Control Freak with Money and how it

[Peace Of Mind]

blocks intimacy. I came across this article and thought about some people here who've had issues with their significant other and wondered if this was part of their problem.

Are you a control freak about money? If so - in what way?

I am when it comes to paying the bills, savings, and our retirement. But DH is on board now. At first he didn't get it. Now he is so thankful that I've stayed the course and it takes a lot of stress off him knowing we are in great shape. We are not on a budget per se and have not been for years because we don't "need" to be. I'd love to hear your situation and where you are with your relationship(s) at this stage of your life. When we were still in our 20's there were many arguments. In our 30's we "got it" and it all worked out by us making certain decisions about debt along with increasing our pay and savings. It just got easier and easier as we've gotten older and we never fight about money now. Any way - I hope you enjoy the article. I'll post it two ways and hope one will work.

www.forbes.com/sites/moneywisewomen/2012/06/11/how-being-a-control-freak-blocks-intimacy-money/

www.forbes.com/sites/moneywisewomen/2012/06/11/how-being-a-control-freak-blocks-intimacy-money/

Here is part of the article:

I realized I had created a world for myself where I had control, but no meaningful connections. No true collaboration or support. People were around because of what I could do for them, and not because of my intrinsic, lovable self. That sucked. So I changed.

My entire network fell away. Once I ceased my money manipulation, the only people who stuck around were the ones who cared about me regardless of whether or not I paid. I became a lot more critical about how money interacted in all of my relationships, and a lot more conscious of how money came into play in the relationships around me.

I realized that security is an illusion. Everything that I thought went into stable (controllable) relationships was a lie—in reality, I was the only thing that could make or break my feeling of love, stability and security—not even my partner had that power. And once I realized I was in control, I quit trying to get more of it.

Nowadays, I can see in others how they allow money to fuel their illusions—about themselves, relationships and business. For example:...

[Deleted]

I don't know if I am a "control freak" about money, but I do like to be in control of my own money. That's why I really won't merge finances. We aren't a young couple starting out, trying to build wealth. And we are at two different stages. He is retired; I am still working and trying to save for retirement.

However, I don't think we lack intimacy because we don't share a checkbook. (Actually, we do, but it's a house maintenance account only.) It

[Malarky]

I am the keeper of the finances because it drives me mad not to be. DH is ok with that.

Lately I've been mad busy with work and volunteer projects as well as doing a refi to free up some money. Don't spread it around on YM-but I'm setting up the bank of Mom and Dad because student loans scare the crap out of me and I have high school aged kids...

Anywhooo...DH asked me this morning about what has my knickers in a twist. I have a stack of unpaid bills (not overdue, just not paid the day they come in) and it irks the shit out of me.
I won't be comfortable in my own skin until Monday afternoon-I have no scheduled responsibilities Monday morning-when I catch up, pay the bills and file the paperwork.

But then again...I'm pretty much a control freak in all ways. Luckily, I found my niche where I'm appreciated.

[Plain Old Petunia]

My ex-husband complained that I controlled our money, and he really resented it. And he was right, I did. However, I felt I had to. There was no end to his list of wants, and wasting money on stupid things like the mortgage and the electric bill interfered with his wants.

Never again. I like my finances separate.

[quince]

I'm an anxious mess about money- I check my "budget" and cash flow spreadsheet almost daily-, but because we have a bit of surplus, and are more or less on the same page regarding spending, neither of us are control freaks. We each have our own bank accounts that we manage independently, but try to consult on any purchase over $200. If either of us ever needed it, the other would transfer funds to their account, no questions asked, without keeping track. It's a messy mix-up of combined and separate finances.

I worry more than SO, especially as we discuss life changes, but what it boils down to is that as long as we have enough money to cover our needs, save, and have reasonable cash reserves, we can make decisions based on quality of life rather than balance sheet. So neither of us care about needing to make more money, or criticizing spending. We'll see how well this continues as we have our ups and downs, weather times when we -don't- have a surplus of income, etc.

[Deleted]

I'm somewhat of a control freak for everything. I like careful planning, and foreseeing problems. I'm pretty hard on myself if there's screw ups.

I don't stop DF from buying things; it is a rule of mine that if he feels very strongly for or against something, we do it his way even if logic is against it. But I want things to be considered carefully before money is poured out. How much use will it get? In dollars per hour of use, what is the cost? Is there something else he's mentioned he wants instead?

We do the same thing for stuff I want. I lay out my case for an item I've been considering, and he either agrees or we talk about concerns of his. We talk A LOT about finances.

