NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 28, 2019 10:24:13 GMT -5
Taking him off the account is not off the table but first I have to find out what would happen in the event I'm incapacitated. I don't want to get hit by a bus then have DH unable to pay bills because I'm the only holder.
Better to be smart about that stuff than reactive.
Otherwise yeah he's completely cut off. If he wants to behave like a child then he gets the same consequences I'd use with the girls.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 28, 2019 10:28:43 GMT -5
Making the accounts payable on death to him would solve the issue of him getting the accounts if you die. I wonder if there's a POA you can find online that gives him access if you're incapacitated? A quick google popped up an article that said most states have their own POA form you can find and fill out.
So it looks like it's possible if you decide to go that route.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 28, 2019 11:16:55 GMT -5
Would your death make him realize he needs to be responsible enough to pay bills with the money in the accounts? I know that's harsh, but you've been in the place with him a lot. Your untimely demise is pretty unlikely, but if I was really worried about it, I'd put my parents on the accounts to deal with short term finances in case of an emergency. Then see if I could get my life insurance put into a trust that doles out an allowance. Maybe realizing that you don't trust him to take care of his own children would be a wake up call that he needs to man up.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 28, 2019 12:13:40 GMT -5
I need to talk to my parents about that anyhow because if we both become incapacitated they are the kids guardians.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jun 28, 2019 13:03:53 GMT -5
Drama I am sorry you going through this. Can you put your DH on pre-paid card where he can't over spend but still use it for gas? Does he see his addiction habit as a problem, or does she just see what he spends it on as the promblem so feels okay moving to something else. I can see where having a trust for your girls if something happens to you would be a wise thing, vs DH having access to everything. I don't see his parents stepping in and controlling his addictions if something happens to you. It sucks but I have more confidence in my in-laws and that they would emotionally support/ keep DH functioning if something happened to me, then I do in DH.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 28, 2019 13:26:06 GMT -5
His parents likely would not but mine would.
Yes he sees his addiction habit as a problem. The issue is he didn't realize that just getting clean doesn't solve the problem. The NA guys have been really good with that, he attends weekly meetings. They explained to him that this is all connected and that if he wants it to end he's going to have to treat it all like he did getting off kratom. I was going to take his card and cut it into itty bitty bits in a fit of rage but he came home and voluntarily gave it to me before I had the chance.
I am toying with the idea of a prepaid card. Just with the two weeks I've had at work I haven't had a chance to research them. I got the card on my person for now because I didn't want to be making changes last week in a fit of rage. I think a cash diet would be better for him since can see the cash leaving his wallet.
I've been really too busy the last couple of weeks to think about all this. For the time being it has been established I don't trust him as far as I can throw him so all the money is under my control.
He has been taking care of the home front while I've been stuck at work till 6 pm or later. He did really step up to the plate with that so we're making progress. A few months ago I would have come home to complete chaos. Now he's getting the kids and making dinner so it's ready when I get home.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jun 28, 2019 13:55:12 GMT -5
I pretty much have all control of the money too. I don't have to worry about DH over spending, but the opposite. When he gets into one of his nothing matters, everything is just going to suck no matter what moods, can't do anything, things just wouldn't get paid. For him it would be more of a whats the point, it will just need to be paid next month again..... ummm yea that is kind of the way bills work and we need power and water this month too.
Glad he is getting help, and helping where he can.
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ners
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Post by ners on Jun 28, 2019 13:57:07 GMT -5
NomoreDramaQ1015 I am sorry you are going thru this. I think cash or prepaid card would be wise. I am glad he was getting dinner ready on the days you worked late.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jun 28, 2019 14:04:21 GMT -5
Listening to DH having a mini tantrum while cleaning the kitchen. He is in one of his moods didn't want to go with the girls and I to get soft pretzels at the new place that opened up. They had them for a dollar today, tomorrow is 1 scoop of ice cream for a dollar we will see if he will got with us then. But no I am not helping, I already did it some this week while he just stayed in the room all day. One day we got some good gaming in, but I am not just hanging out in there with him all day. He is annoyed by it. The girls and I stay busy and he is welcomed to join, so far this summer he has. It really has only been since Tuesday that he has been in a funk. He did mow our back yard, all postage stamp of it today too, so I think he is coming out of it. The tantrum is normally the last stage at this point I just ignore it.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Jun 28, 2019 14:04:39 GMT -5
Drama- Talk to a lawyer. If you become incapacitated, can you have your parents oversee the money?
