If you're planning on paying for your kids college

[alabamagal]

I try to be as fair as possible for my 3 college kids, but I don't break it down into actual dollars spent. For my first, she got accepted into a private school, and got grants so that she ONLY had to pay $5000 in tuition. She also got a full scholarship to out of state public school. I told her she would be responsible for the $5000x4 if she really wanted to go there. She chose the state school. I paid all living expenses for first year, she is responsible for the remaining years. She is finishing in 3 years with 2 summer semesters.

My boys (one in second year, one starting next year) - I offered them the same deal. If they wanted private school, they had to pay for it. Both go to a state school where they get free (or nearly free) tuition. I pay first year living expenses, the rest is up to them.

We have provided them with vehicles (all older, approx same value), pay their car insurance, health insurance, cell phone, computers and a few other things. They are all a little bit different in what they need, but overall pretty close to same amount of money.

I probably would not pay for that much towards one's schooling if I didn't do the same for the other. For the one that wants to go to private school, I would definitely have them contribute some.

[The Captain]

That's why I only had one kid ;D

[The Captain]

In all seriousness, my parents had three kids and I was the only one who went to college.

When I graduated, paid off the loans, and had some money saved up I tried to pay them back for the "extra" they spent on me.

My Mom asked "How do you think your brother was able to afford to move to CA, or how was your sister able to afford that nice new car"?

Never though about it or kept track. Eventually everyhing will even out one way or another.

And kudos to you if you have two good kids who are doing well!

[The Captain]

Well then kudos for thinking ahead!

[Sum Dum Gai]

It would depend on whether the one who got into the pricey school was the older one or the younger one. If it was the older one we'd help out as much as we could, and send the younger one off to live in a convent, marry her off to somebody, or something like that, since we wouldn't have the scratch to pay for both of them. If it was the younger one, which would mean our older one was already done with her freshman year, we'd help the younger one as much as we could, and tell the older one she was on her own from that point forward since she didn't live up the family expectations like her younger sister.

[happyhoix]

I only have one kid, so this didn't matter.

However, we told DS when he was in middle school that we were going to be able to pay X amount per year for his college education. This would allow him to go for four years to a state school. If he screwed around and took more than 4 years, he was on his own for the final year. If he wanted to go to an expensive private school, it would be on him to either get a part time job, a scholarship or a student loan.

If we'd had two kids, we would have made the same deal with both kids. I'm not convinced a pricey private education is that much better - unless it's an Ivy league school. I have an office mate who paid $30,000 per year to send her daughter to a small Christian college. Her daughter just graduated with a elementary education degree - and can't find a job. If she'd gone to a state school, she might still not be able to get a job, but at least Mom and Dad wouldn't have all that debt - and this person works as an admin assistant, her DH just got hired as a teacher a couple years ago after being unemployeed for a couple years, they had to take out loans to pay for this. So it wasn't like they are wealthy.

[shanendoah]

Here's the thing about MIT and the Ivies- if your child is good enough to get accepted, the school will find a way to make it affordable. The big name schools all have massive endowments that are used specifically to help students who couldn't otherwise afford to go there. A middle class kid who gets into Harvard has pretty much everything paid for by school grants.
If you've got a kid for whom one of the bigs is a possibility, please don't let cost prevent your kid from applying. See if they can get in, see what the financial aid offer letter is like before making a decision.

[quotequeen]

I don't have or plan on having kids, but if I did, I would pay for them to go to whatever college they chose and not worry about it. I don't think things necessarily have to be equal to be fair.

[alabamagal]

May 9, 2012 13:43:24 GMT -5 @wrongsideof30 said:

In this situation, my youngest (6) is extremely gifted. DH says he's an engineer (dh says something like "engineers aren't trained, they're born). Anyway, DH mentioned the school MIT...I took a look at the costs and...holy cow.

My oldest son (8) is bright, but doesn't have the "gift" that my youngest has. And he's been telling me for years that he wants to join the military. I'll make him get a 2yr degree first for sure (he can get one for free at the community college I work at).