As a funny note though, it does seem like carefully monitoring the pulse of joint finances helps us grow in intimacy. We're very different in personality, but it's our shared dream to grow wealthy together, the way that my parents add to their house endlessly. Monitoring finances closely keeps the dream alive and present in our lives, and keeps us on track. It's like a strategy game we share.

[susanb]

I am not a control freak about money, but I do handle all of the bills and accounts for our home and our business. It would be fine with me if I had a partner that was good at managing money and did these things instead of me.

DH used to and it just didn't work out. He would forget to make a cc payment and then I would have to set up everything that was on auto-pay at our business again (we max it out AND pay it off more than once each month). Or I would set up direct deposits, but he would forget to transfer money to the account and none of them would go through.

DH is very, very good at negotiating, so now he does that. I am detail oriented and organized, so I am handle the bill paying, etc...I usually pay bills once a month though. I can't imagine trying to pay them the day they come in! We have the same values about money and never argue about personal spending. We have argued twice about business spending.

As far as using money to control people like the article talked about....I have a couple of friends that I tend to overpay with when we go out as in I pay for lunches/dinners/outings 70% of the time and they pay 30% of the time. They are genuine friends who offer to pay half of the time, but I know that buying dinner makes a difference in their monthly money and it really doesn't in mine since DH and I don't spend much and have a good income. On the other hand, I have a somewhat wealthy friend who never lets me pay. Once I tried to pay when she went to the bathroom and found out that she had given the hostess her cc before I even arrived. It has impacted our relationship. I don't invite her anywhere anymore because if I invite her to dinner it is basically like saying please buy me dinner. It seems like a big control issue.

[Deleted]

I'll preach it again, because I live it and I believe in it.. A couple that both have good careers and make good money have the greatest chance for success. But even if they don't work out, both have the financial freedom to walk away. In 14 years of marriage, we have never argued over money.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I lack self-value and feel that I need to "bring it" in order to be worth something. That being said, the fact that I do "bring it" also makes me feel justified in condemning those who I do not believe "bring it". Actions are more powerful than words. I do things through action that I believe should merit action in others.

But crap, some of this is just BEING AN ADULT! I totally committed mistakes like "helping" DW with her job search and encouraging her to look more actively. But I was sick and tired of being expected to make up the difference and bankroll the household so as not to decrease lifestyle despite the decrease in income.

So yeah... "whats in it for me" is a BIG driver in how I think. I don't like paying more for less.

These articles always drive me nuts. I read a similar one over the weekend... some drivel essentially about how women who have it all are either superhuman, rich, or self-employed. Basically the author, who had always condemned others for not meeting her standards, experienced being condemned by someone whose standards exceeded the authors. A taste of her own medicine had her throwing away the bottle.

What I hear when I read these articles is essentially someone admitting to hitting his/her breaking point, then trying to rationalize it away by saying that the struggle was in vain in the first place. This big enlightenment that they can't "have it all" is a flimsy veil placed over the truth they can't admit: that the struggle got the best of them.

They are hopelessly naive people... You want to get to the top? Sacrifice is the name of the game. If you want to go to every dance recital and baseball game, then maybe that comes at the price of being a senior partner.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Ugh... I read farther. A quote...

...:::"Control means you judge progress or tasks finished; intimacy means you simply enjoy being with someone, regardless of their progress.":::...

Thats all well and good; but there are consequences from tasks going unfinished. Its easy to say "just let it go" when you aren't the one hurt by someone else's inaction.

...:::"Control means you give something to get something else back; intimacy means you give of yourself when you can, but are also honest about when you have nothing to give.":::...

There is only one man I know who fits the expectation above... his name is "Grandpa". I don't mind giving. I like to give. But I NEED to receive too. Constantly giving while never receiving diminishes the joy of giving, particularly once the gift becomes an expectation and not a treat.

...:::"Control means you are invested in events playing out a certain way and stay anxious about them; intimacy means you detach from outcomes so that you can appreciate what your spouse is experiencing in the present, regardless of what that means for the future.":::...

Oh this is priceless. Hey EoG, you are going about your insurance claim and your DH's helping out family all wrong. You should detach yourself from the fact that your DH lending money to his family drained your EF, and just appreciate that in the present, he is happy he could help out... regardless of what a future with no EF while bills are piling up means

ETA: not a slam against EoG, just an attempt to employ a naively unrealistic ideal to a real situation.

