Off Topic - Status Update New Mummy

[newmummy]

Hi ladies,

This isn't exactly financially related, but I thought I'd like to let you all know that the divorce was finalized yesterday. I wasn't happy with the decree but I can figure out how to adress some of that with the attorney general's office.

So, new things like notifying creditors that I'm not responsible for certain debts, but overall it came out okay. Just thought you'd like to know.

If I actually get the cash in hand from the settlement decree, I will use that to pay for CNA school and establish a better emergency fund. I'm not counting on getting that, though, since he's already arguing about having to pay some of the child support.

Next thing is that all items in my possession are legally mine, so the giant garage sale will be going on as planned. Some things are going to go to consignment instead, maybe down with my sister since she gets better prices for things in the city. The wedding dress will be going, but I'm going to advertise it as a costume instead of a wedding dress. (It was based on an Elizabethan gown and has colours on it.) We'll see if that works.

Anyway, just thought you ladies would like to know. I didn't realize I was in an abusive relationship for years. I just kept feeling worse and worse and trying harder and harder to make things work since it must be something wrong with me. I was fat and stupid and couldn't run a household. When some of the financial information came out, too, I was in shock. I didn't realize what was going on with a few things there. (There was an additional $4000 in debt I didn't know about he'd opened in his name.) Luckily, the court assigned the credit card to him. Unfortunately, he got the house. However, he has to refinance it and pay me equity in 90 days or sell it and split anything over the mortgage 50/50. We'll see.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Hugs New Mummy, we're here for you.

Good luck on getting some of the equity and getting the bills assigned to him. I've read that creditors don't much care what the divorce decree says.

[busymom]

Sending Karma your way newmummy!

Your ex sounds like my friend's ex. (And my SIL's ex, come to think of it.) Everything was always the "woman's fault".

You survived a rough time. Give yourself some "you" time. And don't take any "carp" from him. (Sounds like you've had more than enough.)

[Martivir]

I would still advertise the wedding dress as one. Some people are looking for dresses with color and themed weddings are not uncommon. Plus you might be able to get more money for it that way. And if it doesn't sell way that you can always re-list as a costume.

And good luck!

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I only vaugely remember part of your story from the old MSN boards, but hugs to you anyhow!

I agree with still advertising it as a wedding dress, but maybe put in that it can be used as a costume for a faire as well.

My best friend had a medieval wedding, so there are couples out there looking for "theme" wedding dresses.

[rmtvbrooks]

I don't remember your story, but from what I've read on here, it sounds like it's good that you got out. I was in a similar situation. Husband was verbally abusive and terrible with money. Add to that, he was a minister, so I couldn't leave without ruining his career in addition to my marriage. Then I found out he was abusing our daughter, and that was all the excuse I needed. He left me with a financial mess, too, the biggest of which is an IRS lien that is killing my credit. He committed suicide in March (so no life insurance payout), so I'm stuck with the IRS debt since we filed jointly. I'll pay it off once probate is done and I can sell his truck.

Your last paragraph really stood out to me. I felt the SAME WAY. He made it seem like I was fat, stupid, lazy, etc. I've come to realize, with him gone, that I CAN do it on my own. I'm certainly handling the money better than he did! I at least pay my bills ON TIME. What makes these guys turn into such jerks? He wasn't verbally abusive until the last few years (out of 18), though I found out after he was gone that the financial idiocy started even before we were married; he just hid it well.

Keep your chin up, sister...you WILL make it, and you'll be all the better for it!

[Clever Username]

Please tell me you had an attorney guiding you though this, there seem to be some gaps in your financial description.

Emotionally.... good riddance. Congratulations.
But I'm just looking at numbers and laws.

"I wasn't happy with the decree but I can figure out how to adress some of that with the attorney general's office."
Divorce is a negotiation. Either you agreed to the negotiated deal or the judge divided what couldn't be agreed upon. I don't see where the attorney general would be involved in that. The time to change the deal has passed.

"new things like notifying creditors that I'm not responsible for certain debts"
I hope I'm not the first one to clarify this.
If you signed on a debt, you are still responsible for the debt. Your divorce does not unsign your name. Your divorce does not remove your liability.
I know you posted that there is some individual debt he took out. In my state, you would not be liable for these. But that is not true for all states.
What you do have is a divorce judge ordering him to perform specific actions.
I could order my preschooler to file my taxes. That doesn't mean she will or that the IRS will be happy with how she does it.
Same goes here. The only one to complain to if he doesn't follow his orders is the judge who ordered him.

"Unfortunately, he got the house."
In most cases, I'd disagree about getting the house. 90 days is quick, I hope he's got plans in motion.
This is a good stepping off point for "What if??"

What if he doesn't refi or sell.... Post decree divorce hearings to "force" him to follow the decree
What if he doesn't pay the credit card debt he's supposed to.... "Post decree divorce hearings to "force" him to follow the decree.
But don't ever forget you can't get blood out of a stone.

[muttleynfelix]

Lots of hugs.

[suesinfl]

Oh New Mommy, I'm so glad to hear an update! I've been reading your story from the old boards and I've been thinking about you. I'm glad that things are working out, you deserve a break.

Please take notice of the advice below that was given. Especially about the credit cards. BTDT because I could not prove that he forged my name. I'm still paying for things that I did not know existed. Credit card companies don't care what the judge orders.

Jul 13, 2011 12:41:50 GMT -5 Clever Username said:

Please tell me you had an attorney guiding you though this, there seem to be some gaps in your financial description.

Emotionally.... good riddance. Congratulations.
But I'm just looking at numbers and laws.

"I wasn't happy with the decree but I can figure out how to adress some of that with the attorney general's office."
Divorce is a negotiation. Either you agreed to the negotiated deal or the judge divided what couldn't be agreed upon. I don't see where the attorney general would be involved in that. The time to change the deal has passed.

