So I'm officially divorced now...

[Firebird]

The paperwork was signed by the judge on Friday, so I'm single again for the first time in almost 12 years. Feels strange.

The good news is that Babybird's dad and I are getting along extremely well. We're actually pretty much crushing the coparenting thing - we have joint custody and 50/50 parenting time (in our state these are two completely different things, so they don't necessarily follow from one another). Babybird goes back and forth on a week by week basis, but we only live ten minutes apart so it's no big deal to trade the occasional evening or weekend, and we're pretty nice about doing that for each other when asked.

Babybird is doing well too. She honestly doesn't even seem to care much that we're not together anymore, probably due mainly to the fact that we're getting along well. She likes having two bedrooms 🤣

Any regrets? I'm sorry things came to this, and I miss my former DH, but I know in my gut that it was 100% the right decision for me, for my daughter, and even for him. I still love him very much, I'll always care about him and it's hard to accept that we're no longer the primary people in each other's lives, but we are absolutely not meant to be romantically partnered anymore.

Mostly I'm grateful that we were able to get through this process with a minimum of conflict. We had our dark days, no question, but things have been much, much better lately and I have no reason to expect that will change at any point in the near future. (We're both dating other people, but we're in full agreement that Babybird doesn't meet anyone unless it's a very serious relationship - which actually may be fairly soon for me, but that's another story.)

I know divorces can get so ugly, I feel really fortunate to be where we are, still a team and still looking out for Babybird's best interests together. And I'm also SUPER excited for the next chapter in my life.

Just wanted to share my little update with the board since many of y'all have known me since before I was married, and I posted fairly recently about my possible split. I'll do another post on the financial stuff later, but I'm still tying up loose ends on all that.

[Tennesseer]

Some folks are better off being good friends rather than being married.  Work on friendship.

[Firebird]

Aug 9, 2023 14:46:11 GMT -5 Tennesseer said:

Some folks are better off being good friends rather than being married.  Work on friendship.

It's kind of ironic. We actually get along so well, and care about each other so much, that transitioning to friendship is proving challenging. I don't have very good/appropriate boundaries with him right now 😕 I'm working on it, but it's really difficult when he's been my person (and vice versa) for so many years.

I mean, I would take this problem ANY DAY over having an ex that was vindictive and awful, but it's still super hard.

[minnesotapaintlady]

Aug 9, 2023 14:54:28 GMT -5 Firebird said:

I mean, I would take this problem ANY DAY over having an ex that was vindictive and awful, but it's still super hard.

I have both!

Well, the bad one was only awful for the first 4 or 5 years.  Now he's moved up to tolerable. 

Anyhow, I'm sorry,    and congratulations! 

[toomuchreality]

If you're happier, then I'm glad for you!

I was happier after both of my divorces.

[Firebird]

Aug 9, 2023 15:36:00 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

If you're happier, then I'm glad for you!

I was happier after both of my divorces.

Hopefully this will be it for me... one divorce feels like plenty 😄 It's hard to picture myself ever wanting to get married again, although I'm dating someone now and she's pretty damn amazing so I guess you never know!

[toomuchreality]

Aug 9, 2023 15:44:15 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Aug 9, 2023 15:36:00 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

If you're happier, then I'm glad for you!

I was happier after both of my divorces.

Hopefully this will be it for me... one divorce feels like plenty 😄 It's hard to picture myself ever wanting to get married again, although I'm dating someone now and she's pretty damn amazing so I guess you never know!

Being happy is what's important, I think.
I hope you will be/remain happy.
💕

[haapai]

Aug 9, 2023 15:44:15 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Aug 9, 2023 15:36:00 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

If you're happier, then I'm glad for you!

I was happier after both of my divorces.

Hopefully this will be it for me... one divorce feels like plenty 😄 It's hard to picture myself ever wanting to get married again, although I'm dating someone now and she's pretty damn amazing so I guess you never know!

Say that again.  I'm not sure that all of the folks here heard that hairpin drop. 

[jerseygirl]

Aug 9, 2023 16:13:46 GMT -5 haapai said:

Aug 9, 2023 15:44:15 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Hopefully this will be it for me... one divorce feels like plenty 😄 It's hard to picture myself ever wanting to get married again, although I'm dating someone now and she's pretty damn amazing so I guess you never know!

Say that again.  I'm not sure that all of the folks here heard that hairpin drop. 

Might be the reason for divorce??

