ending relationships

[blue]

Did you ever end a relationship with a friend or family member? What was the cause? 

Once my dad's estate is closed, I plan on ending my relationship with my older sister. For my whole life she has berated and bullied me. A few weeks ago she came in my workplace to tell me what a terrible person I am. Last weekend she sent me a nasty email. I told her to pretend I am dead and be happy. Since I am PR of the estate, I feel I need to keep all lines of communication open for now.

I have (had) two different friends that would make plans and then cancel on me last minute. The last one was a month ago. She did not answer when I asked if I should pick her up. I still haven't heard from her. Sometimes I think I should see if she is okay but then I remember communication works both ways. We live in a small town so I do see her car at work, home, etc.

Why does this happen to me so often? Is it me?

[giramomma]

I've been low/no contact with my parents (now mom) for 15 years.

My mom is mentally ill and never thought it was important to get treatment.

It took her 50 years to admit she had issues with her moods to me. She's 78. She'll never live long enough to arrive at the decision that she should have sought help.

Her dysfunction is the most important thing in her life.

I don't have a ton of in real life friends. So there's that. I'm also terrible with communicating with people. I can't do phones. I just am not a phone person. I try. For my kids. And that''s just about it.

I dunno. I think people, in general are a huge mess. Humans are, well, human. It takes a long time to work through how different things can shape our life. Generations.. DH and I are old enough that our grandparents and parents were absolutely affected by the great depression. Can''t worry about feelings  if you don't even know where your next meal is coming from.

Cultural shifts move as fast as glaciers. I mean. Here we were in 2016 thinking we're so advanced as a population. And then we learn things like racism, misogyny, opps, it's been alive and well, just dormant for 40 years.

I don't really know any truly good human beings that didn't have to work at it (ie, get themselves into therapy to become better people). Maybe one person? That''s not a lot.

[raeoflyte]

I try to assume best intentions, but I'm pretty quick to bail on relationships that aren't working for me. Dsis and I barely spoke for a few years, and when we started trying again we did movies. Minimal talking, dessert afterwards only if we were up for it. We're very close now.

High-school BFF similar - she was wrapped up in her own stuff when I needed support so limited contact but years later we're on good terms again. But it's not daily or even weekly contact.

I struggle with my in-laws because that is a relationship I would have cut contact with but it's not my call. Mil/fil I just dont expect anything from and I redirect any conversations to them (its not hard) and dont offer up any information. Its hard though to be the support person for dh that lives on the roller coaster of spiraling disappointment, frustration, and regret.
Sis-in-law is probably the hardest for me because when we're together it's like we're bff's, but she barely responds outside of gatherings. I've gotten closer to accepting this is just who she is (and again - grace - she has little kids, but this didn't start when she had kids), but I haven't figured out how to balance it so that I am open and enjoy our time together without getting my feelings hurt when she ignores texts. And also being that support system for dh, because as much as my feelings have been hurt, it's his sister/parents which hurts so much more.

[raeoflyte]

Adding cultivating new friendships is hard but I think worth it. I said for years I don't have time for friends. Dgm needed me, then my parents and sister (and they are awesome and family I'm happy to call friends), but having someone to go for a walk with or get coffee, or call for help when you're in a bind is...I think really helpful for my mental health.

I have a new friend I need to make that next overture to.

[minnesotapaintlady]

End?  No.  It's just the amount of time I interact with someone correlates pretty highly with how enjoyable that interaction is.

I'm not easily offended by unanswered texts or cancelled plans (I'm as guilty of that as anyone!), but I would not hang out with someone that berated me or bullied me.  The sister coming into work to yell at me would be a hell no! Do you work at a public place?  Otherwise, call security. 

My mom is pretty judgy and her and I disagree on politics a lot.  Because of this I probably stop by their house once every 2-3 months even though they live just 15 miles away or so.  I will also say, "Ok, I think that's my cue to leave" when she starts off on one of her rants so she knows why I'm leaving.  She's 76.  It's not going to change.  Although, I do think she has been a lot better about checking herself.  It's when there's alcohol involved or she has other like-mindeds around that she doesn't know to zip it.

