Are You Sleep Divorced?

[daisylu]

I was reading  this article and could see why some people need to sleep apart from their partner, but I imagined the numbers would be skewed more towards older people sleeping separately. I am Gen X and if DH does not play footsies with me in his sleep it is an existential crisis in my mind. 


More than a third of Americans say they occasionally or consistently sleep in another room from their partner, according to a survey from the American Academy of Sleep Medicine.



The practice of sleeping separately known as a "sleep divorce," and is meant to help you fall asleep and stay asleep without disruptions such as snoring, stolen covers or early alarms.



"We know that poor sleep can worsen your mood, and those who are sleep deprived are more likely to argue with their partners. There may be some resentment toward the person causing the sleep disruption which can negatively impact relationships," Dr. Seema Khosla, a pulmonologist and spokesperson for the AASM, said in a news release Monday. "Getting a good night's sleep is important for both health and happiness, so it's no surprise that some couples choose to sleep apart for their overall well-being."



The group's survey of 2,005 adults in the U.S. found that 43% of millennials engage in sleep divorce, followed by 33% of those in Generation X, 28% of those in Generation Z and 22% of baby boomers.


Do you sleep apart from your SO?
  

[wvugurl26]

It is super tempting at times. DH claims he sleeps better when I'm in the bed with him. Unfortunately I can't say the same. I will say if we end up in a hotel room with 2 queen beds we usually each take a bed.

[billisonboard]

We always start in the same bed but a couple times a week I am asked to go sleep in the other room. I am told I make loud noises some nights. 

[daisylu]

Jul 13, 2023 7:56:17 GMT -5 wvugurl26 said:

It is super tempting at times. DH claims he sleeps better when I'm in the bed with him. Unfortunately I can't say the same. I will say if we end up in a hotel room with 2 queen beds we usually each take a bed.

We will too, but mostly because DH is 6'4" with an 8' wing span. I am adept at dodging elbows in our king sized bed not going to fight in a queen if another is available. I still try to avoid queen bed situations, if possible, which sometimes makes it difficult to get schedule vacations. Most sites have filters for almost everything under the sun, except bed size. It is irritating.

[tractor]

We still share the same bed, but to be fair, when she's gone I get to "starfish" in the middle of the bed and have the best sleep ever! I can see the benefit of having separate beds, as long as you can still get together and fulfill your marital obligations two-three time a week..

[giramomma]

Sort of?

I don't really sleep much anymore.

It's better if I fall asleep watching tv. So, that's my MO. DH goes to bed. I fall asleep watching tv. Then I usually wake up and go to bed, anywhere between 12 and 3.

The missy comes into our bed at some point and sleeps between us.

So. No. we don't spend our time in separate rooms.

But, we also don't sleep together either.

[giramomma]

Jul 13, 2023 8:07:29 GMT -5 tractor said:

We still share the same bed, but to be fair, when she's gone I get to "starfish" in the middle of the bed and have the best sleep ever! I can see the benefit of having separate beds, as long as you can still get together and fulfill your marital obligations two-three time a week..

Ummmm....huh.

It's 2023. I thought we moved beyond that sort of thinking.

[wvugurl26]

When I'm booking hotels I do try to get a king bed but sometimes it's not available. For the wedding we went to in May I got the last room in the immediate family block and my only option was 2 queens. I was over having to call to book anyway and I just wanted it done.

[billisonboard]

Jul 13, 2023 8:09:38 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jul 13, 2023 8:07:29 GMT -5 tractor said:

We still share the same bed, but to be fair, when she's gone I get to "starfish" in the middle of the bed and have the best sleep ever! I can see the benefit of having separate beds, as long as you can still get together and fulfill your marital obligations two-three time a week..

Ummmm....huh.

It's 2023. I thought we moved beyond that sort of thinking.

With no kids in the house and minimal work schedules, we rarely fuck at night.

[giramomma]

Jul 13, 2023 8:37:59 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Jul 13, 2023 8:09:38 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Ummmm....huh.

It's 2023. I thought we moved beyond that sort of thinking.

With no kids in the house and minimal work schedules, we rarely fuck at night.

We have kids and sometimes nooners are our only option. It's an upside of WFH.

That said. I'm not *obligated* to have relations with my husband. Not  in the same way that, say, I'm *obligated* to feed my minor children, provide a roof over their head...or do such other things like pay taxes.

[billisonboard]

Jul 13, 2023 8:43:44 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jul 13, 2023 8:37:59 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

With no kids in the house and minimal work schedules, we rarely fuck at night.

We have kids and sometimes nooners are our only option. It's an upside of WFH.

That said. I'm not *obligated* to have relations with my husband. Not  in the same way that, say, I'm *obligated* to feed my minor children, provide a roof over their head...or do such other things like pay taxes.

As you stated, it is 2023. My wife certainly let's me know I am obligated to have relations with her.

[tractor]

Jul 13, 2023 8:43:44 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jul 13, 2023 8:37:59 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

With no kids in the house and minimal work schedules, we rarely fuck at night.

