Dating as a single parent

[Angel!]

How do people do it? I occasionally get comments about how I will meet someone great & get married again, live happily ever after, etc. On another thread a woman talked about getting married to a great guy after leaving her ex.

All I can think is how on earth do people have the time to get involved in a relationship. I already have my kids in daycare 45 hours a week. I don't want to add more time away from them by going out on dates, plus the added cost & trouble of getting a babysitter. I don't want to bring the kids on dates or bring a guy I don't know well home to hang out with the family. And for any of that to be a concern I would have to first go out & meet a guy I am even interested in.

I don't know, maybe it is just where I am in my life right now, but I seriously don't see this stuff anytime in the near future. It doesn't really bother me as I am pretty jaded on relationships & marriage right now. Still, whenever I hear about how I'll get remarried I can't help but wonder how I would even start on the dating path again with kids now in the mix.

I know some on here managed. How did you make it work? How did you juggle kids, work, and a new relationship?

[Gardening Grandma]

" I know some on here managed. How did you make it work? How did you juggle kids, work, and a new relationship?"

It was tough when they were small. Other than work and the kids I had essentially no life. They were teenagers when I met DH. We dated until they were out of the nest then we married.

[thyme4change]

Well - I don't know how old your kids are, but as they age you feel like you spend more time with them. I think it is the part where they don't have to go to bed at 7 pm anymore. Starting at age 6 - 8, they seem to go on a lot of sleepovers, which gives you "free" babysitting. Of course, the next weekend, you are the sleepover house. When they get to be 12-ish, or maybe 14, they don't need a babysitter anymore.

I've never been a single mom (knock on wood) but I can tell you that things that seemed impossible 3 years ago is now a given. Kids change so fast that your life finds a new stable point every year - rather than every decade. You might be surprised at what you can handle in a few years, when you are ready, vs. what you are doing now.

[Deleted]

I don't remember you situation. Does their father ever have the kids? The people I know have joint custody and have off weekend where they can go out and do things.

[kindthatjingles]

To be honest I don't even think about it. I am enjoying my freedom. I have two kids 8 and 4 and unlike a lot of divorced people I have them every weekend. So two nights a week they are with their Dad. I now get the "me" time I never had while with the Ex.

I am going to take the time to get to know myself again, get my poop in a pile and spend time with my wonderful kids. I feel no pressure to get married again at all.

I have been asked out on dates and I decline

I feel like after a divorce the kids should come first and I see too many examples of Mom's and Dad's leaving them with sitters to be out at the bars or with the flavor of the week.

(Heck my Ex didn't even let the pesky thing like Marriage keep him from dating )

Those kids suffer. Believe me I have seen it in my profession

I have girl's nights, pedicures when the budget allows, and treat myself to Chinese on ocassion.

Take care of YOU! and everything else will fall in line

[Angel!]

Apr 5, 2011 15:38:17 GMT -5 @pooks1976 said:

I don't remember you situation. Does their father ever have the kids? The people I know have joint custody and have off weekend where they can go out and do things.

There is joint custody, but given his current situation he has yet to actually take advantage of that fact. He comes over & visits them several times a week & often talks about wanting to take DS for a weekend, but hasn't done it yet. It is good in a way because I would just worry if he did have them.

[workpublic]

find contentment and happiness will follow. sounds like you guys got the contentment part down happiness might just sneak it's way in. then when you least expect it, a partner may come into the picture(or not. but it won't matter cause we are happy) ;D

that's what happened to me 10 years after my divorce(we had no kids though)

[Anne_in_VA]

I got divorced when my son was 2-1/2 yo. I didn't date until I met 2nd XH at work. We flirted a bit over several weeks until he asked me out. We went out to dinner on a Saturday and I got a babysitter. He came back to my place and we talked (that's all we did!) for hours and hours. The next day he called me to ask me out again. I told him I had to do laundry but if he wanted to come along, that was OK.

Two years later we got married. That lasted for almost 13 years until he got the 40 y.o. itch and cheated which was a deal breaker for me.

After that marriage ended, I dated on and off, but quit after a few years to just be by myself. A friend introduced me to DH and we've been together now for 4 years tomorrow.

[Angel!]

Apr 5, 2011 15:50:00 GMT -5 @tbird said:

But for myself - I gave up on dating. I didn't want to waste so much time.