As with Rae, I've had friendships go stagnant for years as you get involved in other things, only to rekindle later.  I just was talking to someone yesterday that I was good friends with for years (I kept my horses at her stable before I built).  We work at the same place so we're still semi-connected as I stop over at her cube to chat occasionally.  When talking with her yesterday I found out she's seeing someone (got divorced a few years ago) and also dislocated her shoulder 6 weeks ago.  I was thinking, Damn.  How did I not know all this stuff?  So, we made a pact for us all (her and I and the other two barn girls) to get back together for dinner again after I get back from vacation.  We used to do it all the time, then the length of time between meet ups got longer and longer.  It's been since I had my horse put down 18 months ago when they gathered to talk about "Memories of Mort".

[pooks]

I don't have contact with my mom or dad, 18 years and 3 years respectively. 

Mom and I got into a childish argument and she wouldn't speak to me for 2 years.  By the time she was ready to make up, I was really enjoying the lack of drama in my life without her.  18 years ago. 

Dad, I just don't like.  The older DD got the more his abandonment when I was 1 bothered me.  During covid lockdown, I just exploded and all the resentment and anger came pouring out.   Once again I was happier when he was gone.  I realized how much I dreaded our awkward interactions.  We don't share history, interests, or ethics and so all we talked about was the weather.   

[daisylu]

I don't do friends, except long distance. I know I need one, but I can't put forth the effort. Plus I hate most women and relate more to males but no way DH would be onboard with me having a male bestie, so he is my bestie but not. 

Mostly I ghost people I do not want to deal with - currently it is my brother. They can send emails, texts, call, whatever - it does not mean that I need respond.

Delete is a great option. I get that you are in a tough spot, do what you have to to settle the estate and block, delete, whatever you have to do to stay sane.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I don't know if it counts because I've never really had a relationship to begin with but I'm cool with never seeing 99% of my mom's extended family again.

They did my grandma dirty when she died.

They didn't bother to show up to my mom's memorial and her great aunt said things to me and Bob that can't be unsaid. We're not sure if it was dementia or what but damn. It's not forgivable.

They are a bunch of snobs who.are always one upping you and I don't like how when one of the brother's die you cease to exist for them.

Fuck them all except for one. Him and his wife really stepped up to help me and I will appreciate that forever.

[Spellbound454]

I don't really fall out with people ... its just far easier to keep things casual and take it or leave it.

If the friendship is too demanding, it will be a breeze in.....and not stay too long.

If its the end of a relationship with a partner...... I'll walk away and close the door
No point in torturing yourself.

So lots of friends but all very casual.

[TheOtherMe]

When it finally got through my thick head that my long time friend in Colorado was toxic to me and never, ever listened to me, I cut her off and I am done and will not go back.     

No regrets about the friendship.  Regrets that I couldn't admit it had become toxic.

[toomuchreality]

I would say I have acquaintances, at this point in my life. No real, real life friends that I do things with any more.
Occasionally I go to dinner, or something with one of my 2 DD and their family. I saw my brother twice last week, when he came into town.

[Opti]

Jun 9, 2023 9:59:01 GMT -5 blue said:

Did you ever end a relationship with a friend or family member? What was the cause? 

Once my dad's estate is closed, I plan on ending my relationship with my older sister. For my whole life she has berated and bullied me. A few weeks ago she came in my workplace to tell me what a terrible person I am. Last weekend she sent me a nasty email. I told her to pretend I am dead and be happy. Since I am PR of the estate, I feel I need to keep all lines of communication open for now.

I have (had) two different friends that would make plans and then cancel on me last minute. The last one was a month ago. She did not answer when I asked if I should pick her up. I still haven't heard from her. Sometimes I think I should see if she is okay but then I remember communication works both ways. We live in a small town so I do see her car at work, home, etc.

