Blended families - what/when to tell kids

[midjd]

One of my classmates had a kid while we were in HS - she then went on to marry and have another kid with a different guy just a year or two later. So she, kid #2, and husband all have the same last name, while kid #1 has a different last name. Kid #1 has apparently been raised to believe that the husband is his bio father.

My classmate posted on FB that kid #1 (who is 11) had just asked her why his last name was different from kid #2's, and that she didn't want to tell him, and that she'd been dreading this convo for years...

My feeling is that she waited way too late and it's going to cause a shitstorm regardless of what she tells him now. But it raised an interesting point. In non-traditional or blended families, what do you tell your kids, and when?

In my completely worthless opinion as a non-parent, the sooner is the better. I think finding out the person you always thought was your bio parent is not, or that you're adopted, or that your "sister" is really your mother, etc. would be devastating - whereas if you're raised knowing that's the case, it's probably no big deal, because that's just your "normal." But I guess I could be wrong.

What do you guys think?

[findingdeadbeats]

An old friend of my DH's had an affair. The woman got prego and he and his wife are raising the child. (They already had grown children, the DH was in his 40s when he had the affair.) I figure if his wife was willing then it is their business.

There are few people who know them that don't know the kid isn't biologically the wife's. However, the child is now a preteen and still has never been told.

I think this child will be very angry and in need of therapy when he finds out that he is the only one who doesn't know...

I found out I wasn't biologically related to one of my grandmothers when I was a teenager. It was weird. I always wondered why no one bothered to tell me before then. It wouldn't have mattered to me, but the withholding of information does.

[taz157]

mid - I think kid #1 should have been told sooner. If it were one of my kids, I believe I would have told them when they were mature enough to understand it.

shasta - This question is none of my business and I realize that so you don't have to answer it. Why is the woman raising the child instead of your friend's DH and his wife.

[michelyn8]

I'm in the earlier the better camp.

I was 17 when I had DS and my parents adopted him when he was 4. Up until my Dad passed, he call me Mommy and my Mom "Mama" like the rest of us. After Daddy died, my Mom had him start calling me by my first name for reasons I've never fully understood.

He has always known his history and my relation to him. He grew up well adjusted enough. He had some emotional issues that could have come from his situation but I always felt they were more related to losing the only father he ever really knew and being sensitive to tensions between me and my Mom related to his upbringing (I was often expected to be his other parent but had no say so about anything).

In the past year (he's 26 now), he's taken to calling me Mommy again and refers to my Mom as grandma. Feels good to have him call me Mommy but always throws me when he talks about grandma.

[Firebird]

An old friend of my DH's had an affair. The woman got prego and he and his wife are raising the child. (They already had grown children, the DH was in his 40s when he had the affair.) I figure if his wife was willing then it is their business.

I heard about someone doing this too! And it sounded absolutely whackadoo to me. What "other woman" would give up her child to the wife that her lover clearly wasn't about to leave? Seems to me like that would be the ultimate admission of "failure" in love and war.

I can understand a tiny bit better how the wife might be willing to raise the child - who, after all, didn't do anything wrong and does belong to her DH and deserves a loving and stable home like any other kid - but that's a stretch for me as well. It would take a LOT of therapy before I'd be willing to raise the child of my husband's affair. Could I forgive him, probably, but there would be a lot of emotion I'd have to work through to ensure I could treat the child fairly and no different from my own.

[Chocolate Lover]

I assume that kid #1's dad is not at all in the picture?? Otherwise this wouldn't be an issue. I'd have told him years ago myself. Like from the beginning but I'm all for not causing a kid any more confusion than I have to.

[Firebird]

My feeling is that she waited way too late and it's going to cause a shitstorm regardless of what she tells him now. But it raised an interesting point. In non-traditional or blended families, what do you tell your kids, and when?

I agree that sooner is better - that's definitely NOT the kind of thing a kid should hear about on Facebook (or a playground, or whatever). How and when you raised the subject would probably depend on the ages of the kids as much as anything, though.

