Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 6, 2011 15:34:02 GMT -5
My BIL and his wife have lousy memories the last 3-4 years. It's extremely common to plan something with them and then have the forget about it. And when it's pointed out to them that they discussed it with you, they have no memory of the conversation. At all. DH and I try to follow up on verbal plans with emails. It doesn't seem to be helping any (we're going though this for Father's Day.)
My MIL seems to think that we need to call and remind them constantly about stuff, including call the day of events. I work on the assumption that a. they're adults and b. they both have loaded phones with a calendar feature and are perfectly capable of loading any appt/party into their phones.
I try to make DH do the scheduling with his family and we're pretty much on the same page on this. And my MIL is aware of my views as I wasn't exactly tactful one day when she was talking about BIL's forgetfulness ("oh, he's always been that way." I guess it's just that DH and I are once again frustrated that he invited his brother and his family to come to our house for Father's Day for dinner and then we get a phone call from MIL asking if we'd talked to BIL yet about it since he didn't know anything about it when she talked to him just before calling us. This was a few days after DH had talked to him.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 6, 2011 15:38:47 GMT -5
You have conversations with 2 people, and they both forget? Or you call one and they represent them and then that person never tells the other person?
If they both honestly forget large chunks of time, like face-to-face conversations - they should get their house checked out for a gas leak or something. Do you think they are participating in recreational activities that makes them forgetful - like pot?
I don't have the greatest memory - but I usually recall stuff when reminded.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 6, 2011 15:41:48 GMT -5
Maybe they don't want to go and are hoping someone will finally figure it out?
Let MIL call them and constantly remind them, you aren't their babysitters.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 6, 2011 16:00:38 GMT -5
You have conversations with 2 people, and they both forget? Or you call one and they represent them and then that person never tells the other person? If they both honestly forget large chunks of time, like face-to-face conversations - they should get their house checked out for a gas leak or something. Do you think they are participating in recreational activities that makes them forgetful - like pot? I don't have the greatest memory - but I usually recall stuff when reminded. Both. Last fall, DH called them and talked with his brother, with the wife hollering her thoughts to both of them. Then neither of them remembered it. The last one was DH talking to his brother. We have no way of knowing if he relayed the info to his wife or not. They're both diabetic and their DD has a lot of issues. And financially they have some issues too. Could be Drama.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 6, 2011 16:01:57 GMT -5
Maybe they just have more going on in their lives then they can handle.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 6, 2011 16:05:21 GMT -5
Maybe they just have more going on in their lives then they can handle. Probably. But how hard is it to an appt. into your phone's calendar as soon as you make it?
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 6, 2011 16:07:13 GMT -5
If you can be light-hearted, as you are making the decision say "Hey, I'll wait while you put it on your phone's calendar. You have a reputation you know." And then make sure they have a reminder set for it also - maybe 24 hours in advance.
I will say that I don't use the calendar on my phone for anything but work. Maybe they have a reason they don't use the calendar.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Jun 6, 2011 16:17:47 GMT -5
I am very forgetful. I put as much as I can on my phone's calendar and then I set reminders.
I have forgotten things people have told me. I even forget in the short term. A few years ago we were at a baseball game and DH gave me his ring to put in my purse. At the end of the game he asked for it back. I swore up and down he never gave it to me but after looking in my purse and finding it there I vaguely remembered putting it there.
