Seeking advice on the financial train wreck

[Angel!]

I don't think you are too much to blame. It was his inheritance to waste, even in community property states you would have no legal claim to the money. It is just unfortunate that you seem to be in a worse financial position after having recieved such a large inheritance.

You can't change the past you can just try to keep his stupid decisions from screwing up your life further. I would start trying to financially separate from him as much as possible. Determine if you live in a community property state because if you do, then collectors could come after you for his debts even if you weren't aware of them. You may want to speak to a lawyer about a post-nup or legal separation to make sure he can't drag you down any further.

Most important thing I can say is he won't change unless he wants to & nothing you can do will make him change. So you need to decide whether you can live with his poor financial decisions or what you need to do to keep them from impacting you. Also, don't hang on just for the children, they probably know far more than you are aware of & might actually be happier if you separate or at least protect yourself financially.

[debtheaven]

I am very sorry that this has happened to you. But now that it has, and as yourself say, you know where you stand.

"The scary part I deal with is will he do this again because it is in his nature to take risks and ask questions later. He is drawn to anything that will make him a quick buck even if it means losing."

I could not live with a man that blew my kids' college funds. The inheritance, fine, it was from his family. My kids' trust funds? That would be a no-go.

Only you can decide what you can live with, and what you cannot. But, if you stay, what will change? Will it change for the better or for worse?

Again, only you can answer these questions.

Best of luck to you.

[zibazinski]

I know. Can you even imagine STEALING from your own children? The thought makes me ill.

[busymom]

So sorry to hear of your situation. In my state too, the money would legally belong to DH. How awful to watch the inheritance disappear.
I would suggest he accompany you to counseling. If he refuses to go, then he has made the decision not to change. Then you are free to make whatever tough decision you need to make. (I'd probably show him the door, but want to give him an opportunity to change.) Sometimes we cannot change the self-destructive habits of people, so we must remove ourselves from their toxic lives, and make a new life without them.

[Firebird]

a) It was his money, so you had no say in how he spent it legally. I understand how it would be frustrating to watch him spend it all but what can you do.

How can you say this? Sure, if it was a couple thousand that would be a legitimate argument. But what kind of man would come into that much money and not use it to make life better for his family and children?

OP, to be honest, watching someone squander that much money would be a dealbreaker in my book. But you're not blameless either. I can't understand why you didn't fight harder for him to use that money responsibly. Did you not even protest when he started using up the kids' trust fund money?

Were you guys ever on the same page about money? After he's wasted a resource that could have set you guys up for life, can you still look at him the same way?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

It would be a major dealbreaker if DH blew DD's trust fund. That money is not for him it is for HER and he has no right to steal it to make up for his bad choices.

DH stands to come into quite a lot of money when his parents die. We've discussed together what we plan on doing with it. I have no right to the money legally but we are still MARRIED. Whatever decisions he makes affects me whether it is my money or not.

Separate finances will work IF you can trust your husband to keep up his share of household expenses and not run himself into the ground finanically. Could you trust him not to do that?

I can't see how you could stay married to him. I would have lost all respect for my husband, especially if he just picked up right where he left off and didn't even acknowlege his mistakes.

I cannot tell you what to do with your marriage but I would start taking as many steps as possible to protect YOUR money from him. Set up a separate checking account and send your paychecks there. Put money into the joint account as needed. You have to be able to protect yourself and the household from your DH's bad choices.

Plus if you do decide to leave this will give you money outside of joint accounts so if he decides to screw you finanically you still have a small stockpile to get by on.

[Gardening Grandma]

Set up a separate checking account and send your paychecks there. Put money into the joint account as needed. You have to be able to protect yourself and the household from your DH's bad choices.

Unless I'm mistaken, the OP indicated that she lives in a community property state. If that is indeed the case, none of these steps will protect her.
(It would be a deal breaker for me as well)

[Deleted]

Oh we also had trust accounts set up for the kids and that's also gone...

Read more: notmsnmoney.proboards.com/index.cgi?board=finance&action=display&thread=1210&page=1#ixzz1BQlxg6Ak

Isn't that illegal? I thought when you set up trusts for your children you had to prove you were using the money for their benefit and investing wisely.

[Deleted]

Jan 18, 2011 11:01:11 GMT -5 Firebird said:

a) It was his money, so you had no say in how he spent it legally. I understand how it would be frustrating to watch him spend it all but what can you do.

How can you say this? Sure, if it was a couple thousand that would be a legitimate argument. But what kind of man would come into that much money and not use it to make life better for his family and children?

But that it exactly what he did, it just did not turn out good!
He went out, fell for the hype about real estate investments, did not do his research and lost alot of money in the process...

It happens everyday in america, people starting new business and failing.

One thing remain certain: It was legally his money, all his, nothing but his and for him to do what he pleases with it.

Yes I may be different and if I were to inherit money it would be considered "our" money, and we would both have a say on how it is spent. But that is because I "want" to not because I "have" to.