I always thought kids had a pretty good sense of whether they were in a blended family, but this story proves that's not always the case.

[Firebird]

He has always known his history and my relation to him. He grew up well adjusted enough. He had some emotional issues that could have come from his situation but I always felt they were more related to losing the only father he ever really knew and being sensitive to tensions between me and my Mom related to his upbringing (I was often expected to be his other parent but had no say so about anything).

Wow, Mich, what a tough situation. I commend you and your parents - sounds like you all did your best to make the most of it. I'm really glad your DS has come through it okay.

[quotequeen]

My cousin's girlfriend got pregnant while they were broken up or "on a break" or something. They got back together before the kid was born and my cousin adopted the kid. To my knowledge the kid has never been told. She's now 14 or so.

[Deleted]

Like on Weeds. Nancy got pregnant in highschool and had Silas but got married to someone else, had a baby and that guy raised both kids as their bio dads. Then Silas found out when he was 18 and he was pissed at his mom.

[dividend]

May 16, 2012 15:32:35 GMT -5 Firebird said:

An old friend of my DH's had an affair. The woman got prego and he and his wife are raising the child. (They already had grown children, the DH was in his 40s when he had the affair.) I figure if his wife was willing then it is their business.

I heard about someone doing this too! And it sounded absolutely whackadoo to me. What "other woman" would give up her child to the wife that her lover clearly wasn't about to leave? Seems to me like that would be the ultimate admission of "failure" in love and war.

I can understand a tiny bit better how the wife might be willing to raise the child - who, after all, didn't do anything wrong and does belong to her DH and deserves a loving and stable home like any other kid - but that's a stretch for me as well. It would take a LOT of therapy before I'd be willing to raise the child of my husband's affair. Could I forgive him, probably, but there would be a lot of emotion I'd have to work through to ensure I could treat the child fairly and no different from my own.

Didn't work out so well for Caitlin Stark, did it?

[shanendoah]

So I'm of two minds on this one.
In all the training for the adoption that we are going through, we are being told that the kids should basically be raised knowing they are adopted. (Like 90% of the adoptions through our agency are open adoptions, so the bio parents are still at least a tiny bit in the picture.) And, in general, I agree with that. It is much easier on the kid if they understand from the beginning.
There are some cases, though, where I don't think kids need to grow up knowing, and may never be told.

In the don't need to grow up knowing: I read about a woman who was sexually abused and raped by a relative. She got pregnant and somehow had the strength to keep the child. That child can know bio dad is not in the picture, but in no way should that child know who bio dad is until they are old enough to understand (and by that I mean, adult), if ever.
One of the questions we're asked as potential adoptive parents is what we would tell our child if our child was the product of rape/incest. And my answer remains that my child will know they are adopted. They will know that due to circumstances beyond her control, mom couldn't keep them, and that bio dad is not in the picture. No need to go into circumstances until the child is a late teen/adult.

In another case, DH has an older half sister. DH has known about her his whole life, I think. His mom had a baby before she met his father. Her sister and BIL adopted that baby. The half-sister is mentally disabled, kind of frozen around the mental capacity of a 14 year old. She does not know her cousin is really her half-brother. She does not know her Aunt who just died was really her mother. And she never needs to know. Her adopted siblings both know the truth, as does DH. But none of them feel the need to tell her. And since she will never have the mental/emotional maturity to really understand the situation, I don't see a problem with it.

[thyme4change]

My neighbors look like a perfectly lovely family, and one day the 8 year old girl said to me 'Something, something, my biological dad, something something.'

As it turned out, the woman was married previously, divorced the guy, met the man, they married, bio-dad wasn't interested, so new hubby adopted the girl - all before she was 3 years old. However, she knew an appropriate amount of the story at all stages of her life. I think they could have hid it - no obvious race / looks issues, they all have the same last name, etc. etc. But, that isn't their style. Well, come to think of it, I doubt they could have hid it because they are drinkers - and talkers! LOL.

[Firebird]

Didn't work out so well for Caitlin Stark, did it?

No idea who that is.

