Out of control

[thyme4change]

I feel completely out of control of my life right now. When this has happened in the past, I've just focused on the areas I do have control over, and held tight until I was able to pull the out of control areas together. But now, everywhere I turn, I feel powerless. My job is insane. My kids are increasingly more independent - and I have to relinguish control to what works for them, even if it wouldn't be my choice. My health is problematic. I'm trying to take back control over something as simple as my eating habits - but with the kids being in activities that impede on dinner time, I'm always left with meals that I might not necessarily choose. The house is a mess, and I have unfinished projects. The cat is dying, and peeing and barfing daily just to remind me.

However, I did get my hair done yesterday, and I look pretty fabulous!

But really, how do I pull this back together?!

[Sharon]

Just like you have before. Pick one thing and work on it. I went through the meal thing with DD when she was in high school. I finally decided she was a teenager and just because she was going in 20 different directions didn't mean that I had to. I would fix good nutritious meals and she could warm up whatever, whenever.

If the kids are teenagers they can help with the house. DD used to get a choice, you can clean the bathrooms or you can vacuum and I want it done by Saturday evening. The job got done because she got to pick what she wanted to do and when she wanted to do it within limits.

ETA: You are a strong woman you can do this. It's hard to post and hand out halloween candy at the same time.

[Opti]

Depends what you want to accomplish. Personally I think control as most people view it is over-rated.

For example, what is so wrong with independent children? Do you really need to control them to be happy?

Short answer, learn to be happy with what is and seek to change what you can and again accept and be happy with those you can't. Look on the positive side you've still managed to feed yourself every day.

While I don't like insane jobs I'll take it off your hands if its in commutable distance from my part of reality.

[bean29]

I was frantically cleaning my house yesterday, getting ready for an energy star inspector. I cleaned my 14 yo DD's pig sty while she was trick or treating. I desperately asked my Son and his Girlfriend to dust his room. His girlfriend was actually really gung ho to help him clean up.

I am probably cross my fingers around the bend on being able to keep my house cleaner. We added quite a bit of storage in the basement, and DD sent some things downstairs. I was told to go ahead and sort through it and get rid of stuff if I wanted to. I will, but when I have time.

My 14 yo DD is a pig. She could be on one of those reality shows that showcase the worst in people. Of course my DS(ister) told me she thinks her DS is just as bad, so I guess it is just a teenager thing.

I hope your heath gets better, or at least you find Doctors that make you feel good about yourself. I am finding that I am pretty happy with my Health Care Professionals at this point in time.

I am pretty loose about what we eat in our house. Some meals are healthy balanced by some really unhealthy meals or snacks. I let my kids eat cookies and chips but we serve fruits and raw vegetables too.

I worry about the sweets, b/c Diabetes is in DH's family and he eats way more sweets now than he did when we were first married. DH will very authoritatively criticize my eating habits. I have low blood pressure, low cholesterol etc etc. He has high blood sugar, high blood pressure and High cholesterol and he wants to tell me what to eat. Teaching others good eating habits obviously works better than telling people how or what to eat.

[steff]

Over the past couple of years, I had to learn to let go and let my kiddo do his own thing with his friends. You have to trust that you've taught them the right things and let them go & show you that you did. I set Sunday as "family dinner day"...it's the only day that I'm pretty set on having a sit down family dinner. And if hubby has to work that night or kiddo is at the lake with friends, then I have to let it go. It's just not something worth making everyone miserable over, it's just something I want.

I also put some simple basic requirements out there for kiddo. If he's gonna take off with his friends, then the usual chores still have to be done before he takes off. If not, he comes home and finds something missing from his room. it's a real good system...lol He can take out the trash & empty the cat boxes before going to the football game...it's as simple as that.

[weltschmerz]

I feel completely out of control of my life right now. When this has happened in the past, I've just focused on the areas I do have control over, and held tight until I was able to pull the out of control areas together. But now, everywhere I turn, I feel powerless. My job is insane. My kids are increasingly more independent - and I have to relinguish control to what works for them, even if it wouldn't be my choice. My health is problematic. I'm trying to take back control over something as simple as my eating habits - but with the kids being in activities that impede on dinner time, I'm always left with meals that I might not necessarily choose. The house is a mess, and I have unfinished projects. The cat is dying, and peeing and barfing daily just to remind me.

----------------------------
You are in complete control. What you're dealing with sounds like regular life. You have 100% control on how you choose to deal with it and how you will let it impact you. Count your blessings. Nobody is dying, nobody is pregnant, nobody is in jail, you have a job and all the things you mentioned won't matter a bit next month. Kids are kids. They're sloppy, impulsive and eat badly. Trust me, it's par for the course. They're also testing their wings, and that means you did a good job. Don't be so hard on yourself.