This is how I feel right now. I guess I am just venting because I get tired of hearing about how I now can go meet Mr. Right who will be so much better than DH. I just want to kick people who say things like that.

I actually had one friend tell me that guys who don't want kids prefer women that already have kids. That way the pressure is off them to start having babies with her I was a little confused as to why I would want to be involved with a guy that doesn't want kids.

I just feel like putting effort towards dating would be putting my kids second when they need to be my primary concern. I would feel selfish for doing that right now. I just don't know how other women manage.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

I just feel like putting effort towards dating would be putting my kids second when they need to be my primary concern. I would feel selfish for doing that right now. I just don't know how other women manage.

They go on dates when the kiddo's are on visitation with the ex. Back years ago when I had custody of my kids, I dated when the kids were visiting with her.

[lulubean]

They don't, they go straight out and shack up with strange men and bring the uproar into the kids lives. Oh wait that must be my sister.

[Angel!]

Apr 5, 2011 16:09:03 GMT -5 @tbird said:

Enjoy your children, Angel D.


Besides, guys who prefer to date women with children just might be pedophiles......

Geez. Did you have to go and give me something else to worry about...

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

Besides, guys who prefer to date women with children just might be pedophiles......

I should click on "report to mod".

[michelyn8]

Angel, I used to agonize over never meeting anyone and would get so tired of those that would tell me I'd always have my kids. Uh...............no, not really. They grew up and are following their own interests which is exactly what I expected and wanted for them as children. I never intended for so much of my life to focus on them, but as others have said, after a while, I really didn't care whether I met anyone or not because I was having to much fun with my kids. And during those times they went out with friends or their dad took them, I really enjoyed the time by myself to do what I wanted (if I'd been in a relationship I wouldn't have had so much me time).

When I did try to date, I usually would go on weekends the ex would have them. During the time he was being a non-existent parent, if I really wanted to go out, I would get my niece to babysit. I rarely went out when they were with friends because I wanted to be on hand if something happened. There were also times they'd call me to come get them because things with dad weren't going well and I was always glad I was able to drop whatever I was doing to go.

I was also one of those moms who didn't let the person I was dating spend to much time around my kids until I was certain I wanted to really pursue the relationship. They kids knew I was dating and occasionally met the person if they came over for an evening, but we didn't do the "family" outings until I there had been more than a few dates.

I wouldn't worry to much about it right now. When you're ready and meet someone you really want to get to know better, you'll figure out what works best for you and yours.

[qofcc]

It was really hard to meet people and right before I divorced, I moved back to the area where I had grown up, but most of my friends had moved away so going out places with friends to meet people was out because I didn't really have any friends and dating co-workers is just messy, so I mostly did dating through the personals.

As I mentioned in another thread, I did a lot of lunch or quick happy hour or coffee dates so as not to take time away from the kids or spend money on a babysitter until I was sure I wanted to date someone. When we progressed to the going out in the evening phase, I would hire a babysitter to come over right before bed time or wait until both kids got invited to spend the night with other friends. Since I let them have friends sleep over almost every weekend and took their best friends with us to lots of activities, very very rarely I would call up each of their best friend's parents and ask if they would invite my child overnight since the teenage babysitter couldn't stay overnight.

When their dad lived nearby, he (or more accurately his mom or current girlfriend) had my kids on the weekends and I could go out (once he stopped stalking me), but he moved around a lot and would be way on the other side of the country for years at a time and I had no help at all. Almost all of the long term relationships I had were with single fathers who had their kids every weekend all weekend long and after a month or so, we stopped the "going out" phase of dating and moved on to the "renting movies and doing family stuff" with all 4 kids.

One of the hard things is you have to get to know someone well enough that you trust them to meet your kids before you bring them home, but you don't want to get to know them so well that you get too attached and it would upset you to have to break up with them they can't get along with the kids. I didn't find that having the kids getting too attached to someone else to be a problem (getting them to not resent the new guy was always a bigger problem), but I got really attached to the children of one guy I dated and I missed them like crazy for months after he broke up with me. A lot more than I missed him, so I guess it was for the best.

If I had it to do over, I would have kept waiting around for the guy who had too much going on in his life to make a commitment to me and come be a father to my kids. I was humiliated that I was good enough to sleep with long term but not good enough to marry but I think I was a better and much less stressed parent by myself then when I had someone else telling me how to raise my kids all the time and competing for my attention.