[KaraBoo]

I guess I'm having a hard time figuring out why #1 has a different last name - is the dad still in the picture in any way, shape or form? What's the last name - the mom's maiden or the "real" father's last name? Is mom receiving CS for child #1?

My answer would really depend on the background of this particular situation.

Out of my current family of 6 - only my BS has a different last name - his bio-father's. But, his dad has been in the picture (even if it has been sporadically) for his entire life. He knows he has a different father.

DH has offered on a couple of occassions to adopt my bio-son and I've told him no way! First off, if DH adopts him, then if anything ever happens between us, DH would be legally responsible for him, not his bio-dad and I don't think that's right. Second off, Xdh would never give up parental rights, so it's a mute point anyway (besides the fact that I believe X should be responsible for his own child).

I do wonder what's going to happen in my x-friend's case. She got pregnant by another guy after her and her DH split for a brief period. After they reconciled is when she found out she was pregnant. Her DH asked her to get an abortion because he didn't think he could raise another man's child. She agreed and did the procedure. 2 months later, she found out she was still pregnant - the abortion didn't happen like it was supposed to (which apparently happens more often than one realizes! The clinic said it was her fault for not coming to her follow up appointment the next week). When she found out, it was too late to try again, so she had the child anyway.

Her and her DH have been raising the boy like it was his this whole time. There are obvious signs (to me) that the boy doesn't look anything like his dad and no one on his mom's side of the family. She also has a serious case of mommy guilt and has allowed him to do anything he wants, when he wants (spoiled is putting it mildly). I do wonder what's going to happen once the boy finds out - which he probably will at some point.

[Firebird]

One of the questions we're asked as potential adoptive parents is what we would tell our child if our child was the product of rape/incest. And my answer remains that my child will know they are adopted. They will know that due to circumstances beyond her control, mom couldn't keep them, and that bio dad is not in the picture. No need to go into circumstances until the child is a late teen/adult.

I totally agree with that It would be a difficult thing to accept about yourself, I'd think (especially if you had also been sexually assaulted at any point). You'd want to have some sort of emotional maturity on your side.

[Firebird]

2 months later, she found out she was still pregnant - the abortion didn't happen like it was supposed to (which apparently happens more often than one realizes! The clinic said it was her fault for not coming to her follow up appointment the next week).

My jaw literally dropped. For REAL?! How does that even work? You scrape out the uterus but you miss the embryo?!?

PS - I'm loving your location Can I come visit?

[raeoflyte]

We will be very upfront with our children about how they were conceived and that daddy is not biologically related to them. Kids typically don't care about that kind of stuff unless you lie to them.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Didn't work out so well for Caitlin Stark, did it?

No idea who that is.

What the truck is wrong with you??? She's one of the main characters in the Song of Ice and Fire series by George RR Martin. Put them on your book list immediately, and don't ever admit that you haven't already read them in public again.

ETA - Or, at the very least, get season one of Game of Thrones and watch that. The first season is the first book in the series, and the show is pretty damn good too.

[KaraBoo]

May 16, 2012 16:29:46 GMT -5 Firebird said:

2 months later, she found out she was still pregnant - the abortion didn't happen like it was supposed to (which apparently happens more often than one realizes! The clinic said it was her fault for not coming to her follow up appointment the next week).

My jaw literally dropped. For REAL?! How does that even work? You scrape out the uterus but you miss the embryo?!?

PS - I'm loving your location Can I come visit?

For Real!! I couldn't believe it either when she told me. At that point, because her and her DH had reconciled and she did what he asked her to, I guess they figured it was meant to be that the child be with them (they're not overly spiritual or anything, that was just how they felt). It's been over 16 years now, and she just had her 2nd child - it'll be interesting once he grows up and the 1st boy realizes he looks nothing like his brother (the dad is 6'4" and very pale skinned, mom is 5'6" and very pale skinned, while the boy barely tops 5'5" with an olive complexioin - much like his biodad's).

Of course you can come visit!! There's plenty of room for more evil parents! ;D

[Phoenix84]

"What do you guys think?"