[steff]

My 14 yo DD is a pig. She could be on one of those reality shows that showcase the worst in people. Of course my DS(ister) told me she thinks her DS is just as bad, so I guess it is just a teenager thing.

It's a teen thing. I'm a total neat freak & I have learned to just close my kiddo's bedroom door and let it go....it's just not something to have an epic teenager battle over IMO....

[Deleted]

Thyme.. Hi Just so you know, I'm a bit gabby.

But really, how do I pull this back together?!

Not sure how much of what you'd like to pull back together as far as those things you've name, but I would suggest your peace of mind would become priority number one to come into your control.. This is aside from demanding any externals to come into alignment before your peace of mind is realized. Some things are just going to be.

Create an eating plan and try your best to adhere to it.. If you fail to adhere, just begin again. No big deal, you just get another chance to be excited about beginning again..

Your health being problematic? As far as medical attendees tending to your physical.. Again, try your best to work hand in hand with good care givers. There's really no way around not doing so if you want the best for your physical.

Your unfinished projects? Are all of them a must do? Why? If any of them are not a must do, let them go and shorten your list to the must do's only. Line up each must-do according to priority and tackle each one, one at a time to completion.. Jumping from one task to another before completing one can sometimes make you feel overwhelmed (believe me, I know).. I know some task jump to create variety hoping not to become bored with one.. But in the end, more than not, nothing is completed..

Poor kitty. This will pass. I know I know, it's just one more thing added to your pile. I'm sorry about your kitty. I have no suggestions in that matter. I know nothing about kitty matters whatsoever.

But.... When it comes to those little cuties we bring into our worlds, who after a decade or so we begin to wonder what planet they dropped into our lives from?? I know a little about those cute little alien-like creatures of ours..

We were just like them at one time, in one way or another.. Oh gosh, do we ever not want to see our reflection in our babies, but the truth be.. It is what it is. We teach 'em.. Then we teach 'em again and hope something took root for their life journey. One thing is for sure that makes for a parent's partial peace.. We must release our children to do as we allowed ourselves to do at some point in our lives, live & learn.. For our sanity we must release and allow them to navigate through the lives they choose, make their own successes and mistakes, but make certain they know, we are just a phone call or a shoulder to lean upon, away..

Here is the great warning for parents. Do not push your children away with what you expect for your children and not consider their desires. I know I know.. Sometimes it seems some of them don't have desires. Well, if that be their case, guess who will feel the lack? They will.

You know what Thyme?.. A temporarily messy house is not the worse thing in the world and it's not some warning pointing to the end of the world.. It's just not. I love a very clean environment, but will not allow it to become a God to me that everyone has to bow to. It is nerve wrecking for all involved.. Housework will get done if you are a generally clean-up type person. A broom or cleaning cloth is never too far from those who are. Someone once said and I took it to heart from the moment I heard it spoken. "If you're going to do it yourself, keep your mouth shut!" In other words, let it be done in grace.

Relax, I say.. Now that your hair is fab.. Give those nails and toes a fab job too!

[thyme4change]

I think I misrepresented my feelings about my kids. I'm so glad they are becoming independent. I like them more now than I ever have, but now what is best for them, what is best for me and what is best for the family aren't always the same. Before, I found the balance point pretty easily, but now the decisions on who should bend and sacrifice are getting more complicated and difficult. I definitely don't want them to be all dependent and stuff.

[luckyme]

" It's a teen thing. I'm a total neat freak & I have learned to just close my kiddo's bedroom door and let it go....it's just not something to have an epic teenager battle over IMO.... "

Do you have any criteria at all? DD16 shares a bedroom w/ her 11 yr old sister, plus she has the 1/2 bath off her room, so that does get used by other family during the night if needed.

DH is a nut job w/ order. One of those, "if it isn't his way, it's wrong". He positively flips when he goes in there and there are dirty dishes, feminine products, clothes, etc. all over the floor and bathroom. I was always more relaxed, but now that DD11 is getting older, she complains as well. It has been a contentious issue as of late.

She is also suppose to be driving to school in the am, but isn't ready on time, so I end up driving. There are other kids in the car, so I can't let them be late just because she is. She is also lax w/ her school work, not failing, but only doing the basics to get by.

We are bickering a lot lately, and I don't want that to be our relationship, but am I failing in preparing her to be a responsible young adult by letting things slide?

