Humor In Uniform

[privateinvestor]

During Boot Camp Training at Parris Island, SC, an 18 year old recruit came down with a bad case of pneumonia and was moved to the USN Hospital Intensive Care Ward at Beaufort, SC. While he was there this young Boot watched a patient expire. So a few minutes later, the Doctors and Corpsmen transported the deceased to the hospital morgue. Then they came back from the morgue and placed him on the same hospital gurney and covered him with a blanket. This sick recruit thought that they were about to move him to the morgue, so he sat up swearing and yelling that he wasn't dead and not ready for the morgue.
The corpsmen laughed and told him to shut up, because they were merely changing the linen and blankets on his hospital bed which was a daily task for pneumonia patients. The next day he was the butt of a lot of sick jokes by the corpsmen, so later back at his training regiment he thought the rest of Parris Island Recruit Training was a "piece of cake" compared to his stay at the USN Hospital Intensive Care Ward at Beaufort, SC.

[BeenThere...DoneThat...]

...post your expenses and maybe we can help...

[henryclay]

Thinking his son Will would enjoy seeing the reenactment of a Civil War battle, my niece's husband took the boy, to the event. But the poor child was terrified by the booming cannons. During a lull, Will's dad finally got him calmed down.
But it all came to an early end when the Confederate general hollered, "Fire at Will!"

[deziloooooo]

I was in Afghanistan speaking with a reporter as a soldier packed her things. The major came over and noticed some odd-looking pieces of cloth on her cot.

"What are you doing with all these eye patches?" he asked, lifting one up.

Taking it from him, she mumbled, "Um ... this is my thong underwear


www.crookedbrains.net/2008/02/humor-in-uniform.html

{Click on link..then scroll..some great real life pictures..some you have seen probably..but many you havent}

[henryclay]

Recon unit truism. "Never go on patrol with a leader braver than you are."

[deziloooooo]

LOL possible be one of those mantras that the troops mutter before setting out

[henryclay]

How about that!! A new marching song. "The Ballad of the Queen Berets".

[billisonboard]

henryclay, it you go to the reply screen, in the "add tags" section there is a button with a red screen that has "tube" in it. Click that then put the link between the ]['s. (you want to check that it is okay to "embed" it at the youtube site by clicking on the embed button and if there is code instead of words saying copyright you are go to go).

[deziloooooo]

Feb 14, 2011 10:07:15 GMT -5 henryclay said:

How about that!! A new marching song. "The Ballad of the Queen Berets".

Real bad, not needed..how could yo........ok funny as hell, and think , hope most gays would first be pissed...but then...laugh right along with the straights....

One thing is true...they do serve...and I am afraid they do die too, lets not forget that .

[henryclay]

Is this the way the do it in Washington today?

[henryclay]

Achmed, the dead terrorist wanted to get his citizenship so he joined the Marine Corps.

[privateinvestor]

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as

chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette ..

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.


One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really

all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.


They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and

attempt to convert it.


Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.


Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had

various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I

went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to

read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do

with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water,

sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a

lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and

confirmation.'


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next.. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both

legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he

claimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out

and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's

HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of

him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and

DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and

BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as

a lamb.. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!


The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying

in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and

monitors running in and out of him.


He was in really bad shape..


The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, .......circumcision

may not have been the best way to start."

[The Home 6]

The Sergeant Audie Murphy Club (SAMC) is a private Army organization for non-commissioned officers who have shown exemplary leadership and performance. It was named after Sergeant Audie Murphy, America's most decorated World War 2 Combat Soldier.

Having said all that...DH joined the ranks of the SAMC while in Korea. There's a big to-do, and at the end of it, one of his soldiers is supposed to introduce him as "Sergeant H., my Sergeant Audie Murphy!" Applause, applause.

Well, everything was going swimmingly until the end, when his soldier introduced him as "Sergeant H., my Sergeant Eddie Murphy!"

*crickets chirping*

[billisonboard]

This message has been deleted.

[privateinvestor]

Orville Smith, a store manager for Best Buy in Augusta, Georgia, told police he observed a male customer, later identified as Tyrone Jackson of Augusta, on surveillance cameras putting a laptop computer under his jacket... When confronted the man became irate, knocked down an employee, drew a knife and ran for the door.

Outside on the sidewalk were four Marines collecting toys for the "Toys for Tots" program. Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of the Marines, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back; the injury did not appear to be severe.

After Police and an ambulance arrived at the scene Cpl. Duggan was transported for treatment.

The subject was also transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken ankle, a broken leg, several missing teeth, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions, assorted lacerations, a broken nose and a broken jaw... injuries he sustained when he slipped and fell off of the curb after stabbing the Marine.

Now that was a well written Police report.

[henryclay]

An oldie but goodie. (With an apology to the SEALS)

RULES FOR GUNFIGHTING

U.S. Marine Corp:

1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns.

2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Your life is expensive.

3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is two misses in a row.

4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly.

5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.)

6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun, who brings a friend with a long gun.

7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.

8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and advancing.

9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on pucker factors than the inherent accuracy of the gun.

9.5 Use a gun that works EVERY TIME.

10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty.

11. Remamber, the fastest way to lose a fight is to fight fair.

12. Have a plan.

13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work.

14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.

15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect Your Ass.

16. Don't drop your guard.

17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees.

18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust, everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them).

19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.

20. The faster you finish the fight, the less you will get shot at.

21. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone and everything you meet and see.

22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.

23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation.

24. If you are forced into a gunfight with a handgun, use one the caliber of which starts with a 4.

Navy:

1. Go to Sea.

2. Send in the Marines.

3. Drink Coffee.

4. Play with your Inflatable Doll.

Army:

1. Go Back to Sleep.

2. Send in the Marines.

3. Wake up and have a Cup of Coffee.

4. Tell the General the Enemy Retreated and Couldnft be Found.

Air Force:

1. Blow the hell out of everything on the ground.

2. Send in the Marines to kill what's left.

3. Have a Cup of Coffee and wait for the Marine Recon Report.

4. Take ALL the Credit.

[henryclay]

I'm not sure this is a joke. It was in my e-mail and has so much possible reality in it that it just might be the living truth.

Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one compound. He never got further than the front gate for 5 years. Being hemmed in with 3 women for 5 years straight and no diversions, what are the odds he called the Seals himself?

[deziloooooo]

;D

[privateinvestor]

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 lb. pack on his back
15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says "This is shit."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 18 miles, and says with a smile, "This is good shit!"
A Navy Seal lies in the mud, 55 lb pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 miles to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 25 miles at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, "This really is great shit."
A Marine, up to his nose in the stinking, bug-infested mud of a swamp with a 65 lb pack on his back and a weapon in both hands after jumping from an aircraft at high altitude, into the ocean swimming 12 miles to the shore, killing several alligators to enter the swamp, then crawling 30 miles through the brush to assault an enemy camp, says, "I love this shit!"
An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned carpeted BOQ room and says

"The cable's out? What kind of shit is this?"

[jarhead1976]

Rachets #6 "The size of the you took yesterday will not be funny no matter how big it was, how much it burned, or how much it stunk." In reply..... No but color counts and its no lie when I say I shit green. Meant no disrespect to your thread . Anyone that has eaten sea rations months on end knows this is a fact.

[henryclay]

An oldie but still goodie:

Mildred, who was at one time a calendar model for swimsuits but now the 93 year old widow of a WWII veteran, was particularly despondent. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss and become a vegetated burden to anyone, she called her doctor to ask just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."
Mildred was later admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound on the keft side of her abdomen.