And I am willing to bet that he set up the trust for his kids with the money he got... so him using it is no different than some parents taking money out of their kids college fund that they set up when they hit hard times. It is not stealing.

[zibazinski]

Sorry but I don't feel that when you are married that someone's inheritance is JUST theirs. Also, in this culture, stealing from your kids is considered wrong. We aren't talking about a 10k bequeath that might be used to fund a nice vacation but something that could have set these people up for life properly managed. He made so many bad decisions he had to steal from his children what he had put away for them. If that didn't shame him, nothing will. I couldn't be with someone I couldn't trust or respect and I don't see how anyone can.

[Deleted]

Jan 20, 2011 9:43:21 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Sorry but I don't feel that when you are married that someone's inheritance is JUST theirs. Also, in this culture, stealing from your kids is considered wrong. We aren't talking about a 10k bequeath that might be used to fund a nice vacation but something that could have set these people up for life properly managed. He made so many bad decisions he had to steal from his children what he had put away for them. If that didn't shame him, nothing will. I couldn't be with someone I couldn't trust or respect and I don't see how anyone can.

And you have a right to feel that way, and I am sure alot of people would agree with you.

But the money was HIS, nothing you can change about it. She had no claim to it, none, not even a penny.

And he did not "steal" from his children... he just used the funds that he set aside for his kids to get out of a hole. It did not turn out the way he expected and it sucks.

I am sorry but I don't see any different than some parents that had to take out some money out of their kids 529 account doing the bad economy.

Was he irresponsible? Yes
Is he a train wreck? Yes

But he did not steal from his and the money he spent/lost was his to do as he please.

[swamp]

Actually, if they were trust accounts, he did steal from the kids. He's the fiduciary of the accounts, meaning he's supposed to act in the best interests of the kids. Borrowing from it to get himself out of the hole is not in their best interests.

[zibazinski]

Doesn't matter. He is what he is and his character or lack of it just blows. I'm sorry for the OP. I can see my EX doing the same thing and that is why, among other things, he is my EX. I couldn't be with someone I couldn't trust or repect and a thief to boot.

[Angel!]

Jan 20, 2011 9:56:59 GMT -5 swamp said:

Actually, if they were trust accounts, he did steal from the kids. He's the fiduciary of the accounts, meaning he's supposed to act in the best interests of the kids. Borrowing from it to get himself out of the hole is not in their best interests.

The grantor of a trust can revoke or change the trust, a trustee cannot. Depending on how it was set up, he did not steal from his kids. It is more like the comparison cawaiu made - putting money into a 529 for your kids & then taking it out later. Not the greatest thing to do, but not illegal or actually stealing.

[swamp]

Jan 20, 2011 11:42:35 GMT -5 Angel! said:

Jan 20, 2011 9:56:59 GMT -5 swamp said:

Actually, if they were trust accounts, he did steal from the kids. He's the fiduciary of the accounts, meaning he's supposed to act in the best interests of the kids. Borrowing from it to get himself out of the hole is not in their best interests.

The grantor of a trust can revoke or change the trust, a trustee cannot. Depending on how it was set up, he did not steal from his kids. It is more like the comparison cawaiu made - putting money into a 529 for your kids & then taking it out later. Not the greatest thing to do, but not illegal or actually stealing.

I understood her post to say that someone else set up the trust, he was the trustee. If so, it's stealing. If he set up the trust account, he can revoke the trust too. It's douchebaggish, but not stealing.

[Angel!]

I understood her post to say that someone else set up the trust, he was the trustee. If so, it's stealing. If he set up the trust account, he can revoke the trust too. It's douchebaggish, but not stealing.

I assumed he set up the trust from the inheritance. But, if he was the trustee, then that is really horrible. I would hope he somehow gets caught if he stole the funds as the trustee.

[Deleted]

Jan 8, 2011 9:35:46 GMT -5 @mslinda said:

Oh we also had trust accounts set up for the kids and that's also gone....

Yep, I also thought that the husband was the grantor which is why I compared it to a parent setting aside money into a 529 account.

OP can you clarify for us?

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"I would have lost all respect for my husband, especially if he just picked up right where he left off and didn't even acknowlege his mistakes.":::...

I'm sure people told Donald Trump the same thing when he almost imploded. But he's doing fine today.

...:::"Yes I may be different and if I were to inherit money it would be considered "our" money, and we would both have a say on how it is spent. But that is because I "want" to not because I "have" to.":::...

Is your wife reading over your shoulder?

...:::"It's douchebaggish, but not stealing.":::...

Is that the legal term for it?

OK seriously, the money is gone now and arguing over what happened is like rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic instead of trying to avoid the iceberg.

OP, you've gotten some good advice going forward. You could start to set aside some "just in case" money, which you'd have to do very very VERY carefully and sneakily (and lets face it, is borderline if not downright illegal). You do have to think of yourself and your future though. Personally if I can be held liable for debts that I don't know about, then I'd have no qualms about hiding some escape money.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Any updates from mslinda? I really want to know how this one turns out.