blue
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Post by blue on May 10, 2023 9:10:43 GMT -5
How are your sibling relationships?
I am the youngest of three girls. My sisters are 11 months apart and then I came along 6 years later. The middle sister never did like me. Now that we are all old (50s and 60s) and both parents passed away, I realize that I was bullied my whole life by the middle sister. The oldest sister always told me I was too sensitive and never took sides.
What are you experiences with siblings?
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bookkeeper
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Post by bookkeeper on May 10, 2023 9:22:14 GMT -5
I am the third of four children. My siblings are all brothers. My two older brothers are 7 and 5 years older than I am. My youngest brother is 2 years younger than myself. I have made a large effort to get along with my brothers, especially since our father died and we have been tasked with his estate. They may think that I had an easier time growing up. I got my own room, while the boys had to share. Although, I cannot remember my brothers ever washing a dish. That chore was gender specific in the house we were raised.
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andi9899
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Siblings
May 10, 2023 9:24:54 GMT -5
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Post by andi9899 on May 10, 2023 9:24:54 GMT -5
I'm the oldest of 2 children. My sister is 9 months younger than me. I know, crazy. She and I are close. We do a lot of things together. We have our moments when we disagree, but for the most part we're cool.
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Post by minnesotapaintlady on May 10, 2023 9:34:11 GMT -5
I have kind of a weird situation. I consider myself an only child with 4 brothers and a sister. My mom gave a boy up for adoption before I was born and my parents divorced when I was a baby. My dad remarried soon after and had two kids that I didn't see a lot growing up. Just Christmas Eve mainly and the occasional summer vacation. Then, when I was 17, my mom remarried and I gained 8 and 10 year old step-brothers.
So, basically I wasn't annoyed with siblings at all growing up, but now in our 40's and 50's we're all pretty close. Kind of the best of both worlds!
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on May 10, 2023 9:47:29 GMT -5
My sister and I are about 16 months apart, and my Brother and I are about 3 years apart. We are pretty close. I just talked to both siblings this am, trying to confirm Mother's day issues, and my Brother and I discussed other issues with my Mother and her Dementia. Other than Birthdays and family events, Birthdays, Weddings, Holidays, we don't talk alot. Family is big enough that it would be hard to manage much more than that.
DH has 7 brothers. His parents are also in declining health, but still living in their home. DH does a lot. Yesterday my FIL fell, MIL called DH to come help her get him up. Today DH was taking his mother to the Dr. He was switching from driving his Truck to driving his Mustang, b/c he said she has a hard time getting in and out of the Truck. I know when he takes his Dad to the Dr. he sometimes just drives his Dad's car.
We are getting together with DH's family next weekend b/c one of my Nephews that lives out of town wants to come for Grandpa's birthday. My SIL used FB messenger to message a bunch of family members.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 10, 2023 10:00:26 GMT -5
Being a middle child felt like the below.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 10, 2023 10:03:14 GMT -5
I was child number two of four kids (b, b, g and b).
Fortunately we all got along when young for the most part and still get along well today though there are now just three of us.
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finnime
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Post by finnime on May 10, 2023 10:19:23 GMT -5
I'm the 4th of 5: b, b, g, g, b. We were born within 6 years start to finish. We are close, even more so now that our parents are gone, except for our second brother who had issues when our mother died. I moved up to Massachusetts largely to be close to my siblings.
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daisylu
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Post by daisylu on May 10, 2023 10:19:46 GMT -5
There are 4 years between sister and I, with me being the eldest, then parents adopted my brother when I was 19 and he was 8. Sis and I were close until she got married to a narcissist, who monopolizes both her and my parents time doing/fixes things for them. I have grown to accept that, and most of the time the only contact sister and I have is when I want to plan an outing with her children. Sometimes she is included, but that is becoming a rare occasion.
Brother lives in California, but we talk often and he is very involved with my children.
My mom needs someone to need her and sister fills that role perfectly. I have had to learn to extract myself from their codependent behavior and set boundaries.
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msventoux
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Post by msventoux on May 10, 2023 10:20:35 GMT -5
I have one older brother by a few years. I was quiet and sensitive and he was rowdy and obnoxious. We lived in the middle of nowhere with no one else around for miles. We ignored each other as much as possible and out of boredom and frustration tried to kill each other occasionally.
