13-yèár-óld Challenges Bachmann on Interchanges

[Virgil Showlion]

Dissociated Press, New York

13-year-old Nonna Vent of Podunk New Hampshire is furious, and with good reason.

Despite having collected over 5000 hits on her YouTube video "BACHMANN IS A RIGHTWING WHITE TRASH FUNDAMENTALIST WHO IS TRYING TO BRAINWASH US WITH TRAFFIC INTE", Vent's requests to debate Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann on traffic interchanges have been consistently turned down or ignored by Bachmann's office.

"All the traffic doohickeys she's putting up are--surprise, surprise--cross-shaped," Vent told DP reporter Bruff Shinesmile. "That's a clear violation of church and state. When the founders put that stuff about 'shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof' in the constitution, what they obviously meant was that bible-thumping [expletive]s like Bachmann couldn't force us to drive through cross-shaped intersections."

"Traffic circles work just as well," Vent claimed.

Vent is not the first freethinker to notice congresswoman Bachmann's terrible record on traffic interchanges. In February, the Federation of Atheist Nobodies and Nonentity Youths (FANNY) published a scathing report showing how 78 of the 80 interchanges approved by Bachmann's office in 2011 were crosses or cross-shaped in nature. The report went on to show that Bachmann's office had approved plans to construct three overpasses that would convert existing straight roads into cross shapes when viewed from above.

Dr. Wade Stalottatyme, author of the FANNY report, explains, "Proven scientific models have shown that traffic circles always outnumber cross-shaped four-way intersections. The science tells us we should expect roughly three hundred traffic circles for every cross in a typical state. [Bachmann]'s ratio of 2:78 is therefore 11,000 times larger than expected. That tells you something."

Despite the body of evidence facing her, Bachmann has consistently rebuffed attempts by Vent and other freethinkers to debate her on issues such as traffic interchanges and the separation of church and state. The Lakhotan Gabbler, an organization that closely tracks obscure teenagers' bids to debate Bachmann, claims that no fewer than 16 disgruntled bloggers, middle school best-in-debate champions, and YouTube sensations have run national campaigns to bring the elusive congresswoman to the debate table. None have been successful.

"I told her we could use the right half of the gymnasium and put her name up in red construction paper," Vent stated. "All I got back was a letter saying 'no', and 'you don't even live in my state'."

Other freethinkers describe similar rejections.

"She's a coward who can't handle reality," Dr. Stalottatyme says of Bachmann. "She wants to put up her religious symbols so everyone will believe in her 'sky daddy'. She's probably never read the proven scientific literature that show atheists are on average 680% too clever not to see through her scheme."
Responding to a comment that circles are also religious symbols, Stalottatyme added, "Well maybe. But atheists don't give a [expletive] about circles."

Congresswoman Bachmann's office has refused to comment on why Vent's requests were turned down, or on how many similar requests have been denied.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

Ever wonder why the major problems we have(run away entitlements, unemployment, high taxes, bad economy, pollution, etc., etc.) are never really solved, but we spend time on irrelevant issues.

[Politically_Incorrect12]

May next they will want to ban lower case "t's" out of the alphabet since they might be mistaken for a cross.

PS Since we don't have the choices we used to have for icons on here, where is everybody going to get all these differents icons I have been seeing? Please tell me we didn't get rid of the icons because somebody took offense to them.

[billisonboard]

... The Lakhotan Gabbler, an organization that closely tracks obscure teenagers' bids to debate Bachmann, ...

Cute

[Waffle]

Virgil,

;D

Thanks for posting it. I only wish that I was talented enough to write for the disassociated press.

[Virgil Showlion]

The scary part is that some are unsure if this is genuine satire.

If ever the US reaches the point where the geometry of a traffic intersection becomes an issue of "church and state"...

[Virgil Showlion]

I admit, the story about taking down the grave markers on the highway was upsetting. I didn't think people would stoop so low.

[Deleted]

Fun thread, Virgil.
Yeah, the crosses on the highway bothered me, too, but from the thread I started here, seems I am in a minority about that..evil, evil crosses to honor fallen cops..

[rovo]

A solution to the excessive use of crosses in the highway system would be to legislate that all roadways have to run parallel. No crosses, no problems. ;D

[floridayankee]

Vent is not the first freethinker to notice congresswoman Bachmann's terrible record on traffic interchanges. In February, the Federation of Atheist Nobodies and Nonentity Youths (FANNY) published a scathing report showing how 78 of the 80 interchanges approved by Bachmann's office in 2011 were crosses or cross-shaped in nature. The report went on to show that Bachmann's office had approved plans to construct three overpasses that would convert existing straight roads into cross shapes when viewed from above.

Personally, I like to keep the rubber on the ground. Do the vehicles in MN spend a lot of time in the air?

[Virgil Showlion]

Do the vehicles in MN spend a lot of time in the air?

You're thinking of Missouri.

[floridayankee]

May 31, 2011 14:35:46 GMT -5 Virgil Showlion said:

Do the vehicles in MN spend a lot of time in the air?

You're thinking of Missouri.

I'd love to bring my bike up there to MO for a few weeks of (summer) riding. Them's some nice hilly and curvy roads up there. South FL is pretty straight and flat. Gets pretty hu-hum at times.