What lines do you draw w/ teenagers? I have two more to get through after her! ;D

[steff]

Do you have any criteria at all?

Yes we do have our own limits with teens with messy rooms. Daily I tell him that all dishes have to be brought up and put into the dishwasher. I require that at least once a month he clean his bathroom. If company if coming over, the room & bathroom have to be cleaned to MY satisfaction (that will start the teen/mom bickering). He does his own laundry now, so if he wants to pick up clean clothes off the floor to wear, that's his choice.

I will say that he's an only child. He has his own bathroom that no one else uses except his friends. His bedroom & bathroom are far away from the common areas of the house. He knows not to leave his stuff all over the house, but he can toss it into his room.

His messy room was something that I had to decided that I didn't want to argue about it anymore. It's his room, his space...if he wants to leave it a mess, that's his choice as long as I don't have to see it or deal with something disgusting from his room.

[Deleted]

I can't open my daughters bedroom door because I'll barf.
It saddens me that she is so messy but I cannot control everything and that is why doors were created right?.

[Deleted]

Nov 1, 2011 17:37:51 GMT -5 @insurancegal said:

Joey, I've never admitted this on this forum before, but that very thing (the mess, not doors, LOL!) is in my top 5 reasons why I knew I never wanted kids. Growing up, my sis was a slob (still is, I love her to death, but she is and she'll admit it) and my mom was/is a boarderline hoarder (in boxes, not like on TV).

Please tell me she will grow out of it.

I have a cousin that is married to a hoarder, its scary, real scary the things this woman does. The house is pretty much just pathways now.

[Deleted]

I hear you. I don't know how people can live like that.
I'm not extreme but I feel so much more at peace when my house is tidy and things are in order.

Yes, I do every once in a while go in her room and work with her to clean. It stays clean for a few days.

[femmefatale]

Don't you love how when you tell them to clean, they're done so fast and you look and every thing is shoved under the bed or rammed in their closets? I used to do it too, is the sad part. Now I know how my Ma felt.

[Mad Dawg Wiccan]

I feel completely out of control of my life right now. When this has happened in the past, I've just focused on the areas I do have control over, and held tight until I was able to pull the out of control areas together. But now, everywhere I turn, I feel powerless. My job is insane. My kids are increasingly more independent - and I have to relinguish control to what works for them, even if it wouldn't be my choice. My health is problematic. I'm trying to take back control over something as simple as my eating habits - but with the kids being in activities that impede on dinner time, I'm always left with meals that I might not necessarily choose. The house is a mess, and I have unfinished projects. The cat is dying, and peeing and barfing daily just to remind me.

Can you delegate some of the work at your job, or make a plea to your boss for some kind of relief?
As to the house being a mess, assign chores to your kids. Unless they are very young, they should be able to help out around the house.
As for the cat, I'm a cat lover but it sounds like you need to put your cat down. Keeping it alive seems cruel to me; I know I wouldn't want to be kept alive under those conditions with no chance of getting well again.

[swamp]

Thyme could have written that post for me. When she figures it out, I hope she shares it with me. I hired a cleaning lady, the cat died, and I dropped some obligations, but I'm still not there yet.

[suesinfl]

Nov 1, 2011 18:07:11 GMT -5 @insurancegal said:

I think clothes/shoes on the floor is one thing, maybe even normal, but when dirty dishes/garbage start to stack up in their rooms.... <again, shudder>

Mine only eat in the kitchen or at the table. Clothes, shoes, school papers, are another thing.

My DD is worse than my son, but they both know that when it's time to clean they had better do it, or I will come in with large garbages and clean it for them. BTDT. They learn quickly.

[MittenKitten]

First of all Take a deep breath. I am a control freak but with a son with autism I have had to let go of a lot of that. Make more crockpot meals to simplify meal time, let them eat when the can. I know it gets crazy. Maybe find a way to unwind at night before bed. The cat will pass and you will grieve yet be relieved at the same time. The kids will grow and move out, it is hard letting them be independant but put them in God's hands and give up some of your worry. I do this often with my autistic one as he regularly comes up with ways to give me a heart attack.

Good luck with your health. If you don't like/trust your health care professionals fire them and find new. I have had to do this a few times.

I am with you sausage NO FOOD upstairs where all the bedrooms are. I don't mind the mess but rotten food I am a fairly lax at the whole house clean thing, in fact I really NEED to sweep all the dog hair out. Maybe it is more shovel.

BUT it can't be sticky and I want my counters cleaned every day (hopefully more then once) and the table before we eat.

[Artemis Windsong]

Do you have an update or is life even more crazy with Christmas?