Giving back your ex's last name

[cronewitch]

I took his name, he gave it to me when we married. My attorney asked if I wanted to change my name to something else when I divorced him.

My name had been my name for half my life then. College and career had all been under my name, I didn't see why I should stop using it when I divorced him.

His first ex kept his name after divorce and had three children with different baby daddies and gave them all his name. He was a little irked with her like it wasn't her name anymore when she dumped him, so me keeping the name is likely to have irked him too.

I like my name more than my birth name easy to spell and shorter. Why should I change it just because I divorced him?

[kindthatjingles]

My Ex was engaged with a baby on the way while we were still married.

Then Decalred Bankruptcy.

GLADLY gave the name back & would do it again.

It helped seperate everything and distinguish who I was.
I did not want to be associate with his mess

[mollyanna58]

My name had been my name for half my life then. College and career had all been under my name, I didn't see why I should stop using it when I divorced him.

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Many women keep husband's name for just this reason. Many keep it because it's their children's last name, and people will use it anyway. (Other mom: Mrs. Jones, I'm calling to invite Jeremy over for a play date with my son. ExWife: It's actually Ms. Smith, but Jeremy would be delighted to come over.)

I think one has to legally change one's name to go back to their family name, so the default is keeping the husband's.

[Miss Tequila]

I would keep my last name until my children were older....I can't explain it but I have a strong desire to have the same last name as my kids.

[Deleted]

May 14, 2012 11:54:04 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

I would keep my last name until my children were older....I can't explain it but I have a strong desire to have the same last name as my kids.

[Deleted]

May 14, 2012 11:54:04 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

I would keep my last name until my children were older....I can't explain it but I have a strong desire to have the same last name as my kids.

That was me. 20 years later, the kids are adults and I don't want that name anymore. Do I really have to change EVERYTHING if I legally change my last name back to my maiden name?

[973beachbum]

I never changed my name so I have no opinion for myself on that. DH's mother refused to change her name back after the divorce. DS's dad's new wife was majorly pissed! She felt it was disrespectful to her that her husbands now ex still had his name.

Personally I thought it was disrepectful to be having a 2 year affair while they were still married but heck no one asked my opinion.

[973beachbum]

May 14, 2012 12:00:58 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

May 14, 2012 11:54:04 GMT -5 Miss Tequila said:

I would keep my last name until my children were older....I can't explain it but I have a strong desire to have the same last name as my kids.

That was me. 20 years later, the kids are adults and I don't want that name anymore. Do I really have to change EVERYTHING if I legally change my last name back to my maiden name?

Yes. And you need to keep EVERYTHING from every change so that ou have a "chain of custody" for all of your names. If you want to see fun just go to the DMV and stand behind a woman who has had 3 last names and doesn't have all the marriage liscenses ect to go from the name on the birth cert to the present last name.

[Deleted]

I have gone back to my maiden name after 10 years divorced. I didn't at first because I didn't feel like telling everyone I got divorced. But I like my maiden name better and my dad asked me to take it back. I feel like I'm getting back to being me. I'll never change it again.

[Deleted]

maybe I'm weird but I didn't get a soul/personality transplant when I married DH and took his last name, so I'm not quite understanding how the name makes you a different person.

[Cookies Galore]

My mom went back her maiden name right after my parents divorced. I spent 25 of my 30 years having a different last name as my mom, so it's probably why my sister and i both don't feel the need to change names.

[Opti]

May 14, 2012 12:05:00 GMT -5 973beachbum said:

May 14, 2012 12:00:58 GMT -5 @pinkcshmere said:

That was me. 20 years later, the kids are adults and I don't want that name anymore. Do I really have to change EVERYTHING if I legally change my last name back to my maiden name?

Yes. And you need to keep EVERYTHING from every change so that ou have a "chain of custody" for all of your names. If you want to see fun just go to the DMV and stand behind a woman who has had 3 last names and doesn't have all the marriage liscenses ect to go from the name on the birth cert to the present last name.

Interesting. I had no idea someone might need to do that. My Mom has had 4 last names but she did go back to her first husband's last name, my Dad's, years ago possibly because most of her career was under that name and two of her children still used that last name.

[taz157]

When my mom married husband #1 (my dad), she took husband #1's last name. When she divorced husband #1, she kept husband #1's last name. When she remarried husband #2, she took husband #2's last name. When she divorced husband #2, she kept husband #2's last name as she was going through a job change and she was known by that last name. About 8 years after divorcing husband #2, she legally changed her last name from husband #2 to her maiden name. She has no kids with husband #2 and really didn't want his last name anymore. Even though she changed jobs shortly afterwards, it was worth it to change her last name. She did regret not changing it earlier as she could have made it part of the divorce and not cost her anything extra, but I think it cost her about $500 to do it 8 years later, in addition to the all the credit cards, bank accounts, etc. She has said if she gets married again, she will not be changing her last name. Who knows?

