qofcc
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:30:58 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
|
Post by qofcc on Apr 6, 2011 8:24:51 GMT -5
Do you feel the cause of this had more to do with the stress young children or the personality of your spouse. I do notice that quite a few of you were able to meet wonderful people in the future and everything turned out great. Just curious if experience or the fact that the children were older and it was a much less stressful time in your life played a bigger role in meeting the right person.
Personally, I think it's easier to bring in a step-parent if the children are extremely young (pre-school) and their father is not consistently in the picture because they are used to having new authority figures (babysitters, etc) and they seem to have a shorter concept of time. My sister met her 2nd husband when her DD was very young (she left her first husband when she came home unexpectedly and found him in her bed with someone else). Her 2nd husband was anxious to help her raise her DD and have her stay home and have more kids. Now my sister was a 20 something model/actress/bartender at the time, so she had her pick of a wider pool of men than most people. My DD has been dating her BF for 7 months now and he's great with her son. He says if things work out he wants to marry her in a couple of years and have more kids and adopt her son. We're not worried about the getting attached in case it doesn't work out issue because he's only 3 and he's handled the transition of daddy not paying attention to him and switching daycare providers and his uncle dying without any major problem. He misses people for a few weeks, then he accepts the change. But that's just his easy going personality. Not all kids are like that.
Dating when the kids are school aged but not old enough to date themselves is usually more difficult because they may have loyalty issues to their dad even if he wasn't a good dad.
|
|
|
Post by pig on Apr 6, 2011 8:27:51 GMT -5
"All I can think is how on earth do people have the time to get involved in a relationship. I already have my kids in daycare 45 hours a week. I don't want to add more time away from them by going out on dates, plus the added cost & trouble of getting a babysitter. I don't want to bring the kids on dates or bring a guy I don't know well home to hang out with the family. And for any of that to be a concern I would have to first go out & meet a guy I am even interested in."
Maybe some people are looking for not only a sexual interest but a part of a family. If I were single and dating I would be looking for a woman that wanted to spend time with me AND my kids. Not one that wants to get a babysitter and leave them. After all, what do you think you'll be doing if you get more serious? False advertising to trap someone?
|
|
Apple
Junior Associate
Always travel with a sense of humor
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:51:04 GMT -5
Posts: 9,938
Mini-Profile Name Color: dc0e29
|
Post by Apple on Apr 6, 2011 8:31:16 GMT -5
Trust me, that's a delicate balance. You want someone who will love your kids and accept them like your own, but you don't want your kid to go through failed relationships and have their heart broke too. I think it's a good idea to sort out if you think you'll work as a couple and then involve the kids more.
ETA: whoever it was that said their husband (or bf) had been around her kids in a group with other people could be spot-on. Your kids become aware of this person and they can build their own relationship without the pressure of knowing for sure it's "mom's bf". They get that friendship first, you know they get along, etc. Once you introduce the idea of the guy as a bf, the dynamics might change a little, but you know he won't hate your kids and your kids won't hate him. If I were in a situation where I could do this, I would, I think it's a great idea.
|
|
Anne_in_VA
Junior Associate
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:09:35 GMT -5
Posts: 5,509
|
Post by Anne_in_VA on Apr 6, 2011 9:19:18 GMT -5
I agree with qofcc that it's easier when you have very young children. I wasn't looking for another relationship when I met 2nd H, but it certainly made it easier to date when he was only 3 yo. 2nd H did adopt him after we got married because he wanted to and DS's father never wanted to have anything to do with him after our divorce.
After the 2nd divorce, I spent a lot of time taking care of me and although I dated some of the time, I was single for almost 20 years. At some point I just decided I didn't want to date any more and just did stuff with friends that I enjoyed and wanted to do. Once I reached my 50's, I just assumed that I would be single for the rest of my life and didn't really think about dating or getting married again until my friend introduced me to DH.
I did have several male friends ask me from time to time why I didn't date, but I just didn't have too many outlets where I could meet guys.
|
|
Wisconsin Beth
Distinguished Associate
No, we don't walk away. But when we're holding on to something precious, we run.