Once we both left home we only spoke to each other if we happened to both be at my parents house. After my mom died and she was no longer around to provide updates to each of us as to what the other is up to we’ve tried keeping in touch with each other, minimally. We have nothing in common and wouldn’t be friends if there was no family connection. So we’re no longer actively trying to kill each other, but we’re far from close.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on May 10, 2023 10:46:56 GMT -5
I am an only child. One of my parents is an only child. So, very little extended family. I have four kids. My oldest is turning into an amazing young man. I think he's realized how he's kinda missed opportunities when he was in HS.
He still can be an ass, but it's getting less frequent. He is 19...so..I think occasionally is acceptable. He said he feels like more of a fun uncle to our youngest, rather than an actual brother. It's hard managing relationships around our 3rd kid. She's not only the hardest one, but also, she's definitely the most immature. Like, she's 11 behaving like a 9 year old immature. I suspect part of that is due to Covid lockdowns.
The older two have less patience with her now, and they will tend to gang up on her. It also doesn't help that my oldest girl is bossy, always right, and nearly had her shit together since birth. DH and I pretty careful about what we let go and what we have discussions with the kids about. DH and his brother talk pretty often, and they are also pretty different. I don't know how close they are.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 10, 2023 10:56:28 GMT -5
I am the oldest of two sisters. She is 2 1/2 years younger than me.
I lived in Colorado our entire adult lives until I moved here in 2009. We had a good relation when I lived in Colorado.
A weekly phone call and a visit of 3 or 4 days does not let you see how the other person is. She is not the person I grew up with today.
She has become an overbearing bully. She tries to control her 4 kids, but one son will not let her do it. So he and I are close and that absolutely infuriates her.
She tries to manipulate me and I have finally learned to say no and then sit back and watch.
Because of the way she treated our dad in our final years, I lost all respect for her and her good "Christian" values.
I try to have contact with her as little as possible.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 10, 2023 11:11:54 GMT -5
I am the oldest of two sisters. She is 2 1/2 years younger than me. I lived in Colorado our entire adult lives until I moved here in 2009. We had a good relation when I lived in Colorado. A weekly phone call and a visit of 3 or 4 days does not let you see how the other person is. She is not the person I grew up with today. She has become an overbearing bully. She tries to control her 4 kids, but one son will not let her do it. So he and I are close and that absolutely infuriates her. She tries to manipulate me and I have finally learned to say no and then sit back and watch. Because of the way she treated our dad in our final years, I lost all respect for her and her good "Christian" values. I try to have contact with her as little as possible. Reminds me of my mom and her sister and their spouses. My maternal grandmother was mean to my mom pretty much most of my mom's life. But my grandmother loved my father. My maternal grandmother loved her second and last daughter/child but hated her husband. My mom and my uncle used to laugh at that and said they should have been married to each other.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 10, 2023 11:49:36 GMT -5
I'm very lucky. 1 sister, 9 years older than me. I adored her growing up and my kids adore her now. We had some rough years when we were young and I was an ass, but thankfully she forgave me and we've worked things out.
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seriousthistime
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Post by seriousthistime on May 10, 2023 11:53:40 GMT -5
Oldest of three, here. G, B, G.
Dad died when I was 7. In the 1950s, many women were not expected to have employment sufficient to support a family, and my mother had minimal working skills. A lot of responsibility was heaped on me at age 7, and at age 9 I was expected to do even more.
As mom increasingly burned out from all her responsibilities, I observed how her parenting changed with the others. The responsibilities I was given as the oldest didn't shift to them when they reached the age I was when certain tasks were heaped on me. (They wouldn't do it right, or it would cause too many arguments, so they were spared washing dishes, doing laundry, or holding down part-time jobs in high school to ease the household cash flow/provide her a source of temporary loans until payday.) Mom was much more forgiving and tolerant of DB and DSis.
I gradually assumed a role that was less oldest-child and more co-parent until I decided to leave the house at age 18. But I stayed in town, and that was a mistake because at that point I was thrust into becoming a parent to mom. I eventually left town and lived my life after that. It was not without mistakes but I rebounded and learned and did better.
