phil5185
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Post by phil5185 on Apr 18, 2011 13:59:01 GMT -5
Yeah, we could use some guys weighing in here.
It's not that Tahoe is a bad place to spend a honeymoon - it's gorgeous! That's (part of) why we're choosing to get married there. But yes, it's close. About a three-hour drive. It could depend on the guy's life experiences - eg, I've made about 300 business trips over a 35 yr period - airplanes, rental cars, hotels. If I'm sitting by the Pool in Tahoe and someone says - ""hey, let's rush to the airport, sit for 2 hrs, get shoved into a plane for another 4 hours, get a rental car in Illinois, drive in pouring rain in the dark to yet another hotel that I've never seen before" - so my answer might be different than your guy's. LOL BTW, we went to Sedona two weeks ago, nice, as always - had lunch at the Tlaquepaque micro-brewery.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2011 14:00:35 GMT -5
Okay guy weighting in...sounds like fun, but I wouldn't want it as a surprise.
A surprise honeymoon seems like a lot of added hassle/stress.
1) You have to be all sneaky. 2) Your DF doesn't get any input.
A good surprise is "Hey, I got us tickets for the game/musical/whatever tonight!"
Honeymoons/extended trips seem like the wrong time for a full out surprise. IMO, big decisions and plans should involve both parties.
But I'm one of those structured, organized, boring people, so take it for what it's worth.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Apr 18, 2011 14:11:17 GMT -5
Surprises don't equal excitement. Surprises can be very stressful and sometimes even unpleasant. I like me some excitement but I HATE surprises.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 18, 2011 14:27:08 GMT -5
Would no one actually LOVE a surprise like this? Don't worry, I've definitely decided not to spring it on DF (I want him to ENJOY his first few days of being my DH, not resent me for surprising him ;D) but I'm a little surprised *heh* that it sounds like no one would actually enjoy something like this. I suspect some of it is due to the long plane ride. But I personally would be blown away if DF did this for me. Perhaps that has to do with the fact that he's making me plan the entire wedding pretty much on my own, though
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2011 14:37:48 GMT -5
Would no one actually LOVE a surprise like this? <snip> I suspect some of it is due to the long plane ride. But I personally would be blown away if DF did this for me. No, I'd really like to know at least that a trip is coming. But DH and I are homebodies when we're not taking off to someplace exotic (we'll be on a plane to Madrid 2 weeks from now) and we genuinely enjoy hanging around the house and having home-cooked meals together, especially on the weekends. I think that either of us, being geared up for a nice quiet few days at home, would be jolted off-base by finding out that the other had surprise travel planned. Now, if DH said, "don't plan anything the weekend of X and tell your boss you'll be out Monday because I'm planning a getaway and I won't tell you anything else", I'd be thrilled.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 18, 2011 14:40:45 GMT -5
I would. Especially when we were child-free. Now that I have kids I have a lot of obligations and chores - but it would be totally worth it! I would figure it out. The laundry will be there next week, and if my husband did spring something like this on me, I'm sure he would take care of the important stuff - like who would take the kids for the weekend, and that they would have to feed the kids and stuff.
I'm also quite surprised that everyone here is so rigid.
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phil5185
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Post by phil5185 on Apr 18, 2011 14:44:45 GMT -5
But I personally would be blown away if DF did this for me. From earlier posts I know that you hate genderization But have you ever noticed how people respond to surprise birthday parties? Next time, catch the initial surprise (shock?) - you'll see the difference between happily surprised and 'not so much'.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 18, 2011 14:51:20 GMT -5
...:::"I'm surprised that so many people would be angry about the surprise, given that marriages break up because there is no excitement and just get boring.":::...
I don't think its the surprise by itself, I think it is the surprise as a honeymoon.
I could certainly see myself taking more of an active role than DF in our planning, because she is the type who can sometimes get overwhelmed by minutae. More than once she's said "we should just elope". We are by NO means looking for a big fancy ceremony and reception, but it is very important to me that some of my family and friends are present, and I will not rob them of that desire just because we want to avoid a few logistics. We are probably just going to book a hall and some simple catering and do it that way.
