twinmama85
Well-Known Member
Have a blessed New Year!
Joined: Dec 28, 2010 9:48:38 GMT -5
Posts: 1,627
Today's Mood: Blessed
Location: Home
Favorite Drink: Wine
|
Post by twinmama85 on Jun 21, 2012 13:37:35 GMT -5
I know 2 guys who left their marriages because they didn't want to deal with the daily responsibilities of children. It's kind of like they reverted back to being teen-agers. They both left their wives & kids, rented 1 bedroom apartments, and sat around every evening drinking beer & watching t.v. or gaming all night. Both of these guys were in their 40's, & neither ever remarried. I always thought they'd regret that decision when they got older (bailing out on wife & kids). I guess some men never grow up.... Responsibility weighs heavy on younger men We feel like the world is sitting on our shoulders at times He needs to see that he has a partner in life...for the good and the bad...the ups and the downs But as someone above said...some guys just cant deal with it all. They want to revert back to the "good ole days" and just being a guy taking care of himself...beholden to nothing else....sitting around in their underwear drinking beer and not giving a crap about anything else I went through this at the 7 year mark in my marraige....had three kids...a mortgage...bills up the wazoo....and it seems like my wife never paid me any attention What i realized was that it was me...not her...that was the problem. He hopefully has a mentor or someone he respects around.....hopefully they will give him the "talk" a chief gave me If i can change and realize it...there is hope..... Keep your head up....and remember to breathe You nailed it and that's what he told me, that it is mostly him, not me. I am going to go see a Chaplain today to help me sort this out and I have a good friend who is not passing judgement on him. He is willing to go see a Chaplain with me so that is a great start. He used to be anti-therapy, he thought if you can't fix it yourself, how is anybody else going to. But I requested that he go with me to talk to someone who is a neutral party and he said that it was a actually a good idea. I know I will be okay if he decides to leave, but that pain is always going to be in my heart if he does go.
|
|
Jaguar
Administrator
Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
Joined: Dec 20, 2011 6:07:45 GMT -5
Posts: 50,108
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IZlZ65.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Text Color: 290066
|
Post by Jaguar on Jun 21, 2012 13:59:43 GMT -5
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 21, 2012 14:09:12 GMT -5
He needs to see that he has a partner in life...for the good and the bad...the ups and the downs Karma for that. You reminded me of DH last Dec. when I told him I had his back and if he had to quit his job, we'd make it work somehow. He knows I'm his partner but he doesn't always remember that.
|
|
kittensaver
Junior Associate
We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
Joined: Nov 22, 2011 16:16:36 GMT -5
Posts: 7,983
|
Post by kittensaver on Jun 21, 2012 14:44:33 GMT -5
"It's not you, it's me" is one of the oldest (and crapiest) excuses in the book. It may be a cheap "out" in the dating world, but it's inexcusable in a marriage when there are spoken commitments (marriage vows), financial entanglements and children involved. If he's really unhappy he needs to get honest with you and with himself about why he's unhappy - and do something about it - not just bail on his family.
Good for you twinmama for seeking professional help/a neutral third party - you both really need it right now. This is where you need to be calm but strong. A big part of fighting for your relationship is to insist on truth and honesty (from both of you, even if it stings in the moment). If he can't be honest with you (hiding his feelings behind "it's just me"), you have basically nothing to build on.
Hopefully you guys can work it out but if you can't, know that you are setting the tone for your future interactions when continuing to raise your children (you're making it known that he needs to be clear and honest with you, and not dance around your mutual concerns and issues).
Good luck and continued hugs to you.
|
|
Opti
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 10:45:38 GMT -5
Posts: 39,762
Location: New Jersey
Mini-Profile Name Color: c28523
Mini-Profile Text Color: 990033
|
Post by Opti on Jun 21, 2012 14:53:19 GMT -5
I hope things work out. You might want to tell him that therapy can be like coaching. You wouldn't expect a major league baseball player to become exceptional all on his own. Coaches help refine and adjust what's already there to make a better player. Likewise, a neutral party can see the situation from a more detached place and help a person or a couple get to a better more satisfying place.
|
|
Clever Username
Well-Known Member
Joined: Jan 27, 2011 14:15:59 GMT -5
Posts: 1,313
|
Post by Clever Username on Jun 21, 2012 15:47:27 GMT -5
As another poster pointed out, a one sided counselor does not help. Then it's just you and your crony ganging up on him, why would he go to that.
