Secret Santa. Advice wanted on variations.

[debthaven]

The gift-giving has gotten out of hand here. Not in terms of cost (because I'm very good at sticking to a budget), but in terms of shopping.

My ex is from a VERY wealthy family. So my kids have gotten used to a certain level of gift giving. They know what the limit is there, and here, and again, that's OK too.

What's NOT OK (to me) is the volume of people *WE* all have to give gifts to, and the volume of of people our kids have to give gifts to.

I WOULD LIKE SUGGESTIONS FOR A SECRET SANTA POLICY, WITH SOME CAVEATS.

- There is NO way we will not give our kids Christmas presents.

- I am a minimalist (DH is still a work in progress) so we are perfectly happy for either ONE gift each/both from ALL the kids

- The main problem I am seeing this year is that ALL the kids are giving ALL the other kids (including spouses/partners) a present. I know some are joint presents, but I would LOVE to reduce that for them. I'm thinking, 4 kids, 2 spouses/long-term partners, everyone gives to ONE person, with a price limit? To me THAT is where the Secret Santa needs to start.

Please help me with this. I'm Jewish (but DH is not so we celebrate Christmas) LOL.

[steph08]

We don't do secret Santa, but once we all started having kids, we gave up presents to siblings/spouses. So instead of buying for my brother, sister-in-law, and niece, we just buy for our niece. Instead of buying for DH's sister, BIL, and nephew, we just buy for our nephew.

That at least cuts out four people, for us. We all buy whatever we want anyway.

[debthaven]

That's a great idea steph08 ! But I'm not sure it will fit my situation since for now only ONE of my 4 kids has a child.

But definitely something to keep in mind for the future!

[buystoys]

We don't exchange gifts with our siblings or parents.  Nieces and nephews under 18 receive a card with money.  Once they are 18, not more gifts.

When I can, I bake and make candy for the neighbors and friends.  I wasn't able to do that last year or this year, but everyone understands.

Zero shopping necessary.  I love it!

[justme]

Since it sounds like it would only cut down on the gifts the kids buy, not you, what do the kids want?

I hate secret Santa because I invariably get someone I don't know. Plus there's picking the range and you have to make it narrow.

You might just be stuck with it until more have kids. I struggle to figure out what to get my bro and his wife every year. But luckily I only have one bro.

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

In DH's family (he has seven siblings), we do "White Elephant". On one of the Saturdays before Christmas, depending on where Christmas falls, everyone meets at one of the sibling's houses. Everyone brings a gift. It can be from one's clutter or up to $15 new. 


Once a kid turns 15-ish and depending on the kid (so not a niece who has autism) he/she gets to participate in the above. Under that age, "Santa" brings an early present to the part for each child. 

[Tennesseer]

Fruitcakes for everyone!  

Got nuthin' else to add.

[TheOtherMe]

Sister's kids have drawn names for years.  They give parents a gift from (I'm guessing) the three who aren't in the dog house.  

With four kids, then spouses and then grandkids, it got to be too much for them.

I stopped giving to my niece and nephews when I realized we were exchanging gift cards and several were to the same place.  What was the point?

It helped me get clear on gift giving when my rep payee client wanted to spend 2 months of her limited income on gifts to her only grandchild, two children and 6 or 7 siblings and their spouses.  She did not have enough money to do that.  I ended up giving her 1/2 of the amount I set as her budget in time for Black Friday and the other 1/2 a couple of weeks later.  The woman had a spending problem and couldn't handle having any money.  It would be spent within hours of her receiving money.

[empress of self-improvement]

Dec 23, 2018 15:58:14 GMT -5 buystoys said:

We don't exchange gifts with our siblings or parents.  Nieces and nephews under 18 receive a card with money.  Once they are 18, not more gifts.

When I can, I bake and make candy for the neighbors and friends.  I wasn't able to do that last year or this year, but everyone understands.

Zero shopping necessary.  I love it!

We do the same thing. Most of the nieces and nephews have aged out so that has gone down dramatically. DH's family is large so it works out great. I just have a sister and BIL so that works out for me as well! I will admit I would totally buy presents for their dogs too but they have special diets so I don't. My cats will get catnip, right after I remember to buy it Those shits are spoiled enough as it is.

[tcu2003]

DH is one of 3 boys, all have kids, and DH and one brother are married. When they all were married, we drew names. Once oldest brother got divorced, we changed the rules up so SIL and I always get a gift for each other, and the brothers rotate so A has B, B has C and C has A one year. Then the next year, A has C, B has A, and C has B.

We currently buy for all nieces and nephew, though oldest niece is now married and has a daughter about 6 months younger than my daughter. We currently get her and her H a joint gift, and then gift for the great niece. I’d like to just add them to the adult exchange, but we’ll see what happens next year.