[chiver78]

does the reason really matter?  would it matter as much if she was dating a guy now? 

Firebird, I wish you well. you already sound more at peace than in your previous thread. and it's good to hear that Babybird is doing well with this also. 

[haapai]

Not always.  I have plenty of bi friends who married opposite sex partners.  Usually, they were pretty upfront about being bi before they married.  Sometimes the reasons why they split had to do with one or both partner's bisexuality.  (It wasn't easy when you couldn't marry who you wanted.)  Sometime it had nothing to do with either of them being queer.  Some of them are still married.   

[Firebird]

Aug 9, 2023 16:20:28 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

does the reason really matter?  would it matter as much if she was dating a guy now? 

Firebird, I wish you well. you already sound more at peace than in your previous thread. and it's good to hear that Babybird is doing well with this also. 

Thanks for the well wishes! And yes, I'm dating a woman now. That wasn't the reason for our split (at least not the only reason for me) but it was part of the overall picture.

[Firebird]

Aug 9, 2023 16:26:39 GMT -5 haapai said:

Not always.  I have plenty of bi friends who married opposite sex partners.  Usually, they were pretty upfront about being bi before they married.  Sometimes the reasons why they split had to do with one or both partner's bisexuality.  (It wasn't easy when you couldn't marry who you wanted.)  Sometime it had nothing to do with either of them being queer.  Some of them are still married.   

This is pretty close to being our situation, except I didn't know this about myself when I got married. Figured it out five or six years in, but it wasn't an issue when we were still happily married.

We had other issues in our marriage, lots of them. This was only one.

[bean29]

Aug 9, 2023 15:59:45 GMT -5 toomuchreality said:

Aug 9, 2023 15:44:15 GMT -5 Firebird said:

Hopefully this will be it for me... one divorce feels like plenty 😄 It's hard to picture myself ever wanting to get married again, although I'm dating someone now and she's pretty damn amazing so I guess you never know!

Being happy is what's important, I think.
I hope you will be/remain happy.
💕

This.  Congratulations on the Divorce and the Successful Co-parenting plan!

[TheOtherMe]

All the best to you Firebird and to Babybird.  Happiness is most important.

[anciana]

Congratulations! and Condolences!
I’m sure it’s a whirlwind and will be still while new routines get established. Wishing all three of you all the best!

[Firebird]

Aug 9, 2023 16:46:45 GMT -5 anciana said:

Congratulations! and Condolences!
I’m sure it’s a whirlwind and will be still while new routines get established. Wishing all three of you all the best!

It's calmed down pretty significantly since FDH and I got our own apartments. He didn't think he'd be able to afford a place in town; I believed we could make it work, but it was seriously stressful and moving out of the house we shared into two separate places (plus storage) was approximately zero percent fun.

In hindsight, we have actually been able to make this process unfold pretty quickly - we separated in November of last year, made the final decision to divorce in February, and here we are. I know well that it can take much, much longer than nine months. But it sure felt like forever while it was happening.

I'm quite glad to have the hard part mostly behind us and I really, really love my new apartment 😊

[raeoflyte]

Very happy for you and excited for your adventures ahead.

[giramomma]

Kudos to you for being your own best advocate and finding a new path that honors who you are.

I think most definitely the long term benefits outweigh the short term bumps.

[finnime]

Glad to hear you're in a good place and that Babybird is happy, too.

[wvugurl26]

I'm glad the divorce and moving went as smoothly as those things can go. And kudos to you for having the courage to take those hard steps.

[resolution]

I'm sorry that things worked out this way, but it sounds like you have really worked to make the best of things. I hope that the co-parenting continues to go smoothly and glad that you were both able to afford places nearby.

You have been through a ton of changes within the past year, so hopefully you can enjoy the new relationship without making any long term commitments until you have had a little time to recover from all the recent changes.

[Firebird]

Aug 10, 2023 8:31:28 GMT -5 resolution said:

I'm sorry that things worked out this way, but it sounds like you have really worked to make the best of things. I hope that the co-parenting continues to go smoothly and glad that you were both able to afford places nearby.

You have been through a ton of changes within the past year, so hopefully you can enjoy the new relationship without making any long term commitments until you have had a little time to recover from all the recent changes.

That's the goal but, as usual, it's like you're looking directly into my brain and finding my most recent source of conflict 🤣🤣🤣

(It's a nice problem to have, for a change.)

[NancysSummerSip]

I am sorry that it happened, but glad you and Babybird are in a good and safe and secure place.