Tired Tess
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I'm so ready to wrap it up.
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Post by Tired Tess on Jun 20, 2012 19:06:23 GMT -5
I am so very sorry you are going through this . If you can't go out, can you stay in? Put the babies to bed and have an evening date at home. Dinner, drinks, desert, and music you both like. Tell him what night you picked so he'll be ready to talk.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2012 19:26:43 GMT -5
Take a good look around for a friendly, good looking woman that is making him feel the love. I'm not saying he's having an affair but I'd bet he thinks there is something out there more exciting, not realising that in 6 years he would be feeling the same way with the new one.
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Jun 20, 2012 20:28:06 GMT -5
My DD and her husband often leave the kids with us so that they can take weekend love trips. I think these trips really help to keep their marriage on track. Unfortunately, the closest family we have is 160 miles away and not too keen on watching the kids a lot I am pretty sure hes not seeing someone else, like 100%. He may see some pretty girls who golf (that's his love/dream, and he works in it) so he may get like upset that they like golf and i am not much of a player, but that would be the extent of it
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saveinla
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Post by saveinla on Jun 20, 2012 20:56:56 GMT -5
twinmama,
I am really sorry to hear about this. Hope you can talk to your DH and try to get this resolved.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jun 20, 2012 21:09:40 GMT -5
twinmama, I am really sorry to hear about this. Hope you can talk to your DH and try to get this resolved.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 20, 2012 21:22:36 GMT -5
I'm so sorry twinmama, hope you and your husband can work this out.
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Jun 20, 2012 21:50:44 GMT -5
He is angry and is pushing me away so I am guessing we are coming to the end. He isn't being aggressive but all he keeps talking about is the bad things we ever went through. He says separation so he can figure out why he needs me in his life. I don't know what to say or do at this point, he just ask me to give him space.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2012 22:02:53 GMT -5
Out of pure nosiness, all what bad things you have been through? Don't answer if you don't want. And I'm telling you, look around for a friendly little girl that looks like she is immune to the boring things of real life that us mere mortal women end up dealing with. He is fantasizing an easy life and something is triggering him thinking that is possible.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jun 20, 2012 22:07:31 GMT -5
twinmama - weren't you facing deployment soon, or did you just come back from one? Is that part of what is stressing him out?
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econstudent
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Post by econstudent on Jun 20, 2012 22:50:59 GMT -5
twinmama, I am really sorry to hear about this. Hope you can talk to your DH and try to get this resolved.
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mtman
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Post by mtman on Jun 20, 2012 23:07:05 GMT -5
You're naive.....If you think he's not already seeing someone else.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 20, 2012 23:09:57 GMT -5
He is going out of town this weekend with the boys, so ill be alone and he will get to see how it is without me. Then, we are gonna meet up in Santa Clarita cause we sold our Ford Edge and we have to give the guy the truck. hes gonna see if his family can watch the boys while he goes down there...that will be my chance and time alone with him If he's pushing you away right now and doesn't want to talk, let it ride for now, but hold him to the time alone in (after?) Santa Clarita to talk. Use the time between now and then to get your own thoughts together for the discussion. I don't know you, but I feel for anyone that gets blindsided with the possibility of their marriage ending. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.
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leanna
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Post by leanna on Jun 21, 2012 0:28:14 GMT -5
I'm so sorry TwinMama. What a shock to have to deal with.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Jun 21, 2012 0:58:44 GMT -5
I'm so sorry TwinMama. What a shock to have to deal with. Yes I agree especially since there is young twins involved and twinmama is in the military. It's freaking horrible and I hope her husband wakes up and realizes what damage he's causing.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2012 2:43:57 GMT -5
If he is a good man, then I'd just let him know that you don't want to divorce & you are going to fight for him.
Whether it's him trying to flee from adult responsibilities (kids & marriage) or something else, you need to figure out what you are willing to do for/with him to have a good marriage. Counseling would be a good start. What if he wants to run off and have an affair? Are you willing to wait him out and continue to work on the marriage while that is going on? I know one woman who's guy got involved with another woman & she let the other woman move into her home and they all lived together. That seems pretty extreme, but in her view she had invested a lot of herself in the relationship & figured this was some kind of crazy phase he was going through. I have never seen anyone make that kind of sacrifice or be that committed to their relationship, but i guess it makes a strong point.
What is going on with the kids that a babysitter thinks a 3 year old is tough to handle? And family doesn't want to watch them either? A 3 year old is still a baby - seems like the worst thing they can do is have a tantrum & be obstinate. At that age you can still pick them up and put them in time out ;D
twinmama will be fine on her own if that is the path she chooses to travel, but I think she is also smart enough to figure out what she wants and strategize her way to success.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2012 3:23:32 GMT -5
TwinMama
I am SO sorry you are going through this. Been there, done that. It was awful but it was 20 years ago. I have a good life, and either way, you will too. But it is a difficult, terrible thing to go through.