So I don't know whether I am the best source. As long as there is lots of bed busting hot sex on your honeymoon, a guy isn't going to care WHERE it is.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 18, 2011 14:54:48 GMT -5
No, I'd really like to know at least that a trip is coming. But DH and I are homebodies when we're not taking off to someplace exotic (we'll be on a plane to Madrid 2 weeks from now) and we genuinely enjoy hanging around the house and having home-cooked meals together, especially on the weekends. I think that either of us, being geared up for a nice quiet few days at home, would be jolted off-base by finding out that the other had surprise travel planned. Now, if DH said, "don't plan anything the weekend of X and tell your boss you'll be out Monday because I'm planning a getaway and I won't tell you anything else", I'd be thrilled. I suspect DF would react like you, because you guys sound a lot like us. We like quiet weekends at home. The reason I thought he'd be into this, among others, was that it would still be a quiet few days with just each other, only it would be in a REALLY amazing hotel room (DF loves really amazing hotel rooms). From earlier posts I know that you hate genderization I don't disagree with that, but I am very curious as to where you got that impression - I don't remember being particularly ranty on this subject at any point in the recent past. Hmm.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 18, 2011 14:58:07 GMT -5
I love the surprise if I got ahead's up. How I would pack for a trip that involves an airport is quite different from how I'd pack if we were only driving three hours. Plus I personally wouldn't like to be settled after the wedding to find out THAT DAY that I have a plane to catch in the morning.
Like Athena I would not mind if DH said "I have a trip in mind for us, it's going to involve a plane trip on X day, but I am not going to tell you WHERE we are going" then the destination would still be a surprise, but I wouldn't have my boat rocked by what to me are last minute change of plans.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 18, 2011 14:58:10 GMT -5
I would love it. ;D
I did a much quieter surprise get-away for one of our anniversaries. I called him from work saying my car had broken down, and could he come pick me up. Then drove him 3 hours into the hills to spend the night at a hot springs and then shopping the next day.
I couldn't do that now though--dh has gotten really anal over the years. He would be the one to freak out because I packed the gray jeans instead of the dark gray ones...
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 18, 2011 15:01:19 GMT -5
I could certainly see myself taking more of an active role than DF in our planning, because she is the type who can sometimes get overwhelmed by minutae. More than once she's said "we should just elope". We are by NO means looking for a big fancy ceremony and reception, but it is very important to me that some of my family and friends are present, and I will not rob them of that desire just because we want to avoid a few logistics. We are probably just going to book a hall and some simple catering and do it that way.
Good luck with that - that's exactly the point we started at, and I'm already overwhelmed ;D I really want this, so I'm not going to say that it's not important to me at all. But I have to admit that it's a LOT more work than I realized, and I'm a little squicked that DF is not willing to help me beyond what is absolutely REQUIRED of him.
The thing is that our wedding day is shaping up to be amazing. It's going to be fun, it's going to be awesome in every way. But all DF has to do is show up and enjoy it. All I have to do is... everything else. I'm planning everything and I'm also paying for everything.
And I won't say I don't mind that at all. I mind a little, but not nearly as much as I might if there weren't certain mitigating circumstances. But just be aware that you might come to resent your DF if you're paying for everything and doing all the work and she doesn't want to be involved at all.
At least you know in advance and you can prepare yourself accordingly.
So I don't know whether I am the best source. As long as there is lots of bed busting hot sex on your honeymoon, a guy isn't going to care WHERE it is.
*snicker*
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2011 15:05:20 GMT -5
Sorry to keep bending everyone's ears about my wedding (I totally promised myself I wouldn't be That Girl; FAIL, but at least it's just YM and I'm mostly anonymous here as opposed to annoying everyone around me IRL ). Anyway, as of this weekend the plan is to get married in Lake Tahoe on October 1st. We were planning to head out there on Thursday or Friday for pre-wedding stuff like the rehearsal dinner and visiting family and so forth. Then the wedding on Saturday. Sunday, we figure, will be a lot of visiting with family and friends in between waving goodbye as people take off for the airport. Originally, we were planning to then take an extra 2-3 days in Tahoe on our own (figuring that pretty much everyone would be gone by then and we could have a little time to ourselves). However, I had an idea last night - I think it would be a lot more fun to whisk DF away for a couple of days and not tell him about it until the last minute ;D There's a hotel in Illinois that we've been wanting to stay in forever called Sybaris. I can use my points to fly us out there on Monday morning and get a three-day package (this place isn't cheap but it is well within the budget I had in mind for our hotel anyway, especially considering we won't have to pay for the flights). He would need at least six days off for us to do this (Friday to Thursday) so I planned to call his boss on the sly and make sure that's cool before booking the tickets (he already told DF that he could take whatever time he needed, so I'm sure it will be). Then I'd tell him either before the wedding or right after. Any thoughts? Has anyone ever done this before? SQUEEEEE!!! I LOVE SURPRISES!!!!!! ;D
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Post by Deleted on Apr 18, 2011 15:08:27 GMT -5
As long as there is lots of bed busting hot sex on your honeymoon, a guy isn't going to care WHERE it is.I got food poisoning on the second day of our honeymoon, so that didn't happen here. All you soon-to-be newlyweds - I sincerely hope that doesn't happen to you, but pack Pepto/Immodium just in case!!!
