midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 22, 2012 13:08:22 GMT -5
I think I phrased the OP badly...
We've had discussions about this before. Some people (anecdotally women) are the nod-understandingly-and-don't-offer-advice types, others (anecdotally men) are the let-me-solve-that-for-ya types, but seems very few are both.
Maybe I should have asked, "Are you a listener or a problem-solver"?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2012 13:12:10 GMT -5
I create problems, vent about them, get someone to fix them, vent that they fixed them wrong, correct the problem myself and pat myself on the back for a job well done. That sounds like ALOT of work.....
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 22, 2012 13:16:50 GMT -5
Although that is better, I still don't see that as an either/or answer. Sometimes my husband needs to vent, and I listen. Sometimes he is looking to make a plan, a decision or really work things out - and then I help with the problem solving. Some friends use me as a sounding board (the desperate ones) the others use me for my sage wisdom (the really desperate ones.)
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jun 22, 2012 13:45:05 GMT -5
I've been known to ask people if they need me to just listen, or if they actually want help solving the issue. My natural inclination is to help problem solve because I like solving problems, but I have some friends who just need someone to listen sympathetically so that they can get the emotional crap out of the way and then go back and attack the problem themselves, rationally. For the most part, I know which friends just need me to listen, but if I'm unsure, after they're done venting, I'll ask if they want my ideas or not. I will tell DH if I just need to vent or if I then want his help solving the problem.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 22, 2012 13:48:54 GMT -5
My husband will say to me often "Is this the part where I listen compassionately, or have we moved on to the part where I'm suppose to make suggestions?" LOL - I love him.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on Jun 22, 2012 13:52:20 GMT -5
I problem solve and the gf vents but most of the time it's the venting where I'm just supposed to smile, nod and agree and I'm still working on perfecting this instead of actually saying or doing anything else. Instead of venting I just bottle it all up until it explodes in a way that I make the local news for the wrong reasons.
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Jun 22, 2012 13:57:46 GMT -5
I used to be a irrepressible problem-solver -- whether people wanted me to solve their problems or not.
It's taken a long, long time and many quagmires and too much stress but I am learning to step back and let others fix their own problems.
That said, I really, really, REALLY have an issue with people who feel the need to vent -- even "over"-vent -- over relatively minor things in the whole scheme of things.
I am a diehard "glass half-full" kind of girl. "Glass half-empty" types mess with my cosmic vibe.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 22, 2012 14:13:24 GMT -5
Maybe I should have asked, "Are you a listener or a problem-solver"? Problem solver. I don't mind just listening if it is a rare issue. But, if you are going to keep telling me on a regular basis about how you are broke, hate your job, worried you're going to jail, etc, then I really want to tell you what to do because I am tired of listening to your easily-solved, self-induced, moronic problems. I've learned that isn't always best though. When my coworkers talk about how it is impossible to put money into a 401k if you have kids, then I just keep my mouth shut.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2012 14:25:33 GMT -5
Solver, Automatically for the DW and I, by request from family members, by request and if I feel like it for everyone else.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 22, 2012 14:35:33 GMT -5
I think I phrased the OP badly... We've had discussions about this before. Some people (anecdotally women) are the nod-understandingly-and-don't-offer-advice types, others (anecdotally men) are the let-me-solve-that-for-ya types, but seems very few are both. Maybe I should have asked, "Are you a listener or a problem-solver"? I can be a good listener if someone just needs to get something off their chest one time but then when I start hearing the same complaint over and over again with no action from the person complaining about it I just get annoyed. From my perspective if you complain about something at least 3 times then either do something about it or shut-up and accept it.
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Anne_in_VA
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Post by Anne_in_VA on Jun 22, 2012 15:14:51 GMT -5
I do both - I need to vent to be able to see the solution to the problem sometimes.
