally did evict him at the age of 20. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life. How is he now? Oh, he's fine now. (He's 44 years old and has teenage kids... ;D ;D ;D We have a good relationship. He's told me more than once that I did the right thing, but should have done it sooner. Honestly, I could not - I was in counselling at the time getting help dealing with him and the counsellor was wise enough not to tell me to kick him out. Rather he encouraged me to focus on my own life and eventually I got to the point of being able to do it) The difference was that although he was dealing with depression, he was not disabled in any way. So there's no real comparison to gpg's situation.
|
|
beags
Well-Known Member
I'm not a psychopath. I'm a high functioning sociopath, do your research.
Joined: Nov 29, 2012 22:24:40 GMT -5
Posts: 1,035
|
Post by beags on Jul 24, 2012 12:25:45 GMT -5
I think there's a huge difference in failure to launch and supporting your child in a tough spot.
Failure to launch implies that the child is not trying . . not going to college, not getting a job, etc. In other words the child is happy to live under the parent's roof being fully supported by them.
Helping someone in a tough spot . . . that would be letting the child live there while they attend college while having a job, child gets divorce and needs a helping hand, child is between jobs due to downsizing or needing more college to find one, stuff like that.
In the later the child is still working towards independant living . . . in the first, the child is just being a mooch and not working towards anything.
|
|
emma1420
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 28, 2011 15:35:45 GMT -5
Posts: 2,430
|
Post by emma1420 on Jul 24, 2012 13:37:22 GMT -5
I think there's a huge difference in failure to launch and supporting your child in a tough spot. Failure to launch implies that the child is not trying . . not going to college, not getting a job, etc. In other words the child is happy to live under the parent's roof being fully supported by them. Helping someone in a tough spot . . . that would be letting the child live there while they attend college while having a job, child gets divorce and needs a helping hand, child is between jobs due to downsizing or needing more college to find one, stuff like that. In the later the child is still working towards independant living . . . in the first, the child is just being a mooch and not working towards anything. I agree, and I also think that the two get confused a lot. I think some parents practice tough love to children who are in tough spot, all because things aren't progressing as quickly as the parent would like. And then there is the other extreme of some parents constantly making excuses for their child who truly is doing jack all. I think your parents home should be a place where as an adult child you can go, but you parents home should also be a place you don't want to go. The last thing I want to do is move back in with my parents, but I am glad that if I had some sort of major life event where I needed to, that the option is open (as my home is to my parents).
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 8, 2024 15:13:30 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2012 13:51:23 GMT -5
My DS complains about being treated like a child. I have informed him that while he lives in my house, and I pay all the bills, he is still a child. If he wants to be treated like an adult, then he needs his own home or to be paying his way while living in mine. I am trying everything I can to avoid a co-dependent or enabling situation with DS. I am done with my 24/7 project people in my life. DH was definitely that person for me and I am way done with that crap. What I have been trying to do is to passively convince DS that he wants to work and go out on his own. I do this through providing him NOTHING other than a place to live and the very basics in food, etc... I cook what I want and if he doesn't like it, then he can make himself something else, etc. I don't purchase new video games, etc... and he uses his bday or xmas cash for anything he wants. (Which is part of the problem because he gets a regular infusion of cash twice a year for this and then has the cash he needs to get what he wants. At least he is learning how to budget well? )
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,417
Member is Online
|
Post by thyme4change on Jul 24, 2012 14:01:07 GMT -5
I plan on being such a pain in the ass that my kids would rather be homeless than live with me.
My parents house was large and a split floor plan, same with my sister's house. I went home after college to look for a job and stayed for a year. I had 2 bedrooms and a bathroom to myself. My Mom cooked dinner every night, and it was all free. I was working - but it was easy. Both of my sister's girls moved home after college. One had odd goals that were out there just far enough that getting another job made no sense - she was part of a mission group that was leaving in 2 months, etc. The other works at Starbucks and has no plan B after not getting into grad school. They are both decent kids who will find their way. But, same deal - split floor plan - private bedroom/bathroom situation, and a full fridge. My house, on the other hand, is small and the bedrooms are all right together down a narrow hallway. I will be in their faces all the time, without any effort. This is why I think moving away to college is so important. Once you get that taste of freedom, living inches from your mother's sagging breast and menopause driven furies just loses all appeal.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,335
|
Post by swamp on Jul 24, 2012 14:03:13 GMT -5
Yeah, but how do I get away from those qualities in me?