It is my firm belief that men don't leave their wives and families without having somebody else, either in reality, or in their head.
You have been very gung-ho on the debt reduction, and you've done incredibly well. Has your DH felt as strongly about it as you? Maybe he feels that by selling your cars, etc, you are "shedding" the things in your life that he feels you have "worked hard for" or "accomplished"? Believe me, I am NOT trying to justify his behavior (which I find deplorable). Just trying to help you identify what COULD be part of the problem.
Also, I realize that your parents don't seem to love babysitting, but perhaps they can make an effort? I don't know your relationship with your mom but I'd tell you to be honest with her and tell her you need her help with that. Do you have friends who could each take one of the boys for a night or two?
Hugs and strength to you.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 21, 2012 5:47:37 GMT -5
Twinmama--I'm thinking of you in these tough times!
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Jun 21, 2012 9:05:38 GMT -5
You're naive.....If you think he's not already seeing someone else. Well if he was, I don't know when that would have been. Seems like you know everything about everyone. He is either at home or at work..You say that he could say hes at work and somewhere else? I know for A PERSONAL FACT he is at home. Not all men are slimeballs and jump in the sack with some random piece of ass thank you!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 21, 2012 9:08:42 GMT -5
It could be an emotional attraction, not physical. I don't know, I don't know your husband, but it seems like people don't just up and leave a spouse unless they are interested in pursuing someone else.
Good luck and I hope he will talk with you and let you know what he's thinking.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 21, 2012 9:14:44 GMT -5
It could be a mid-life crisis type thing where he's seeing the single girls at the golf course and thinking "man I could be living the life right now!". He's thinking the grass is greener on the other side, not that he is actually interested in someone else.
Not realizing like latebloomer said that eventually all relationships becoming "boring" and all relationships eventually have their bad moments.
I'd respect that he wants his space but tell him that you plan on fighting for your marriage, you aren't just going to agree to give him what he wants. You have time invested and kids involved, he doesn't get to up and leave becasue he thinks things are "bad".
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 21, 2012 9:15:27 GMT -5
I thought about leaving my husband a lot and the last thing in the world I wanted was another spouse/partner or even one night stand. I just wanted my own space for once. I would imagine that my husband could say the same about me.
Again good luck Twinmama! I hope he will realize how intertwined your lives will always be (because of your children) and decide to talk and work with you.
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rileyoday
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Post by rileyoday on Jun 21, 2012 9:29:36 GMT -5
Help him pack his stuff, hold the door open and tell him good luck.
Now or later, hes leaving. If his sons cant keep him there you have little chance.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jun 21, 2012 9:31:39 GMT -5
I thought about leaving my husband a lot and the last thing in the world I wanted was another spouse/partner or even one night stand. I just wanted my own space for once. I would imagine that my husband could say the same about me. Again good luck Twinmama! I hope he will realize how intertwined your lives will always be (because of your children) and decide to talk and work with you. Actually, I have to rephrase what I said. From my observations, it seems like women who want to leave a marriage often do so to get alone time. A man who leaves a marriage often does it because he met someone. It is not a hard and fast rule, and there are plenty of women who have left their husbands for another man, but I have rarely seen a man just leave without having another one out there.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2012 9:41:31 GMT -5
twinmama - I am so sorry to hear this for you and for your family. I'm sorry but i don't know what the deal is with a lot of men today who think they can just bail on their families, children, wife and responsibilities. And, be careful, that he doesn't use the "I am going to leave you" as a continual threat. If you work it out this time, he should not be left with this as some kind of "Trump" card to scare the pants off of you whenever he is feeling overwhelmed. THe first order of business should be in YOU getting some counseling asap and including him if he is willing. If he is'nt , then at least you have someone to help you sort out your feeligs. And, it sounds like he is extremely immature because what did he think raising a family entailed, a walk in the park? Yeah, maybe he feels overwhelmed and neglected, so do you. But, if you work together you can certainly carve out some time for yourselves. But, you also have to realize there are "Seasons of Life". there are seasons of life when it is pretty much nonstop childcare. But, you are in in this life for the long haul. NOw, that our children are getting older, my DH and i have found more times to spend to together. THat is kind of how life goes.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 21, 2012 9:42:15 GMT -5
I know 2 guys who left their marriages because they didn't want to deal with the daily responsibilities of children. It's kind of like they reverted back to being teen-agers. They both left their wives & kids, rented 1 bedroom apartments, and sat around every evening drinking beer & watching t.v. or gaming all night. Both of these guys were in their 40's, & neither ever remarried. I always thought they'd regret that decision when they got older (bailing out on wife & kids). I guess some men never grow up....