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phil5185
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Post by phil5185 on Apr 18, 2011 15:09:08 GMT -5
I don't disagree with that, but I am very curious as to where you got that impression - I don't remember being particularly ranty on this subject at any point in the recent past. Hmm. Well, it's probably in those 735 posts - but as they said in those old calculus textbooks - "the proof is left to the reader".
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 18, 2011 15:47:31 GMT -5
...:::"But all DF has to do is show up and enjoy it. All I have to do is... everything else. I'm planning everything and I'm also paying for everything. ":::...
IMO, women need to be VERY careful what they wish for in wedding planning. I have yet to meet the guy that was involved "the ideal amount". I have seen it fall to one of the following two extremes:
1) What you are describing. Every answer he gives is "whatever you want dear". He just has to "show up". You have to really press him to make any decision, and it is clear that his "preference" is really just him trying to guess what choice YOU want, as opposed to choosing what he really wants.. You just wish he'd be involved because its your wedding and it shows how you'll work as a couple, and you cry to your friends about how he obviously doesn't care.
2) HE is "the bride". HE wants the fancy white wedding with the swans, ice sculptures, and chariot rides. He is so read up on protocol and etiquette that he'd make Miss Manners herself flustered. Meanwhile you wish you could just elope.
Now I'm sure several posters here will respond that their men were "the perfect balance"... which I've come to expect from YM whenever I say "I've never met anyone who..." so most people here are the exceptions. Think beyond these boards though (or browse theknot for a while) and I'm not so off base.
...:::"*snicker* ":::...
Whats really funny about this is I remember talking to a bride who kept pressing her groom to "choose something for her to wear on the wedding night" and he was dragging his feet. Geez... You have a hot chick here who actually WANTS to do this for you, and you frustrate her.
...:::"I called him from work saying my car had broken down, and could he come pick me up. Then drove him 3 hours into the hills to spend the night at a hot springs and then shopping the next day. ":::...
As was said, you have to take care of EVERYTHING before you spring this surprise on someone. If you have kids, or pets, or something else, it has to be wrapped up. Otherwise, your lovely partner will spend the whole time fretting about something that wasn't done, and will not appreciate your surprise.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 18, 2011 15:58:39 GMT -5
1) What you are describing. Every answer he gives is "whatever you want dear". He just has to "show up". You have to really press him to make any decision, and it is clear that his "preference" is really just him trying to guess what choice YOU want, as opposed to choosing what he really wants.. You just wish he'd be involved because its your wedding and it shows how you'll work as a couple, and you cry to your friends about how he obviously doesn't care.
For the record, I do not and have never expected him to give a damn about the color of the tablecloths. I don't care about that crap either, and I know better than to think that how much a guy cares about his wedding planning is a reflection of how much he cares about his woman.
Things I expected him to help me with included looking over the guest list to make sure the people that he wanted invited were on it the first or second time I asked him, not the eighth, because I needed a rough headcount for catering estimates, and helping me choose between two really killer reception venues because I wasn't sure what kind of vibe he wanted at the after-ceremony party.
I don't want to be a Bridezilla, but I don't think that it IS Bridezilla behavior to expect a modicum of decision-making assistance from one's partner. I'm more or less resigned now to making all the decisions myself because I'm convinced that's the way he wants it, but he better not come crying to me if he doesn't like the music we're playing at the reception ;D
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 18, 2011 16:03:06 GMT -5
Whats really funny about this is I remember talking to a bride who kept pressing her groom to "choose something for her to wear on the wedding night" and he was dragging his feet. Geez... You have a hot chick here who actually WANTS to do this for you, and you frustrate her.
Yup, that's DF ;D
By the way, I'm not really upset about any of this anymore - like I said, I was annoyed at first and part of me still is, but what I want more than anything is to do this for him, for me, and for our family. I know that I can put together an awesome party, and I feel privileged to have the resources to do so. I'm excited to have this chance - and if I'm working harder than DF to make it happen, well, I'll consider that his wedding present ;D
Hey, I just got an idea. Perhaps I'll ask DF to plan the honeymoon and surprise me. He likes planning trips. I'll give him my mileage plus information in case he needs to book flights and a dollar limit, and then let him go nuts. That way he can surprise me and I'll have something to look forward to during the weekend that I didn't have to plan.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Apr 18, 2011 16:08:42 GMT -5
My husband was awesome. He had some things that were important to him, he wanted me to be happy, but knew this was his wedding too. He helped me make decisions that I didn't want to make on my own.