If you want a joint gift from all your kids, you will likely need one of them being willing to coordinate it. My sis and I do a joint gift for my mom frequently, but we talk all the time and have an idea of what she needs or wants. For instance, we got her a concert ticket for her birthday and she went with my aunt and uncle. For Christmas, she’s getting a Dyson vacuum.


We’ve never done a joint gift for DH’s parents with his brothers because I’m not willing to coordinate it and neither DH nor his brothers have done so. Until this year - yes!! Their oven went out a couple of months ago and they’ve been making do with a toaster oven, microwave and their stove as theirs is a built-in and apparently pricey (it might be a convection oven - not sure). We never know what to get them, and this seemed like a no-brainer, so DH coordinated with his brothers. It’s more than we’d typically spend, but I’d rather get them something they need than more stuff they don’t need.

[Deleted]

It is too late for this year, but can you guys not talk?

My adult kids were thrilled when we stopped exchanging presents.  DH and I never got in the habit.

I can't get out of it, though, with my sister.  It isn't difficult.  We get each other the same present year after year.  We send her a family calendar and Fairytale brownies.  She sends us a plant to grow.  It is so mechanical.

[Apple]

We started with just drawing names, but one of my sisters has pretty much disappeared, and we didn't feel "right" doing it and not including her.  So, we stopped.

Now, we don't gift exchange at all if we don't feel like it.  If we do, it's 99% of the time something homemade (candy, cookies, popcorn balls, cocoa mix, hot pads, spice rubs, etc.)  This year I smoked some salt that I'll give to everyone in a salt grinder, with a little jar for a refill (total cost/gift around $7, $6 of that was the grinder and refill jar).

I'd discuss with the kids and see what they want to do.  Our family is pretty laid back about this stuff (we "potluck" any holiday dinners, so no one person has to do all the work, stuff like that).  So, there are no hard feelings if someone isn't into it any given year and you don't get a gift from them.

[hoops902]

So with the caveat that I really am not into gift-giving and receiving...here is how both sides of my family handle Christmas...as well as what one extended family side does that I think is really fun (and always a highlight of our year).

My side...grandparents give gifts to kids and grandkids.  Kids give gifts to grandparents.  Kids gift nieces and nephews.  That's it.  

My wife's side.  Same thing (my MIL wanted to do a secret santa with just the adult kids/spouses...but given there are only 2 kids, and 2 spouses, it would just turn into us buying them a gift card and them buying us a gift card...so we just buy for each other's kids instead.

My wife's extended family plays a game we ALL love.  It's a bigger family gathering...made up of 3 core families really.  Everyone brings a gift with a $20 limit.  Then we play this game which is sort of like yankee swap (stealing each other's gifts), but is based on some random traits.  There is a list of I think 13 items (things like the tallest, the shortest, who has tattoos, who has piercings, who came from out of state, who has blond hair, brunette hair, etc)...and someone draws a card which relates to one of the 13 items (playing cards, ace-king).  If the item applies to you, you can pick a gift or steal a gift (and they have these little mini-games to determine the order if more than 1 person applies to the description).  The mini-games make it fun, the stealing gifts makes it fun, stealing from your own core family gets EVERYONE in a tizzy, etc.  

Both sides of the family (extended at least) have done some kind of name-drawing...both have had it die out because it's just a big pain.  Someone can't show up, everyone just resorts to gift cards, etc.  

[Happy prose]

There are 5 of us that exchange gifts on Christmas, all adults. Since this year has turned into everyone getting gift cards, we decided next year to do www.elfster.com. We will set a $ limit. Everyone makes wish lists, so you'll get something you want, but still be somewhat surprised. We do have one kid to buy for on my husband's side, but we don't see the on Christmas day anyway. (Thank God!)

[oped]

My sister and I get my dad the exact same thing for Christmas every year as he says he wants. He writes checks. His current wife feels a need to give presents and gives sis and I exactly the same thing and my kids usually get the same thing too.

Mom and we exchange gifts based on what we want. She usually gives gifts cards any more, cash to my kids. My moms side we all get for great grandma... usually what she needs or gift cards for groceries, oil, hair appointments, etc. oneyearweall bought her a 3/4 barhroom addition on the first floor. She gets for kids. As you have them, your kids get presents you don’t. Ie. My 28 year old cousin still gets a gift because she doesn’t have kids yet but the rest of us, one by one, gave up gift getting to our children as we had them, if that makes sense.

I hate secret Santa. If I did it I’d do the buy something nice and generic for 20$ Game thing someone described. OR I have a friend whose family does regular name exchange but does a theme every year... buy a game one year. Buy a t-shirt one year... etc. maybe buy an experience? That would be cool.

