Am I Wrong???

[Deleted]

I agree Beer - she should get the mani/pedi and lunch and then celebrate with her family. And yeah, if it's a big deal to her I think she should casually mention that she'd like to be asked next time.

[quotequeen]

Jun 14, 2012 10:12:28 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

Jun 14, 2012 10:07:49 GMT -5 quotequeen said:

That doesn't mean they assumed that a particular day was ok. They assumed that it would be ok to celebrate on a day other than the OP's birthday. And since the OP is not entitled to have people cater to her whims on a particular day that happens to be her birthday, I don't see the issue.

but what's wrong with just asking if that's okay? It sounds like she would have agreed to celebrate on a different day. If you asked me for 17 years and all of a sudden you just assume, I'd be a little bent out of shape. Since when does requesting that you be asked about when you celebrate your own birthday reveal entitlement issues?

There's nothing wrong with asking if it's ok, but IMO there's also nothing wrong with not asking if it's ok. If the kids aren't available on the day of her birthday then it's really irrelevant whether the OP is ok with it or not. I don't see the value in asking "is X ok" if the answer to that question isn't going to change what you do.

[Deleted]

QQ, we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I wouldn't like to be told when something that I need to be present for is happening without anyone checking to make sure I was okay/available for that day. Work is one thing, but for a family event? No.

[quotequeen]

Jun 14, 2012 10:20:30 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

QQ, we are going to have to agree to disagree on this one. I wouldn't like to be told when something that I need to be present for is happening without anyone checking to make sure I was okay/available for that day. Work is one thing, but for a family event? No.

Again, I didn't read the OP as saying that her daughters told her when it was happening, as in the particular day. All we know is that the daughters told her that it was happening after the actual birthday. And that seems to be the part that the OP is upset about.

Of course, if somebody comes to you and says "we are doing X on Y day" instead of asking and clearing it with your schedule, that is rude. But that has nothing to do with what X is or the fact that the celebration relates to the OP's birthday.

[hoops902]

"but what's wrong with just asking if that's okay? It sounds like she would have agreed to celebrate on a different day."

Because it's silly and kind of condescending to ask people questions if you're not going to follow their answer. So asking if you can celebrate on a day other than their actual b-day is kind of silly if you're going to do it no matter what they say because you already have plans.

I actually can't believe an adult is this whiny about a birthday to begin with though.

[hoops902]

Jun 14, 2012 10:17:11 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I agree Beer - she should get the mani/pedi and lunch and then celebrate with her family. And yeah, if it's a big deal to her I think she should casually mention that she'd like to be asked next time.

If it were you, would you want to be "asked" if your answer was irrelevant? If they are already busy on that day, do you really want to be asked, given the choice, then if you choose to celebrate on that day they just say "too bad, we're not doing that"? I'd be annoyed as all hell that they asked, got my answer, and then said they weren't going by my answer because the question they asked was irrelevant.

[Deleted]

Jun 14, 2012 10:35:05 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

Jun 14, 2012 10:17:11 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

I agree Beer - she should get the mani/pedi and lunch and then celebrate with her family. And yeah, if it's a big deal to her I think she should casually mention that she'd like to be asked next time.

If it were you, would you want to be "asked" if your answer was irrelevant? If they are already busy on that day, do you really want to be asked, given the choice, then if you choose to celebrate on that day they just say "too bad, we're not doing that"? I'd be annoyed as all hell that they asked, got my answer, and then said they weren't going by my answer because the question they asked was irrelevant.

I would not appreciate that either. FWIW, I usually just celebrate my birthday with DH (and now DS). He and I have celebrated our birthdays together for almost as long as we've been together and they are important to us. Yes, the actual day.

However, we celebrate on a different day with family - usually when the most amount of people are available. We don't really complain or care though.

Not every adult has to take a "who cares" attitude toward their birthday.

[Abby Normal]

I think I'm the exact opposite of the OP. I was born on Father's day. My sister was born on Christmas. She has always hated it and never felt she gets her "special day". So she tries to insist that we do something "special" as a family for my birthday. Which I think is just stupid. Frankly trying to schedule the entire family for a second get together is a PITA. I can't get through to her that I don't feel the same way as she does about birthdays.

[shanendoah]

Work is one thing, but for a family event? No.