It was probably "perfect" because my mom wasn't too pushy, and his parents didn't feel it was their place, and I don't have a ton of girlfriends that I was listening to, or a really opinionated sister or anything. So, we got to make pretty much all the decisions.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 18, 2011 16:26:32 GMT -5
That's one advantage - no one is pushing us any particular way, on anything (so far at least). I wonder if I give out an unfriendly "don't tell me what to do or I'll tell you to eat it" vibe. I was certainly ready to fight over the things that were really important to me. So far, not necessary.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 18, 2011 16:29:42 GMT -5
Hey, I just got an idea. Perhaps I'll ask DF to plan the honeymoon and surprise me. He likes planning trips. I'll give him my mileage plus information in case he needs to book flights and a dollar limit, and then let him go nuts. That way he can surprise me and I'll have something to look forward to during the weekend that I didn't have to plan. I really like that idea. The other thing I kept forgetting to chime in on, was that you already have a lot on your plate. I think 'bridezillas' often happen simply because their are overwhelmed. Not that that would happen to you, but you want to enjoy the day as much (probably more) than anyone else, and low(er) stress is the way to do it. ;D
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 18, 2011 19:14:11 GMT -5
Firebird, that is a great idea. That way you get the benefit of the surprise and don't have to worry about the effect a surprise will have on your DH As far as your DF's involvement (and I haven't read the whole thread, so this may have been mentioned)... is there anything about the planning that would interest him if it weren't wedding-related? E.g. is he really into food/booze/music? I gave DH carte blanche with the reception music because he likes making playlists and it was something he could do without his eyes glazing over. Same with the food. But there was no way he was even talking about centerpieces, flowers, or anything like that. ;D
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 18, 2011 19:16:02 GMT -5
I'm going to do it. I will let you all know what he says tomorrow... I'm sure you'll be waiting with bated breath ;D
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 18, 2011 19:20:50 GMT -5
Oh, and again this may have been mentioned, but it might be good to set aside an hour or two one day a week to discuss wedding planning - I think it's easy for some people to feel bombarded. If he knows it's coming, he might be able to focus a bit better
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Apr 19, 2011 10:38:49 GMT -5
He likes the idea! He was actually looking up an article about "the top 10 honeymoon locations" last night, almost like he knew it was coming.
Once he agreed, he started to get that little gleam in his eye that he always gets when he's up to something and he said, "Ooh, we could go--" I cut him off and said, "Wait, STOP! I want to be SURPRISED! Just let me know when you need the credit card." Then he grinned and stuck his tongue out at me.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Apr 19, 2011 11:39:01 GMT -5
Yay! You'll have a great time!
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Apr 19, 2011 13:18:47 GMT -5
I don't think I ever told you congrats! How exciting.
I'm not a surprise person and I would probably shoot my DH if he did that to me for our honeymoon. But we've taken a couple trips (including our honeymoon) where I only knew the town we were going to and nothing else. My cousin's IL surprised them for their honeymoon and told them just to pack for tropical weather. It turned out to be Caribean Cruise out of the NY (the wedding was in up-state NY) and my cousin adored it.
Have a great time.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Apr 19, 2011 13:44:52 GMT -5
Yay! Compromise. You get the surprise you want, and one thing off your plate. DF gets to plan something he enjoys and take some of the wedding stress off you.
I'd like to say that DH did his share of the wedding planning. He catered our reception himself, so that's certainly something. But I think my BFF/MOH would probably say that neither of us really pulled our weight. She took care of so much for me so I didn't have to stress at all. *sigh* I totally need to call her and tell her how much I love her.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2011 14:14:00 GMT -5
Good move! DH and I had only 50 people at our wedding, which simplified it considerably, and what worked for us was that he picked up a few things he really wanted to do himself. While he would have been totally apathetic about the design of the invitations, once I settled that he took over printing of those and the RSVP cards. He also did some of the food for the reception and tracked down someone to arrange the special music he wanted for the ceremony.
If the two of you can find a good division of labor for the wedding, that's a good sign for the marriage.
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kittycat
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Post by kittycat on Sept 16, 2011 21:43:44 GMT -5
I'm glad you are letting him plan the honeymoon. I had two surprise birthday trips that I hated more than anything ever. Guys, please don't surprise me with a trip again. Good luck.
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