Failure to launch...

[The Captain]

The parents thread got me thinking about this...

I know of at least three couples with adult children who have failed to launch so far. Of the three, one kid dropped out of HS and is working part time at jiffy lube. The other two recently graduated from HS but have no jobs or plans to go to college. One of those isn't even looking for a job "because there aren't any out there "

I don't think I'd EVER allow DD to get away with that, my motto is the four E's (Enrolled, Employed, Enlisted or Evicted) and she already knows that at the tender age of 9. However with this economy I know it's hard...

So under what circumstances would you allow your adult child to live at home without a job/plan?

[moxie]

"Failure to launch"


The title of this thread intrigued me...I thought for sure it would have something to do with MuscleUp's sex life. ;D

[The Captain]

;D

[The Captain]

Not what I meant Moxie!

However,

[moxie]

My son lives at our home in another state because it is close to his job...we are holding onto the house until the market bounces back and we can sell it, so we have him as a house sitter too. He has been saving for grad school down south (leaves in three weeks) and he is getting a much better deal on rent than he would elsewhere. He works well over 40 hours/wk. It's a win-win situation. Temporary.

[moxie]

"four E's (Enrolled, Employed, Enlisted or Evicted)"


^I really like that!

[happyhoix]

DS launched successfully this spring, graduated from college into a good paying engineering job.

Growing up we told him he either had to have a full time job or be in school if he wanted to live with us post High school. I would certainly let him return if he had a sudden job loss or a medical crisis that prevented him from being able to work.

Our neighbor, on the other hand, has a son the same age as our DS, and the kid has jumped from job to job, from training class to training class in the five years since high school. His primary occupations seems to be getting tatoos, playing video games and smoking pot. He has told me before that it wasn't worth his time to work at a lower paying job. And really he has no motivation to get up off the couch - his parents pay all his living expenses, plus his car payment and cell phone bill.

He may still be on their couch when he hits 30.

[Deleted]

Well, sometimes it is easy to sit back and say "we wouldn't allow" that situation to happen. We don't always have as much control over our kids and their choices as we think we do. But, i will do everything i can to help my kids. That may mean tough love. I may need to physically lock them out of the house if necessary to propel them to get on their feet. Or, it may mean allowing them to live at home for a period of time to save money. It will really depend on the situation and direction i think they are heading.

[zibazinski]

True enough. DD will probably stay with us during her leaves unless she travels to neat places which is what I would advise. But a kid needs a permanent place to call home, even a military kid. So she has some of her stuff here and a bedroom set that I call "her room" even though it is really the guest room. But on a permanent basis, no, she would not be allowed to stay here, even if she were working.

[Phoenix84]

"So under what circumstances would you allow your adult child to live at home without a job/plan?"

Job loss, medical condition, divorce, abusive relationship, needing to find first job to name a few. Of course I'd try to work with them to try and find a more permanent solution to get them back on their feet.

Parents have an obligation to help their kids out. Exactly how dependsw on the individual situation.

[Deleted]

My sis moved home a couple of times for some periods of time due to job changes or failed marriage. She always went right back to work and then they helped get back on her feet. It didn't hurt her in the long run and she did fine. When i left for college at 17, i have never returned home. So, i would say i successfully launched.
I do not think i would charge my kids rent though. Maybe if i thought they were there for the long term but otherwise, i don't think i would unless i really needed the money.

[Deleted]

Jul 24, 2012 7:48:37 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

"So under what circumstances would you allow your adult child to live at home without a job/plan?"

Job loss, medical condition, divorce, abusive relationship to name a few. Of course I'd try to work with them to try and find a more permanent solution to get them back on their feet.

pretty much. I can't control what my adult kids will do, but I can control how I react to it. DH's half sister, her DH, and their 3 kids live with his mother and her life partner in her life partner's aunt's house. Yes, you read that right. SIL is in her late 30s, her DH is a lazy douchewagon and can't seem to hold down a job, and they "can't afford a place of their own". They've been living in this arrangement for about 5 years. Meanwhile DH and I purchased a home this spring.

[Wisconsin Beth]

My younger brother is partially launched. He's 31, has his AA, recently switched from a contract job in IT to one with benefits. Has his own car, savings, etc. But he still lives at home.