A good therapist will help him verbalize what is going on, wants, needs, etc so that you guys can actually provide those things in both of your lives.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 13:15:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2012 16:09:00 GMT -5
I don't know what his issues are but it is 'Grown Up" time on his part. Time to wake up and take care of family and children. Yeah, that isn't always fun. I don't know why people are now under the assumption that their fun and well being should trump everyone else's. I hope his family is holding his feet to the fire as well and encouraging him to stay with his family and fullfill his life obligations instead of walking away.
|
|
reader79
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 30, 2010 8:48:07 GMT -5
Posts: 1,053
|
Post by reader79 on Jun 21, 2012 16:18:26 GMT -5
When he mentioned a separation, was he talking about him moving out of the family home into another apartment? How is/was he planning on financing that - or has he already taken steps to disentangle himself from your shared obligations. I would be concerned that he has been planning this for a while. Check all of your accounts.
|
|
Jaguar
Administrator
Fear does not stop death. It stops life.
Joined: Dec 20, 2011 6:07:45 GMT -5
Posts: 50,108
Mini-Profile Background: {"image":"https://cdn.nickpic.host/images/IZlZ65.jpg","color":""}
Mini-Profile Text Color: 290066
|
Post by Jaguar on Jun 21, 2012 17:12:05 GMT -5
When he mentioned a separation, was he talking about him moving out of the family home into another apartment? How is/was he planning on financing that - or has he already taken steps to disentangle himself from your shared obligations. I would be concerned that he has been planning this for a while. Check all of your accounts.
|
|
thyme4change
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 26, 2010 13:54:08 GMT -5
Posts: 40,427
|
Post by thyme4change on Jun 21, 2012 17:12:24 GMT -5
I volunteer to go around and nag a bunch of guys, and then not sleep with them.
|
|
swamp
Community Leader
Don't be a fool. Call me!
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 16:03:22 GMT -5
Posts: 45,344
|
Post by swamp on Jun 21, 2012 17:52:21 GMT -5
I volunteer to go around and nag a bunch of guys, and then not sleep with them. Wanna go in on a partnership?
|
|
sealy
Familiar Member
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 2:49:52 GMT -5
Posts: 956
|
Post by sealy on Jun 21, 2012 18:05:10 GMT -5
Twinmama I'm so sorry you are going through this. I pray that everything works out for you. I agree with all the posters who said fight for your marriage. That way no matter what you will know that you did everything you could to make your marriage work.
Karma to you for being brave to discuss this with us.
To the poster who called Twin "naive": She came to us for positive advice not negative words that will cause her to feel worse. Please think about how your words affect others.
|
|
mizbear
Senior Member
Stand back. I have a budget, and I know how to use it.
Joined: Jan 2, 2011 13:12:46 GMT -5
Posts: 3,958
|
Post by mizbear on Jun 21, 2012 19:43:00 GMT -5
HUGS. I don't have any words of wisdom for you. But I will listen all you need.
|
|
twinmama85
Well-Known Member
Have a blessed New Year!
Joined: Dec 28, 2010 9:48:38 GMT -5
Posts: 1,627
Today's Mood: Blessed
Location: Home
Favorite Drink: Wine
|
Post by twinmama85 on Jun 21, 2012 21:17:24 GMT -5
I volunteer to go around and nag a bunch of guys, and then not sleep with them. Wanna go in on a partnership? Thanks for that laugh on that one, I needed that. He and my boys went to Bakersfield, CA to see his family and when I stepped in the door, I realized how much I really miss my sons. As far as DH goes, I think he is going to stay in this house for now. He slept in the other room last night. Our bank accts are fine as we speak, if he tries anything, he knows I will nail him for it. We came to a mutual understanding that if this doesn't work, we aren't going to go after each other like that. We will have joint custody and I asked that when he gets himself up on his feet, that he would provide half of the support for the boys. I told him that if we were to divorce, I would make sure that that would be in the divorce degree. I do not want his money, I don't need it, I jsut want to make sure that he helps with our sons by helping with day care and then helping pay for their college. We will see though, there isn't any hatred or any kind of negativity like that, just confusion.
|
|
twinmama85
Well-Known Member
Have a blessed New Year!
