Plain Old Petunia
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bloom where you are planted
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on May 28, 2012 20:18:05 GMT -5
I didn't live with a boyfriend until my 30's! I just think that at 19, you have enough to worry about in learning to be an adult. Living with someone (significant other) can really complicate things. Now, not only is this 19 year old living with a guy, she's also depending on him to support her, so, even if he is a controlling ass, she will probably stay cuz she doesn't have the means financially, or the sense of independence or confidence to be able to make it on her own. Maybe he's controlling, or maybe since he is the one paying for everything he felt it was his decision. If it were my daughter, I would want more details.
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Post by moxie on May 28, 2012 20:20:07 GMT -5
I had to come back and edit this because you posted "They will be having sex." and it looked like my reply was "I hope so too" in response to that comment
lol
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Plain Old Petunia
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bloom where you are planted
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on May 28, 2012 20:23:53 GMT -5
Oh no, not sex?! Isn't there something we can do to stop it? Are there other people elsewhere having sex, do you think? Something must be done about this immediately.
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Post by moxie on May 28, 2012 20:28:10 GMT -5
"Isn't there something we can do to stop it?" I sent her to college with a chastity belt, but they burned it at their first bonfire.
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Post by moxie on May 28, 2012 20:29:50 GMT -5
"Are there other people elsewhere having sex, do you think?"
I am thinking John Edwards isn't having it right now...he is probably nervous as a cat awaiting his verdict. he he
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Plain Old Petunia
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bloom where you are planted
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on May 28, 2012 20:31:53 GMT -5
"Isn't there something we can do to stop it?" I sent her to college with a chastity belt, but they burned it at their first bon fire. Did you send the key with her? What were you thinking?
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Post by moxie on May 28, 2012 20:39:18 GMT -5
Her boyfriend was in criminal justice...he had a master key.
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 28, 2012 20:50:14 GMT -5
OP, if you are really concerned you can try talking to the building inspector in your town to get ideas of whether that sloping floor might be a huge issue or not. It is always possible that the foundation has shifted and the issue isn't even the floor. Without inspecting the building its hard to know what the real issue is. She doesn't live in the same town as me. She moved to another state. I live on the border so she's not that far. I don't know what the codes are in her town/state. I thought what you really were concerned about was the safety of the floor. For that you don't need to know about any codes and its actually wiser to talk to someone locally. What you really want to know is does a slant of floor of several inches imply that the floor is at risk of falling yes or no? If there is a yes answer, what should you or your daughter check for. I don't think your daughter would thank you for checking up on this apartment with the building inspector for that town. While it sounds not so nice, it odesn't sound actively dangerous as long as they stay away from the wires that should be under a switchplate and don't hold big dance parties in the room(s) with the slanted floor. Building codes and occupancy codes are different things. Either you really care about the inherent safety of the floor or you don't. If you do, talking to your town's building inspector might put your mind at ease or give you/her something to check. (Construction and how homes and apartments are put together don't change all that much from state to state. I'd be shocked it your town's building inspector's knowledge of floors and foundations was totally useless for the state your daughter lives in.)
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servant_of_dog
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Just file it under "who cares".
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Post by servant_of_dog on May 28, 2012 21:00:38 GMT -5
LOL, my mom about had a heart-attack when she saw my first college apartment! When we showed up to move me in, there was a parachute strung up in the living room, and a knife stuck in the wall in the kitchen. The back door off the kitchen didn't even close. All of the windows were painted shut. Actually, come to think of it, the painters (who hadn't finished yet) stole our weed. I was moving in with my best friend, and two others. We had a blast. Since your daughter is moving in with her boyfriend, do watch her for personality changes; if she starts drawing away from friends and family, it's a good sign there is a problem.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 28, 2012 21:03:44 GMT -5
Sloping floors are really the small stuff of this story! Foundations can settle/sink, especially if it is building on former landfill sites.