He, Mom and Dad have obviously worked out some kind of arrangement because they're all usually all ok with this. There's the occasional flareup of tensions and tempers. If DB leaves, Mom and Dad are empty nesters. Mom doesn't really want that. And Dad had a stroke and some heart issues the last 3 years, in a lot of ways, it's a relief to know that someone else is living there and can/has taken over the yardwork as needed. Plus they have a built in housesitter when they want to go away.

For the most part, I stay out of my DB, Mom and Dad's business. I will listen and offer advise/sympathy as needed to any of them. And I see them at least 1 day a week and sometimes more. As a family, we're pretty tight. There's 3 other siblings and a total of 10 grandkids.

[Deleted]

I personally think home should be a soft place to fall. The one place you can return to when the rest of the world doesn't want you or you have no where else to go. Again, there are times you have to literally evict your kid to help them in the long run to get on their feet. I get that and would do likewise. But, i would have to look at the situation and then decide the approach.

[midjd]

DH and I were technically failures to launch - we lived with ILs for about 5 months 3 years ago. It was either that or homelessness... we were moving 700 miles, neither of us had a job lined up, and about $1K to our names. So we moved into the camper in DH's parents' driveway. Classy living.

MIL also loaned us $2K to buy a beater to get to work. (Good thing she wasn't a YM poster at the time )

3 years later and we're both employed at good jobs and have been homeowners for 1.5 years. So it's not necessarily hopeless if someone doesn't leave home forever at 18.

How is "failure to launch" defined, anyway? Is it anyone who returns home after age 18? Or just the ones with no prospects?

[Taxman10]

Jul 24, 2012 7:54:25 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

Jul 24, 2012 7:48:37 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

"So under what circumstances would you allow your adult child to live at home without a job/plan?"

Job loss, medical condition, divorce, abusive relationship to name a few. Of course I'd try to work with them to try and find a more permanent solution to get them back on their feet.

pretty much. I can't control what my adult kids will do, but I can control how I react to it. DH's half sister, her DH, and their 3 kids live with his mother and her life partner in her life partner's aunt's house. Yes, you read that right. SIL is in her late 30s, her DH is a lazy douchewagon and can't seem to hold down a job, and they "can't afford a place of their own". They've been living in this arrangement for about 5 years. Meanwhile DH and I purchased a home this spring.

LMAO! now that is awesome!!

SIL & DH --> live with DH's mom & partner --> in partner's aunt's house!!

[Taxman10]

Jul 24, 2012 8:33:47 GMT -5 midjd said:

DH and I were technically failures to launch - we lived with ILs for about 5 months 3 years ago. It was either that or homelessness... we were moving 700 miles, neither of us had a job lined up, and about $1K to our names. So we moved into the camper in DH's parents' driveway. Classy living.

MIL also loaned us $2K to buy a beater to get to work. (Good thing she wasn't a YM poster at the time )

3 years later and we're both employed at good jobs and have been homeowners for 1.5 years. So it's not necessarily hopeless if someone doesn't leave home forever at 18.

How is "failure to launch" defined, anyway? Is it anyone who returns home after age 18? Or just the ones with no prospects?

You never saw the movie??

First you have to look like Matthew MacConahy (sp?), and you have a lot of sex with beautiful woman.

[midjd]

I thought he had sex with Sarah Jessica Parker...

*oh snap*

[Deleted]

Maybe Taxman meant "pretty-ish women".

[andi9899]

So under what circumstances would you allow your adult child to live at home without a job/plan?

None. If they were really trying and just couldn't catcha break, that's one thing. But living under my roof and sleeping or watching tv all day is not going to fly!

[Taxman10]

Jul 24, 2012 8:46:43 GMT -5 midjd said:

I thought he had sex with Sarah Jessica Parker...

*oh snap*

no, no - the first part of the movie!!

he ends up with SJP, but he's banging hotties before she shows up.

[swasat]

Jul 24, 2012 7:48:37 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Job loss, medical condition, divorce, abusive relationship, needing to find first job to name a few. Of course I'd try to work with them to try and find a more permanent solution to get them back on their feet.

This. Very much this for me.

And I love this: four E's (Enrolled, Employed, Enlisted or Evicted) ;D I plan to use this on my kids as they grow older.

[Deleted]

My parents lived with my Dad's parents part of the first year of their marriage. Dad was in a co-op program in Engineering, studying for one quarter at the U. of Cincinnati, then working at a co-op job in their hometown 5 hours away. Mom said it was awful- not because of any faults of my grandparents, but just because it was rough with 4 adults in one house.

