Hot off the presses of the five-word game thread, the full manuscript of
Rovo's Magical Adventure: Part I—a daring adventure full of Pulitzer-worthy twists, turns, and galaxy-sized plot holes.
Contributors include Lassie, Iggy, Rovo, BeenThere, diamond, spendthrift, jarhead, MDW, Artemis, Waffle, car-chick, Virgil, and many more.
Order off of amazon.com with your EE discount, and receive the hardback copy for just $69.49!
It's such a great deal, you won't even
care that characters 'Rovo', 'Virgil', and 'Iggy' are spuriously interchanged on at least three occasions.
Beat the rush and order today.
Rovo's Magical AdventureChapter 1.Rovo walked briskly along the imaginary line between boredom and a pursuit for imaginary trivia--otherwise known as a "street". Mindful of the time, he decided to cut through the crap.
"Yo! Move it, Granny!"
"Darn - tripped on my shoelace."
"That's no excuse. Move it!"
"At warp speed Mr. Sulu!"
Rovo noticed a giant cave, aka "Federal Triangle" Metro station, that was shimmering oddly. When he was grabbed from behind, the panhandler sneared, "Hey, Govna."
"Read?", said Rovo. Then he squinted to see small print, which said, "Snow Leopards Rock. We will rule the land."
Minions Virg and Rovo shrieked and they began shimmering oddly while singing Three Blind Mice. A chant couldn't save them, nor could the shimmery fireworks. The only thing that could was running into the cave.
Steeling himself, rovo dove headlong into the blackness.
Tumbling...
Tumbling...
Down into the world of magic.
When he finally stopped, he got up, dusted himself off, and said with amazement, "Someone have a bottle opener? These twist-tops aren't working."
And also, "Great Scott! I'm in a freakin' magical world and who cares about bottle openers and twist-tops!"
He saw before him a path leading him down towards a babbling brook where leopards drank. In fact, there were three, cleaning their whiskers and watching Rovo meander down the dusty trail toward their feeding grounds.
Lions and Tigers and Bears, and other assorted animals, too.
You could call it a zoo!
Oh whatever will we do?
Attach one to Virgil - CrazyGlue!
Or a smurf, who's blue?
Taking out his trusty .44, Rovo shot them all dead. They were the only three leopards in the magic land. With 100% certainty, Rovo would
never again encounter any variety of leopard.
Whistling cheerfully, Rovo continued walking until he encountered more.
We bred.
If only in Virg's head.
BLAM! DEAD! 
A waterfall loomed and was surrounded by leopards. Despite Destiny's not chasing them, they all fled.
Rovo beheld by the waterfall a beautiful woman holding a brutally slaughtered shimmery sable, which was still alive, very much so!
A miracle?
Pulling close, softly they kissed. Rovo gently reached around the sable to pet the leopard.
Virgil called out to Rovo who instantly turned and fled into a mystical forest grove, set beneath a lush emerald canopy. It was the "Forest of no L's". Nothing therewithin could contain an 'L' in it's name.
Rovo marve*ed, but was suddenly accosted by a great fema*e ogre, who wie*ded her mighty sword encrusted with dried up bits of Smurf.
"You may only pass if you embrace the Snow *eopard."
Rovo hesitated, but on*y momentari*y.
"That is c*ear*y a fox."
"It's actua**y a snow *eopard in wo*f's c*othing. I'** huff and I'** puff and I'** b*ow Virgi* down!"
Shimmeringly, Galadriel appeared... with 'L's.
"Hannon le," breathed Virgil, appreciatively.
She winked, then shimmered away.
Catching his breath, Virgil stepped out of the shadows where the beautiful leopard lurked, waiting with freshly sharpened teeth. She gently licked Virgil's face lovingly ("Virgil" being the nickname Rovo had given his 109cc chainsaw). The results were not pretty.
Regrettably, she bid him farewell but she knew that he had Alzheimer's, and wouldn't remember. Which was a real blessing to the hungry chainsaw ("BBrrrrrr!") since she'd undoubtedly return again. It was just a flesh-wound covered well by spotted fur.
"Answer me these riddles three," the ogress said to Rovo, "and you shall live.
"First,
What is your favourite color?
What is small and 'hops'?
How boxy is a Volvo?"
Rovo knew these were trick questions, albeit loosely-rhymed.
He paused to ponder the answers, but due to age-related dementia, decided, "Screw the ogress."
Pow!"There'll be none of that. But since this is PG-13,
kissing the ogress is permissible."
She pulled out breath spray and gave it to Virgil (for him; not for her). She spit out her gum and kissed Rovo deeply. Passionately. Wanting to kiss the chainsaw (it had much cleaner teeth).
After kissing Rovo passionately, she immediately passed out from heat generated by rovo's deep kiss.
It was burning passion indeed.
Retrieving her First Aid Kit, in which she kept her Z-packs, antibiotics and other necessities, she grabbed burn ointment and tossed it aside, as she was looking for the party animal he seemed to be.
"Animal?" Caught the snow leopard's sharp senses. It moved stealthily then fell down a ravine.
"Ouch! Who put that there?"
Picking up the Smurf, it threw it to the nearest cat to smack Virgil with.
Virg picked up his chainsaw but alas it wouldn't start. He scoffed from high ground, looking down at the lowly Rovo, wondering again how he'd popped out of nowhere, and for no reason.
Rovo decided that snow leopards were adorable creatures. Also, that he'd suddenly become stupid. It was time to face the Evil Queen of Whirlwinds so he could go home.
He fled to the mountains announcing: "I worship leopards" (though this was only a farce). He was distracting Virgil's attention since a long climb awaited. But the flowers were pretty, as were the tall trees, reminding Rovo of shapely legs (unlike his own stubby ones).