Call me a cynic, but if something bad happens to me or someone else close to him, I fully expect my husband to relapse. (I've always expected that, though.) The only reason my husband is on joint accounts is because he's a saver. If DH had spending issues, there's no way I'd let him have access to money during high stress times.
Our wills are set up such that if DH and I both go, bil/sil get the kids, but my inlaws oversee the money. The kids will get a lot from us, plus they have their own accounts... My bil/sil will be very good to my kids and love them, but they are spenders. My ils also understand my kids' strengths and weaknesses, and would make good decisions that take those into account.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 28, 2019 14:04:56 GMT -5
Sorry NomoreDramaQ1015 that's rough. Is your husband using again? I really hope not for your sake. No he just replaced drugs with spending. The fun thing about addiction is it comes with a whole host of other problems that appear non related but is all connected to the personality type. It's not he stops drugs and we're done. Now it's all the stuff the immediate issue of using hid. Addictive personality is so much fun. Ex 2.0 was/is like that. If he's not buying alcohol or weed he's just buying shit. Carrot comes home with so much crap from his house. When we were together he used to hide all his purchase in the top shelves of the closet. It would be there forever because he just bought things to buy them...half the time he never got around to actually opening up the package. When he was trying to be fiscally responsible, he'd buy from Good Will or used stuff off of Craigslist. Still just bringing home a bunch of crap just for the sake of buying stuff.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jun 28, 2019 14:18:01 GMT -5
To curb overspending, my DH has his own account and debit card which gets an auto-transfer of $100 every other week. This way I don't have to see his random spending on games and fast food lunches. He's good with using our joint debit for gas. Every paycheck, I figure what bills are due, pay them, leave $200 in spending money, and transfer any excess to savings account. He doesn't take money out of savings because he knows that's a deal breaker for me.
Does anyone use period swimwear? DD10 is headed to sleepaway camp next week and will have her period towards the end of the week and isn't too keen on tampons. Wondering if there's an alternative.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 28, 2019 14:20:53 GMT -5
There's such a thing as period swimwear ?
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jun 28, 2019 14:48:45 GMT -5
There's such a thing as period swimwear ? Seems to be based on facebook ads - I'm skeptical so hoping someone has info.
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oped
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Post by oped on Jun 28, 2019 15:57:52 GMT -5
I use period underwear... but it would, well you rinse out... I don’t see how it would be effective or hygienic in a pool...
Let me know if you find something like that... I’d like to see how it works.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Jun 30, 2019 13:22:19 GMT -5
I need help. Is there like a 5-year-old developmental leap or something? Like 5 days before Harper turned 5, she just turned into a huge brat. There really isn't another word for it. She cranked up the attitude, the talking back, etc.
The other day, as I buckled her into her car seat after we had a great day at a local amusement park with no fights and had just finished an ice cream cone, she slapped me across the face. Later, she said it was because I said something she didn't like (I had jokingly said that I wouldn't wake her up the next time we stopped for ice cream since she was so sleepy). Unless we are wrestling or play fighting, there is no spanking/slapping going on at our house. I'm still freaking astonished at it.
I feel like a terrible mother. I know that I'm not the best - I let them get away with too much and I probably raise my voice too much - but the last two weeks have really had me questioning everything.
What can I do?