I was just wondering what I would do if my youngest really got accepted into MIT and my oldest really joined the military.

WOW you are thinking way ahead!!!

My youngest was a genious at age 6 (not a professional opinion, just mine). He was reading at 3, doing math before anyone taught him - 3 digit additions in kindergarten. He started school a year early (according to the school, in my mind he only missed the school cutoff by 2 weeks, which equalled the number of weeks he was born after his due date). He went to private school so there was no gifted program. The public schools would not allow him to start early. In first grade, he knew all the states, state capitals and major agriculture products. He had all As through elementary school. If you asked me at age 6, I would have had him at MIT. The older he got though, everyone else seemed to catch up (some). He is about to graduate, has 3.8 gpa which includes 6 college semester credits and he took 1 AP test. His SAT scores were excellent, but not enought to get him to MIT.

My other son (two years older) did not excel in elementary school, has ADD, usually had good grades but never quite got everything together. His 4th grade teacher told me based on his skills he should try to be a firefighter (I asked her that if she had a fire in her house, would she feel good if he showed up, but didn't have a fire hose!) But by the time he hit high school, things really came together as far as grades, SAT scores, and he now has really high college GPA.

So just plan should still be to be fairly equal in what they get/based on need.

If your kid truly is a genious, plenty of schools will offer to pay his tuition!

[shanendoah]

wrongsideof30: What I'm saying is that it would probably be cheaper for you to send younger DS to MIT than it will be to the state college. If you're a middle class family, the expense is very, very little.

But I honestly wouldn't worry about it, as long as you're raising two good kids.
My mom keeps track of how much she spends on DBro and I, but neither of us do. She will often justify buying me things because she recently got my brother something.
However, if you're really worried, do something like thecaptain's parents did- if you send one kid to college, help another with down payment on a house, etc.
I like 529 plans, but I'm also in support of traditional savings accounts because it allows for that kind of flexibility with how you help your children financially.

[Firebird]

Would you feel bad dropping a ton of money on one kid and nothing on the other?

Nope, I would just tell the second kid s/he wasn't worth as much.

[Deleted]

My parents always told the 5 of us that nothing was ever going to be equal. I had only DS so it wasn't a tough decision but if I had, say, one kid who aspired to be a teacher and one who aspired to be an investment banker (and I thought the second kid was smart and driven enough to make it), yes, I WOULD spend more on the second kid's education. I'd just make sure that each got something, rather than telling Aspiring Teacher that there was no money for his/her college because we were spending it all on Aspiring Investment Banker.

My parents sent my youngest brother to an out-of-state school after paying for state schools for the 4 of us. We didn't care. They'd done fine by us, and my brother met his wife there and I suspect he makes more than the rest of us, although we don't compare numbers. It was a good investment.

[savecents]

We have discussed this and agreed that if we have another kid, both kids will have an equal pile of money. If one kid gets a full ride they'll get the money towards a house/starting a business. Same thing if one goes to college and the other doesn't. But it's all theoretical at this point.

[happyhoix]

May 9, 2012 15:49:27 GMT -5 savecents said:

We have discussed this and agreed that if we have another kid, both kids will have an equal pile of money. If one kid gets a full ride they'll get the money towards a house/starting a business. Same thing if one goes to college and the other doesn't. But it's all theoretical at this point.

I agree parents should try to be equal. Setting aside a certain lump sum per child would work - let them spend it on what they want to spend it on.

I've seen too many dsyfunctional families where one kid is the golden child who gets the bulk of the family's resources while the other kids make do on their own - not ideal for family harmony.

Unless of course you have a special needs kid, in that case you may have to set aside a chunk of savings for future care, and the other sibs ought to understand why.

[swamp]

Eh, I dunno. My parents paid a lot more for my brother to attend college than my sister and me, but only because my sister and I got scholarships and he didn't. I don't begrudge him for it.