DB goes back and forth between the sisters he's speaking with. I can't tell you how often he's said that DSis has burned her bridges with him. I assume he says the same to her about me. She and I have our differences but we have a cordial relationship -- not extremely close, but cordial.
So we get along with the boundaries each has set regarding the others. Being able to pay the bills and live within one's means has never been high on either of their lists. Both of them thought I was unimaginative and tolerant of boredom for taking desk jobs all my life. Finances are tight for both of them because money was not the reason to work; loving the work was the reason, and the pay was secondary.
You know that saying... Friends are the family you choose. So very true!
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Opti
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Post by Opti on May 10, 2023 12:11:03 GMT -5
Wow Serious that is a lot. Explains some things.
I am also the eldest of three, but we are all female. My parents did not get divorced until I was in college, so only my sibs still in HS were assigned one to each parent in the divorce.
My sibs are just over a year apart and I have three years on #2 and four on #3. They are tight because they shared rooms for a number of years. Like Serious I got handed responsibilities my sibs never got. I had to watch them both at a young age as my mom returned to teaching etc. So my relationship really was never just sister unless you count years I was age 5 or less.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on May 10, 2023 12:24:39 GMT -5
Talking of chores - I never met my dad's parents. He was 7 of 7 and his mom was 42 and his dad 52 when he was born. But I love them just from stories and pictures. One of which is that all the kids had to do all chores. So everyone rotated through dishes and milking the cow, etc. Everyone had to cook or bake something every week. In high-school my dad and his sisters decided that they were happier not trading. Dad preferred to milk the cow, and his 2 sisters still at home preferred dishes so they stuck with that arrangement. But the entire family was self sufficient. I think that was more common in farm families possibly but still impressive for that Era.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 10, 2023 13:32:41 GMT -5
I'm the youngest of 3. DS is 7 years older, DB is 5.5 years older.
DB and I had a love/hate relationship growing up, and DS tried to ignore me. however, they did teach me a whole bunch. As kids, they would play school with me, so i learned to read and do math really early. DB played a lot of sports with me, so I have a cannon for an arm (at one point could throw from center field to catcher), his a mean slapshot, throw a real punch, and bait my own hook. DS taught me to tie my shoes and do cartwheels, but since left handed, I know do them "backwards."
We're all good now. Not super close, but no drama either.
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blue
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Post by blue on May 10, 2023 14:04:35 GMT -5
I'm the youngest of 3. DS is 7 years older, DB is 5.5 years older. DB and I had a love/hate relationship growing up, and DS tried to ignore me. however, they did teach me a whole bunch. As kids, they would play school with me, so i learned to read and do math really early. DB played a lot of sports with me, so I have a cannon for an arm (at one point could throw from center field to catcher), his a mean slapshot, throw a real punch, and bait my own hook. DS taught me to tie my shoes and do cartwheels, but since left handed, I know do them "backwards." We're all good now. Not super close, but no drama either. Funny. We played school a lot too. When I entered Kindergarten I could read and write.
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Cheesy FL-Vol
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Post by Cheesy FL-Vol on May 10, 2023 16:59:55 GMT -5
I am the only girl with 3 brothers. We were much closer as kids. We grew up poor but never realized it until looking back as adults. Today, I don’t talk to my younger brother. I don’t trust him any further than I can throw him. I rarely talk to the brother next older than me. He is an alcoholic loner. I talk most to my oldest brother, but he is a misogynistic asshole who has a mean streak so I don’t like him very much. I have heard through the family grapevine that I am the only “normal” one in the family.
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Pink Cashmere
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Post by Pink Cashmere on May 10, 2023 17:27:12 GMT -5
I usually automatically answer questions about siblings by saying I have a brother that’s almost 8 years younger than me. But the truth is that our biological father had at least 3 other children with another woman. I’ve seen something on FB that made me wonder if there are more siblings, but I never tried to find out.
So of the other 3 sisters that I know about, one is a few years older than me (Idk exactly how many years), one is 4 months older than me, and the 3rd is either a few months older or younger than my brother. If that didn’t make it clear, my brother and I are “outside” children, our biological father lived with our sisters’ Mom and my Mom was one of his side chicks. And they were pregnant at the same time twice.