We have kids and sometimes nooners are our only option. It's an upside of WFH.

That said. I'm not *obligated* to have relations with my husband. Not  in the same way that, say, I'm *obligated* to feed my minor children, provide a roof over their head...or do such other things like pay taxes.

Please don't read too much into it, I was trying not to be quite as direct a bills...

[Cookies Galore]

Jul 13, 2023 8:37:59 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Jul 13, 2023 8:09:38 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Ummmm....huh.

It's 2023. I thought we moved beyond that sort of thinking.

With no kids in the house and minimal work schedules, we rarely fuck at night.

No kids in the house definitely opens up the time of day and location options.

[billisonboard]

Jul 13, 2023 9:01:29 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jul 13, 2023 8:49:47 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

As you stated, it is 2023. My wife certainly let's me know I am obligated to have relations with her.

If my husband expects me to put out on command and/or out of duty, he can hire out a sex worker or get a blow up doll. That's not how I roll.

Fortunately, it's a boundary he respects.

"relations"? "put out"? I took "marital obligations" as just another (cute) way to get around using the word fuck.

[Cookies Galore]

My husband and I sleep in separate bedrooms during the work week and I fucking love it. We sleep better without disruptions and we are better partners for it. It started because of our geriatric cat annoying him and became permanent during the pandemic when our wake-up time and bed time no longer aligned (he's still up at 5:30 and I'm up at 7 now). I actually sleep for shit on weekends when he's with me and I have to sleep on my side of the bed; I prefer to sleep diagonally across the bed. I am 41 and husband is 44, so we're pretty solidly in the more likely to sleep apart age ranges.

We have a queen so I always try to book a king when we travel.

[giramomma]

Yes, I deleted.  I don't want to stir up stuff.

And I'm also young enough to hear discussions on how my grandmother experienced doing it. Granted. Through my mom's lens. So there is that.

However, my grandfather was not a nice person. And "marital obligations" were real obligations.

I understand that is not is not likely the case with you all.

I'm also not naive enough to think that obligation is just a cute word that everyone uses.

[steph08]

I am not sleep divorced - DH and I sleep in a king with two dogs. 

He started a new job and is up at 5:45 four days/week. It's OK in the summer because it's light, so I get up and run. 

In the winter, when it is dark and I want to sleep until 7 or so before getting the kids up for school, it might be a problem.

We don't have an extra bedroom though, but our couch is comfortable enough...for him hahaha

[daisylu]

Jul 13, 2023 8:49:47 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Jul 13, 2023 8:43:44 GMT -5 giramomma said:

We have kids and sometimes nooners are our only option. It's an upside of WFH.

That said. I'm not *obligated* to have relations with my husband. Not  in the same way that, say, I'm *obligated* to feed my minor children, provide a roof over their head...or do such other things like pay taxes.

As you stated, it is 2023. My wife certainly let's me know I am obligated to have relations with her.

Same in my house. 

[billisonboard]

I first sleep divorced my wife not on location but mattress firmness. We got a "king" sized Sleep Number bed which is actually two long twin mattresses on the same independently adjustable pedestal . It allows her to sleep on a rock while I sleep on a pillow. Another benefit is I get to use the flannel sheets I love year round while she can use the slippery silky things she likes. 

[raeoflyte]

I want dh to move to the bedroom downstairs. I get up to check ds blood sugar multiple times a night and dh's snoring after the midnight and 2am alarms make me want to kill him. Plus his pile of crap is expanding. I can't even walk on his side of the bed anymore. I'm giving him some time, but not forever to figure that out.

[giramomma]

Jul 13, 2023 11:54:15 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I want dh to move to the bedroom downstairs. I get up to check ds blood sugar multiple times a night and dh's snoring after the midnight and 2am alarms make me want to kill him. Plus his pile of crap is expanding. I can't even walk on his side of the bed anymore. I'm giving him some time, but not forever to figure that out.

I'm guilty of the pile of crap, too.

Although, it helped when I did a pretty big declutter of our bedroom. I should take another pass.

[raeoflyte]

Jul 13, 2023 11:56:02 GMT -5 giramomma said:

Jul 13, 2023 11:54:15 GMT -5 raeoflyte said:

I want dh to move to the bedroom downstairs. I get up to check ds blood sugar multiple times a night and dh's snoring after the midnight and 2am alarms make me want to kill him. Plus his pile of crap is expanding. I can't even walk on his side of the bed anymore. I'm giving him some time, but not forever to figure that out.

I'm guilty of the pile of crap, too.

Although, it helped when I did a pretty big declutter of our bedroom. I should take another pass.

I have piles too. I'm not winning any housekeeping or organizing/minimalist awards. This one though is taking over.

[resolution]

I've never heard it called a sleep divorce before. Whenever I have gone on tours of old mansions, they usually have quarters for the husband and separate quarters for the wife, so here I thought my sleeping separately meant we had some kind of fancy noble lineage...

I will usually go to bed with my husband for a quick cuddle when he goes to sleep, but I have slept separately in the spare bedroom for years. I can still hear his snores from across the house, but it's much easier to sleep through them. When I am in the same room with him, its like having an alarm go off right next to my head all night.