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:59:36 GMT -5
Posts: 30,626
|
Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 6, 2011 11:40:24 GMT -5
I can only speak for my household. The stress of 2 kids, when you didn't expect to have any kids, is immense. DD and DS are about 18 months apart and it's getting easier as the kids get older. DD will be 3 next month and DS is 17 months. A year ago, I was a zombie and basically on automatic pilot. And I'm not divorced. I don't have a clue how single moms or military moms manage. They have my complete admiration.
DH and I are doing better as the kids get older and aren't so completely reliant on us. But there are still days when I just want to either scream at him or tell him to get out. I suspect he feels the same way on occasion...
|
|
skubikky
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 7:37:12 GMT -5
Posts: 3,044
|
Post by skubikky on Apr 6, 2011 12:01:06 GMT -5
" It was tough when they were small. Other than work and the kids I had essentially no life. They were teenagers when I met DH. We dated until they were out of the nest then we married. GG, this is what I think is best for the kids and I commend you for exercising unselfish behavior and waiting. Being the child of divorce is difficult enough. I believe that the kids need to be the top priority. Not a BF, not a new DH, but the kids. I think waiting until they are out on their own is usually the best decision. Flame away, but I speak from experience and observation in others.
|
|
|
Post by lulubean on Apr 6, 2011 12:07:25 GMT -5
I agree with beth, mine are 21 months apart and it was tiring and rough for a while. There are many selfish people out there that put a relationship before the kids. My sister has had a parade of men in her house and it is disgusting what she puts them through.
|
|
Frappuccino
Junior Member
Joined: Jan 16, 2011 18:58:33 GMT -5
Posts: 161
|
Post by Frappuccino on Apr 6, 2011 14:12:32 GMT -5
I used to listen to Dr. Laura who advised not to date until the kids are grown. I thought that was a good idea, at least during the younger years. My kid is with dad every other weekend. On my weekends it requires some force or bribery or begging to get more than a few hours with my teenager who would rather hang with friends. So, a little dating seems harmless now. I think I will wait until my teen is grown before living with someone or remarrying though
|
|
qofcc
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:30:58 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
|
Post by qofcc on Apr 6, 2011 14:55:56 GMT -5
But assuming the kids father is not a good dad and that's part of why you left, even though searching for a new husband when you have kids is tough, if you do find the right one and he becomes a good father isn't that going to be better for the kids to be raised by two parents? I think the potential reward of getting a good parent for the kids outweighs the risk of them getting attached to someone who might not work out. That's not to say you should date just to find someone for the kids if you don't really want someone for yourself, but you shouldn't feel like you can't date because being raised by a single mother is going to be better for the kids than being raised by a mother plus a step-father or male friend.
|
|
Plain Old Petunia
Senior Member
bloom where you are planted
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 2:09:44 GMT -5
Posts: 4,840
|
Post by Plain Old Petunia on Apr 6, 2011 15:25:15 GMT -5
I think "best" is going to vary a great deal from situation to situation.
My kids know my BF, and I am glad they know him. My son(15) and BF have really bonded. I think it is great for my son, because his father is very closed off and emotionally unavailable, even to his children. BF is much more emotionally healthy.
I also think that modeling a healthy adult relationship is very beneficial to children.
I don't think that one person after another after another is a good idea at all. Casual dating should be kept out of the child's awareness.
|
|
qofcc
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:30:58 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
|
Post by qofcc on Apr 6, 2011 15:38:53 GMT -5
I also think that modeling a healthy adult relationship is very beneficial to children.
I don't think that one person after another after another is a good idea at all. Casual dating should be kept out of the child's awareness.
Exactly. I went out with dozens of guys for drinks or coffee or lunch, but there were only a handful that ever spent time with my kids (other than meeting a few people as part of a casual group setting with lots of other people, not as my "date")
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Apr 6, 2011 15:41:54 GMT -5
Besides, guys who prefer to date women with children just might be pedophiles......I should click on "report to mod". Why? I would consider that extremely odd. Especially if it was a requirement. What kind of man (or woman, for that matter) wants kids but not his own kids? At the very least, a guy who said that he WANTED to date a woman who already had kids would set off major alarm bells for me. (Accepting the fact that a woman already has kids = completely and totally different.)
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Apr 6, 2011 15:43:25 GMT -5
I also think that modeling a healthy adult relationship is very beneficial to children.
