UGH! Another Rant UPDATE

[sealy]

I really don't have anyone that I could trust to say this to without feeling like I'm being judged. My ex made an appointment for my daughter to see a therapist without me.
I am so angry we have joint legal custody but he keeps acting as if he has full legal custody. He mentioned it but I told him that I wanted to be able to choose who our daughter saw. And that our son should also go if he's making an appointment for our daughter. Tonight she told me that she has an appointment and her dad was going to tell me a week before her appointment was. I'm not objecting to her going I just feel so left out. He chose who she is seeing I wasn't even given a chance to talk to the therapist or anything. He also refused to let me see them on Mother's day. He wouldn't even let them go to my Aunt's funeral. They are 12 and 14 so their age wasn't even an issue. I can't afford to go back to court at this point. This just really sucks.

[Deleted]

Hi sealy - Sorry you are going through this! However, this could be a good thing. Most therapists are highly skilled and professional. And, having your daughter talk to someone outside of your circle may be very beneficial for her. So, the fact that your ex is considering this may be helpful is actually a good thing. Or, maybe he is trying to make a point about being in control too or whatever. Don't play that game. I would support my daughter going and there is no reason you cannot get in touch with this therapist and meet with him/her yourself. Keep in mind that the main goal is to help your daughter. And, i would not undermine that with issues toward your ex or expressing unhappiness that this isn't the 'right" therapist because that will then cloud your daughter's perception toward therapy which is exactly what you don't want to do. Take this and make the best of it.

[mizbear]

I have to side with sealy on this one. When there is joint custody there is a certain amount of decorum at needs to be exercised.

And daddy might want to keep in mind that his plans may backfire.

Make sure that the therapist has a copy of the custody agreement from the court- although the therapist will not be able to discuss things with you- they should include you in treatment. Don't get involved in any mudslinging and mind games- but make yourself available if needed- and invisible if not. I was your kids' age and hated it when my mother tied to get in on what was going on in my therapy sessions. My grandmother was much more- "I'm here if you need me".

The biggest thing is that you do exactly what shooby said and support your daughter. And don't get mad if the therapist refuses to meet with you or your ex outside of family sessions or establishing rules for the sessions.

[sealy]

Thank you both very much. I hadn't planned on trying to stop her sessions. I will do exactly as you suggested support my daughter by being there for her when she needs me.

He is being controlling. I was just trying to find out where the appointment was and what time. I asked him again nicely and he yelled at me "stop being rude and demanding" and then he hung up on me. At that point
a thought came into my mind to just call the number on her medical card and ask them. I did and they gave
me the info I was looking for.

Thanks shooby. I will remember to: "Keep in mind that the main goal is to help your daughter. And, i would not undermine that with issues toward your ex or expressing unhappiness that this isn't the 'right" therapist because that will then cloud your daughter's perception toward therapy which is exactly what you don't want to do. Take this and make the best of it."

Thanks Mizbear for telling me "Make sure that the therapist has a copy of the custody agreement from the court- although the therapist will not be able to discuss things with you- they should include you in treatment. Don't get involved in any mudslinging and mind games- but make yourself available if needed- and invisible if not. I was your kids' age and hated it when my mother tied to get in on what was going on in my therapy sessions. My grandmother was much more- "I'm here if you need me"." I will not throw any mud. I will just be there for my daughter.

Have a great day.

s

[mizbear]

HUGS sealy- We are here if you need us.

[Deleted]

If your decree indicates joint decision and no exclusions, then you are right to be troubled about this. While it is not bad for your daughter to go into counseling, ultimately it is her decision whether she likes/dislikes the therapist or wants to share anything. A competent therapist will reach out to both parents and ask to interview both before even starting sessions with the child. If the therapist has not been in touch with you, then you have every right to call them and make them aware of the joint custody and ask why they have not scheduled time with you for family background.

Your parenting decree should outline exactly what days each of you have the children. If holidays were specified like Mothers and Fathers day and it is your turn, you can actually call the police, explain that your ex is refusing to turn over the children per the decree and that you would like assistance in having the children turned over. When this happened to my DD the police gave a preliminary call to the ex and explained 'how it works' and that if he did not turn over the children as ordered by the decree, that they would bring mother to collect the children AND file a police report.

If he continues to deny you your residential time as defined by the decree, this is actually the path you need to go in order to document that you were not failing to exercise your rights to your residential time. Once you have a couple of incidents, you can file pro-se for a hearing in front of a judge (you just have to file the forms correctly & show up). The judge will advise the ex to comply with the orders or he will be charged with contempt & then the judge usually 're-balances' the residential time to make up for what you missed. Or if the ex makes the judge mad enough the outcome might be to permanently shift the parenting plan.

Did you have an attorney when you originally got divorced? If you go the formal report to police route, then the judge may order ex to pay your attorneys fees since ex was being intransigent. It is worth doing a consult with your attorney to discuss the possibility & to protect yourself from losing residential time with the children.

[sealy]

Rock It, thank you.
He is not breaking the order just being morally rude in my opinion. The order doesn't state that
we each get mother's day or father's day. It would have just been polite to have my children
spend mother's day with me. I had them on father's day and even encouraged my lil ones to
call him. I plan on attending the session before my daughter is scheduled to have her appointment.
I think her being able to talk to a totally unbiased person would be good for her. I just want to
make sure that I'm able to talk to the therapist before her session.

[sealy]

Thank you all very much. I went to my DD appointment and the therapist said that she was glad I
left a copy of our divorce decree (Thanks Mizbear).

I was able to voice my concerns and tried to make sure I kept the focus on my daughter.

I really appreciate everyone's support. Thanks again.

s

[mizbear]

HUGS!

DB got nasty when ex-SIL starting sending TBear to a therapist a while back. But she had made sure that the therapist knew that she could talk to DB- he just wanted something to grouse about.