Just venting

[Formerly SK]

I have a friend visiting...I've known her since we were infants. For most of our lives she's been thinner than me by two or so sizes (she'd be about a 10/12 and I'd be about a 16/18). Course, now that I've lost my weight in the past few years I'm much thinner...and it appears she's gained some weight. So now I'm a size 4 and I would guess she's a 16. This despite the fact she says she runs 5x/wk and thinks athleticism is so important.

So she's visiting and all I'm getting is attitude. Little backhanded comments about how I never eat, how small my breasts are, and again and again about my eating and breasts. Oh, and that my clothes look like they could fit my 5yo DD. WTF?? I mean, yes, obviously she is feeling insecure, but why make it such a big deal? Why not be happy for me instead of making comments along the lines of "muscles on women aren't very sexy."

Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest. She's going to be here for another couple days and I think those days will be LONG.

[mmhmm]

It's always disappointing when you find out the "friend" visiting is really just someone you knew once, but don't really know anymore. If this woman is going to be around for a couple more days, I'd suggest you have a little talk with her. Lay it on the line and let her know you're sick of the snarky comments and that she's violating your friendship with such remarks. Make it clear that if she cannot bring herself to accept you as you are (and herself as she is) she's welcome to exit through the same door she entered. If you don't handle it, hon, the friendship will explode anyway ... and probably in a much more volatile manner. Rather than get into an unplanned battle, it's always better to get the cards on the table so everyone knows exactly where they stand and what's expected. That way, actual decisions can be made without the necessity of acting on raw emotion presenting at an inopportune moment.

Just my opinion, but it's worked for me in similar circumstances.

[Tosh]

If you were a true friend, you would ease her insecurity by eating lots of cakes, chocolates and chips with her.

In my opinion.

[Formerly SK]

LOL Tosh!

Unfortunately, the situation is political. Her DH and my DH are best friends (talk every day). I would have ended the friendship a couple years ago but there are too many friend/family connections so it would be really awkward. Mostly I just try to make it through the day when they visit (they live five hours away).

[Tosh]

Unfortunately, the situation is political.

This is female code for " I can't stand her anymore ", now I understand, cancel my instructions.

If she is not really your friend then I suggest you increase her insecurities by flirting with her husband, trust me, she will lose weight. ;D

She will thank you in the end and you will become friends again, you may need one after your husband leaves you.

I am not very good at all this counseling business am I ?

Do you believe in God ?

[Formerly SK]

OMG...seriously thanks for the laughs! I'm feeling much better now and will be able to make it through the day. ;D

[Tosh]

OMG...seriously thanks for the laughs! I'm feeling much better now and will be able to make it through the day

My work is done here. ;D

I must return to the God thread, there are many lost souls to be saved.

Peace.

ps...size 4 is very small, do you work in the circus ?

[The J]

So she's visiting and all I'm getting is attitude. Little backhanded comments about how I never eat, how small my breasts are, and again and again about my eating and breasts. Oh, and that my clothes look like they could fit my 5yo DD. WTF?? I mean, yes, obviously she is feeling insecure, but why make it such a big deal? Why not be happy for me instead of making comments along the lines of "muscles on women aren't very sexy.

You need to snark back. "I wish I had large breasts, but now that I don't have a gut to hold them up, I'm afraid they'd just drag on the floor."

"Yeah, I really don't eat much anymore. Of course, since you're here, we can go out to eat because I won't feel bad about wasting food since you can finish it for me."

"Well, yes these are actually my daughter's clothes. I have to wear them because my size 14s (go for one size smaller than you think she wears) are big enough to fit me and DD at the same time!"

"You're right. Muscles on women aren't very sexy. I'm sure men much prefer flab."

[Formerly SK]

You need to snark back. "I wish I had large breasts, but now that I don't have a gut to hold them up, I'm afraid they'd just drag on the floor."

[Genuine GA Peach]

I would think SK had my mom visiting...except I know mom is home.

I like J's recommendation

or, if you want to be serious, just tell her, "Look, I'm sorry that you are so unhappy with yourself that you need to put me down in an effort to build your self-esteem. However, as long as we've known each other, you should realize that I'm WAY to smart to let you make me feel bad. If you want me to remain your friend you'll STFU before I show you just what a difference these muscles make."

do you have any of your old "fat clothes"? If so, offer them to her. "This is way too big for me. Would you like it? Oh. I'm sorry. There's no way you could squeeze into it."



go the southern route and just reply "Bless your heart" to all her pissy statements.

[resolution]

If she keeps giving you a hard time about small breasts, tell her that more than a mouthful is just a waste.

[mizbear]

I had a "friend" who was just the opposite. WHen I was thin and she was larger, she was a hateful, snarky B. Always tellin me I was too thin, etc,etc. Mind you I ate more than most men did. When I gained 80 lbs in 2 months when my former shrink messed with my meds, she changed her tune (she had just lost weight)- all of the sudden it was- "I can't believe how you've let yourself go".

Some people are never going to be happy unless they have someone else to be snarky at. She probably didn't say anything when you were larger because it would have been considered very rude- especially since if you are wearing a 4, you're probably close to my height or a bit shorter (5'3.5")- we girls know how little difference there can be between sizes depending on our height and our build.

She's definitely not a friend.

You all have given me the advice more than once to surround myself with people who treat me how I want to be treated and who value me and respect me. If she doesn't value you and respect you- I would make sure that when they come to visit- you're busy. Just because DH is friends with her DH- eventually he's probably going to realize what a snarky B she's being to people too.

[Genuine GA Peach]

Oct 4, 2011 9:58:15 GMT -5 resolution said:

If she keeps giving you a hard time about small breasts, tell her that more than a mouthful is just a waste.

when sis would tease me about being flat (I was only 12!!!), I told her mine would still be where they should be when we got older, and hers would be down to her knees.


and I was right

[Epiphany]

Even though your "friend" is gone by now, as someone who has been in this situation I can't emphasize enough how important it is to politely stop this behavior. Let her know that those comments are hurtful, not funny, and please stop making them. If she rolls eyes, or gossips about how sensitive you are, who cares. The important thing is to not let yourself be put down over and over again. It is is not ok to do that just because you are thin.

[thyme4change]

I agree with rljrdn. If you confront her, there is an extremely high likelihood she will either say something stupid or mean. She may roll her eyes, or say "I was just kidding" or "I can't believe you wouldn't take that as a compliment." I wouldn't get into a pissing match about it. And I wouldn't psycoanalyze her. Just say that all the comments aren't appreciated or humourous and you would appreciate it if they stopped, now, who wants to watch a movie! The situation will play itself over in her head and in days or weeks or even months she won't be so defensive and she will realize her comments were inappropriate. Likely, the situation will never be brought up again, but she might be a little kinder in the future.

[Formerly SK]

Thanks for the posts today ladies. I hadn't thought about it, but I've been kinda letting myself go in the past week or so (basically since they left). I've literally thought a few times, "I'm pretty thin...I can afford to eat that big bowl of chips." Sort of like maybe I would look better with five extra pounds. It's funny how caustic people's comments can be on your goals.

I'll definitely hit the gym tomorrow! Time to get back on the wagon.

[Genuine GA Peach]

SK, just remember that the only thing you can control is YOU. People will say whatever...you make a choice in your response. You worked hard to get to where you are, so be proud of your accomplishment.

For example, carrying anger is allowing somebody else to control you. I hate not being in control, so I work really hard not to let outside forces make me feel different about ME. It's a constant battle, but every victory makes the next fight easier.