[Deleted]

I wasn't looking for anyone after my ex and I parted ways, but it just kind of happened. The ex had our son Friday-Sunday while I worked weekend 12 hour shifts and after about a year of that, I met someone at work that was on a different shift/department and we started going out after I'd get off work. Those were some crazy weekends! I'd get up at 5am to be to work by 6, put in 12 hours and then go out until 10 or 11 at night...fun times though. Monday - Thursday was just my son and I. He'd go to school during the day, but evenings, summers and days off I spent every minute with him.

It was probably another 6 months or so before I introduced the boyfriend to my son and we started doing things during the week with all three of us (like fishing or walking the lake).

Two years after we met, we got married and 10 months later our son came along. I never, ever would have imagined getting remarried and having another child 6 years ago. No way. Life is just kind of a crazy ride that you never really know what's going to happen.

[Deleted]

I wasn't looking for anyone after my ex and I parted ways, but it just kind of happened. He had our son Friday-Sunday while I worked weekend 12 hour shifts and after about a year of that, I met someone at work that was on a different shift/department and we started going out after I'd get off work. Those were some crazy weekends, I'd get up at 4am to be to work by 6. Put in a 12 hour shift, then go out until 10 or 11 every night. Monday through Thursday was devoted entirely to my son.

It was probably another 6 months or so before I introduced the boyfriend to my son and we started doing things during the week with all three of us (like fishing or walking the lake).

Two years after we met, we got married and 10 months later our son came along. Six years ago I would have never imagined being remarried with another baby. Absolutely, no way! Life is kind of funny though, it's like a crazy, unpredictable ride and you just need to go with it. Sometimes I look at my 9 month old and think that if I hadn't gone through all the hell I did he would never exist...so in the end it was worth it after all.

[Apple]

Angel D-- I got divorced when DS was 3 and didn't date anyone until he was 6. The guy I finally dated I'd been friends with for a few years and it just kind of "worked". When we got serious (considering marriage) we started involving my son more. That part is hard--you don't want to introduce your kids to random guys and you don't want them to "fall" for someone it won't work out with. The ex-bf cheated on me so I ended the relationship, my son was hurt too and that hurt me more than the break up did. It's been almost two years and I finally felt ready to date again last summer, but that didn't last long. Now I'm just single and a mom. If it happens, it happens, if not, well, I have my own hobbies and interests to keep me occupied. At some point it will just "feel right" to start dating again. The harder part is deciding when to let a guy meet your kids. DS is now 13 so if I had someone to date I could do so easily (except overnights) as he doesn't need a babysitter. My ex doesn't take him (in fact, he has only come around to see DS twice since the divorce 10 years ago) so I never had "time off" either.

Good luck

[Deleted]

I wasn't looking for anyone after my ex and I parted ways, but it just kind of happened. He had our son Friday-Sunday while I worked weekend 12 hour shifts and after about a year of that, I met someone at work that was on a different shift/department and we started going out after I'd get off work. Those were some crazy weekends, I'd get up at 4am to be to work by 6. Put in a 12 hour shift, then go out until 10 or 11 every night. Monday through Thursday was devoted entirely to my son.

It was probably another 6 months or so before I introduced the boyfriend to my son and we started doing things during the week with all three of us (like fishing or walking the lake).

Two years after we met, we got married and 10 months later our son came along. Six years ago I would have never imagined being remarried with another baby. Absolutely, no way! Life is kind of funny though, it's like a crazy, unpredictable ride and you just need to go with it. Sometimes I look at my 9 month old and think that if I hadn't gone through all the hell I did he would never exist...so in the end it was worth it after all.

[Deleted]

Guess what, Angel D? You don't have to be half of a couple to have a life I was single for 17 years after Whatsisname, The Father of My Children and I were divorced. I dated only occasionally and never seriously while the kids were still preteens/young teens. As they got older, I went out with friends after work from time to time, visited with my other women friends, and never felt like I "had" to find another man and marry again. That TGH came along when he did was pure serendipity. If not for his turning up again in my life, I doubt very much that I'd have married again.

Heck, just live your life, and if someone turns up, fine. And if that happens, you'll find time to date if you're so inclined.