My brother and I have never been close. I wish that wasn’t the case, but it’s true. He’s in a bad situation now, and I hate that for him because I do love him, but I can’t fix his life for him.
The 3 half sisters, we’ve know about each other since we were young children. When I was maybe 9yo, I got their number out of the phone book and called their house and asked to speak to the sister that’s my age. I thought maybe I would get in trouble, but I didn’t. We talked on the phone a few times for a short while, and that was it until we ran into each other on campus when we were in college. We still didn’t keep in touch though.
Fast forward about 15 years later, our biological father died. His wife (he had finally married their Mom at some point), kept insisting I come over to the house in the days leading up to his funeral. My brother had been in contact with and around him and all of them since a few years prior. Me, the last time I’d spoke to him was about 8 years prior when I took my Brother to see him because my brother had been bugging me about it, and I ended up cussing him clean out with all the big bad words because he made me so mad being all nonchalant and dismissive when my wannabe thuggish 19yo brother was in tears asking him why he’d never spent time with him. I gave him a chance before I went off, and said “I don’t see how men like you think it’s okay to have children in the world and not see about them, don’t even know if they are still alive”. He looked at me and said “At some point, you should get over it”. Which was the wrong thing to say to me, when i had my own issues with him, but in that moment I was more upset about my brother having tears rolling, asking for answers that I felt like he deserved, and he was saying stupid shit. He was all kind of sorry ass MF’s and bitches and every other insult and profanity I could think of, and I told my brother, come on let’s go! And I ignored him when he was yelling my name as I was walking to my car. I’m not proud that I talked to him like that, I’m just saying what happened. He reached out to me many times after that, but I wouldn’t answer the phone or return his calls. My Mom knew he’d gotten sick, but he asked her not to tell me, and she didn’t. Then he had the nerve to die before I was done being angry with him. Which made me even madder at him lol.
Anyway, I did go over to his wife’s house a few times before the funeral, with my brother and my children. I acted like I didn’t remember how when my Mom was pregnant with my brother, she’d constantly call our house phone and cuss out whoever happened to answer the phone, which was me sometimes. That was the first time I met or spoke to the older sister and the youngest.
It turned out that the oldest sister’s children went to the same middle school as my children, and my daughter had a crush on her oldest son! THAT is why people need to know who their family is! What if they’d been old enough to actually date, and he liked her too, or old enough to marry each other? UGH!
Anyway, during that time, the oldest sister wanted me to go somewhere with her. On the way, she asked me what I really thought about our biological father. I cut my eyes at her, and asked are you sure you want me to answer that. She said yes, so I told her I thought he was a piece of shit. She told me that I might’ve always thought they had it better because they grew up in the house with him (which I did think), but they use to see him out with other women, and it wasn’t all good in their household.
Their Mom was very gracious with me and my brother at the funeral. They insisted we ride in the limo with them, and that we walk in with them as his children. The oldest sister spoke and acknowledged me and my brother as his children. The funeral was at their church and there were a lot of funny looks that day, people trying to figure out who we were, because my brother looked and still does look just like him, and where did we come from after all the years they thought they knew all his children. I am sure there were many awkward moments for his wife, but to give her credit, every time she introduced us to someone, she introduced us as his children.
TBH, the oldest sister and the one my age, and their Mom, tried to keep in touch with me after the funeral, but I didn’t cooperate. I don’t hold anything against my sisters, we were all innocent parties in some adults’ bullshit. The oldest reaches out to me every once in a while, mostly to try to get in touch with my brother. I’m ok with that. I reached out to them during COVID, when I saw on FB that their Mom had died. Regardless of the history, I knew how much they loved her and I was genuinely sad for them that she’d passed.
So now that I’ve written a whole book, Imma hush. This one is long enough to be my whole posting quota for today lol.
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Pink Cashmere
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Post by Pink Cashmere on May 10, 2023 17:43:26 GMT -5
One more thing, for as long as I can remember, my Mom has had a white gold ring with some diamonds in it that he gave her. My Mom went to the funeral and burial to be there for me and my brother, but she stayed in the background and out of the way, out of respect for his wife.