ETA I am gen x and he is millenial.

[Deleted]

We would be sleep divorced if we could, but we do not have an extra room.  We have very different sleep needs and schedules, and DH is a very heavy snorer.  I tend to sprawl and he can't stand being touched.  Also, on rare occasions he dreams he is being attacked and he reacts with physical violence against the nearest object which is me.  

[billisonboard]

Jul 13, 2023 15:21:50 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

We would be sleep divorced if we could, but we do not have an extra room.  We have very different sleep needs and schedules, and DH is a very heavy snorer.  I tend to sprawl and he can't stand being touched.  Also, on rare occasions he dreams he is being attacked and he reacts with physical violence against the nearest object which is me.  

Rough PTSD? Any counseling help?

[Deleted]

Jul 13, 2023 15:27:28 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Jul 13, 2023 15:21:50 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

We would be sleep divorced if we could, but we do not have an extra room.  We have very different sleep needs and schedules, and DH is a very heavy snorer.  I tend to sprawl and he can't stand being touched.  Also, on rare occasions he dreams he is being attacked and he reacts with physical violence against the nearest object which is me.  

Rough PTSD? Any counseling help?

No, not PTSD, no identifiable cause.  He just dreams he's out somewhere and someone attacks him and he starts swinging and kicking.  As he's profoundly hard of hearing, it's very hard to wake him up while trying to get away.  It's only happened a couple of times but it's scary as shit.  And he really doesn't believe me when I tell him what he did and gets angry, saying it's not his fault if it did occur.  Which is true, but that doesn't lessen my terror or make the bruises any less painful.  

[billisonboard]

Jul 13, 2023 15:32:24 GMT -5 soupandstew said:

Jul 13, 2023 15:27:28 GMT -5 billisonboard said:

Rough PTSD? Any counseling help?

No, not PTSD, no identifiable cause.  He just dreams he's out somewhere and someone attacks him and he starts swinging and kicking.  As he's profoundly hard of hearing, it's very hard to wake him up while trying to get away.  It's only happened a couple of times but it's scary as shit.  And he really doesn't believe me when I tell him what he did and gets angry, saying it's not his fault if it did occur.  Which is true, but that doesn't lessen my terror or make the bruises any less painful.  

[Pink Cashmere]

Mister started going to sleep in another bedroom sometimes, because I snore and grind my teeth in my sleep. Before his Dad came to stay with us last December, he was pretty much sleeping in the other bedroom every night. I was good with it, because I have enough sleep issues of my own that I don’t want to be the reason Mister doesn’t sleep well, because I know what that feels like.

Plus, despite the number of years we’ve been together and shared a bed, it still doesn’t really work for me because I spent 20 years prior to our relationship, sleeping in a queen size bed by myself. 

Now that Boy sleeps on our bed, I feel even more confined, and I try to gently encourage Mister to go back to sleeping in the other room, and take Boy with him lol. So far, he’s not really taking the hint, or just ignoring it. I’ve slept on one of the sofas in the den a few times in the last few weeks, and Mister said he didn’t sleep well those nights because I wasn’t in the bed with him.

I would have no problem at all if he went back to sleeping in the other bedroom again sometimes.

[MarionTh230]

Up until about 5 years ago, DH and I slept in a full sized bed.  We purchased a full bedroom suit and got rid of all of our old hand-me-down furniture.  When we did that, we got a king sized bed at DH's request.  Despite DH's height, we don't have issues with getting in each other's way at all.  I suspect it was because we spent so many years scrunched together in a full sized bed.

On the nights that DH works, I will wake up about 80% of the time.  Of those times I wake up, about half of the time I will see his clothes hanging up.  Which means he has made it home and he's somewhere else in the house and hasn't come to bed yet.  And I'll just roll over and fall back asleep.  The other half of the time, I will see his clothes and end up tossing and turning until he comes to bed.  

At this point, no, we are not sleep divorced and I do have trouble sleeping when DH isn't there.

DH has very odd sleep habits.  Most nights he only needs about 6 hours of sleep.  And he will just wake up ready to start his day.  It is really weird.  Other times he has some back or joint pain that causes him to get up between 1am-3am and sleep on the couch for a while.  As far as I can tell, he has no interest in sleep divorce.  But, given our age differences I can indeed see where he may want to separate our sleeping arrangement at some point in time.

We are fortunate that Kiddo has always slept in her own bed.  She enjoys having her own space.  Not all kids do, so I do mean it when I say we are lucky.  The few times Kiddo has had a bad dream or been sick and slept in our bed have pure horror.  The kid kicks and flails and moves all night.  The kid also spreads out like a starfish.  And the heat?!?!  Oh, the heat.  How can such a tiny human put off enough heat that it is equivalent to an oven?  I don't understand it.  If Kiddo was sleeping in our bed regularly somebody would be sleep divorced.  I'd happily sleep on the couch every night at that point.

[NoNamePerson]

Just divorced.