[Deleted]

I met DH in a theology class just after I'd had my then-husband removed from the house with a restraining order. DS was 12, so old enough for me to go to that class at night once a week. We got to know each other for a year before I got my decree, so it was awhile before we actually dated. DS was doing badly in middle school and I ended up sending him to a military boarding school for HS- well, THAT made dating easier! I never dated anyone but current DH and we didn't get married for 6 years, so my son had a long time to adjust. DH and I also kept separate houses till we got married, which I also think was good for DS. If I'd brought a new man into the household or we'd moved in with now-DH quickly, it would have been a lot harder on DS.

I also made a point of never even spending the night with DH when DS was home- I was always back in my own bed at night. Finally, the week after DH and I married, I said to my son, "I'm spending the night with my husband. Deal with it." He was 18 at the time.

[Angel!]

Thanks everyone! It is so much nicer to hear from people that have been there & done that. I am sick of the advice that I am getting from friends that have never been through any of this.

In theory, I don't mind the idea of being single forever. In fact, in some ways I prefer it. But, at the same time it gets lonely when you are used to always having someone else there for you. I guess I am still adjusting to my new life.

[Plain Old Petunia]

Angel, your kids are still babies. When my kids were babies, I thought the work, work, work would never end! But it does. In time, they will be off doing their own thing at times, which will allow you some "me" time to use however you would like.

Your divorce is still pretty recent, you have babies, you have a full-time job. It is no wonder at all that you have no time for dating right now.

It is a big adjustment to go from being married to being single. I am finding now that it is also a big adjustment to go from living alone to living with an SO again. Was it a big adjustment way back when I got married? I guess it must have been. But you know, it's been so long, I can't remember.

[debtheaven]

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[debtheaven]

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[buster]

I do have to say as a man that his is a pretty depressing thread. It seems the common theme is each of you had very young children when you divorced your husband.

Do you feel the cause of this had more to do with the stress young children or the personality of your spouse. I do notice that quite a few of you were able to meet wonderful people in the future and everything turned out great. Just curious if experience or the fact that the children were older and it was a much less stressful time in your life played a bigger role in meeting the right person.

Sorry to threadjack.

[debtheaven]

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[Apple]

buster--for me it was the spouse's personality, he just never really grew up and accepted that he had a family. When DS was about two years old he started going out drinking at a cousin's house every night. Cousin's house had single girls our age (we were 21/22 or so) and all the guys were single as well. Turns out partying and drinking are more fun than going to work and taking care of a kid. When he got laid off near the end of the marriage he resented staying home while I went to school full time and worked to pay the mortgage and other bills. Eventually he started taking it out on DS--I wasn't going to have any of that. I think the fact that I've never denied him visitation and he's only seen DS twice in 10 years says a lot about his character and value as a "father". He only lives an hour and a half away and has been through our town countless times to visit the cousin and other family. I've heard he's engaged to a girl without kids. I'm thankful all the time that he had a vasectomy after DS was born so he can never father another child just to treat it like crap.

Me? If and when the right guy comes along I plan to let things happen, just slowly. I work with pretty much all men (with some of them for over 10 years) and they can't believe I'm still single. Apparently I've got something to offer, I'm just so shy it's hard to get to know me.

[Deleted]

I've been a single parent for about 15 years. When my ex and I divorced, getting married again was the last thing on my mind. I pretty much still feel the same way now.

I've always been grateful that my ex's family and my family wanted to spend time with my children. They've all spent weekends with my kids, taken them on vacations with them; they also spent a week every summer and some spring breaks with a close relative in another state. Thank GOD for my family, including the ex's family.

So, I've had a lot of kid-free time to date if I wanted to. I did my thing, but I kept that seperate from my life as a single Mom. I played while the kids were away. I love men, but I didn't want them seeing me with a lot of different men. I have friends that jump from relationship to relationship and have all these men around their kids and I just didn't want to do that. Raising my children has been my priority and I haven't met anyone that was important enough to me to involve them in my kids' lives.

I'll never forget a few years ago I was giving DD advice about boys and she said "Mom what do you know about men......... you haven't been with anybody since Daddy". LOL I try to be a good Mom, but I'm no saint!

I'm almost done raising children now and I still have the same attitude about relationships. If I meet someone that becomes special to me, lovely. If I don't, I can still be happy being single.

[Deleted]

Angel, don't worry about what your friends say. You know what's right for you and your children and it's your life; do you.