Joined: Dec 28, 2010 9:48:38 GMT -5
Posts: 1,627
Today's Mood: Blessed
Location: Home
Favorite Drink: Wine
|
Post by twinmama85 on Jun 21, 2012 21:19:05 GMT -5
I just want to thank everyone for their kind words, wisdom, and insight. I really appreciate it. I haven't told anybody but you guys and my one friend. I haven't talked to my mom about it either, I just can't make myself do it right now until we really figure out whats going on.
|
|
taz157
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 20:50:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,833
|
Post by taz157 on Jun 21, 2012 21:41:20 GMT -5
We're here for you, Twin.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 13:15:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2012 21:46:50 GMT -5
Good for you for realizing that he needs to help financially with the boys. So many moms say "I can do it all myself". They manage, but as in any split, the other parent should be helping too. Even if you decide you don't need his financial support anymore, he owes it to his boys, and he should provide it. I am in total awe of your strength, Twinmama. I remember that gorgeous photo of you flying through the sky. You will get through this. It will be more or less hard, more or less painful, we don't have a crystal ball. But you, and your beautiful boys, will get through this. You will all come out on top on the other side. Even if it takes a little while. ETA: We saw a film recently. It is called the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. It's about a bunch of retirees from England who move to a luxury hotel in India because it's more affordable for them to retire in India than in England. Except that once they get there, they realize the hotel is totally falling apart, and not at all what they expected. Twinmama, I know that seeing that film is the LEAST of your concerns right now, and I'm not suggesting you do. But there was one line that everybody I know who has seen the film keeps quoting (including my DH lol). It was said by the manager of that falling-apart hotel. He said, "It all turns out all right in the end. And if it's not yet all right, that means it's not the end." That's exactly how I feel about you and your beautiful boys. It will all be all right in the end. Have faith. And in the meantime, just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
|
|
twinmama85
Well-Known Member
Have a blessed New Year!
Joined: Dec 28, 2010 9:48:38 GMT -5
Posts: 1,627
Today's Mood: Blessed
Location: Home
Favorite Drink: Wine
|
Post by twinmama85 on Jun 21, 2012 22:00:55 GMT -5
Thanks debthaven for your nice words...
As far as the hubby goes... I don't know, he acted a bit differently today, in a good way, maybe this is an extreme, drama cased cry for attention, I don't know... even if he does decide to stay with me and stay true to his, For better or for worse, til death do us part" vows, I am still going to makes sure we go get help. We need to nip this in the bud so that we never go through this awful thing again..if he decides to leave, well, thank God I am smart with money and I know the resources the military will give me, because I won't struggle, I won't need any gov't aid and I will make sure that my boys will be well taken care of, even if I have to stay in the Air Force for 20 years.
|
|
twinmama85
Well-Known Member
Have a blessed New Year!
Joined: Dec 28, 2010 9:48:38 GMT -5
Posts: 1,627
Today's Mood: Blessed
Location: Home
Favorite Drink: Wine
|
Post by twinmama85 on Jun 21, 2012 22:02:08 GMT -5
Wanna hear something kinda weird... 2 weekends ago I went to Panda Express for lunch and in my fortune cookie my fortune, or misfortune said to prepare for change in my personal life...how freaky is that?!
|
|
NastyWoman
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:50:37 GMT -5
Posts: 14,406
|
Post by NastyWoman on Jun 21, 2012 22:44:09 GMT -5
Mama Many years ago I went through something like this and it ended in divorce. However, I want to share with you the one real mistake I made: I didn't take care of myself. I should have seen a counselor and gotten help for me. You will get through this with or without your DH, but please remember that to be the best mom for your boys and the best friend for yourself you need to take care of you and with luck, since you love your DH, you will be his BF too.
|
|
DVM gone riding
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 23:04:13 GMT -5
Posts: 3,383
Favorite Drink: Coffee!!
|
Post by DVM gone riding on Jun 21, 2012 23:37:57 GMT -5
Oh my Gosh I am so sorry--what is it with men!!!!!!!!!! I hope maybe he needs some space and counseling will help. I wish I could give you a real hug! Take care of yourself
|
|
meli_beach
Initiate Member
Joined: Mar 21, 2011 21:37:17 GMT -5
Posts: 82
|
Post by meli_beach on Jun 22, 2012 7:23:38 GMT -5
Twinmama: if the chaplain doesn't work out as far as counseling, you can always go thru Military One Source for confidential counseling if you don't want to go thru the base for counseling. Military One Source doesn't report at all, unless there is imminent danger, so there would be no records at all at the base level. I know many military are worried about that, my DH was Active for 24 yrs, and many of his troops were more comfortable going thru One Source than the base. Just an FYI.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 22, 2012 8:08:22 GMT -5
Twinmama: if the chaplain doesn't work out as far as counseling, you can always go thru Military One Source for confidential counseling if you don't want to go thru the base for counseling. Military One Source doesn't report at all, unless there is imminent danger, so there would be no records at all at the base level. I know many military are worried about that, my DH was Active for 24 yrs, and many of his troops were more comfortable going thru One Source than the base. Just an FYI. I second Military One Source, even though I'm not military. I asked Home 6 for sources for you and that's what she came up with, along with the chaplain. If you want to PM her, she's more than happy to help out. I think she keeps ending up running the spouse support stuff for her husband's unit. Twin, we're here for you. We'll support as much as we can. And I know there's a few people on the boards that are military or ex-military, if it would help to talk with them.
|
|
twinmama85
Well-Known Member
Have a blessed New Year!