We don't retrieve messages on our home phone. I think almost everyone knows to call our cell phones or text us. I still have a land line just in case the cell is not charged at home. Just about everyone we know will call the cell if they call the house and don't get an answer. I try to keep the machine turned off, but I swear it turns itself on sometimes. DD recently retrieved the messages on the house phone and they went back about 6 months. Delete Delete Delete.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 6, 2011 16:19:17 GMT -5
If you can be light-hearted, as you are making the decision say "Hey, I'll wait while you put it on your phone's calendar. You have a reputation you know." And then make sure they have a reminder set for it also - maybe 24 hours in advance. I will say that I don't use the calendar on my phone for anything but work. Maybe they have a reason they don't use the calendar. Nope, they use it. At least sometimes they do.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 6, 2011 16:21:27 GMT -5
I am very forgetful. I put as much as I can on my phone's calendar and then I set reminders. I have forgotten things people have told me. I even forget in the short term. A few years ago we were at a baseball game and DH gave me his ring to put in my purse. At the end of the game he asked for it back. I swore up and down he never gave it to me but after looking in my purse and finding it there I vaguely remembered putting it there. We don't retrieve messages on our home phone. I think almost everyone knows to call our cell phones or text us. I still have a land line just in case the cell is not charged at home. Just about everyone we know will call the cell if they call the house and don't get an answer. I try to keep the machine turned off, but I swear it turns itself on sometimes. DD recently retrieved the messages on the house phone and they went back about 6 months. Delete Delete Delete. lol.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jun 6, 2011 16:23:36 GMT -5
beth- My DB (who we all know has his own issues) shows up for 2 things in our family- funerals (because is would become his own if he didn't) and Christmas (because he figures he will get money). Outside of that, his standard response to everything is "I'm not guaranteeing anything"- even his daughters' birthday dinners. I am beginning to come to the conclusion, as much as I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, try to avoid drama and stay positive that some just like drama and negativity- if they know they will start something- they will. Try ignoring the fact they don't show a few times. Maybe BIL and wife want that attention. They'll start showing up when they don't get it or start admitting they didn't want to come in the first place. There is no shame in answering an RSVP with a "no" even if it is because you can't afford or do not care for crowds- I do it all the time.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 6, 2011 16:38:34 GMT -5
My Dad says our family plays "Holiday Chicken" - we all know we are going to do something every holiday (yes, every holiday - groundhogs day, flag day, etc. - all reasons to eat a lasagne together) but nobody invites anyone until a couple days before - and then, we see who cracks first, and they host.
I'm thinking of sending some handwritten invitations for Valentine's day this week - just to prove him wrong. LOL.
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sealy
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Post by sealy on Jun 6, 2011 19:42:30 GMT -5
IMHO I think you should stop inviting them. Maybe they don't know how to tell you they don't want to go.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jun 6, 2011 20:13:12 GMT -5
Beth, you don't say how old they are. I worked in a nursing home years ago to make some college money, and was shocked to find out that you could have strong signs of Alzheimer's before the age of 60. If they both have diabetes, and a lot of drama at home, it could be they are rather distracted by everything else going on too. And, of course, as others have suggested, maybe they are not real social people & prefer not to go.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jun 6, 2011 20:59:45 GMT -5
I'll be 35 this year and avoid family gatherings at all costs- however- if you guys met my family, you would also see why I still voluntarily eat at the children's table.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 7, 2011 9:24:14 GMT -5
Ok thanks everyone. It's just really frustrating to have a conversation setting up a date/time/present with someone who will completely DENY that you had said conversation anywhere from a few days to a couple of weeks later. We do try to roll with people showing or not showing and not take it personally. My family is rather large with lots of kids/teens in sports and/or jobs so I get that people can't make stuff. And usually the stuff we're asking BIL and his family to is for DH's side only (we do joint stuff but my family has it's own system worked out for Hallmark Holidays and that rarely involves gathering as a group.) I do think they'd get pissy if we didn't invite them to Father's Day or whatever the next event will be. We'll find out soon, we didn't invite them to a vac. trip we're doing with both sets of grandparents later on this summer and I'm not sure if they know about the trip or not. I suspect they do, based on a reaction DH overheard when he was over at MIL's last week fixing their computer. As for ages, BIL is about 35 and his wife is about 40. They go play poker at least 1 night a week and often 2 or more. We used to go out with them but circumstances changed and it's really hard to do now. I do think they're fairly social but people do change.
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Post by bluecluessubtlety on Jun 7, 2011 12:28:31 GMT -5
I'd say they don't just feel like acting like adults and they don't have to based on MIL's reaction.
Invite them. No follow up. If they don't show, ignore it. I wouldn't go out of my way to send reminders and play games like that. Nor would I hold dinner or whatever else is going on. If they aren't there, more pie for everyone else. Don't waste energy on being frustrated over it.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jun 7, 2011 12:32:24 GMT -5
Has it occured to you to sit down and talk to them about it as a concerned sister? I mean - you could just ask them if they are doing it because they don't want to show up.