I'd be a whole lot more concerned over her signing a 12 month lease with a 3 month boyfriend. If she's living there, there's no choice, they make all residents sign the lease. I'll just hope there is some sort of sublet via landlord deal she can swing if the relationship crashes & burns. As long as she's not in an abusive situation, I'd be sure NOT to bail her out when things go wrong with this deal. It might be a very expensive lesson, but since she does not respect your advice ahead of time, you'll have to let her learn the hard way.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2012 0:18:40 GMT -5
I wouldn't worry so much about the living conditions. The building that she is moving into has probably been standing for decades and will probably stand for several more decades. I doubt it is going to fall down anytime soon and even if the floor caves in, it is the landlord's problem, not hers. And, most people will tell you some of the best years of their lives were struggling and starting one' s life. As for her moving in with BF, not sure that is so wise. But, she is 19 and has to make her own decisions in life. You can disagree and you do not need to bail her out of bad decisions. She has to start bailing herself out as well. Sometimes people start out looking like things won't work out but you really don't know. And, if it turns out she made some bad decisions, life will go on and she will learn and move on.
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alabamagal
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Post by alabamagal on May 29, 2012 8:41:51 GMT -5
I wouldn't worry so much about the living conditions. The building that she is moving into has probably been standing for decades and will probably stand for several more decades. I doubt it is going to fall down anytime soon and even if the floor caves in, it is the landlord's problem, not hers. And, most people will tell you some of the best years of their lives were struggling and starting one' s life. As for her moving in with BF, not sure that is so wise. But, she is 19 and has to make her own decisions in life. You can disagree and you do not need to bail her out of bad decisions. She has to start bailing herself out as well. Sometimes people start out looking like things won't work out but you really don't know. And, if it turns out she made some bad decisions, life will go on and she will learn and move on. With my college kids, we have some of the same issues. My DD moved in with her boyfriend last year (at age 20) but she did it after she signed a lease on her college apartment, so not only was she living with him, she had to pay rent on her own place. That was her decision. At least though if things went bad with the bf, she could move back to her place. She made it through the year, but pretty much split up at the end of the year (from what I can tell). My son is the one who lives in a . He lives in a 50's era house just off college campus with 5 or 6 other guys. It is far from nice, but it fits the college guys pretty well - except for the pink tiled bathroom! My son loves the fact that he only has to pay $225 in rent plus ~$30 for utilities. Also saves ~$600 a year because he doesn't need campus parking. He even offered to let me stay there next week when I take my other son for orientation (No thanks on that one!). I think living Cheaply when you are young makes you better able to appreciate having nice living arrangements when you get a real job and can afford some nice things.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on May 29, 2012 8:46:03 GMT -5
I'm wondering if she told you she didn't have any input on the apartment because she could tell you were upset about it and she didn't want you to be mad at her. Easier to blame the BF.
I wouldn't be so worried about the apartment floor. As others have pointed out, this sounds like a pretty typical cheap apartment in a college town. A lot of us have been broke college students at some point and we survived.
I would also be concerned about her moving in with someone at age 19, but unfortunately this is one of those things you have to bite your tongue and wait.
Unfortunately when old farts try to give advice to 19 year old women they usually interpret it as people trying to say they aren't grown up and mature enough to deal with the situation, and they think they know better. When really it doesn't have to do with maturity, it has to do with us old farts knowing how unreliable young adult males can be (and young adult females, to be fair), how temporary young adult relationships can be, and how landlords don't give a crap when it comes to the ups and downs of young love. They just want their money.