Joined: Dec 28, 2010 9:48:38 GMT -5
Posts: 1,627
Today's Mood: Blessed
Location: Home
Favorite Drink: Wine
|
Post by twinmama85 on Jun 22, 2012 8:47:56 GMT -5
Thanks everyone, I thought about the one source, I am gonna see if I can do a live chat at least today. He is making things so confusing for me, one minute I think its the end, the next, he is acting like this is just an impasse and we are going to start over, and then this morning, he tells me its easier to leave than it is to stay in a marriage with no love...I told him that he wasn't taking his marriage vows seriously then and that just made him upset. But I can't help it, I have to be the one that is doing everything here. I have to sacrifice how I feel and what I am going through to make sure he is comfortable, but I feel like no one is looking out for me. All the emotions have been coming in in waves. First, I am crying and feeling like a part of me is dying inside. After a while, I am OK. I hate emotions and I don't want to look at another male ever again after this. This is the second time that I have laid my entire mind, heart and soul on a platter, just it have smashed and thrown back at my face.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 13:15:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2012 8:50:44 GMT -5
I am so sorry twinmamma.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 13:15:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2012 9:02:03 GMT -5
Personally, twin, i would not make this decision too easy for him. If he wants OUT, tell him to GET OUT. Tell him to pack his sorry arse up and get the Hell out Now. He is making you play by HIS rules. He gets to come and go as he pleases in the comfort of his home, wife , and kids while shirking his responsibilities as a husband and weenie whining around. I am not telling you to become contentious but telling you not to let him USE you in the way that is easiest for HIM! I would force his hand NOW. And, then maybe he would really see the value of what he is losing. By letting him stay, get on his feet, etc you are only enabling him to do exactly as he pleases with no thought toward you and the kids.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,320
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 22, 2012 9:14:15 GMT -5
I think its the end, the next, he is acting like this is just an impasse and we are going to start over, and then this morning, he tells me its easier to leave than it is to stay in a marriage with no love...
I don't know if this is smart or not but I'd call his bluff. If he says 'it's easier to leave than it is to stay" I would point to the door and say "Goodbye then".
I wouldn't be bending over backwards to try to make things easy for him or make him comfortable. HE is the one making things uncomfortable!
I can understand that it is hard to make the final decision but I don't think it is fair to you for him to constantly flip flop out loud like that.
If you don't want to call his bluff I would tell him that if he wants to try to work on the marriage he needs to knock it the fuck off with the leaving comments for now. Wait till you get into counseling and together with help you can come to a decision.
If he doesn't want to work on it then he needs to let you know that as well so you can start planning for yourself and the kids.
No more daily rollercosters or yo-yoing. That is not to anyone has to make a final decision right now, but that the endless out loud musings need to stop.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 13:15:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2012 9:19:31 GMT -5
Well said Drama. I think far too often, the spouse who wants to hold the marriage together gets played to enable the other to take their good old time to walk out the door. If he wants to walk, then walk. But, she doesn't have to polish his shows, cook him a meal, and wash his undies in the process. If he can't man up and take care of his children, then he should get the freak out and she should sue him for every dime her kids are entitled to get. Nobody wants a divorce to be ugly, but this simply sounds like a case of a guy who realizes his playtime is over, and "poor me".
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 22, 2012 9:19:58 GMT -5
I'm so sorry Twin. I know how much it hurts to have your heart handed back to you, in itty bitty pieces. I read Carolyn Hax's column daily. One of the things I've learned is that you really cannot start over with your spouse. You can move on, where you grow closer or you can move apart but you don't get a chance to wipe the slate clean and start over. You have history and it needs to be addressed. Make the appt. with the chaplain. If he won't go with you, go for yourself. I'm on happy meds and in therapy. It's one of the best things I've done for ME. It's helped with DH some but mainly it gave me a safe place to vent and talk. And validation for me. I also got advice on coping, which I needed. A few assignments/homework/things to work on too.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 15, 2024 13:15:11 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jun 22, 2012 9:21:50 GMT -5
Yes, absolutely take care of yourself. Your kids need a mom who is in the best health possible.
|
|