[973beachbum]

[quote author=georgiagal board=offtopic thread=22736 post=1026897 time=1336593146
My youngest was a genious at age 6 (not a professional opinion, just mine). He was reading at 3, doing math before anyone taught him - 3 digit additions in kindergarten. He started school a year early (according to the school, in my mind he only missed the school cutoff by 2 weeks, which equalled the number of weeks he was born after his due date). He went to private school so there was no gifted program. The public schools would not allow him to start early. In first grade, he knew all the states, state capitals and major agriculture products. He had all As through elementary school. If you asked me at age 6, I would have had him at MIT. The older he got though, everyone else seemed to catch up (some). He is about to graduate, has 3.8 gpa which includes 6 college semester credits and he took 1 AP test. His SAT scores were excellent, but not enought to get him to MIT.

My other son (two years older) did not excel in elementary school, has ADD, usually had good grades but never quite got everything together. His 4th grade teacher told me based on his skills he should try to be a firefighter (I asked her that if she had a fire in her house, would she feel good if he showed up, but didn't have a fire hose!) But by the time he hit high school, things really came together as far as grades, SAT scores, and he now has really high college GPA.

So just plan should still be to be fairly equal in what they get/based on need.

If your kid truly is a genious, plenty of schools will offer to pay his tuition!

[/quote]
I have a son who has ADHD and this is sooooo nice to hear. I know he is crazy smart but still worry about how he will cope with the world despite how smart his is. My DD is decidedly average. BUT she does just fine dealing with the world at large and I have never had any worries about her.

Who knows what the future will bring. ;D

[973beachbum]

All I can say to the topic of the thead is I promise to do my absolute best for both my children. If they beileve tha tis a whole 'nother story.

I have every plan of helping them both the same. If I have more resourses when DS is going to college it might end up with him getting more dollars. When DD was young though I had more one on one time and energy with her, so maybe it all works out in the end.

I can only hope.

[moxie]

"Would you feel bad dropping a ton of money on one kid and nothing on the other? Assuming the 2nd kid wasn't lazy or anything."

We have been down this road...it's crazy! We just tell our two that in the end everyone will have gotten their fair share. My daughter is a bit behind my son at this point (she is younger too), but we will no doubt make up for it when she has a wedding to pay for. We have a mental note about the dollars invested in each of our kids. lol No one is overly concerned.

[Deleted]

My parents didn't give me money for college because "I was pretty enough to marry a rich man and didn't need an education." I graduated HS in 1994 not 1950.... I paid for my own college and am about to start a Master's program. My DH's GI Bill will pay for that.

My older brother got college money because he was a man and needed to support a family. He dropped out after 2 semesters and now works at Wal-Mart (not that there is anything wrong with working a minimum wage job if that is what floats his boat.)

My kids will get an equal amount of money. If they want to go to a school that is above what we have set aside for them then they have to find a way to pay for it. We have 4 kids and can only afford a certain amount of money a year.

[Deleted]

The issue isn't about being able to afford for ds to go to MIT, it's about us paying that kind of money for his education and then not spending any money on his brothers. KWIM?

I'm not sure you got Shandenoah's point. What she means is, if your son gets into MIT, since schools like that have a huge amount of money, it could actually be cheaper for you to send your son there than to a state school. If MIT wants him, he could end up with a full ride.

If your other son wants to go into the military, sorry, I don't know much about that. But surely there are some "hidden" costs there too?

I always tell my kids (I have four), fair is getting what you need, when you need it.

Obviously I try to keep things equal. Globally, not necessarily to the penny. I would definitely keep a mental record, and try to make things equal over time, but that would be in my head, and certainly not come from the kids.

[moxie]

"I would definitely keep a mental record, and try to make things equal over time, but that would be in my head, not any sense of entitlement on the part of the kids."

Exactly.

[Sum Dum Gai]

If your other son wants to go into the military, sorry, I don't know much about that. But surely there are some "hidden" costs there too?

Not really. Unless the kid wants to go in as an officer, then they need to finish an undergrad degree first. If they enlist the military covers everything. Even the bus/plane ride down to MEPS for the ASVAB and health screen.