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Saving4Norway
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Post by Saving4Norway on Jun 21, 2012 10:37:09 GMT -5
Oh twinmama, my heart breaks for you. At 33 I had my midlife crisis. My marriage was boring. He wasn't any fun anymore. I moved out. I was happily "on my own" renting a room at a friend's house. My girlfriend would continually nag me about making sure I called my DH every few days to talk even when I didn't think I had anything to say. (The key to what saved my marriage!) To give you an idea of timeline, I moved out in April (we didn't tell our family) and when Thanksgiving rolled around I stayed the extended weekend at our house. On the way back to my place I realized that I had tried living with him and tried to live without him. Both were successful to a point. When I got to my place I picked up the phone and told him that I didn't want to spend another night without him. We both agreed that we still had some relationship fixing to do so we started counseling for a couple of years. It made all the difference in the world. Our love and marriage is exponentially stronger now because of it. Other things: We had been married about as long as you have but we don't have any kids. At the time I stopped going to church because deep in my heart I knew that l was wrong. At first I didn't want to go to counseling because I knew I had been selfish and I didn't want someone make me admit that. What I hope you realize from my story is that when you feel like all hope is gone it isn't. Keep the lines of communication open.
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murphath
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Post by murphath on Jun 21, 2012 10:55:38 GMT -5
Twinmama: I am so sorry for you. I know this is a severe blow and your head is spinning right now. I hope you and he will be able to sit down and talk about this honestly. I don't know you personally but from your posts I can tell you are a very strong and determined woman. The military life suits you! I'm kinda the same way: if there's a problem, let's fix it. You have definitely led the charge in your debt reduction, etc.. So, you will get through this, I'm sure. I'm not saying your DH is seeing anyone else. Right now he says he wants his space and to separate. If he had asked for a divorce, then, perhaps, another person might be involved. I remember a friend of mine (a Marriage and Family Therapist) told me: 95% of men will stay in even the most horrific marriages because they don't want to be alone. If they ask for a divorce, there's a 95% chance of another woman being in the picture. I found that very interesting. If it were me, and I could support myself like you are able to do, I would tell him to go and get his space. But I would also add that if he truly wanted to get to the root of the problem, and if he still loved me as he claims, he would be willing to get counseling. It might take awhile, but a good therapist can truly help the truth come out. Big hugs to you.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2012 11:11:42 GMT -5
I know 2 guys who left their marriages because they didn't want to deal with the daily responsibilities of children. It's kind of like they reverted back to being teen-agers. They both left their wives & kids, rented 1 bedroom apartments, and sat around every evening drinking beer & watching t.v. or gaming all night. Both of these guys were in their 40's, & neither ever remarried. I always thought they'd regret that decision when they got older (bailing out on wife & kids). I guess some men never grow up.... Responsibility weighs heavy on younger men We feel like the world is sitting on our shoulders at times He needs to see that he has a partner in life...for the good and the bad...the ups and the downs But as someone above said...some guys just cant deal with it all. They want to revert back to the "good ole days" and just being a guy taking care of himself...beholden to nothing else....sitting around in their underwear drinking beer and not giving a crap about anything else I went through this at the 7 year mark in my marraige....had three kids...a mortgage...bills up the wazoo....and it seems like my wife never paid me any attention What i realized was that it was me...not her...that was the problem. He hopefully has a mentor or someone he respects around.....hopefully they will give him the "talk" a chief gave me If i can change and realize it...there is hope..... Keep your head up....and remember to breathe
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 21, 2012 11:25:01 GMT -5
twinmamma, I'm so sorry you're going though this.
DH and I are coming out of a rough patch - me being depressed and him dealing with health/dietary issues. During the worst of it, making time for each other just didn't seem important enough for either of us. We were both wrong. Once I got on the antidepression meds, I started trying again. He then would try too. Now we're both trying and things are better on the couples front.
I know you're military but do you have someone like Home6 you can go to for support? I don't know your branch (or Big Sarge's either) so maybe it's different?
ETA - there are still days when I just want to run away and hide from both the kids and DH. When I'm really overwhelmed, 48 hours alone sounds like a blessing beyond price...
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Clever Username
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Post by Clever Username on Jun 21, 2012 13:24:14 GMT -5
I'm sorry you're going through this.
A few underlying themes seem present. 1. He's not a great communicator. The flipside of this is that you can't take this bombshell at full face value. PP stated it well: "separation" can either mean trial divorce or breathing room to kickstart reconciliation. As much as everyone thinks it's great to have time away together or venting with friends, I'm of the opposite opinion. You need professionals involved ASAP. 2. Raising kids is hard. Raising kids is work. This is your life now. This is regardless if you are together or apart. This is not a first line of defense for you to use, but if he gets all "I want the free and easy life" on you.... boot up my favorite blues song "It's Cheaper to Keep Her." 28% of your income as child support + the full cost of your daycare is going to be neither cheap nor easy. Again, not an early tactic, but if he's pushing hard, give him a peek behind that curtain. If it comes to litigation, you're a mama bear and he's between you and the cubs.
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