I didn’t notice until we were at the cemetery that his wife had the same exact ring my Mom had, in yellow gold. Idk if she noticed my Mom’s ring and I don’t know if my Mom noticed hers. I didn’t say anything to my Mom about it. But when I saw his wife’s ring, I said to myself “If this ain’t some damn bullshit! How trifling is it to give both your women the exact same ring?!”
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on May 10, 2023 18:00:40 GMT -5
Being a middle child felt like the below. I am a classic middle child. Older sister who was the apple of Dad's eye and a younger brother who was Mom's little baby. Couldn't even be the only male.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on May 10, 2023 18:05:32 GMT -5
One more thing, for as long as I can remember, my Mom has had a white gold ring with some diamonds in it that he gave her. My Mom went to the funeral and burial to be there for me and my brother, but she stayed in the background and out of the way, out of respect for his wife. I didn’t notice until we were at the cemetery that his wife had the same exact ring my Mom had, in yellow gold. Idk if she noticed my Mom’s ring and I don’t know if my Mom noticed hers. I didn’t say anything to my Mom about it. But when I saw his wife’s ring, I said to myself “If this ain’t some damn bullshit! How trifling is it to give both your women the exact same ring?!” Totally OT but this drug up memory of my EXMIL calling me wanting me to return my engagement ring so EX could give to current wife (that lasted 9 months). I told her a cashiers check for $30,000 would close the deal! She said it wasn’t worth that. Was to me.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on May 10, 2023 18:08:15 GMT -5
Being a middle child felt like the below. I am a classic middle child. Older sister who was the apple of Dad's eye and a younger brother who was Mom's little baby. Couldn't even be the only male. Older brother and younger brother got all the attention. Middle me and sister were overlooked. Good and bad about that.
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on May 10, 2023 18:39:03 GMT -5
Two older brothers and four younger sisters. I would have had two more (younger) brothers but one died at ~3 months old of a congenital heart defect and I spend most of his life in the hospital so I don't remember anything about him at all. The other was so premature he only lived a few hours.
The age difference between oldest brother and youngest sister is 18.5 years. Growing up I had a somewhat distant but good relationship with the four oldest sibling - entirely caused by me as I craved quiet and solitude so I hid in books. The youngest two were in elementary school when I left home. However my mom sometimes needed time off from parenting so she would ship one of them to me for a long weekend or short vacation. As xH traveled a lot for work I spend wonderful alone times with my sisters and, despite the large age difference, we developed a great relationship. Today the seven of us all have a good relationship and get together whenever we can - regularly for the six of them, a lot less for me of course. I am closer to some of them then to others - as in if they were not blood related some would be friends and the other two of them would be BFFs.
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Pink Cashmere
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Post by Pink Cashmere on May 10, 2023 18:51:01 GMT -5
My daughter, who is the oldest, use to always insist that I loved her brother more than I loved her. I know some parents who really do have “favorite” children, but I’ve honestly never had a “favorite” myself.
The problem with my children was that they were very different, and I dealt with them according to their personalities and how they behaved or whatever, as individuals. DD might finally understand that now, since she has children of her own, but she didn’t understand for many years.
She has been going through something for awhile now, where she wants me to be loving and nurturing to her, but she’s still the same person that doesn’t like displays of affection, like hugs and stuff. She gets upset that DS and I are affectionate toward each other, we hug and hold hands and whatever. She has rejected all of that from me, since she was a preteen, and use to say DS and I were weird because we hugged and stuff, but at the same time she felt/feels some type of way that I’m not like that with her. DS never outgrew holding my hand walking through a mall or wherever in public, even when he was a teenager. DS and I still spontaneously hug each other to this day, but I always ask DD if I can have a hug if I want one, which in my mind, is respecting the boundaries she set years ago about getting in her personal space. But somehow that is wrong too.
Last November, after I went to the funeral and burial of my BFF’s 14yo Grandson, my heart was so hurt, and I wanted to hold my children and grandchildren close, so I called to say I was coming over after I left the cemetery. When I got there, they both came outside to greet me, but DS got to me first and when he hugged me, I started boo hoo crying in his arms while he held me tight. DD was wringing her hands, turning in circles, not knowing what to do with all that emotion, and ran in the house to escape lol.