Why does this happen to me so often? Is it me?

IDK, would need to know way more. I will say there do seem to be certain times in reality or maybe configurations in the stars where some people like to use me as their target instead of dealing with their own baggage. I try to avoid them, be scarce or I've started shining lights on their problems they are avoiding so I look like a horrible target.

I did not speak to one sister for about 5 years. Not sure that she really noticed and as the eldest it turns out I am generally the bigger person than both my sibs. They do not look up to me all that much and part of that is the fault of my mom for making me their caretaker / minder at a very young age. My youngest sister is only 4 years younger than me, but since they are less than 18 months apart, she made them into a unit and me kind of an outsider in my own family. 

Sometimes its just time to let go or let it fade. Some people aren't polite about departing from your life and do what those two different friends are doing. Let them go. Have you considered moving to at least a nearby town and getting better people in your life?

[blue]

Jun 9, 2023 21:36:14 GMT -5 Opti said:

Jun 9, 2023 9:59:01 GMT -5 blue said:

Did you ever end a relationship with a friend or family member? What was the cause? 

Once my dad's estate is closed, I plan on ending my relationship with my older sister. For my whole life she has berated and bullied me. A few weeks ago she came in my workplace to tell me what a terrible person I am. Last weekend she sent me a nasty email. I told her to pretend I am dead and be happy. Since I am PR of the estate, I feel I need to keep all lines of communication open for now.

I have (had) two different friends that would make plans and then cancel on me last minute. The last one was a month ago. She did not answer when I asked if I should pick her up. I still haven't heard from her. Sometimes I think I should see if she is okay but then I remember communication works both ways. We live in a small town so I do see her car at work, home, etc.

Why does this happen to me so often? Is it me?

IDK, would need to know way more. I will say there do seem to be certain times in reality or maybe configurations in the stars where some people like to use me as their target instead of dealing with their own baggage. I try to avoid them, be scarce or I've started shining lights on their problems they are avoiding so I look like a horrible target.

I did not speak to one sister for about 5 years. Not sure that she really noticed and as the eldest it turns out I am generally the bigger person than both my sibs. They do not look up to me all that much and part of that is the fault of my mom for making me their caretaker / minder at a very young age. My youngest sister is only 4 years younger than me, but since they are less than 18 months apart, she made them into a unit and me kind of an outsider in my own family. 

Sometimes its just time to let go or let it fade. Some people aren't polite about departing from your life and do what those two different friends are doing. Let them go. Have you considered moving to at least a nearby town and getting better people in your life?

The "cancelling" friends are fairly new in my life. One got divorced after 28 years of marriage and she moved back to the town I live in. I sort of took her under my wing, feeling sorry for her, because she was newly single and broken hearted. I would invite her along to try and get her out. Not doing that anymore. 

Sometimes I think my expectations are too high. It's things I wouldn't do so I don't expect it to be done to me. 

[NancysSummerSip]

My uncle (dad's brother) and his wife and kids are dead to me. Stole from my grandma and put her in a nursing home, which killed her. I don't care what happens to them.

My matron of honor (yeah, I am stuck with her in my wedding pictures), cheated on her husband, left him and her kids and went to shack up with her lover, who dumped her when she showed up as a "free" woman (the divorce had not even started at that point). Karma came around for her, though. I am still best friends with her ex, who is an absolute doll.

Some of my DH's oldest friends have deserted him, now that he is sick. I didn't them; just let them fade out of the picture. I cannot make people care; it's a two-way street.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Most of my friends that I have are those that have lasted 30+ years.  Many have fallen by the wayside, but there is a select group that I may not talk to in a very long time but we pick up where we left off.  

I think the one that bothered me the most was a friend I met when I first moved to KY,  This person was really in my life, and then……nothing.  What I figured happened was that she needed someone to clear out her defunct lab, so she was nice to me while I helped.  Lab cleared out, friendship over, and I was ghosted before ghosting was defined by Wiki.