So her kid's in-laws also have to be held hostage to her birthday? Or if her son's baseball team makes the championship game and it happens to be on grandma's birthday, he doesn't get to play?
NOt every adult has to take a "who cares" attitude toward their birthday, but they also can't hold everyone around them hostage regarding their birthday. By the time you have grown kids, with families of their own, you need to be able to figure out that your birthday isn't the end all be all of their lives.
Did the OP, as a young parent, always make sure to celebrate with her mother on her mother's birthday? Or did work and family sometimes (often) get in the way?
There has to be an understanding of what you can and can't control. She can control how she spends her birthday, but she doesn't have any control over her kids' or grandkids' schedules, and she shouldn't expect to.
But again, a lot comes down to phrasing- if one of the kids called and said "Mom, I know your birthday is in a couple weeks, but your grandson has a baseball game on that day, and your other daughter has in-laws in town that weekend, making it really hard for either of us got get away. Still, we really want to celebrate your birthday, so we were wondering if the following Tuesday evening would work for you, as a big family celebration?" -then I think she's overreacting.
However if the kid called and said- "Hey Mom, we're all really busy on your birthday, so we've decided to celebrate it the following Tuesday. Meet us at Chili's at 7pm." -that's a different story, and she has a right to be upset.
The thing is, the reason she has a right to be upset has nothing to do with whether or not it's her birthday. She has a right to be upset because her child treated her rudely.
And in either case, she has a right to say that date/time doesn't work for her.

[Deleted]

I think you guys are reading way more into the OP than you need to.

[Deleted]

I agree Jen!

[marvholly]

WOW!!!
I am totally surprised by the number of responses in so short a time.

I have NO intention of questioning or deriding either DD in any way. Was just venting a bit. W/some reflection I am actually enjoying the idea of a day to myself & treating myself. Budget is just WAAAAY too tight to do very often. Must be’any excuse in a storm’ theory.

Carolina
Back in the day (when I worked) I also took a ‘floating day’ for my bday. AND I got a bday card yesterday (bday is NOT for a number of days) from an old friend of my late DH whose wife passed away several months ago.

Re surprise parties: Did for my late DH’s 30th again for his 49th (don’t ask) and my parents 50th. DH’s 49th & parents 50th & DD2’s Bat Mitzvah were ALL in the SAME calendar year. When DH asked if we were doing anything special for his bday I told him he was NUTS if he thought I would be working FT and planning 3 MAJOR parties in 1 year. I did tell DH I was taking him out and we told my parents the same. NOTE: All worked out quite well.

Quotequeen
They DID just TELL me the plan was for x date at y time. NO asking for input from me.

Waffle
I DID agree to do as they TOLD me. Just NOT happy I was TOLD.

Zib
I can understand your situation. NOTHING like that is going on anywhere in our family or w/in laws. I would certainly be much more understanding if that was happening.

Kind
Both DDs are teachers and TOTALLY off work for the summer so schedule NOT an issue.

Moneyjennie
EXACTLY!!!! I have NOT been told things since I moved out of my parent’s.

Sahnaendoah
Yes, we ALWAYS celebrated my parents bdays & anniversary ON the actual day unless THEY had made other plans w/friends, wanted to do something else/special if we suggested dinner or brunch at abc or were on vacation. Repeating: I was NOT asked. I was TOLD we are going to lunch on x date at y time to z place. NO INPUT!!

[shanendoah]

So I totally agree that you are right to be upset with the kids- but not because it is your birthday, but because they were completely rude. You should have been asked if X date at y time in z place would work for you, not simply told that you would be there.

[The J]

Maybe X date and Y time in Z place is because they're planning a party.

[quotequeen]

Jun 14, 2012 11:34:19 GMT -5 marvholly said:

Quotequeen
They DID just TELL me the plan was for x date at y time. NO asking for input from me.

Then I agree that you have a right to be annoyed. But it has nothing to do with it being your birthday.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Birthdays stop being a big deal to anyone but you by around the age of 10.

And I know other people have a Christmas birthday - but I think people try very hard to segregate Christmas from the birthday in those cases.

HAHAHahahahhahahahhaha. Not even when I was still under 10 and birthdays are a big deal. I'd get one present with a card that said Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas.

[The J]

Jun 14, 2012 13:58:22 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Birthdays stop being a big deal to anyone but you by around the age of 10.

