mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Nov 22, 2011 18:59:27 GMT -5
As everyone has heard by now, DGM died on the 12th. The plan was for DM to stay in her house until we could get her into her own apartment and the mortgage and basic utilities be paid from the estate. Well, the state said the executors can't do that even though that's what DGM wanted. SO-
DB (the non-rent-paying disrespectful deadbeat) has been given until Jan. 1 to get out (sooner if we follow the rest of the plan sooner)
DM will be moving in with me by Jan. 1 or as soon as we have inventoried the entire house. We will store DMs non-essential belongings at the house until her apartment opens or put it in storage and cut the utilities to bare minimum so they can be paid from the estate (we can keep the stuff there- just no people).
DM has agreed to a budget, a debt reduction plan and a diet.
DB has agreed to stay the blast out of my way.
I currently am in a 1 BR 2nd floor. I believe it would be best to wait the 6 months or so and get DM into a 1BR 1st floor. DB thinks we should go into a 2BR 1st floor- but that could be a 3 year wait- or longer.
Opinions?
BTW- Buying the house is no longer an option. The siblings will sell, but my uncle noticed additional repairs that could get quite expensive.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 22, 2011 19:07:24 GMT -5
So DB wants an extra bedroom, for him, does he? I wouldn't give him any input into your decision. Go with your gut.
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leanna
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Post by leanna on Nov 22, 2011 20:05:21 GMT -5
Mizbear,
My sympathies on the loss of your grandmother. I don't have any feedback on the moment on the housing situation.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 22, 2011 20:09:28 GMT -5
From your comments on another post it sounds like you are providing some care for DM? If so, then I think you call the shots as far as she is concerned at this point. I'd move her into your place & line up her 1BR,1BA close by. I would not make a long term plan of living together with mom if you can be close enough for care but have your own spaces.
On another note - why is the state getting a vote on the situation? Is that just a nice way for the beneficiaries to say they don't want someone cluttering up a house they want to sell? Is her estate insolvent, so the state/probate judge is directing activities? I don't see any reason they could not rent at a good price to DM for a short term while house is being inventoried & prepared for sale. An occupied home is less susceptible to squatters moving in.
ETA - another question: why wasn't home left to DM, or at least a partial interest? Is there a back story that suggested that would have been a bad thing to do? It is a shame that DGM didn't give life estate to DM to ensure she could stay, but she might get less stress & more enjoyment out of an apartment anyways (I know I would)
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Nov 22, 2011 23:22:45 GMT -5
DMs 1BR 1st floor would be in the same complex I am in, possibly the same section.
There is no way in Hades DB is moving in with me. I'll leave.
It wasn't the executors' decision. According to the court, even though my DGM wanted certain things paid out of the estate, the state has a pecking order for how things get paid and what it will allow to be paid. B/c DM is taking chemo, she is having my aunt write all of the estate checks. My aunt is very upset because my aunt was hoping we could get estimates on the last couple repairs and maybe find a way for me and DM to buy out the other 3 shares of the house. The estate was supposed to pay all utilities and mortgage. The state only allows this IF thehouse is not occupied according to th court. The neighborhood is very populated and we will be checking on things regularly- so squatters are not likely.
DM does get 1/4 of the sale of the house. There should not be an estate auction because there should be enough money to cover all expenses/bills an she didn't meet minimum estate size.
As far as DM staying in the house- I see 2 BIG problems with it-
1) DB- he does not pay rent, he does not clean, he does not follow house rules, etc, etc,etc AND he said if he bought the house he would "throw the b!tch out on the street because" he wasn't living with her. "If I buy a house it's for ME to live in!"
2) I will be taking care of DMs household stuff at least part time because of her being ill- which would mean I would either need to move back or something. If she is in an apartment it would be MUCH easier for me to go clean and cook for her. Also the house has steps- she has a weak leg and vertigo attacks. I would feel better if she were all on one level.
The other consideration is that DM and I get along but we have 2 separate personalities. The house would work- but we would kill each other in one of these little apartments- the 2 bedrooms aren't much bigger than my 1 bedroom.
Oh- the house- the house was paid for until this year when the town- being short on cash flow- went all through the town limits and demanded repairs or they would fine people. We put $65,000 worth of work into the house- and it's not done yet. (Plus part of that had to be used on nursing home stays because you can pay your insurance premiums but they don't cover you)
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leanna
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Post by leanna on Nov 23, 2011 17:22:07 GMT -5
A lot of the details were a bit too complicated for me to track MizBear. But I think the basic question was whether you should each have your own place or move in together. I presume there would be a financial benefit to you and your Mom moving in together. But it sounds like there would piece of mind that you each would sacrifice.