So you hold your breath, hold your tongue, wish for the best, but if this falls through (not literally, I don't think the floor will fail) be sympathetic, refrain from saying "I told you so" and refrain from jumping in and fixing things for her. Sometimes the best education comes from failing.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on May 29, 2012 11:25:53 GMT -5
It sucks to say but if she isn't paying anything and he wants to be in control she doesn't have much of a leg to stand on. Not saying it's right but it's definitely not the first or last time that's happened. Since she doesn't feel the need to run some things by you for whatever reason if it backfires let her learn from it and don't bail her out. Obviously you don't let her live on the streets but if she wants to act like an adult and make adult decisions then she should deal with the repercussions of her decisions like an adult.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on May 29, 2012 11:37:36 GMT -5
It sucks to say but if she isn't paying anything and he wants to be in control she doesn't have much of a leg to stand on. Not saying it's right but it's definitely not the first or last time that's happened. Since she doesn't feel the need to run some things by you for whatever reason if it backfires let her learn from it and don't bail her out. Obviously you don't let her live on the streets but if she wants to act like an adult and make adult decisions then she should deal with the repercussions of her decisions like an adult.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 29, 2012 13:01:06 GMT -5
I'm wondering if she told you she didn't have any input on the apartment because she could tell you were upset about it and she didn't want you to be mad at her. Easier to blame the BF. Actually I think we took it better than his parents. She told me his mother had a panic attack because of the drunk passed out on their front door stoop! I read that sagging floors aren't that dangerous so I'm going to back off and let her "enjoy" her first apartment. She did call me up to complain how hot it is. Really a second floor apartment with no cross ventilation in a brick building gets hot? I told her my solution from when I was her age and had my own crappy apartment. Get a fan, sit in your under ware in front of it and mist yourself with a water bottle.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 29, 2012 16:46:59 GMT -5
Oh no, not sex?! Isn't there something we can do to stop it? Are there other people elsewhere having sex, do you think? Something must be done about this immediately. *tea on the monitor* The only guy I've ever "officially" lived with (i.e., signed a lease together, not just squatting at his place while I found my own) is my husband. I'm sure my parents weren't thrilled when we moved in together after six months of dating (even though they him) but at least now I can tell myself that they took comfort in our apartment. Our first apartment together was the nicest place I had lived on my own at that point.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on May 29, 2012 18:21:38 GMT -5
I think everyone should live in a shithole. It resets your living standard, and helps keep you grounded. And, like your husband said, it gives you hilarious stories - like the pop bottle races.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on May 29, 2012 18:29:22 GMT -5
Mostly you do it for the stories. People never get sick of hearing about how I slept in the bathtub after finding a mouse hanging out in my bed.
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hurley1980
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I am all that is wrong with the world....don't get too close, I'm contagious.
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Post by hurley1980 on May 29, 2012 18:59:11 GMT -5
My daughter and boyfriend moved into their apartment last week and I went over to see it. It is horrible! The floors are so uneven that they had to set their boxspring on the floor because the wheels on the bedframe would send their bed across the room. The light switch in the bedroom has no switch plate cover and honestly I've never seen a switch like it before. A standard plastic cover wouldn't work. The light in the living room is two bare light bulbs with no cover of any kind. The kitchen is tiny. The cabinets are old and the doors don't hang right. There are two knobs missing on the drawer and cabinet door. Since the floors are so uneven the refrigerator is on the floor on one side and propped up a couple of inches on the other side to keep it level! I realize this is a college town and expectations are pretty low for young people starting out but aren't there building codes that this violates? When I saw the place I asked her if she signed a six month lease and she said no-we signed a 12 month lease! For the record I told her not to sign anything without me looking at it first and she went ahead and did it anyway. No offense "mom" but by your description, I've always lived in a ....and I'm 32 years old! I've never dealt with sagging floors, but up until I bought my house pretty much every place I rented had a broken drawer or cupboard or something wrong with it, sometimes many things wrong. You let the landlord know, but unless its a health or safety hazard, they really couldn't care less. Its not that uncommon unless you are renting a luxry appartment, and even some of those have a thing or two broken. My house that I own right now has a tiny outdated kitchen and most of the cupboards don't close correctly. Also, the front steps slope slightly, and its in a crappy suburb of town. I like it though, because I can afford it, it has character, and my neighbors are good people, so I couldn't really care less if its a "" to someone else or not. It may not be the nicest place in the world to you, but to her its home at the moment. Been there, done that. The best thing my mom ever did for me during those first independent years, was be supportive, and thats probably the best thing you can do for here right now too.
