Blended families - what/when to tell kids

[Mardi Gras Audrey]

I too would recommend as early as possible for letting the kids know. My family is all kinds of messed up (With stepsibs, half sibs, baby daddies, etc) and we all know a lot of the drama. I think by knowing early and being matter-of-fact about it, it helps a lot. When you lie about it and try to hide the facts, it makes everything seem shameful and hurts more when the kid finds out.

My aunt and uncle had my cousin back in the 1970s. He was born with a genetic disease that was inherited from his father. They wanted more kids but didn't want to risk the genetic disease again (Back then it was said that you wouldn't live past your 20s with this disease). SO, my aunt got preggo with a friend's sperm and had my younger cousin (Healthy as a horse!).

Well, my uncle died of his disease (He was in his 20s) and the two kids grew up missing their dad. Aunt never remarried and fast forward 20 years. Friend ("Daddy") gets divorced from his wife and dates my Aunt. My younger cousin hates him because he doesn't want his mom dating anyone (Cousin ran off all of mom's boyfriends when he was a kid). Aunt ends up telling him not to be mean to new BF because that's really his dad.

Cousin was PISSED!!!!!! Found out in his 20s that his dad wasn't his dad and mom's new man is his biodad. What hurt more was that he thought that everyone else in the family knew and was hiding it (In honesty, very few people knew and those that did know hadn't thought about it in years. They just accepted that Uncle was cousin's "dad").

It was really bad and I felt sorry for my cousin. He thought everyone knew and was laughing at him for not knowing as well as for grieving for the dad who wasn't his "real dad"....

[cronewitch]

I hate the secrets. My brother's wife got pregnant when he wasn't home so he isn't the biodad of his second daughter. She is 38 or so now and still thinks he is her biodad. She got pregnant while broken up with her boyfriend then went back to him. He gave the baby his name but didn't tell his mother it wasn't his bioson, married her when the baby was 4 months, divorced after 10 years. He is still the boy's dad and his mother doesn't know he isn't her biograndson. The boy is 20 now and still thinks his dad is his biodad.

My aunt and uncle adopted my infant cousin. Her biomom cheated on her husband and they already had too many kids, her husband didn't want the baby. I remember when they got her and talked about the adoption in front of her. I assumed she knew she was adopted but she didn't know. Her biomom was my aunts friend so she grow up playing with half siblings pretending they were her sisters. Her dad died when she was young and her mom died about 15 years ago, little cousin is in her 50s and still doesn't know she was adopted. Everyone but her knows so why didn't they keep using the word adopted in front of her like they did when she was an infant, she wouldn't have cared.

[findingdeadbeats]

May 16, 2012 15:28:21 GMT -5 taz157 said:

mid - I think kid #1 should have been told sooner. If it were one of my kids, I believe I would have told them when they were mature enough to understand it.

shasta - This question is none of my business and I realize that so you don't have to answer it. Why is the woman raising the child instead of your friend's DH and his wife.

Sorry. I think I was confusing.

DH's friend X is married to Y.

He met Z in a bar and had some fun. Z got prego.

X and Y decided to "work through" their issues of the affair and rather than Z have an abortion, X and wife Y decided to raise the kid as if Y is the bio mother. But, since she clearly wasn't ever prego, and has told everyone anyway, it is well known that said child came from Z from the bar.

But, they have told the child that Y is his mother. He knows nothing about Z and they have no plans to tell him.

Someone will. At some point someone will slip the information.

[Formerly SK]

I don't know my biodad. My mom got preggo randomly and had me, then a year later met the guy who I call my dad. They decided early on to wait until I got my period to tell me (which was at age 11 I think). Anyway, it wasn't a big deal to me. I think I had a few hints along the way so at my core it wasn't a shock.

[zibazinski]

I think it's hard on everyone when secrets are kept. I have a lot of adopted cousins. I was older when they all were adopted so I knew about it. The first adopted cousin wanted to find her birth parents. My aunt lied to her about her former name so she was dead ended in her search. She was talking to me about it and I blurted out what her real former name was along with saying no wonder she was having trouble finding her parents. I had no clue she was being lied to, just figured she was stupid and forgot, which she is rather dumb so it wouldn't be unusual. Did I catch hell over that but at that time I was old enough to say if you are going to lie to someone then make sure all are in on that lie.

[973beachbum]

I'm wiht Crone on this one. I hate secrets!