(The flip side to this situation is that starting tomorrow, I'm working from home with both girls with me all month, as our daycare provider is getting married and took the whole month of July off to finalize wedding details and then get married and honeymoon. So, while I want to revoke fun outings until Harper straightens up her act, it's not fair to Chloe or me).
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jun 30, 2019 13:58:15 GMT -5
Hugs Steph. You're not a bad mom and she's not going to be like this forever (at least not all the time).
My first go to with attitude issues are to restrict screens and increase activity.
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geenamercile
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Post by geenamercile on Jun 30, 2019 17:21:27 GMT -5
You are not a bad mom. And yes kids go through testing periods and there are transition stages around the age of 5. I would talk about the hitting, and also try and give some words that she can use next time somebody says something she doesn't like.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jun 30, 2019 20:41:25 GMT -5
One of my good friends had her baby today. I'm watching her kids at her house. Baby was born 5 hours ago, and her dh sent a pic from belly button up and said he would call later. That's all I know - dude should have at least sent me a money shot lol. Men!
It looks like a boy...a rather big boy!
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Jul 1, 2019 6:49:49 GMT -5
He called at 11. It's a girl after all LOL. Trying to get some work done before the rugrats wake up and discover mom and dad still aren't here.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Jul 1, 2019 8:44:50 GMT -5
Hey everyone... have not been posting much really busy with work and just browsing. Home front is meh ok I guess, we have not killed each other yet. Carlie is doing great, her vocabulary is improving every day and she is a little mini adult lol! I enjoy spending time with her, she can express herself so well.
She did not like swimming so after 2 sessions we decided to take a break from it till next year. Which is funny because she was doing so well that the teacher wanted to move her up to the older kids class (3-5) if she did sign up for another session. But that class is without parent assistance and my wife did not feel she was ready for that yet so we pass it up.
We signed her up for ballet, or somewhat did. They were not joking when they set those spots went quick. I was on the website at 9:05 AM and the 2 Saturday classes were gone and 1 had a waitlist so I signed up for that. I also signed up for the rest of the year till May of 2020. So she is waitlisted for the fall and good for the rest...
She is LOVING and I mean loving gymnastic. She cannot wait to go to her classes on Sundays and very excited to go. So far this summer we have been trying to find some activities to keep her busy. Also we are in trouble : she started to like "boys" at freaking 2. She has her first crush which is the little boy next door that is 4... It is innocent enough that I am not worried but lord save me! My wife was very concern at first but I told her she is 2... what is the worst that can happen?
For now if he is outside she wants to be outside too, she wants to hold his hands and follow him around like a lost little puppy. And smiling the whole time... kinda cute and worrisome. But she is also more open to playing with other kids and making "friends". Crazy story : she locked my MIL outside of the house and I think she almost had a heart attack (MIL).. while Carlie was chilling in the AC and saying hi to her. Eventually a neighbor coached Carlie on how to unlock and open the door... and when my wife came home that night she happily told her : I scared grandma today..."
Hope to check in more often and that everyone is doing well!
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 1, 2019 9:25:15 GMT -5
C turned 10 yesterday. I don't want to jinx it, but he has been so reasonable, kind, and funny lately. 9.5 was about to do me in and I know this stage won't last either, but it is very nice.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Jul 1, 2019 10:15:36 GMT -5
C turned 10 yesterday. I don't want to jinx it, but he has been so reasonable, kind, and funny lately. 9.5 was about to do me in and I know this stage won't last either, but it is very nice. I’ve heard that once they turn 10 they’re a delight from them on, so you should be good 😂
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jul 1, 2019 10:21:03 GMT -5
C turned 10 yesterday. I don't want to jinx it, but he has been so reasonable, kind, and funny lately. 9.5 was about to do me in and I know this stage won't last either, but it is very nice. I’ve heard that once they turn 10 they’re a delight from them on, so you should be good 😂 Sadly, that's not true. My daughter will be 11 next week and 10 has pretty much been a nightmare .