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morrisr2d2
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Post by morrisr2d2 on May 29, 2012 19:32:09 GMT -5
Only read half the thread but I can already envision the Thanksgiving stories 10 years from now. As long as she is in no real danger sounds like great growing and learning opportunities for her.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 29, 2012 20:59:27 GMT -5
"but I did live in a hippie commune." AWESOME...free weed? *Did you bathe? Lots of weed, but we did bathe. Got to see some babies born also.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 29, 2012 21:01:22 GMT -5
I'm told that after I rented about a 500 sq ft house in Black Hawk, CO that was built by a mining company as employee housing and my sister and BIL moved me in, my sister cried halfway to Iowa because it was such a .
She was right. I couldn't wait to get out when my 12 month lease was up. I was so stupid. Landlady wanted month to month and I insisted on the lease.
I was not a kid. This was in 2003.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2012 2:36:54 GMT -5
As a person that spent the past 5 months looking for an apartment in a college town, believe me she will be ok. 98% of those apartments I saw I would not move into, ever... but that same day or following day they were rented to college students.
I asked a few times: what parents let their kids move in into those dumps?
But I remember: those are college kids that are away from home for the first time, excited, nervous, feeling like an adult and this place look like paradise to them. It represent Freedom!
My wife and I went the opposite direction, we move into a nice apartment and that set the standards... I wish we moved into a at first lol... Just a little.
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cael
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Post by cael on May 30, 2012 7:52:43 GMT -5
I had this whole post typed out last night and my safari crashed, and I gave up Anyhoos, if she is concerned, have her call the health or building dept. I have to say, the apartment sounds like it could be in any one of the 200+ year old houses I may see on inspections in my city - I've seen sloped floors like that, and it doesn't necessarily mean it's structurally unsound. The minimum standards of fitness for human habitation are also pretty low bare-bones standards, which lots of people don't realize. Have HER call if she wants though, don't do it for her. We have a college in my city, and when we get calls from parents about their kid's hellhole apartment, we have to resist the urge to ask "who's mommy called the board of health?" when we go visit the house
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 30, 2012 8:20:43 GMT -5
...:::"98% of those apartments I saw I would not move into, ever... but that same day or following day they were rented to college students.":::...
I was thinking the same thing. I bet that the other places she saw were about the same. Be thankful because if she had your standards, then she would twist your words against you and guilt you into subsidizing something "livable".
...:::"My wife and I went the opposite direction, we move into a nice apartment and that set the standards... I wish we moved into a at first lol... Just a little.":::...
We briefly lived in a tolerable place that was in a not-so-great neighborhood. After DW got followed by two strange men, we decided we'd pay for safety. Safety is important, but when 70% of your money is going to your rent, it doesn't leave much left for other things, and we are still paying for that today.
Did I read correctly that cyanne's daughter isn't actually paying rent? This is going to get very interesting, and I agree with the others who say that so long as there is no abuse or homelessness, let her figure this one out. A college guy is not going to pay all the bills without expecting something in return.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 30, 2012 8:21:22 GMT -5
Oh and for the exposed light switch? Just get some electrical tape and make your own cover.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 30, 2012 8:36:02 GMT -5
Oh and for the exposed light switch? Just get some electrical tape and make your own cover. Perfect solution! Cheap and she can do it herself. ;D I would never call the housing inspectors for her. She is an adult (one who makes some stupid, impulsive decisions but still an adult). I just wanted to know that the floor will not collapse and after some research it seems it will hold up for at least 12 more months.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Oct 26, 2014 12:45:28 GMT -5
As someone who rented a 200 sq ft in a basement in Boston, my suggestion is to back off and don't say anything. Unless there s something dangerous, and since your daughter signed the lease, I'm presuming she is old enough o sign legal documents.
I know my dad was horrified at what I rented. I am ever so grateful that he did not let me know until long after I moved out.
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sesfw
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Post by sesfw on Oct 26, 2014 14:00:50 GMT -5
Wonder how the daughter and boy friend are doing? This thread started more than 2 years ago so they might have grown up and separated by now.
At least farther along in education of one kind or another.
I remember our '' apts when first married ...... but we were happy together.
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