My brother, I’m not sure about.  He has turned into a person I don’t like.  That makes me sad, as his kids are awesome.  I have tried to maintain a relationship with him, but he baits me and I bite.  Then I get angry I bite, so tryto change the subject.  The last time I talked to him was a few years ago, when I called him for his birthday.  He baited me, I was prepared and told him I wasn’t going to talk about it.  He persisted, I told him if he continued, I’d hang up.  He did, so I did.  I hate leaving things like this, but don’t know how else to tell him not to bait me.  I’m not willing to cut him out, he’s just on hiatus u til I figure this out.

[Artemis Windsong]

I envy my GrD2's relationships with her friends.  They are amazingly close and loving.  Even my H. has noticed.  Both of us have not had friends like that.  I have no idea how to get to that point with friends.

A bit of background.  This GrD was pissy with me most of her life.  One example.  She'd call me on frigid, icy nights wanting me to drive to the next town over to watch her cheer for 15 minutes at BB intermission then she'd get mad when I said no.  She spent more time with my SIL's DM when growing up than with us.  I couldn't even make an appointment with them, they were at her house.  (That woman smoked like a chimney. )When she had her son who is now 3, she wouldn't let me hold him standing at least 3 feet from me.    I had just superficial conversations like pass the potatoes.  When I went to her BF now fiance's mother's birthday party, things changed.  For that party, I had to pay for my crab legs and steak even though it was a home cook out.  My DS, her Dad, brought his own burgers so he didn't pay.

Now she is appreciative.

I removed myself from a tennis group that had filthy minds and mouth.  I received verbal abuse for made up reasons.  Unfounded complaints.  Malicious gossip continues.

I removed myself from a supposed to be good neighbors friend group because of 3 red flags.  Red flags being aggressive with other members. A 4th red flag surfaced at a sewing group.  She was going to shake some sense into me.  I'd met her that day. 

I'm friend challenged.  In retrospect, my parents failed to socialize me when I was a child.  Now days isolating a child from the family and neighbors is child abuse.  I knew it then but parents were right.

I have a large extended family with different levels of closeness and communication.  

[toomuchreality]

Jun 10, 2023 19:10:31 GMT -5 Artemis Windsong said:

I envy my GrD2's relationships with her friends.  They are amazingly close and loving.  Even my H. has noticed.  Both of us have not had friends like that.  I have no idea how to get to that point with friends.

A bit of background.  This GrD was pissy with me most of her life.  One example.  She'd call me on frigid, icy nights wanting me to drive to the next town over to watch her cheer for 15 minutes at BB intermission then she'd get mad when I said no.  She spent more time with my SIL's DM when growing up than with us.  I couldn't even make an appointment with them, they were at her house.  (That woman smoked like a chimney. )When she had her son who is now 3, she wouldn't let me hold him standing at least 3 feet from me.    I had just superficial conversations like pass the potatoes.  When I went to her BF now fiance's mother's birthday party, things changed.  For that party, I had to pay for my crab legs and steak even though it was a home cook out.  My DS, her Dad, brought his own burgers so he didn't pay.

Now she is appreciative.

I removed myself from a tennis group that had filthy minds and mouth.  I received verbal abuse for made up reasons.  Unfounded complaints.  Malicious gossip continues.

I removed myself from a supposed to be good neighbors friend group because of 3 red flags.  Red flags being aggressive with other members. A 4th red flag surfaced at a sewing group.  She was going to shake some sense into me.  I'd met her that day. 

I'm friend challenged.  In retrospect, my parents failed to socialize me when I was a child.  Now days isolating a child from the family and neighbors is child abuse.  I knew it then but parents were right.

I have a large extended family with different levels of closeness and communication.  

Hugs

[Artemis Windsong]

toomuchreality - thank you.