"That Queen of Whirlwinds is hot! I've finally reached her temple! A perky one it be!"
...where eunuchs abound, cherubs cheer, and pointy-eared Iggylings run amok.
Welcome to Whirlwind Land, we're open for business around noon. A Whirlwind can't be timed. Nor can it be tamed... just like the snow leopard that is a basket case.
"You calling Virgil a basket case?"
"Is Virgil the snow leopard?"
"Yes - but he's in denial. He's joining Snow Leopards Anonymous. The program begins with brushing up on reality: that Virgil is a snow leopard
slayer always and forever."
Rovo saw a giant blue bird descending from the temple, coming to whisk Virgil away to LeopardLand to slay all the leopards.
Another blue bird was coming to bring Rovo into the circle of compassionate leopard lovers. But Virgil ran far away unable to cope.
Poor Virgil. He ran and ran and collapsed at the feet of the beautifully radiant Leopard Queen. Her flowing robes and hair were so enchanting to snare the most hard hearted unica slayer. He surrendered to her. And vowed peace to leopards. Never to break his word.
Thusly, peace reigned evermore. Until the Leopard Queen began to discover Virgil's hatred was psycosomatic.
"Don't be a hater, Virgil," she said with a smile. "I'll heal that blackened heart with my love for you. (Or a needle and thread, whichever will do the job.)"
But, could Virgil be healed?
Love/Hate - which to choose? Virgil rides on the slash, teetering nervously on the precipice, climbing up then sliding back, struggling to grasp onto reality.
The reality is always shifting. His fate hanging by a thin thread. He must choose.
Love tastes sweet like honey and tastes of fine mead. Such was the Leopard Queen. And hate has a stench pungent - burning - numbing the senses. Would Virgil choose wisely?
Anticipation sent every cell into a tingling night sky filled with stars. As Virgil and the Leopard Queen contemplated their maddening dilemma, the heat ignited their desire to quickly escape from Leopardland.
The escape had to be carefully and secretly planned, because there was only one chance. The north star was clouded, the path dark and winding.
"Someone got a light?" Said Rovo, in his deepest voice. "I cannot see the snow leopards. Should we turn back?"
"Wait, up ahead, next to that tree. There's some movement."
Out stepped the most beautiful mountain goat. The snow leopard crouched back on its haunches then sprung forward, catching the goat by the throat. Nearly knocking it off its feet, ripping its head from its body.
Virgil, horrified by the sight, pried the goat from the leopard's jaws.
Now bloodied and hungry, Virgil sunk his teeth into the goat carcass. His thirst for blood was sated.
"What's for dessert?" Virgil pondered.
"Virgil" tore off his mask.
"It is I," cried Iggy, "I have fooled you into revealing your true nature. Now face the wrath of that herd of 60,000 bloodthirsty carnivorous goats just over there! Iggy-liggy-liggy-liggy-eee-eee-aah!"
She somersaulted and was gone.
With VirgIggy gone, Rovo was helpless against the LeopardQueen's amourous charms. He raised his eyes toward hers, completely enthralled by the soft spotted fur draped across her bare shoulders. He finally realized that the snow leopard was indeed magnificent. He would never utter another evil thought of the beautiful cats.
Virgil could finally admit that leopards can have feelings, too. He discovers that he's secretly an Uncian lover at heart.
Then, realization dawned... "Lousy Alzheimer's!" He screamed to the heavens, "Why me??? - I'm too young to go insane like this."
He fought the evil influence in his mind.
He prevailed!
He'd do the right thing: he set the nuke timer to 5:00 minutes. After that, Leopardland would be nothing but a glorious molten crater.
Time would not heal his wounds. He would feel no justice, only an empty hole where there once beat a heart.
He paused - having second thoughts.
"How did I become so cold and full of vengeance?"
Snow leopards were to blame. They had turned Rovo's heart into authoritative, cold, unfeeling steel. Virgil would fall to the same fate if he continued to wish harm to Uncians.
Now, there were only 3 minutes left on the timer. Again he must choose quickly: acceptance or his own DOOM! Or, he could get the heck outta Dodge, leaving behind the broken hearted snow leopard.
"Well," he thought, "if I disable the nuke, Iggy explodes. So what will it be?"
VirgIggy, opposed to snow leopards and opposed to being blown up, looks longingly into Virg's steely eyes.
"Please," she pleaded, "you can't really mean it! If humanity is to be spared, then so be it."
He was going to appease the leopards by offering up Iggy as a human sacrifice.
"You gotta do what you gotta do," she said with newly found vigor. She closed her eyes, then thought, "Hey, why must *I* be the one to get blown up?!? That's always secretly been a part of Virgil's evil plan. Then he could blame it on the majestic Snow Leopards."
"Say it isn't so!" Cried Iggy. She finally saw the light and realized Virgil had used her as his scapegoat in his vindictive, evil plan.
It was her final thought.
Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeee--- ....The bomb detonated, consuming all of Leopardland, the uncia, and Iggy in righteous fire.
Virgil and Rovo had meanwhile used the time Iggy had spend monologuing to escape to the surface world again. They exchanged a hearty high-five.
"How about a beer?" Asked Rovo.
"I'd love one, sir," said Virgil. "Cheers!"
THE END..."Not quite yet", called the Leopard Queen.
She had secretly hidden a pair of fertile mated leopards stashed away in a secret cave. They had bred and begat a set of twelve healthy, strong kittens. Their species would flourish again.
All was right with the world again. Nature in balance. She was joyful and serene.
"Blessed Be Leopards"
THE END
This is too violent towards animals. I no likey. But the ending was good. 
~ Friendships Are Warm ~ True Passions are Fire ~ 
That boy is good - or at least his imagination is.