This board is so weird about talking to people.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Jun 7, 2011 12:51:33 GMT -5
I have the opposite problem. We're organized, punctual and schedule everything. Yet MIL insists on calling us 2 and 3 times before an event and usually once while en route to the event just to make sure we will be there. Yet this woman has never responded timely to an RSVP we've requested in the 10 years I have known her.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 7, 2011 12:57:04 GMT -5
I have the opposite problem. We're organized, punctual and schedule everything. Yet MIL insists on calling us 2 and 3 times before an event and usually once while en route to the event just to make sure we will be there. Yet this woman has never responded timely to an RSVP we've requested in the 10 years I have known her. Ins, MIL does that to us too. I suspect because she's used to having to do it for BIL and his wife. Thyme, this is DH's brother and his wife. If it was one of my siblings, I'd have talked to them already about it. I try to let DH take the lead on his family.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Jun 7, 2011 13:14:24 GMT -5
I try to let DH take the lead on his family.
Me too. My family is crazy enough to keep me busy. I can't take on their crazy too.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jun 7, 2011 18:55:09 GMT -5
lonewolf- Karma for you. That would be my family. Trying to talk usually results in yelling. And then a full blown argument. Just needs to be 2 of us in a room.
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yogiii
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Post by yogiii on Jun 8, 2011 6:29:03 GMT -5
I think the strangest stuff can insult family...one time we missed my niece's birthday (DH's side). We still mailed a card with a check. My dad had died a couple months before and my family had a trip planned to scatter his ashes where he wished. I'm kind of under the impression that people at the b-day were told DH and I were on such and such a trip (with no mention of the ashes) just based on random comments I received at the niece's b-day the next year. I really don't see any need to clarify the reason we were on this trip, but the fact that people felt the need to comment on it a year later was totally strange to me.
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Post by Deleted on Jun 18, 2011 8:08:34 GMT -5
I'm shocked that I seem to be the only person who thinks it's rude to not show up to something that I said I'd go to. I think it's also rude to not confirm or decline attendance when asked. If you know you don't want to go to something, just say that when you're asked - don't pretend like you forgot. I can understand forgetting once or twice.... but every time? Do they habitually forget other things or is it just family events? If it's just family events, they obviously don't care to attend and I wouldn't invite them anymore.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jun 18, 2011 8:55:56 GMT -5
jenny- I think it's rude too. My family knows I will not arrive for most family functions. They also know that another family member's family will show up just before bedtime and sometimes with unannounced guests. I think that's even worse, particularly since we all meet at DGMs house and her health is not the best.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jun 19, 2011 16:17:56 GMT -5
You know what? They don't want to come. They don't forget anything that is important to them so for sure, invite them, even via email, if you want, then let it go.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 20, 2011 10:13:54 GMT -5
Well, on Sat. DH was talking to his mom about what time for Sunday and I told him that anytime after 3:30 was fine. She asked if we'd told BIL and his wife that and I said I have no idea what time the email said. So DH called his brother and vmail said his mailbox was full. So I dug up his wife's number and called her. Got vmail and left a message. DH said try the landline so I did (wondering how come I was getting stuck doing the calling???) and she picked up. Told them anytime after 3:30. Told her that BIL's mailbox was full and she said yeah, he never checks it or his email or the landline. So I said that I'm done leaving messages for him. On Sunday, in the early afternoon, the phone rings, DH answers and it's BIL's wife saying that BIL was depressed/upset/practically in tears/something and they're not coming. Later on, DH is talking to his Mom about something else and he mentions that BIL and his wife aren't coming and was she bringing their daughter to our house? She said no. Around 4:30, BIL, his wife and their daughter arrive. I guess BIL was feeling better or something. I know they have a lot of medical issues going on, all 3 of them. And there's a lot of tension in that house. I honestly think all 3 of them would be better off not living with each other.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jun 20, 2011 11:55:33 GMT -5
beth- HUGS
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jun 20, 2011 12:52:15 GMT -5
Thanks. I also found out yesterday that they're no longer sharing a lot of info with MIL but I'm not sure why exactly. We were interrupted and that part of the conversation was over.
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mizbear
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Post by mizbear on Jun 20, 2011 13:52:19 GMT -5
beth- Keep the door open. I think your gut is right.
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