I think your plan for each of you to have your own apartments is a good idea. Any money she receives from the estate she can use for ongoing expenses. I'm presuming your Mom is not able to work, because of the chemo? And I believe you currently aren't able to. So, I don't think buying a house right now is a good idea. Best to put any money from the estate aside for things that will come up.
What's the issue with your Mom needing a budget and a debt reduction plan? Is she heavily in debt or are we just talking minor bills?
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Nov 23, 2011 19:09:34 GMT -5
leanna- Mom had to retire due to her health right after my grandfather died. She had enough leave to get her through to her early retirement date. There would be no financial benefit to me to moving in with her other than the multicar discount on my car insurance.
She needs a budget and a debt plan because she likes to spend and use credit cards irresponsibly. I will be responsible for sorting all of that mess out because I am her POA, executor, etc, etc,etc.
We are also trying to get her to sell her SUV and downsize back to the small car size she had before because DB took her vehicle a month or more ago and has not returned it. It won't be fit to drive when she gets it back. He has not had any service performed on it.
Long and short of it-
She will be broke or buried if we don't stop her now.
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leanna
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Post by leanna on Nov 23, 2011 21:23:48 GMT -5
I wish you the best MizBear in taking care of things. Sounds difficult.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 23, 2011 21:28:20 GMT -5
DMs 1BR 1st floor would be in the same complex I am in, possibly the same section. There is no way in Hades DB is moving in with me. I'll leave. 2) I will be taking care of DMs household stuff at least part time because of her being ill- which would mean I would either need to move back or something. If she is in an apartment it would be MUCH easier for me to go clean and cook for her. Also the house has steps- she has a weak leg and vertigo attacks. I would feel better if she were all on one level. The other consideration is that DM and I get along but we have 2 separate personalities. The house would work- but we would kill each other in one of these little apartments- the 2 bedrooms aren't much bigger than my 1 bedroom. Like I thought ;D 2 places in the same complex sounds ideal & I would stay on track with your plan. As for DB having the vehicle. Tell him to return it now or you'll report it as stolen. No mercy for the deadbeat that would turn his mother out - what an a$$ You've got your head on straight Miz Bear, don't let others turn you in a different direction!
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Nov 24, 2011 9:35:38 GMT -5
He has to leave by Jan.1. He has a job as a news carrier that pays good money but he is behind in his taxes and child support (did I mention he is a deadbeat). He could easily afford to pay his bills. He makes 3 times what I do. DM offered to sell him her vehicle at cost, but he swears he can't afford it. No wonder- he plays volleyball 1 night, bowls 2 or 3, and smokes or chews- and then there is the video game habit- his clothes and his new tattoo. Why would you go get a several hundred dollar tat when you are several thousand behind on your CS? Oh well. I am already sick and can't convince BF not to come over.
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bring in the new year
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Post by bring in the new year on Nov 25, 2011 16:03:41 GMT -5
As for DB having the vehicle. Tell him to return it now or you'll report it as stolen. No mercy for the deadbeat that would turn his mother out - what an a$$ You've got your head on straight Miz Bear, don't let others turn you in a different direction! He can't take care of his mother (and would turn her out) BUT he takes her car? Who has the title? If you have the title - Tell him you'll draw up a bill of sale. Either he pays it (in full) or you'll report it stolen. (You should be able to find a blank bill of sale for your state on line). Once you get it back, take it straight to a dealer. Do not let your mother waver on this. As long as it's in your possession, it will be an issue between you. If he has the title, you're out of luck. Good luck.
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DVM gone riding
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Post by DVM gone riding on Nov 26, 2011 12:59:17 GMT -5
I think you know what to do to keep your sanity and are totally on the right track. Sorry about your grandmother but I know you had some time to prepare for this even sorrier the result is your mother moving in with you!!! I know that was a source of stress before. Good luck with everything, I would get DM settled in her own apt asap, why is she even moving in with you??? DB I assume is in the house??? It sounds like he could live there if he was willing to pay the mortgage and utilities, have you seen if he would do that? Does he have an interest in the house? If he had an interest I would let him do that because then the estate isn't paying those things and it is more money for everyone, if he doesn't have an interest kick his little butt out asap!
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debinwa
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Post by debinwa on Nov 26, 2011 13:35:48 GMT -5
Mizbear: I am so sorry to hear about your DGM, and all the issues you're facing. I agree with other comments that someone who would kick his sick mother out is not someone to feel sorry for. Get that car back and just worry about taking care of your mom. You are doing the right things. I wish you the best.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Nov 26, 2011 20:33:53 GMT -5
He does not have the title for the truck. It's mom's. The reason I am moving DM in with me is to make my life easier. I am her caregiver and this makes my life easier.
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qofcc
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Post by qofcc on Nov 28, 2011 10:55:49 GMT -5
The reason I am moving DM in with me is to make my life easier. I am her caregiver and this makes my life easier.