I don't think that one person after another after another is a good idea at all. Casual dating should be kept out of the child's awareness.Exactly. OMG yes. This. So much this. Even when all of the guys are nice and friendly and get along with the kid, it still takes a toll. Kids are wired to need stability and consistency. Constantly changing key figures in their lives is a good way to really mess with their heads in a way that will echo throughout those lives.
|
|
|
Post by debtheaven on Apr 6, 2011 15:46:43 GMT -5
ETA: whoever it was that said their husband (or bf) had been around her kids in a group with other people could be spot-on.
Thanks, Apple, that was me. I hope the OP read my posts but I ended up deleting them.
|
|
qofcc
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 13:30:58 GMT -5
Posts: 1,869
|
Post by qofcc on Apr 6, 2011 15:53:29 GMT -5
Besides, guys who prefer to date women with children just might be pedophiles......
In my experience, there are lots of perfectly nice single fathers who prefer to date single mothers.
I was in a position where I already had kids but couldn't have any more kids (hysterectomy), so the guys had to be ones that wanted to be a parent to kids but didn't want more kids of their own, which pretty much limited me to single fathers. At least I didn't find anyone other than single fathers who felt that way and it seems like single fathers who don't want more children look for single mothers who don't want more children.
|
|
|
Post by debtheaven on Apr 6, 2011 15:53:58 GMT -5
Stubikky, I certainly won't flame you, but I disagree. I'm so grateful (for all of us) that I didn't take that option. DH was / is a great addition to our family, and I know he feels the same way about us. I take that back, we wouldn't even BE a family today if not for DH!
I do agree that putting your kids first is key. I think it's fine to date and even rebuild a love life, but you need to be discreet and smart and above all you need to always put your kids first. IMO, any man that makes you choose between him and your kids is worthless. Less than worthless, in fact, toxic.
I was / am very lucky. We are not perfect and we have our issues. But DH never put me in a position between choosing between him and my kids from my first marriage (that he helped / helps) raise, he's done much more for them over their years than their dad. If he had, he would have been dust. But I am SO happy that my kids were raised / are being raised by a very loving, hands-on stepdad as well as by me. Obviously they have had their disagreements and moments over the years but my DS1 was our "best man" when DH and I finally married six years ago (we've been together for 18 years).
DS1 wrote the speech with my DS2 (who wasn't of legal age when we married, otherwise I would have had two "best men") The majority of that speech was a tribute to DH and how DH enriched their lives since they were little boys of four and six, and how he continues to do so. Their gratitude at having had a "new" family after the heartache and devastation at their "old" family exploding, their love of their "little brother" and how his arrival solidified the family. Plus a joke or two about how I was already enough of a "Jewish Mother", can you imagine their lives if I'd had to raise them on my own without DH to temper me LOL. And a tribute to love, and moving on in the face of adversity, and making hard choices, and all the lessons that DH or I, or DH and I, had taught them.
I am rarely speechless but I certainly was then LOL.
|
|
Apple
Junior Associate
Always travel with a sense of humor
Joined: Dec 17, 2010 15:51:04 GMT -5
Posts: 9,938
Mini-Profile Name Color: dc0e29
|
Post by Apple on Apr 6, 2011 16:44:18 GMT -5
debtheaven--I truly love that idea. I'm friends with almost all guys, but most are married or have girlfriends so I don't "hang out" with them. If I had a group like that I'd definitely throw someone I was interested into the mix just to get that less-pressure exposure to DS.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Apr 6, 2011 16:54:04 GMT -5
Besides, guys who prefer to date women with children just might be pedophiles......In my experience, there are lots of perfectly nice single fathers who prefer to date single mothers. I was in a position where I already had kids but couldn't have any more kids (hysterectomy), so the guys had to be ones that wanted to be a parent to kids but didn't want more kids of their own, which pretty much limited me to single fathers. At least I didn't find anyone other than single fathers who felt that way and it seems like single fathers who don't want more children look for single mothers who don't want more children. Single fathers are a little different though. I could see them perhaps wanting to expand their family without having more biological children with someone other than the original kids' mother. I was thinking of single guys with no kids for whom a woman WITH kids was a REQUIREMENT. I wouldn't go so far to say "they're probably pedophiles" but that would really strike me as extremely peculiar and I would need an awfully good reason for it before I stopped feeling creeped out. Even if it was a guy who couldn't have biological children, EXISTING children shouldn't be requirement because they could always adopt if the relationship worked out.