"new things like notifying creditors that I'm not responsible for certain debts"
I hope I'm not the first one to clarify this.
If you signed on a debt, you are still responsible for the debt. Your divorce does not unsign your name. Your divorce does not remove your liability.
I know you posted that there is some individual debt he took out. In my state, you would not be liable for these. But that is not true for all states.
What you do have is a divorce judge ordering him to perform specific actions.
I could order my preschooler to file my taxes. That doesn't mean she will or that the IRS will be happy with how she does it.
Same goes here. The only one to complain to if he doesn't follow his orders is the judge who ordered him.

"Unfortunately, he got the house."
In most cases, I'd disagree about getting the house. 90 days is quick, I hope he's got plans in motion.
This is a good stepping off point for "What if??"

What if he doesn't refi or sell.... Post decree divorce hearings to "force" him to follow the decree
What if he doesn't pay the credit card debt he's supposed to.... "Post decree divorce hearings to "force" him to follow the decree.
But don't ever forget you can't get blood out of a stone.

[taz157]

Congrats newmummy! I wish you the best of luck with your "new" life! ;D

[NastyWoman]

Your new life started today. May it be a happy one and please heed the advice given by other regarding XH's debt.

[bean29]

New Mummy,

I remember your sorrow from the old boards and the fact that you started nursing school. I am sorry that you now realize your husband was abusive.

I have an ex husband and a divorce decree that said he was to pay 1/2 of our debt at the time we were divorced. He never did pay. I live in a marital property state. I was jointly and severally liable. Fortunately, my Mom recognized right away that the best thing for me would be to pay off the debt and put it behind me. A controlling person will use anything to control you. My ex did not pay and got off on my contacting him regarding payment, then not paying and hearing from me again. My Mom told me every time I talked to him I got upset all over again and advised me to pay off the debt and put it behind me.

I listened, and only a few years later I met and married my DH. We have been together for almost 20 years now. We have 2 children.

If your DH does not pay the debts and you find you are liable, consult an attorney, consider bankruptcy and move on with your life.

I was represented by an attorney. I don't recollect him telling me I might end up paying despite the divorce decree wording. My divorce was in 1988, the law went into effect in 1986. I think by then he would have known. He got paid long before I realized I was going to pay 100% of the debt we had. Luckily in the late 80's your debt was limited to a reasonable % of your income.

I still don't think my ex was a bad person. I think he had dependency issues. I don't think he meant to screw me. But in blaming me for his inadequacy, he was wrong, and I am better off with him in my past.

[mizbear]

HUGS. I would definitely heed the advice given by others. Presume that XH is not going to pay anything he can feasibly get out of and be prepared to assume that debt whether the court has assigned it to you or not. Make sure you keep copies of those divorce papers. Some creditors will abide by the courts decision- most will not. They don't care. If you have counsel that can help you protect yourself in anyway- seek their advice and heed it.
I would also recommend seeking legal advice as to the best way to begin handling these issues until everything straightens out. You don't need a creditor putting a lien on your wages and screwing up your CNA class because you suddenly don't have the money, etc.

[sealy]

so happy for you new you deserve to be happy.

[Sam_2.0]

New Mummy - glad to hear this chapter in your life is one that you can close. You seem to be in a much happier place with your parents & your son. The financial things will work out, even if you have to file BK. Honestly, in your case, that's what I would do. Just get it over with and start with a completely clean slate. You have tried for long enough, and put yourself through hell and back trying to pay. You have done more than most other people would even be willing to consider. I say get a completely fresh slate and start all over.

Good luck with your CNA classes!! Hopefully you can get through those quickly considering the nursing classes you already took.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

I, too, am happy you get the chance to move on.

I will support the commetns made by those who say the divorce decree is essentially useless.

My divorce decree states I was to either refinance or sell my property 24 months after the divorce finalization. It does state I get to keep all proceeds from the house, but am also respsonsible for everything.

That deadline passed almost two years ago. I have done neither the refinance nor the selling. The bank won't let me refinance, partly because my income is not enough have that mortgage and partly because the value of the house has dropped so much, it's significantly underwater. I cannot afford to sell it because of the last part. Now I do make every single payment. My xh only grumbles about it when I've lost my temper about about something he's done to the children--like not feed or bathe them.


I don't mean to be discouraging, just realistic.

Good luck!!!

[seriousthistime]

New Mummy, glad you are done with XH.

The only thing I can add is this: if you need to go the BK route, make sure everything that you might possibly be liable for (in terms of assets with him or involving him) is included. Anything you don't include is not discharged in bankruptcy so you want to make sure you don't include something just because he says he's going to pay it, or he says he has paid it. And what, if anything, does your decree and/or your lawyer say about closing joint credit cards and such? I would want to make sure that I would both let the companies know you are not responsible (though if they come after you, your divorce decree might not mean much) and that you are closing the account. He can transfer the balances to a new account in his own name if he likes. We here at the WIR know all about balance transfers, don't we? I don't believe that if you are an authorized user that you can close an account in someone else's name, but I also think that if you are an authorized user, you cannot be held liable for the debt. Can anyone confirm this?

Also, I will add that my sister had a divorce decree requiring her XH to sell their rental property and give her a specific % of the equity. She was not entitled to a share of the rents collected nor was she responsible for things like taxes, improvements, etc. He was to sell as soon as practicable. Well, there was a market downturn, he wouldn't get realistic about the price, she didn't force the issue because she was waiting for prices to come back, then they did and the property was appreciating so she didn't force the issue again, and over the years he took all the rental income, let the property fall into disrepair, and almost 20 years later she is still trying to get out of that property, which at this point is more of a liability than an asset. So keep after him on that 90 days.

And welcome back to the WIR!