I agree that home should be a soft place to land when you have no other alternatives and that it should be temporary while you get your act together. It's also a tough decision in a HCOL area. A friend in Bergen County, NJ still has her two sons, in their mid-20s, living with them. When I sold my 3 BR 1950s Cape Cod house in that town in 2003 it went for $550K. How can anyone start out there? And nearby towns aren't much cheaper unless you look at dangerous neighborhoods or houses built near toxic waste dumps. Even if they could save up a 20% down payment they'd have to qualify for a huge mortgage and pay substantial property taxes.

I think I'd tell them to get out of town. DS, raised in the same town, now owns his own place in Des Moines.

[Deleted]

I have 2 brothers that I call failure at life in general...even though only 1 still lives with my parents. He is 28 has 4 kids by 2 different "women". Can't hold down a job and has been in rehab at least 3 times. My other brother is 38 and even though he did move out at 25 he is constantly at my parents house whining to them that he can't pay his bills and so they catch up his bills until the next month when he comes home whining again. Oh and he has filed bankruptcy 2 times....

Now for the OP. My kids know the 4 E's as well. They know that they can live with us if they are enrolled in school and working. They can enlist in the military and call our house home...or they get evicted. I refuse to have grown ass children living in my basement until they are 30 because they are too lazy to get out of my house.

I would also allow them to come home if they were escaping an abusive relationship or something like that.

[lynnerself]

My DS is slow to launch, let's not call him a failure yet.
He graduated with a BS in aeronautical engineering in 2008. Bad economic timing. And lived at home, minimally employed for 3 years.
In retrospect, I should have been tougher about kicking him out, but there was always something in the pipeline. A temporary job, 2years off and on trying to get into the airforce, waiting to hear about a job, etc.
I found out I wasn't near as tough as I always said I would be.
Now he is back at graduate school and has been told in no uncertain terms he isn't coming home again.
Just crossing my fingers that he gets a good job, I know he'll be a great employee given a chance, and finally gets on with his life.

[swamp]

I lived at home after law school while I was working as an ADA. I'm a failure.

[Gardening Grandma]

I don't think of a kid in school (or, having graduated, and actively job hunting) as a "failure to launch". My idea of a "FTL" is a kid without direction, without goals, who is not actively pursuing a goal (whether it's an education, a better job, or whatever). The kid playing video games in the basement... THAT's a FIT.

Although I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, the main character was simply mooching off mom and dad.

[Deleted]

I have one....

I am still not sure what you are supposed to do with a "child" who can't be around other people and has no work skills...

Mine needs mental health counciling (at the least) but refuses to go. Once they are 18, there is nothing you can do about it.

I have heard the cries to "kick him to the curb" but I think in our situation that would likely end badly.

I honestly have no earthly idea what to do about the situation. I am hopeful that a lack of anything in his life other than the very, very basics of food and water will get him to self-motivate. And, I do have to admit that it seems to be working.

[Gardening Grandma]

Jul 24, 2012 10:52:20 GMT -5 @goldpanninggirl said:

I have one....

I am still not sure what you are supposed to do with a "child" who can't be around other people and has no work skills...

Mine needs mental health counciling (at the least) but refuses to go. Once they are 18, there is nothing you can do about it.

I have heard the cries to "kick him to the curb" but I think in our situation that would likely end badly.

I honestly have no earthly idea what to do about the situation. I am hopeful that a lack of anything in his life other than the very, very basics of food and water will get him to self-motivate. And, I do have to admit that it seems to be working.

That is a very, very tough spot. I had one like that. I finally did evict him at the age of 20. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

[swamp]

Jul 24, 2012 10:54:40 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

Jul 24, 2012 10:52:20 GMT -5 @goldpanninggirl said:

I have one....

I am still not sure what you are supposed to do with a "child" who can't be around other people and has no work skills...

Mine needs mental health counciling (at the least) but refuses to go. Once they are 18, there is nothing you can do about it.

I have heard the cries to "kick him to the curb" but I think in our situation that would likely end badly.

I honestly have no earthly idea what to do about the situation. I am hopeful that a lack of anything in his life other than the very, very basics of food and water will get him to self-motivate. And, I do have to admit that it seems to be working.

That is a very, very tough spot. I had one like that. I finally did evict him at the age of 20. Hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

How is he now?