Actually, Seriously, Vent(e)

[Artemis Windsong]

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $2,000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing...

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 250 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.


I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

[Artemis Windsong]

Post by Likerish on Miss Manners thread.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was
just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's
thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who could have
done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs
were these and what happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking
for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my
life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My bottom was
next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear
end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to
the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for
lump. Frantic that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One
morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the
flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This
was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time.
How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical
profession by myself. Women of the world wake up and smell the coffee.
That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where
they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect
someone has had a face "lifted", look again. Was it lifted from you?

I think I finally found my thighs .. and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a
really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.

ETA: WARN YOUR FRIENDS.


P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I
was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was
relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I
slept...........
Now I keep them hidden in my waistband!

[Deleted]

LOL! Thanks for the warning. I'll be on the look out. ;D

[Artemis Windsong]

You're welcome. I was just adding silliness to St. Pat's day.

[azphx1972]

Haha, those were great, thanks for sharing!