|
|
998fbird
Junior Member
Joined: Jan 6, 2011 17:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 138
|
Post by 998fbird on Apr 6, 2011 17:09:50 GMT -5
Angel you are in a very stressful place. I wouldn't worry about dating right now, just sort your life out and relax. If/when you are ready to date you will figure it out. I have been divorced for a long time and I don't date often because 1) I'm pretty happy with my own company. I've also found that there just aren't that many decent guys w/o major issues on the market. Lots of financial train wrecks and guys with substance abuse issues. 2) I'm still looking for the terrific guy. Reading that some of you have actually found that type of guy gives me hope.
|
|
|
Post by debtheaven on Apr 6, 2011 17:14:18 GMT -5
Apple Just keep an open mind. If these people are important to you (and it sounds like they are) keep in touch with them, hang out with them, even if you're not in a couple. Forget the "couple" part for now, that never comes when we want it to. If you like these people (and it sounds like you do) I would encourage you to hang out with them. Plus your DS is older now, old enough to either stay home once in a while or to accompany you. I truly believe that the universe generally give us some form of what we ask for. But there is always some twist.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Apr 7, 2011 12:54:15 GMT -5
Besides, guys who prefer to date women with children just might be pedophiles......I should click on "report to mod". Why? I would consider that extremely odd. Especially if it was a requirement. What kind of man (or woman, for that matter) wants kids but not his own kids? At the very least, a guy who said that he WANTED to date a woman who already had kids would set off major alarm bells for me. (Accepting the fact that a woman already has kids = completely and totally different.) Guys who want kids but don't want to worry that you'll never lose the pregnancy weight. Or guys who want kids but don't want to deal with a complete psycho for 9 months. Or guys who want kids but don't want babies that just sleep, cry, and poop. Or guys who want kids but can't have them. Or guys who want kids but didn't have them young and don't want to be "old dads". Or guys who want kids but don't want to date someone of the age that they can conceive. Or guys who want kids but think that nurture is far more important than nature in being a father. Or guys who want kids but think it's socially irresponsible to continue overpopulating the earth. "Even if it was a guy who couldn't have biological children, EXISTING children shouldn't be requirement because they could always adopt if the relationship worked out. " Yes, though the idea of "just adopt" sounds a lot easier than it actually is unless you want a child from another country, or one with some kind of medical/psychological problems...or have a LOT of money to throw around.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Apr 7, 2011 13:21:48 GMT -5
Guys who want kids but don't want to worry that you'll never lose the pregnancy weight. Or guys who want kids but don't want to deal with a complete psycho for 9 months. Or guys who want kids but don't want babies that just sleep, cry, and poop. Or guys who want kids but can't have them. Or guys who want kids but didn't have them young and don't want to be "old dads". Or guys who want kids but don't want to date someone of the age that they can conceive. Or guys who want kids but think that nurture is far more important than nature in being a father. Or guys who want kids but think it's socially irresponsible to continue overpopulating the earth.
So in other words, guys who want all the "fun" of being a dad with none of the icky bits or baby bits or my-wife-is-a-hormonal-monster bits?
Definitely wouldn't care for that type of man either.
|
|
Angel!
Senior Associate
Politics Admin
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 11:44:08 GMT -5
Posts: 10,722
|
Post by Angel! on Apr 7, 2011 13:47:43 GMT -5
Angel you are in a very stressful place. I wouldn't worry about dating right now, just sort your life out and relax. If/when you are ready to date you will figure it out. Thanks. I'm slowly getting my life together. Things are so much better than they were just 6 months ago. Maybe someday I'll have the time & energy to try dating again. I just feel better knowing that others have struggled with this issue.