Provided the finances would work out for your mom to live in a separate apartment but in the same complex as you, it sounds like that would make your life easier than having her in your apartment. Even if you need to care for her and will spend much of the day together, it's nice to have your own privacy. Plus if your mom is living alone, she may be entitled to assistance that she might not be if living with you. I'm not sure how old she is, but my dad now has a senior companion a few hours a week who can drive him to appointments and he had a home health aide to do the housework until a few weeks ago when they decided he's no longer eligible, so he does what he can and I spend a half day on the weekend taking him grocery shopping and doing the heavy cleaning.
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bring in the new year
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Post by bring in the new year on Nov 28, 2011 13:23:26 GMT -5
Mizbear,
I understand that your mother owns the truck. What I'm asking is who has the piece of paper (the title) physically in their possession?
Because if he has it, or if your mother kept it in the truck, be aware that all he has to do as far as I know is forge her signature and then register a new title with the DMV.
If she has it, again, talk her into selling the darn thing before it becomes a bigger mess.
BTW, I hope you're feeling better.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Nov 28, 2011 21:26:20 GMT -5
Mom keeps her title under lock and key.
Mom gets a pension and disability and is under 62. She doesn't qualify for anything. She makes "too much money" and "isn't old enough".
I run into the exact opposite problem most places with my disability- I make too little money and am too young.
There is a minimum 6 months wait to get DM into her own place here- she can't stay in DGMs house. So this has become the option. Anyway- by moving to the 2 bedroom when it becomes available, we save on a security deposit, electric deposit, etc for her. I already have all of my deposits in. We will just transfer her land line here. We are also having paperwork drawn up to protect both of us.
Really, having DM in her own separate place isn't necessarily less stress for me. I would still have to go over and cook and clean for her at least part of the time due to her chemo and I would still have to drive her around when she is on chemo. I still have to check on her. I still have to take her to all of her appointments out of town and she is actually less annoying than my current boyfriend. My mother leaves me alone when I ask her to.
I've had to look at this from all sides. And I can think of a lot worse people to have for roomates- DB, 3 ex-husbands.... (all of whom I have shared a room with). Mom and I actually shared a room before. It worked out as long as I didn't have to be to work at 4 and 5 in the morning- she hated that ;D
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Clever Username
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Post by Clever Username on Nov 29, 2011 12:25:37 GMT -5
It sounds like you are working through this.
Compartmentalize.
It's very difficult to keep all of your roles clear (and you have many). You are a sister, daughter, granddauter, executor and POA. Actually, are you the executor or is your aunt?
For example. As you mother's POA, you think your brother is damaging her car, intervene immediately. As a sister, give him a heads up. But if he ignores you, just go get the car.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Nov 29, 2011 13:38:36 GMT -5
I lucked out on the executor stuff- all 4 children were living and willing to handle their roles as executors of the will. My aunt and oldest uncle are handling the financial stuff since Mom is in chemo now and will be back in chemo about the time that everything comes out of probate. My younger uncle is being used as a worker bee- clearing stuff out that we are allowed to clear out before the appraisals. My mom is handling helping with things from her chair or the couch as she can- generally that is where I am taking over where that little clause comes in handy- I am "sorting". Because I do not "work" my aunt and uncles have entrusted me with sorting things during the week. Then when they are off work, we pack things up - my grandparents things to be appraised; those things that need to be set aside to go home with other family members, things to move to my place, etc.
My brother should be done with mom's truck today or tomorrow. I have already talked to both Mom and Brother. I have already told DM, that once she moves, he can no longer borrow her vehicle. Our car insurance will be together again and I am not willing to take that risk. She is going to try and sell her truck and downsize to a smaller vehicle. We have even considered selling her truck and then trading my car up for something larger yet still good on gas once it is paid off. She can't drive almost half the year because of her chemo, doesn't drive at night or outside of town (unless I am too sick to drive). I have also told DB that he can no longer borrow DMs vehicle so he better get a new car or make sure he finds a good mechanic- so far I have reccomended 6 mechanics to him and he isn't happy with any of them because they are too expensive and I know all of them personally. Sorry, if I can't trust my mechanic....
Where it comes to DM I am her POA and sole executor of her will.
Mom and I have a lit of everything we need to do/get done for this little project. So far, so good.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Nov 29, 2011 14:19:36 GMT -5
Miz bear,
I am sorry to hear of the loss of your Grandmother and the ensuing problems it is causing you. When I read that the State is saying your Mother and your brother have to get out by the end of December, I am left wondering if they are following the same rules a landlord would be forced to honor. I wonder if what they are trying to do is actually legal. What if your Mother goes to court and asks for the time to get into elderly housing. IME with evicting a tenant, the judges bend over backwards in favor of the tenant. If she offers to pay rent in the meantime, I would think the Judge would be on her side.