[973beachbum]

May 14, 2012 12:12:54 GMT -5 Opti said:

May 14, 2012 12:05:00 GMT -5 973beachbum said:

Yes. And you need to keep EVERYTHING from every change so that ou have a "chain of custody" for all of your names. If you want to see fun just go to the DMV and stand behind a woman who has had 3 last names and doesn't have all the marriage liscenses ect to go from the name on the birth cert to the present last name.

Interesting. I had no idea someone might need to do that. My Mom has had 4 last names but she did go back to her first husband's last name, my Dad's, years ago possibly because most of her career was under that name and two of her children still used that last name.

I think it has to do with the new Digital lisences six point verification stuff. Plus the new updated version. ;D

They do have a point though. If a woman is born Jane Smith and then marries John Doe and changes her name when she comes in with a birth cert saying Jane Sue Smith but a bill and other ID saying Jane Doe how do they know it is all for the same person without the Marrieage lisence and Legal name change stuff to connect it all? To make it harder with your Mom she has 4 sets of these docs that they would need to see to make sure she is actually the same person with all these different names.

All I remember was the biggest fight with a 70 yr old woman insisting, read yelling and screaming, she wasn't going to go home and find any documents she was just going to get her lisence renewed without it. The DMV mgr kept telling her to either produce the documents or leave. She was one pissed off person! Not to mention all the rest of us in line who couldn't do what we needed because she would stop screaming and let anyone else talk to them.

[Deleted]

May 14, 2012 12:12:04 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

maybe I'm weird but I didn't get a soul/personality transplant when I married DH and took his last name, so I'm not quite understanding how the name makes you a different person.

You really can't understand it?

[Sum Dum Gai]

Never been divorced, or changed my name, but it does seem weird to me to keep a last name that belongs to your ex's family.

ETA - Unless his family takes your side in the divorce. I have an aunt that I grew up with, who's not actually my aunt and never was. She married into the family, my mom's second cousin or something, and they divorced a few years later. She remained a part of the family, and he hasn't been seen much since. Now she comes to the family reunions with her new husband, and the whole family likes him too.

[Deleted]

May 14, 2012 13:01:12 GMT -5 @justaposter said:

May 14, 2012 12:12:04 GMT -5 @moneyjenny82 said:

maybe I'm weird but I didn't get a soul/personality transplant when I married DH and took his last name, so I'm not quite understanding how the name makes you a different person.

You really can't understand it?

no, I don't.

[Deleted]

May 14, 2012 13:03:57 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

Never been divorced, or changed my name, but it does seem weird to me to keep a last name that belongs to your ex's family.

For me, it didn't have anything to do with my ex or his family. It was a link to my children so that people that make assumptions would be more likely to assume correctly. Now that I'm not as involved in their lives, it's not important to me anymore.

The ex's parents still refer to me as their daughter in law even though he's currently married to his third wife. I assume no one had an issue with me keeping the name. I still wouldn't have changed it back then even if someone had a problem with it.

[happyhoix]

I had a co-worker who was married for all of 18 months, no kids.

When they divorced she kept her XDH's name - for about 11 years, until she died.

I thought that was a little odd, she hadn't been Mrs XXX for very long, no kids, what was the point? Her married name was easier to misspell than her maiden name, I would have stuck with the name people had less trouble spelling and pronouncing.

I asked her once while she kept it, she said she liked it better than her maiden name.

[Works4me]

Married for 5 years in my early 20's - got divorced - didn't want him, didn't want his money, didn't want his name.

Really should have taken the money.

[Angel!]

I kept his last name for a bunch of reasons. The biggest was I don't want a different last name from my kids & I am guessing that he wouldn't have taken kindly to having their names changed. Second, my career took off a little after my marriage, I got my PE & am known by that name professionally. Third, it is a very unique name which I love/hate. No one can pronounce it or spell it, so that is a PITA. But, on the flipside when you google me, it is all mostly me. There appears to be one other person in the US with my first/last name, so on a google search you get all reports & projects I have done. I like being unique.

[lexpenguin]

I disliked my ex quite intensely when we separated and whenever I see that last name (in any context) I have a little "horror shiver". I got rid of it incredibly quickly. And my maiden name is tough to pronounce and spell and it sounds like something dirty in England. I was still so thrilled to have it back.

I didn't know that people could like a name on its own (enough to keep it) after disliking their partner enough to divorce - so this was an interesting thread.

(I do understand wanting to keep the same name as the kids.)

[gawgagranny]

Married first time while still in college--kept XH's last name after divorce 25 years later as kids had that last name & I had been that last name all my prof. career. Kept XH's last name until I married now-DH several years later, then changed to now-DH's last name. (And for anyone who hasn't had to go thru that experience, it is a royal pain in the rear end to change your name in the post 9/11 world.....practically took an act of Congress to get some things changed!)