|
|
hoops902
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 22, 2010 13:21:29 GMT -5
Posts: 11,978
|
Post by hoops902 on Apr 7, 2011 17:40:47 GMT -5
Guys who want kids but don't want to worry that you'll never lose the pregnancy weight. Or guys who want kids but don't want to deal with a complete psycho for 9 months. Or guys who want kids but don't want babies that just sleep, cry, and poop. Or guys who want kids but can't have them. Or guys who want kids but didn't have them young and don't want to be "old dads". Or guys who want kids but don't want to date someone of the age that they can conceive. Or guys who want kids but think that nurture is far more important than nature in being a father. Or guys who want kids but think it's socially irresponsible to continue overpopulating the earth. So in other words, guys who want all the "fun" of being a dad with none of the icky bits or baby bits or my-wife-is-a-hormonal-monster bits? Definitely wouldn't care for that type of man either. Ok so lets fast forward 10 years. You're divorced, 2 kids, and looking to date. You meet a guy who's 45, divorced, no kids. Are you really so turned off if his thought process is "Well I want kids, but I don't wanna start dating some immature 25 year old. I'd really like to date someone around my age who already has kids since I don't really care if the kids carry my dna." Heck would you really be so offended in that situation even if it was just "I want kids, I just don't wanna deal with waking up at 3am and changing diapers"? I realize you don't want that NOW, because right now you want someone who will do that since you don't have kids. But once you have them, I can't imagine not wanting a guy who was perfectly happy to accept you and the children as his family simply because he was happy to be out of diaper duty.
|
|
Firebird
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 29, 2010 12:55:06 GMT -5
Posts: 12,448
|
Post by Firebird on Apr 7, 2011 18:40:36 GMT -5
Guys who want kids but don't want to worry that you'll never lose the pregnancy weight. Or guys who want kids but don't want to deal with a complete psycho for 9 months. Or guys who want kids but don't want babies that just sleep, cry, and poop. Or guys who want kids but can't have them. Or guys who want kids but didn't have them young and don't want to be "old dads". Or guys who want kids but don't want to date someone of the age that they can conceive. Or guys who want kids but think that nurture is far more important than nature in being a father. Or guys who want kids but think it's socially irresponsible to continue overpopulating the earth. So in other words, guys who want all the "fun" of being a dad with none of the icky bits or baby bits or my-wife-is-a-hormonal-monster bits? Definitely wouldn't care for that type of man either. Ok so lets fast forward 10 years. You're divorced, 2 kids, and looking to date. You meet a guy who's 45, divorced, no kids. Are you really so turned off if his thought process is "Well I want kids, but I don't wanna start dating some immature 25 year old. I'd really like to date someone around my age who already has kids since I don't really care if the kids carry my dna." Heck would you really be so offended in that situation even if it was just "I want kids, I just don't wanna deal with waking up at 3am and changing diapers"? I realize you don't want that NOW, because right now you want someone who will do that since you don't have kids. But once you have them, I can't imagine not wanting a guy who was perfectly happy to accept you and the children as his family simply because he was happy to be out of diaper duty. No actually, let's back up. First of all, I specifically said that a guy who is okay with a woman having kids of her own is totally different than a guy who seeks out only women having kids of their own. Second, I would make a pretty major distinction between a thought process of "well, most women my age have kids and I don't want to date someone well below my age group, so let me focus on what is positive about the fact that my new life partner, if I find her, will most likely have kids... well for one thing, no diapers!" and a thought process of "WHEW, I successfully avoided having biological kids of my own, now I need to find a woman with kids so that I can enjoy them without having to deal with their annoying phase, plus I'll have a gorgeous woman who I don't even have to pressure into losing pregnancy weight!" I myself do not particularly want to deal with diaper changing and losing pregnancy weight and sore nipples and all that. However, I want to be a mother and I accept that there will be less-pleasant and less-fun parts about that. Deliberately seeking out a way to auger the most satisfaction from mothering someone with the least amount of responsibility is a pretty slimy mentality (to say nothing of being ludicrous). If I were in this position, I would want a man who was happy to take on me and my kids because we were awesome, not because he was stoked to be relieved of diaper duty.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 6, 2024 2:31:55 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 8, 2011 13:04:08 GMT -5
If it's not always a drama and every date is not introduced as their new daddy I don't see any harm in kids knowing their single mother is dating and meeting the dates. They don't have to know who their mother is having sex with and every guy should not move in, I hope that is obvious. But friends come in and out of our lives and kids lives all the time and its not a hugely traumatic experience. They change teachers every year. If they go to a big school they get new classmates every year. If they go to summer camp they don't see those counsellors again.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,866
|
Post by zibazinski on Apr 8, 2011 20:41:21 GMT -5
Seriously, you can date and even have sex without your kids and the whole world knowing about it.
|
|