[Deleted]

Ok, I get to absolutely disagree. I told my kids when they were little that there was one part of communism that I subscribed to--each according to their ability, each according to their need. When my son would complain because he had two pairs of shoes (nice ones and athletic ones) and his sister had seven, I trotted out that line. Of course, it helped that he wanted us to PAY him the difference between what his sister had and what he got . . . he didn't actually want more SHOES.

When they went to college, she had a nice scholarship, but we had to pay room-and-board. When he went to college, he got a National Merit free ride plus $2,000. He asked if he could have the cash equivalent of what we gave his sister. We said, "Dream on."

Never for a minute did I (or do I now) think my son thought he was being treated unfairly. They both got what they needed to a generous extent. But his grandparents were so "equal" to the point of writing a check if one grandchild's present was $10 more than another. We taught them to laugh at that, but that was definitely the source of his silliness.

[Deleted]

Thanks, Dark. In that case, I'd probably keep some money back for him? Although they are so young, who knows where they will end up?!

For all the OP knows, her older son's education will cost her exactly the same amount as her second son's.

I get planning, but these kids are REALLY young! Decide on what your principles are, and accept to be somewhat flexible over the next 10 years.

Dark, I just thought of one "hidden" cost ... flying out to see her DS2? But then again maybe they'll need to fly out to MIT too?!

OP, you get the point! You can plan, but you may have to redo those plans several times over in the next 10-15 years.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Dark, I just thought of one "hidden" cost ... flying out to see her DS2?

You mean the OP flying out to visit her son while he's in the military? I wouldn't really consider that a cost of him joining the military. Even if he goes to school locally, or stops school after high school and goes to work, he might not choose to stay in the same area forever.

Besides, the kid will get 30 days of leave a year, and he can take MAC flights for like $10. He could come visit her with his own money, since he'll start drawing a paycheck from day one of basic training. The kid going to MIT would probably have a harder time coming home to visit mom, so that cost would probably be higher for the college bound kid too.

[lynnerself]

May 9, 2012 18:04:34 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

Ok, I get to absolutely disagree. I told my kids when they were little that there was one part of communism that I subscribed to--each according to their ability, each according to their need. When my son would complain because he had two pairs of shoes (nice ones and athletic ones) and his sister had seven, I trotted out that line. Of course, it helped that he wanted us to PAY him the difference between what his sister had and what he got . . . he didn't actually want more SHOES.

My kids got what they needed that I could afford. One may get more for college. One may get more for a wedding. And they better look at them as all gifts. Not like we owe them any of them.
FYI
DD had like 8 pairs of cheap shoes. DS would own 2 very expensive athletic ones. It all works out.

[DVM gone riding]

so I was the only college bound kid out of three and my lucky parents got to do it for EIGHT years straight with me but I knew going in that they were going to contribute NOTHING to my tuition--and they didn't. That doesn't mean college didn't still cost them for me.

one of my roommates parents ended up not having to pay a dime for her undergrad--in exchange they paid for grad school in full. Her siblings didn't get that offer. You find ways to make it fairish but I might balk-ie refuse to pay full price for a very pricey school if I thought my kid could do well at a cheaper school--or tell them they could go but I am only paying "X"

Just don't go "well we will figure something out" and two years in have that be selling your house or stopping school or something extreme like that

[Cookies Galore]

May 9, 2012 14:46:25 GMT -5 quotequeen said:

I don't have or plan on having kids, but if I did, I would pay for them to go to whatever college they chose and not worry about it. I don't think things necessarily have to be equal to be fair.

My sister went to a pricey private school, I went to a state-related school, and my brother went to a straight-up state school. We all took out loans, but my Dad also contributed enough money to all of us to ensure our student loan burden wasn't insane (and thanks, Dad, I'm almost done paying!). I wanted to go to the school I chose, why the frig would it matter to me that my sister went to School X when I honestly wanted to go to School Y? I've always been a very "what's in it for me?" kind of person, so as long as I was happy then I didn't care about "fair" with my siblings.