I would be seriously pissed if my parents didn't tell me something as big as that. It isn't even what happened that would make me crazy. That someone would go to such lengths to keep up a lie to me about something as basic as who my parents are would me me nuts.

[aliciar6]

my oldest niece wants to have the family last name, but her real father is against it and he won't give up his rights so my brother can adopt her and formally give her our family last name. She wanted it bad enough that at school they have her listed under their name and the school was ok with that. I don't know if the bio father knows, because i doubt he'd be ok with it.

while she may have a different bio father, my brother has been her father for real since she was about a year old and she is turning 9 this year.

[Deleted]

I agree with "as early as possible", although if the details of the bio family included rape I'd take that secret to my grave. My feeling is that anything friends/relatives know, even in strictest confidence, will get to the kid eventually.

I've got a colleague who had a baby by donor insemination. She was close to 40, no decent man in sight, she had a good job, and she wanted to be a mother before it was too late. When her little boy was 3, we were traveling on business together with him (she took responsibility for finding day care for him during the workday) and when we were talking over dinner about it, she translated it to German for him (their primary language). It was a very simple story about how Mommy really wanted a baby and she went to the doctor and that was how she got him. His eyes lit up- clearly he had heard it before and it was a happy story for him. It was wonderful to watch.

[thyme4change]

"You mean...I'm gonna stay this color??" (at 2 minutes)

[midjd]

I'm wondering if this is the same friend you talked about a couple of weeks ago that you used to be really close to, but don't feel so close to anymore because of poor choices, financial and otherwise.

Sometimes we all need to move on. It's just life.

No, this is just an acquaintance from HS, a different person than I posted about before. I guess a lot of my friends make poor choices .
Even if it was a close friend, I don't think I'd be comfortable telling her how to handle it - for one, I don't have kids (and we all know how much parents appreciate unsolicited child-rearing advice from nonparents) and two, I just don't feel it's my place. Then again, a semi-lighthearted comment like "Hope he doesn't read this before you end up telling him!" might get the point across. I dunno.

[KaraBoo]

May 17, 2012 11:46:16 GMT -5 aliciar6 said:

my oldest niece wants to have the family last name, but her real father is against it and he won't give up his rights so my brother can adopt her and formally give her our family last name. She wanted it bad enough that at school they have her listed under their name and the school was ok with that. I don't know if the bio father knows, because i doubt he'd be ok with it.

while she may have a different bio father, my brother has been her father for real since she was about a year old and she is turning 9 this year.

My Ex-husband's bio-daughter felt this way too. Same story, Ex didn't want her to have any other last name but his.

When she turned 18, she had her last name legally changed to her step-father's last name and they had some type of "adoption" ceramony (it wasn't legal - just a statement type ceramony) where the step-father adopted her into his family. Ex was pissed to say the least when he found out about it.

I can see the same thing happening at some point with my bio-son (with my Exhusband) adopting my current DH's last name when he's 18. I don't know if I will voice an opinion on it one way or the other - at 18, son is free to do what he feels is necessary as an adult as long as it doesn't impact me in a negative way.

[Deleted]

DH was one of 3 illegitimate kids his mother had with Mr. X, so his last name on his birth certificate was X. X drifted in and out of their lives but was never really dependable, and eventually moved far away in search of better opportunities. She married Mr. Y when DH was about 6 years old; Y raised the kids as his own and even now DH will quote his homespun wisdom and tell stories about him. At some point the kids just started using Y's last name but when DH went into the military they told him he had to change it legally or go back to using X as his last name.

Y's observation: "If you need to pay a judge to tell you who you are, Boy, you're not as smart as I thought". DH's last name is still X.

Families get formed in all kinds of ways, don't they?

[thyme4change]

Y's observation: "If you need to pay a judge to tell you who you are, Boy, you're not as smart as I thought". DH's last name is still X.

Families get formed in all kinds of ways, don't they?

This makes me smile. What a great man.

[raeoflyte]

May 17, 2012 12:36:55 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

Y's observation: "If you need to pay a judge to tell you who you are, Boy, you're not as smart as I thought". DH's last name is still X.

Families get formed in all kinds of ways, don't they?

This makes me smile. What a great man.

Seriously awesome story!

Why can't I give karma?

[zibazinski]

DFs stepkidd did the same thing. Baby daddy was in jail and never paid a dime for support but he had RIGHTS. So both step kids changed their names at age eighteeen. Why do judges allow this shit? If you are in jail and don't pay support why should you have any rights, period?