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 1, 2019 11:08:26 GMT -5
C turned 10 yesterday. I don't want to jinx it, but he has been so reasonable, kind, and funny lately. 9.5 was about to do me in and I know this stage won't last either, but it is very nice. I’ve heard that once they turn 10 they’re a delight from them on, so you should be good 😂 *phew* I probably posted this, but I was talking to E about puberty and how big the emotions can be and she said, "I think my emotions are going to be very loud."
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 1, 2019 11:11:20 GMT -5
I’ve heard that once they turn 10 they’re a delight from them on, so you should be good 😂 Sadly, that's not true. My daughter will be 11 next week and 10 has pretty much been a nightmare . Awww---hugs GS. Those stages really make me question my sanity. Has something happened, Is it me, is it them, have I raised a monster? Why is everyone else's kids so normal?!?
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Jul 1, 2019 11:19:39 GMT -5
To the best of my knowledge she's a great kid outside the house. She was at sleepaway Girl Scout camp last week and came home with the award for "Friendliest Camper". When I dropped her off last week I was actually relieved to have a break from her and even a couple of years ago I couldn't have imagined that feeling. I picked her up yesterday and she was pleased to see me, gave me a big hug, and was overall just lovely throughout the day. She was clearly exhausted and I told her to go to bed around 9 and things rapidly deteriorated from that point.
In general, she's grumpy, entitled, rude, and downright mean to her sister. I'm just over it but don't know what to do to make things better.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 1, 2019 13:17:25 GMT -5
You are not a bad mom. And yes kids go through testing periods and there are transition stages around the age of 5. I would talk about the hitting, and also try and give some words that she can use next time somebody says something she doesn't like. Yep. Abby has turned into the biggest douche. A couple of times I've told her I'm young enough to take her out and make another one to replace her so don't tempt me. Gwen has entered this stage where she is an ass and doesn't want anything to do with most of us but then I found out in reality she really DOES want us to pay attention to her but doesn't want to actually ask. I figured that out when she was ignoring me on the phone and Abby came up onto the couch to squeeze in between us. Gwen got really upset and said she had been sitting next to me first. And she cries at the drop of a hat. I was still playing with Barbies at 8, I was SO not prepared to start handling what seems like the beginning of PMS. She stole my make-up and did not tell me and proceeded to lose it at her friend's house so she owes me the money to replace it. Abby had a full on temper tantrum because she refused to walk to the car. So we left her in the middle of the room and headed to the car without her which resulted in another meltdown in the yard (we kept going). Urgh. Somebody remind me WHY I wanted children again?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 1, 2019 13:24:57 GMT -5
yeah, the only way to describe my 13 yo DS is "bitchy' and 11 yo DD is just disrespectful, rude, and entitled.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Jul 1, 2019 14:33:30 GMT -5
You are not a bad mom. And yes kids go through testing periods and there are transition stages around the age of 5. I would talk about the hitting, and also try and give some words that she can use next time somebody says something she doesn't like. Yep. Abby has turned into the biggest douche. A couple of times I've told her I'm young enough to take her out and make another one to replace her so don't tempt me. Gwen has entered this stage where she is an ass and doesn't want anything to do with most of us but then I found out in reality she really DOES want us to pay attention to her but doesn't want to actually ask. I figured that out when she was ignoring me on the phone and Abby came up onto the couch to squeeze in between us. Gwen got really upset and said she had been sitting next to me first. And she cries at the drop of a hat. I was still playing with Barbies at 8, I was SO not prepared to start handling what seems like the beginning of PMS. She stole my make-up and did not tell me and proceeded to lose it at her friend's house so she owes me the money to replace it. Abby had a full on temper tantrum because she refused to walk to the car. So we left her in the middle of the room and headed to the car without her which resulted in another meltdown in the yard (we kept going). Urgh. Somebody remind me WHY I wanted children again? Because that is the only way to get grandbabies and those are FUN!!!
< NastyWoman runs away and hides as fast as she can>
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