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,417
Member is Online
|
Post by thyme4change on Jul 24, 2012 14:05:56 GMT -5
Just go with them swamp. Turn the positives into a negative. Embrace the sag.
|
|
|
Post by babble on Jul 24, 2012 14:15:14 GMT -5
re: helping your child through a tough spot - How long do you give them?
one year? two years? is there a limit?
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,417
Member is Online
|
Post by thyme4change on Jul 24, 2012 14:26:33 GMT -5
Of course there is a limit, but it is likely situation dependent. A bad car accident where it will take someone a year to learn to walk again - maybe they need more time then the guy who got a divorce and laid off in the same month and needs to find a job before he can sign an apartment lease.
|
|
Knee Deep in Water Chloe
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 21:04:44 GMT -5
Posts: 13,828
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1980e6
|
Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jul 24, 2012 14:56:43 GMT -5
My sister is a delayed failure to launch. She dropped out of high school and moved out before she turned 17. She was gone--though still in contact with my parents--until she was 23. She came home then because she was pregnant. Now, this sounds like a "soft place to land" story. However: my parents bought her a house, so she and her boyfriend (not the baby daddy) can live there rent free but not have to actually live with them. My mother also pays day care. It is my limited understanding that my sister pays the electric bill, but nothing else. The baby will turn five in three weeks. Our plan, for my DH's son fell under the four Es. We've had the rollercoaster of going through every.single.E. DS graduated from high school and Enrolled in CC. He dropped out. We gave him three months to either find Employment or Enlist. He did neither--it would have interrupted his gaming time. DH took him to the recruiter and Enlisted him. Six months later, he went to BC. Nine months later, he got sent home--while it says medical discharge, we believe the real reason was laziness. We let him stay home for six months. He was required to turn in job applications daily. DH finally just hired him. We charged him 10% of his net paycheck. Then, we gave him six months to also Enroll in the CC. He refused. He moved out on the day that term was supposed to start. He lives a half mile down the road and eats all of his meals here, for which we charge him $50 per month. I don't know what the answer is for time limits, but for this situation, this worked for us.
|
|
The Captain
Junior Associate
Hugs are good...
Joined: Jan 4, 2011 16:21:23 GMT -5
Posts: 8,717
Location: State of confusion
Favorite Drink: Whinnnne
|
Post by The Captain on Jul 24, 2012 18:23:32 GMT -5
WOW Chloe, don't know what I'd do but it sounds like you gave it your all..
|
|
Cookies Galore
Senior Associate
I don't need no instructions to know how to rock
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 18:08:13 GMT -5
Posts: 10,741
|
Post by Cookies Galore on Jul 24, 2012 18:54:29 GMT -5
My brother is a straight-up loser and my Mom is an enabler. She doesn't make enough to enable, but she somehow does it. I mean, being on the verge on 60 and not having a dime saved is prudent, right? My brother failed out of college (should have partied in HS like I did and gotten it out of his system before college) years ago (seven?) and barely works. I think right now he's doing a couple of nights a week as a bar back/doorman, living the dream man! He only makes $35/shift, so he has nothing to give my Mom, but he sure does manage to mooch off his friends and go to jajm band concerts. Yes, my brother is a damn hippie. Except, he's an angry hippie, so it's weird. Oh, and since he's an angry dirty hippie working two nights a week in a bar, obviously he defaulted on his student loans and the credit cards he took out in college. Good thing he's paid in cash! amiright?! He was in a car accident a few years (hit a deer, rolled, Mom's car was totaled) and granted, he was hurt, but since he's so lazy and has just been sitting on his ass all day, obviously he's still experiencing back and hip pain. He used to work in my uncle's bakery at the time of the accident. He was on his way into work (so, 5:30-6 in the morning) and he was coming down the mountain of the town he and my Mom live in, when -blammo- deer in the road. He hit it and flipped my Mom's Escape. Obviously, we're all happy he's still here, but... He was not covered by Mom's insurance because he was still ineligible to go on her insurance because of a DUI a couple of years prior (or something like that). So, since he was driving my Mom's car when he kinda sorta shouldn't have been, Mom got squat from the insurance company. My sister's father-in-law lent my Mom $5,000 to buy a new car and Mom is the one paying back the loan. Oh, brother is 29. I am so glad I take after my Dad.
|
|