If anything happens to DH before me, I will just keep his name, most likely--not interested in going back to my maiden name (yuck!) and most definitely not to XH's name, even if my dear sons, DIL, and grandsons do wear it well. Also, XH has a current Mrs.-XH's last name and she SURE isn't ME (praise the Lord!!)

I do understand that DH's XW has made some attempt to go back to her maiden name, but must not be too serious about it--she is still on facebook as her-first-name his-last-name.

[TD2K]

I like my name more than my birth name easy to spell and shorter. Why should I change it just because I divorced him?

There's no reason you should have to change your name back. Names aren't copywrited so he has no 'claim' on it. You can pretty much change your name to anything you want.

[cronewitch]

I took my last name in 1967 so 45 years ago. I don't even think of it as his name. He didn't have any family with this name, both parents dead before we met, and his mom changed her name anyhow so even his sister didn't have the same name, and nobody had children with the same last name since he didn't have uncles only aunts. He has been dead around 10 years and we got divorced in 1984 so I just don't really think of him at all. We didn't have children so I am not related in anyway to anyone with my last name.

I wasn't angry with him when I divorced him, it was needed because he was drinking and going crazy so marriage was dangerous for me. He ruined his life and our divorce was just part of the fallout nothing to be angry about. I felt sorry for him losing a perfectly good wife, he still loved me, but I had to go.

[Angel!]

May 14, 2012 15:55:51 GMT -5 cronewitch said:

I wasn't angry with him when I divorced him, it was needed because he was drinking and going crazy so marriage was dangerous for me. He ruined his life and our divorce was just part of the fallout nothing to be angry about. I felt sorry for him losing a perfectly good wife, he still loved me, but I had to go.

That was similar to my story. I didn't hate him, don't hate him now, I don't get angry at the reminders - maybe sad sometimes. Heck, we got tattoos together & the tattoo doesn't bother me either.

I still love & care for the guy, I just can't have my kids around an alcoholic. And while I don't believe alcoholism is necessarily a "disease" & that somehow the behavior is acceptable because he is "sick", I do think it is a personal demon that he has to deal with on his own. When he is truly sober (has been for 1 yr now) he is a fantastic, caring person. If/when he starts drinking again, then he will be cut out of our lives. I won't hate him, but just be sad that he failed in the difficult task of staying sober & be sad that I lost someone that is a great person to alcohol.

[muttleynfelix]

My SIL changed her name back to her maiden name a couple years after her divorce. She was content keeping her married name for a couple years. Even got her PhD in that name, but decided to go back to her maiden. She'd been married for like 25 years, so she had her married name for almost 30 years. The biggest impetus was that he was being an ass and I think she needed a way to provide some more seperation. They live on the same dead end street less than a half mile from each other. Her ex remarried 2 years ago and she changed her name last fall.

[muttleynfelix]

And while I don't believe alcoholism is necessarily a "disease" & that somehow the behavior is acceptable because he is "sick",

I don't think calling alcoholism a disease gives someone a pass on his or her behavior. For my BIL and cousin, when they stop treating it like a disease that needs constant treatment, that is when they fall off the wagon. Calling it a disease makes them realize it needs constant management and isn't something they can personally battle alone. Just my observations.

[Angel!]

May 14, 2012 16:44:31 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

And while I don't believe alcoholism is necessarily a "disease" & that somehow the behavior is acceptable because he is "sick",

I don't think calling alcoholism a disease gives someone a pass on his or her behavior. For my BIL and cousin, when they stop treating it like a disease that needs constant treatment, that is when they fall off the wagon. Calling it a disease makes them realize it needs constant management and isn't something they can personally battle alone. Just my observations.

I've known people who use the word disease as an excuse for the behavior. "It isn't my fault, it's a disease" & I find that to be BS. Addiction - yes, but disease - no.

IMO the fact that their can be a genetic predisposition for something shouldn't mean it is a disease. But, I'm not a doctor so

[muttleynfelix]

I've known people who use the word disease as an excuse for the behavior. "It isn't my fault, it's a disease" & I find that to be BS.

Yeah, calling it a disease doesn't give them a pass. My BIL, who is now a drug and alcohol counselor, would be the first person to say that. His 20+ years on and off the wagon had a lot to do with environmental factors and I don't think I was ever around him when he was truly off the wagon, but my cousin, her big setback (and she's only had one big one in 15 years) was when her xh convinced her that she if she was just a little stronger and a little tougher (like him) she could have the occaisonal drink. Yeah, that didn't happen and she ended up back in rehab. If you asked both of them frankly if calling alcoholism a disease gives them a pass, they would tell you Hell no. But then they have both done the 12 steps successfully and have stayed sober (this time). I think my BIL has been sober for 5 years and my cousin almost 8 years. For the record, my BIL will never babysit our children alone. He has broken DH's trust too many times and I defer to DH on this issue, but I do trust that he is sober now.