Pretty much the same thing as you. You shouldn't lie about it at all, no matter how young the kid is. That will just create hate and resentment later. If the kid is curious you should explain it in a age appropriate manner.

[Deleted]

The issue isn't the blended family, it's the lack of honesty. I agree with you Mid, it's going to be devastating when this child learns the truth. I find that level of deception absolutely mind-blowing.

Long story short when DD was small, DH and I taught her that in some families, there is a difference between a "father" and a "daddy".

When I was growing up in Queens I lived in an apt building, there were about 8 kids around the same age. One of the two neighborhood bullies had a much-older sister. One day when I was in my teens my mom told me that his sister was his mom, not his sister.

Apparently the entire neighborhood knew it except him. No wonder he was such a mess.

Mich, what you went through must have been incredibly tough at the time. Kudos to your family for being open about it.

[raeoflyte]

My incredibly white aunt (living in the south) adopted a native american baby. I remember my cousin saying she just didn't know how they were going to break the news to the kid (who was already 12 at the time!) Somehow I think he already knew something was up, and I'm not suprised he doesn't talk to his family much at this point.

[Deleted]

Rae that's so sad, how old is he? My college BF and his wife (both white) adopted a Mexican baby from the south. They were always totally open with him. He's 14 now and they all have a fabulous relationship.

Again, it's the lying that's the problem. Skeletons in closets never did anybody any good.

[Deleted]

I was born a poor black child.

[Deleted]

I was born a poor black child.

What happened then Archie?

[Peace Of Mind]

I would probably tell them when they start asking questions about it. But I would have handled it sooner if the subject wasn't too sensitive. That's how my mom handled it with us to explain when one parent came to visit the step kids.

To keep things from being complicated mom had us use our step dad's last name as kids. We had to use our real last names for high school. To graduate legally we had to change our names to our bio one. Boy - talk about a lot of questions in high school. Some people thought we were two different people. LOL! I had a girl in class tell me something about POM Smith. I said "I'm POM Smith". She laughed and said no - really I'm talking about POM Smith. You are POM Jones!" LMAO!!! The kids behind us who knew I was both were snickering. I had to prove it to her that she was talking about me to ME.

[midjd]

Quick update on OP situation - the older son has the bio dads last name. Which I think makes the moms reluctance even worse...I mean, the kid should know where his name is from! I think shes handling it in the worst possible way. All of Facebook knows this kids parentage, people she hasn't seen in a decade, but the kid doesn't know. Sorry for typos, on my phone.

[Deleted]

You're absolutely right, Mid. If you're close, maybe you could point that out to her, either on her wall, or in a private message? Not easy, I know.

And if you're NOT close enough to point that out to her even privately, perhaps you need to think about readjusting your settings?

I'm wondering if this is the same friend you talked about a couple of weeks ago that you used to be really close to, but don't feel so close to anymore because of poor choices, financial and otherwise.

Sometimes we all need to move on. It's just life.

I know it's not easy though. And my guess is that most of your friends are pretty much in the same place they were when you left for "bigger and better things".

Some people change, Mid. And some people don't.

Part of growing up is learning who to keep, and who not to keep.

[Miss Tequila]

My aunt did the same thing. She got pregnant when she was only 15 or 16 and married the father. Right after her son was born, she was pregnant again with their daughter. Husband wound up being an abusive alcoholic and she divorced him shortly after she turned 18. She married someone else and they went on to have 4 more children. Second husband legally adopted the first two because the abusive drunk didn't care about them.

Problem is, she never told ANY of the kids that the first two had a different father. My mom and her sisters kept telling aunt that they had to tell the kids because everyone knew and it was bound to get back to them. Second husband was very controlling and wouldn't allow her to tell the kids.

When my cousins were 15 and 16 (or around there) my other aunt told them the story. ALL of the kids were completely devestated adn felt betrayed. not because she was married before but because she never told anyone. To this day (30 years later) the two older kids are not close to their mom. The other kids have forgiven her but will tell you how painful it was for them to find out their family was a lie.

Because of my family, I would tell the children early on...