Good Luck, Glad to see your family is working together and not fighting at this point (Other than the Problem Child).
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Nov 29, 2011 18:12:41 GMT -5
bean- Where the issue lies is that where my grandmother wanted the mortgage and taxes and utilities paid out of the estate, they are saying that only the mortgage can be paid out of the estate (and possibly not even that) while DM and DB are living there. Because the house can not even be put on the market during the 6 month probate period, I suggested he split the expenses with her. He refused. So in order to protect her, we had to give them both a date to get out. It protects her financially. Since my DGM is deceased we can kick him out because he is not paying rent and never has. He also refuses to sign a rental agreement with the estate. What my DB doesn't know is that he loses his key 1/1. I keep mine to help finish getting everything in order. He also doesn't know that I have talked to our father. I know who his mechanic is, what it cost to have his car fixed, etc. He has known what it was going to cost for a week and didn't go get the car today. He WILL go get it tomorrow if I have to drive him there myself. He gets paid tonight when he goes to work. My uncle has said if he doesn't move out by 1/1 then the estate will file eviction papers with the Sherriff's office and file for collection of all utilities, etc with small claims court- noting that he has not paid any rent or attempted to move out since moving in. All proceeds will go back into the estate. Basically the lady at the Register of Wills told my aunt that if they could get DM moved out within X days that there shouldn't be a problem- but we all agree- you should get the usual 60 days. Unfortunately, since DGM died 11/12, that would only give DM 2 extra weeks. We have all the paperwork into my rental office and are just waiting for the final stuff.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Dec 2, 2011 11:08:55 GMT -5
I see. You are thinking that this will actually benefit your mother in the long run. Sorry your brother is being so uncooperative. We have more than our share of similar relatives.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Dec 2, 2011 21:26:06 GMT -5
Rental stuff has been approved. Everything is actually moving quite smoothly.
You all have been so supportive through all of this disaster with my DB and with DGMs illness and death and with DMs illness.
I can't thank you all enough.
Now we try to fit everything in the apartmen LOL.
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p8nt
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Post by p8nt on Dec 3, 2011 9:11:05 GMT -5
Mizbear, I am humbled by your kindness and compassion for your DM. You are a wonder daughter.
I can't get along with my mom for 5 minutes and because of the person she is, I have no intentions of ever taking care of her. I could not walk in your shoes for a day.
Blessings to you!
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Dec 3, 2011 9:12:18 GMT -5
I am so sorry for your loss, Mizbear.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Dec 15, 2011 1:27:56 GMT -5
GOOD NEWS! Most of DMs things should be moved in by Xmas! So should she. My Uncle J is going to handle issues with DB from here on out as one of the executors of the estate ;D My cousin and his friends helped me move some stuff around in my apartment so now DB just needs to come get this stuff or it's going to his ex or goodwill or something. Once the appraisal of goods is complete, we can divvy up the items we want amongst family and sell the rest at auction. The house gets a separate appraisal. DB has been given a date by DM to return her vehicle with A) new front tire- and new spare if applicable- since he's driving on that, B) oil change, C) service for that mileage, D) washed, cleaned, and fumigated inside and out- I caught him smoking in it- busted! He is supposed to be getting his vehicle fixed and purchasing a used one as well. The jerk went and after raising all the fuss with me about he wouldn't use this mechanic or that mechanic- went back to the one I told him to have the car checked out by a year ago when he had a problem with it. Oy Vey! The only reason DM has not taken the truck away from him is he needs it for work- he delivers newspapers- and he is already $$$$ behind in both child support and taxes. If it wasn't for the fact that my ex-SIL has that child support charged against her rent whether he pays or not- I would say lock the little SOB up- but then she never would see it. So glad this process is now moving.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 20, 2011 21:52:11 GMT -5
I am glad to see it is all coming together for you and mom. Also fantastic that family is helping with the difficult DB!! Mom is lucky to have you.
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MittenKitten
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Post by MittenKitten on Dec 24, 2011 22:06:21 GMT -5
How is all going mizbear? DB getting a clue? Hope all is going well and you have a Merry Xmas!
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Dec 25, 2011 7:37:08 GMT -5
Everyone has called a truce until after Christmas.
My aunt gave my DM a really sweet gift for XMas- in addition to the 5x7 of the watercolor of my grandmother that the funeral did- she ordered one of my grandfather too- and had a 5x7 pic from one of their church pics copied and framed for her.
DB has been told that if he doesn't get his stuff together his stuff will be counted with the estate. My one uncle has threatened to sell his baseball cards at auction LOL. I say go for it.
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dianartemis
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Post by dianartemis on Dec 27, 2011 4:51:41 GMT -5
I'm glad you're not the only one sticking to your guns RE: DB. I hope it all works out!
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