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Regis
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Post by Regis on Jun 22, 2012 15:38:41 GMT -5
Engineer=problem solver ;D
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2012 19:07:45 GMT -5
Problem solver if I know the person. If I don't know the person well, I usually just listen. Sometimes the problem to me is that someone I know keeps venting. If that keeps happening, but they clearly don't want to do anything, I suggest drastic action and phrase it "pulling the ripcord." That usually makes them look unsure and uncomfortable, and they wind down the venting
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 22, 2012 19:28:17 GMT -5
For others - This: I've been known to ask people if they need me to just listen, or if they actually want help solving the issue. My natural inclination is to help problem solve because I like solving problems, but I have some friends who just need someone to listen sympathetically so that they can get the emotional crap out of the way and then go back and attack the problem themselves, rationally. For the most part, I know which friends just need me to listen, but if I'm unsure, after they're done venting, I'll ask if they want my ideas or not. I will tell DH if I just need to vent or if I then want his help solving the problem. I also will try to ask them if they want my opinion before I give it. For me and it's big/important stuff - Both. I first have to yell and scream about what assholes people are and then I take them down. And I don't rest until the problem is solved. I hate loose ends. Small stuff I just vent and then move on.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 22, 2012 21:11:59 GMT -5
Goldenrulegirl, we must be related. I too am a diehard "the glass is 1/2 full". Even if I have to top it off to make 1/2 full, darn it!
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Jun 23, 2012 11:39:35 GMT -5
If I had to choose one I'd say I'm more of a objective problem solver, I'd say I'm 70% problem solver and 30% venter. I generally try to avoid venting much because there's a fine line between venting and complaining, and nobody likes a complainer. That would be me for the most part. It also depends on what it is about or how bad it is. There are a couple guys at work I'll go do a 5 second vent to, but try not to drag it on. They can tell if I'm venting or asking for help with a solution pretty easily because I'll ask for help if I want it (especially from one of the other foremen about how to deal with crappy employees--sadly, the difference is they have a boss that will hold people up to a standard and do what they can to get rid of them if they can't do the job, my boss gives a LOT more "chances" to the worst offenders). I try to let other people vent and don't go into solution mode for them unless they ask or really act like they want ideas (and if I think they want ideas, I always ask if they want my opinion before I give it).
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violagirl
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Post by violagirl on Jun 23, 2012 15:03:22 GMT -5
I am female and definitely a problem-solver. My husband tends to be the venter. Although, he is no slouch in the solver department, I am particularly bad.
Like others here, I can stand someone complaining once, but lose patience rapidly with people who complain and never do anything to fix it.
I am such a problem solver that i have to restrain myself from finishing people's sentences..because trying to figure out what is coming next is like a little puzzle to put together. I try to be aware of when I am doing that and make myself shut up. I realize how annoying it can be.
DH and I have actually had the argument before that every problem can be solved. I say yes. He says no. Can you tell which of us is the optimist and which the pessimist?
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Post by Deleted on Jun 24, 2012 16:34:43 GMT -5
I solve problems. Any I can't solve, I internalize.
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Jun 25, 2012 6:48:40 GMT -5
both One leads to the other. I have to vent my way through to the solution. That's how I deal with issues too. And more often than not, once I get what is irking me off my chest, I can be more rational about whether it is really a problem or just my perception of a situation. Its the same when I start getting depressed. The more I fight it, the worse I get. But if I allow myself a brief pity party (a few hours or a day), I snap out of it much faster and again, am able to determine if there is really an issue or if I'm just over reacting to something that's not really important.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Jun 25, 2012 9:43:40 GMT -5
...:::"We've had discussions about this before. Some people (anecdotally women) are the nod-understandingly-and-don't-offer-advice types, others (anecdotally men) are the let-me-solve-that-for-ya types, but seems very few are both.":::...
For me, it depends on the problem and the players. It also depends on how vested I am in the solution, and/or how likely I think my advice is going to be perceived as helpful, vs. whether it will just be annoying to the recipient.
For a problem that affects me, I'll do my best to solve it (though a lot of anger and tirades come with it). For someone I don't care about, I'm much more inclined to just nod and say "that is SO unfair!".
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Jun 25, 2012 10:44:04 GMT -5
But, if you are going to keep telling me on a regular basis about how you are broke, hate your job, worried you're going to jail, etc, then I really want to tell you what to do because I am tired of listening to your easily-solved, self-induced, moronic problems.FB Angel.
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