And I know other people have a Christmas birthday - but I think people try very hard to segregate Christmas from the birthday in those cases.

HAHAHahahahhahahahhaha. Not even when I was still under 10 and birthdays are a big deal. I'd get one present with a card that said Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas.

And that's even though Dark's birthday is in April!

[Deleted]

Maybe X date and Y time in Z place is because they're planning a party.

This was my first thought too. Maybe not a party, but some sort of surprise. Is this a landmark birthday?

This said, Holly, I agree it's rude to just tell you where to be, and when, rather than discuss it with you. But hold off judgement, because they COULD have a reason.

If it turns out they don't, I'd probably tell them it was a lovely lunch, but I was surprised at not having been consulted, since we usually work that out together.

This said, do you really have anything else going on that day? If not, I probably wouldn't say anything.

To be honest I'm not sure if you're upset because usually you celebrate with your DDs BEFORE your birthday, and this time they told you it would be AFTER your birthday, or because they didn't ask for your input on the date.

In any case, happy birthday!

ETA: When I had an office job, DH and I used to do our best to both take a day off for our birthdays, if we could swing it. It worked out most years, but not every year. It was always a great day for us, being home alone without kids!

Now that I'm teaching I know I won't be able to swing those days off anymore. But you can be darn sure that my students will know it's my birthday, because they will be stuffing their faces with cake on their way out of my classes LOL.

This could be because I too used to share my BD with the Thanksgiving turkey!

[Deleted]

marvholly - I don't think there is any right or wrong. You feel how you feel. For some people birthdays are really important and for others they aren't. But, the last thing you want to do is allow any resentment to build up between you and family members. And, i don't know how old your DDs are but for young adults, they really aren't thinking of the importance of those kinds of things for other people. As people grow up and learn, they start to realize the importance of certain things towards other people. I know that i never really took that much note of my own birthday or other things. I have a dear friend who does and who loves to send and receive cards. It took me years to realize the importance of things like this to her. So, now, i try to pop a friendship card in the mail every now and then and she really appreciates it.
But, the day isn't that important. What is important is being with your family if you can. And, if you can't, then you can't. Sometimes we have very busy times of life and we can't always do those things. So, go and pamper yourself on your day, and then enjoy a second day of birthday fun with your family.

[Deleted]

You are wrong.

Be thankful they acknowledge you & your BDay.

This is small stuff & you should not raise your blood pressure over it.

[NastyWoman]

My GM and uncle had the same birthday and they lived close to each other (~1hr drive). My uncle's most miserable birthday was his 75th --- the first one he had to himself. He told me once how he always had wanted his "own" day until he had one

[marvholly]

TheJ
I HIGHLY doubt the DDs are planning a party because:
It is a weekday at lunch time
Sitter has been arranged for the grands
It is NOT a ‘landmark’ bday (a 5 or 10)

Debt
I HAD a ton of other stuff scheduled for that day. I usually help w/my Dad’s PT and run my own shopping grocery stuff on those days. I also need to get in to renew my drivers license, get a pair of glasses fixed both of which are over near my Dad.

Shooby
My DDs are really NOT all that young – either side of mid-30.

[skubikky]

First....Happy Birthday....

Second.....I only pray that this is the biggest problem that you have to face this year....
Stop with the "farbissina punim " , be a mensch, and embrace the fact that you have family that loves you and wants to celebrate your birthday.

[Deleted]

Jun 15, 2012 6:31:35 GMT -5 marvholly said:

TheJ
I HIGHLY doubt the DDs are planning a party because:
It is a weekday at lunch time
Sitter has been arranged for the grands
It is NOT a ‘landmark’ bday (a 5 or 10)

Debt
I HAD a ton of other stuff scheduled for that day. I usually help w/my Dad’s PT and run my own shopping grocery stuff on those days. I also need to get in to renew my drivers license, get a pair of glasses fixed both of which are over near my Dad.

Shooby
My DDs are really NOT all that young – either side of mid-30.

OK. 30's. So, i assume they are in the thick of life with career, family, activities, and what not. If they acknowledge it sometime during the month of your birthday either through a card, calling or whatever, for me that is more than adequate. And, if they have been really good other years then just give them a break this year.
Again, my advice is that it is what it is. For them, they don't necessarily view adult birthdays in the same way you do. I certainly would NOT let this sour my relationship with my children.