I didn’t get upset with her, I know she’s not good with that kind of stuff. But I still object when she says I treat DS differently than I treat her, when it’s fact that I would love on her and be as affectionate as I am with DS, if she was as receptive to it as he is.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on May 10, 2023 19:37:18 GMT -5
I'm the oldest and have one biological brother 2.5 years younger than me. Most of the years from when I really remember as kid through going off to college my dad was married to his second wife and she had a son who was in between us age wise. I'm 1.5 years older than our stepbrother.
After our parents divorced when the oldest 2 of us were in college, we were still close. At some point, my DB and I living out of state 5 hours away and stepbrother's custody drama and drama with his mother led to that being a not so close relationship. I did invite them to my wedding.
I tried and twisted myself around trying to see everyone on every visit to town but at some point I stopped. It was step family, my mom, my dad and my grandma that I was trying to squeeze in and at some point I guess I just got tired. Especially the last couple years trying to make sure my grandma was set with errands and bills.
My brother and I are very close. We were roommates for 5 years before I got married. Some times he irritates me, but I thank God for one laid back brother compared to the drama with DH and his 3 siblings. Apparently, I wanted a brother and was adamant that my mom was having a boy when she was pregnant with him.
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jerseygirl
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Post by jerseygirl on May 10, 2023 20:31:54 GMT -5
Had a sister younger by year and half. She passed end of 2019 and I miss her dearly. She was very I’ll last year of life and couldn’t wish she were still with us because she was so sick
She was profoundly deaf, slight cerebral palsy and learning disabled. Not close when we were children cause she went to a boarding school for the deaf. Unfortunately the powers that be did not want families to learn sign language so our interaction was very limited. When she went to boarding school she learned ASL from the kids who came from deaf families. Our family picked up some sign language but never became proficient. Then I went to college, married and had 3 kids so busy with my life. When my kids were older she and our parents were snowbirds NJ and Florida Wasn’t till our dad passed and I moved mom and sister to next town that we became very close. We took sister trips and enjoyed each others company. As her health progressively worsened we spent more time together. We’re with each other 3-5x week, she loved traveling, shopping going out to movies, lunch and dinner and especially visiting cousins aunts and uncles She was a dear sweet person who loved everyone and took so much pleasure in everything. She loved pink and sometimes when I miss her I’ll wear something pink. Her birthday was Monday, I brought pink flowers to her grave.
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TheOtherMe
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Joined: Dec 24, 2010 14:40:52 GMT -5
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Post by TheOtherMe on May 10, 2023 20:48:18 GMT -5
As an adult looking back at my parents' families, they were so different.
Mom's family was 13 children of her parents. One child of her mother lived in the house. Grandpa was widowed with 2 children when my grandparents married but for some reason, he didn't want them raised in the house and they lived with various relatives. Both left their homes (they were not together) as soon as possible.
Her family was extremely close. There didn't appear to be any major schisms among the children. I'm sure part of it came from living in a 3 bedroom house so the boys all shared a room and the girls shared a room. My mom shared a bed with two of her sisters her entire childhood and they were extremely close until their deaths.
Only one sister moved far enough away to not make it to family dinners when I was growing up. So they got together for Sunday dinner at Grandma's. She had enough to eat fixed so it didn't matter who all showed up. Everyone knew they were invited.
Dad's family was totally different. For the last 20 years I have been asking questions about my grandfather and what kind of man he was. Dad would only say he wasn't a good provider for 12 children and they moved a lot. I took that to mean they got evicted. My other aunts and uncles would shut down when I brought it up. He died before I was born.
I do know as an adult that family was very divided. The sisters, none of whom every drove a car, were very close. They had spats from time to time, but otherwise were always close. The brothers who went to WWII and Korea had a shared experience that dad didn't have. I know my dad always felt left out because of that.
After we moved to Des Moines, there were 3 brothers living there and so we were close and got together at least once a month.
However one of those brothers was invited to Sunday dinner with a sister and the other two were not.
I would love to know enough psychology to figure this out.
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