[zibazinski]

DF is finally figuring out that his relationship with his children has been based on money. They take, he gives. It is now time for him to figure out if he wishes to continue that role. They learned it from their mother so what else do they know, really? So I told him spoil the grandchildren and leave nothing to the adults. No birthday no christmas no nothing unless they reciprocate. Not even a bloody card for father's day, those wretches and it hurt his feelings bad.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Thats awful that they didn't at least send a card. I know I'm not the perfect son. I hope my Dad doesn't feel that way about me. We've never had the greatest relationship, but he sure always put me first.

[zibazinski]

Well, one called from the restaurant they already were at and asked him to come to breakfast. Uh, if you had REALLY wanted him to come to breakfast, you would have asked before you got there. The other two called late in the day. No card, no gift, and then his birthday was a few days after that. No calls, no gifts. Assholes. They hurt his feelings bad and they are even more on my dirt list than they were before this.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I think the author lurks here!

[8 Bit WWBG]

Even making the allowance for "generational differences", its hard to understand the motivation behind peoples behavior. In today's over-connected world, people seem very accustomed with skipping the "planning stage" in favor of the "hey man, we're here at the diner, wanna join us?". It drives planners crazy.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I think the author lurks here!":::...

Good. I think the article is bunk!

[trytofindbalance]

Oh boy. According to this article I'm in big trouble .

I am responsible for all of the financial planning/bill paying/budgeting in our household. I'm better at it and DH would prefer that I do it. He basically just hands over most of what he makes on a job and I take it from there. We do discuss budgets and plans, but DH has a very short attention span for such things and isn't overly interested in the subject matter. He had gotten better about participating or at least fakes some interest, but he usually just tells me to do whatever I think is best. He is aware of what is going, just not interested in the details. He will call me and ask me if he can spend x amount or put x on the credit card. We discuss large purchases or home improvement projects. We just had a discussion about retirement savings and DH appears to be onboard.

I guess I'm guilty of pushing DH in a profession way. He's good at what he does, but he's not a real go-getter. I pushed him to go back to school to get his home inspectors license. He wasn't happy about it at first, but now he's really glad he did it. He loves the work. My MIL thanks me every time I see her, because she knows he's a super procrastinator. I also give people his cards in appropriate situations. He doesn't seem to mind. As a matter of fact, the busier he gets, the more motivated he gets to be more proactive about looking for work.

I admit to getting pissed off when he doesn't price jobs properly or when jobs are taking way too long. I know he can easily get distracted with other things and sometimes he needs a swift kick in the ass to get him focused again. Maybe it creates problems in other people's relationships and maybe DH doesn't appreciate my meddling sometimes, but it's give and take and it seems to work for us.

We had the most relationship issues when DH was barely bringing in an income. I was angry and resentful and DH knew it. It wasn't a pretty time for us. Things are much better now and we're both happier.

I guess it probably has to do with a difficult childhood financially speaking and the fact that money equals security and choses to me. It's important for me to be able to pay the bills, live alittle and save for the future. I'm not a fly by the seat of my pants type of girl, I'm a planner, maybe it's an illusion, but it makes me feel better.

[bean29]

My DH is a control freak period. I thought that was what you were saying interferes with intimacy at first.

I am the control freak about $$ but I am a collossal failure with my freespending DH. He is free spending with our $$ except now that I am looking for a car. He actually told me the other day that we should keep both car payments under a certain #. If I subtract his car payment from that number it leaves me less than $8.00/month for a car payment. Sometimes I wonder who DH is talking to.

[8 Bit WWBG]

I suppose if you are a control freak, the safest thing to do is to do your best to structure things so that you aren't dependent on your spouse. I'm so glad I'm the higher earner, and always have been. I'd love it if she could close the gap some more, but I'd hate to be dependent on my spouse for the household to be solvent.

[suesinfl]

Jun 23, 2012 22:22:27 GMT -5 Plain Old Petunia said:

My ex-husband complained that I controlled our money, and he really resented it. And he was right, I did. However, I felt I had to. There was no end to his list of wants, and wasting money on stupid things like the mortgage and the electric bill interfered with his wants.

Never again. I like my finances separate.

Yep, that was me. "There's a balance in the bank account, so I can spend it", "Why can't I have XXX$ for a new car", "I put it on the credit card, so we don't have to pay anything on it for at least a month".......on, and on it went.

When I sat him down with all the bills, what was in the checking account, etc. he couldn't figure out if he should pay the mortgage, electric, or have his fun money.

Just one of the many reasons he is now the EX.

I do like knowing exactly what is due, what is coming in, what is needed to be saved.....so I am a control freak when it comes to money. After having been burnt, and still being burnt, I perfer to know where I stand money wise and not let anyone else be in charge of paying the bills.