But I too think if the kids buy gifts it should be their choice. Some people like to buy gifts...

[debthaven]

Thanks for your suggestions!

The problem with Secret Santa here is this is my immediate family, not extended family. DH has suggested stopping the stockings except for Baby!, so there's that.

I can't imagine not giving my kids gifts so I want to suggest the Secret Santa for THEM (4 siblings + 2 partners). Not for us, and not for Baby!

The kids would not have a problem getting together for our gift(s), they often do that anyway.

As tcu2003 said,  if the kids and their partners do a SS for each other, it won't change much for us, so it should be up to them. I'm guessing it will come up tomorrow, especially since it was my DDIL who brought up the idea. That's what they now do in her family (4 generations). My 3 older kids also have their dad (my ex) and his family.

DH and DS3 are both fervently against the idea but if it concerns the kids/partners, they are indeed the ones who should decide.

IMO even doing a SS for that generation that would scale things back, even if not for us. But I'd probably use that as an opportunity to scale things back for us too.

[Works4me]

Some of it will happen naturally as they get older and busier with families of their own. Was it the DIL with the baby who brought it up?

You are kind of the that gray zone as they transition from being members of your nuclear family to creating their own nuclear families. Also, if you want to scale back, go for it. That might also help them.

[debthaven]

That is very true Works4me! Yes it was my DIL with the baby (my only DIL in fact).

We had a wonderful Christmas. Nobody brought up the idea of a SS, but we'll see if it comes up next year. The kids are all in close contact.

[raeoflyte]

We've tried really hard to scale things back with the in-laws over and over and it never works. This year I thought we had at least managed it with sil/bil, because they brought up how silly it was to just buy stuff that they could all buy for themselves for bil's family and would rather spend the money on experiences.  I said we'd be down for changing things up and they jumped on it, but somehow they were asking for our lists not 2 weeks later and no matter how much I tried to push back we still ended up exchanging gifts.  Even beyond costs, its just the stuff.  I'm so over stuff.  

Debt -- I would say mention to your other kids to talk to your son/dil for next year.  

[Chocolate Lover]

A part of DH's extended family would have a Christmas party where each adult brought a (man or woman) gift and gifts for your own kids to open. The adults drew numbers and chose from their gender piles until everyone had something to open. One year I got the gift we brought with us. 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

My family is really small so I don't mind doing presents for the adults.  I can when I want to do it pretty cheaply.

DH's immediate family alone is huge.  They did Secret Santa the first year I dated DH.   Gift price was set at $100.  I was a broke college student.    Fortunately that was the only year they did it.

Now we skip adults all together though I will sometimes do hand made items for his parents (this year I embroidered pillow cases and a tote bag).   Kids get presents until age 18.   Most of DH's nieces/nephews have aged out, Gwen and Abby are the only two left.   He has great nieces/nephews but we only see them on holidays and don't ever know till the last minute if they are coming so I decided to opt out.   They get plenty from their grandparents/parents they don't notice there isn't one more.

[oped]

I get the cousins kids presents at moms side Christmas. 9 right now. Partly because I like to, partly a little, if I had to admit it because mine were the first and older by 4-6 years from the next youngest with most much younger, and my kids got savings bonds that I’m sure originally they intended to do for all great grand kids but I know didn’t beyond at least first 4... maybe mine alone.

It’s always books and art supplies. Nothing exciting but fun enough.

[debthaven]

I fully expected DDIL to bring it up, and I was even ready to bring it up for her. But once she remarked (very nicely) that there were indeed a lot of gifts under the tree, I never heard another word about it, and she seemed thrilled!

She is very close to/open with her two BILs. She gets along well with but is less close to DD, her SIL.

So if something changes, like others have said, either it will either come from the kids themselves, or it will happen organically as the kids marry and have kids of their own. I wouldn't be surprised if it comes up next year, but I decided I didn't want to be the one to change things. I decided to let them worry about it.

Thank you again for all the advice/suggestions!

[cktc]

My boss started doing a Secret Santa with her family and includes my family in it. It seemed like a nice idea at first, but we went from buying one couple gift for my boss and her husband to 4 individual gifts plus a birthday present for one of the grand kids. It's a lot.

One of my sisters suggested we just get together and decorate ornaments. We haven't yet but that definitely seems much less stressful. For adults you could just have dinner and board games, or a bottle swap if everyone drinks.

[justme]

Are all the kids coupled? Another thing to consider. The only gifts I got (not counting gift cards from my company or boss) was from my brother/sil and parents. So two because my parents gave money towards family trip as the present this year. So in my small family if the "kids" stopped doing presents I would have only gotten a novelty present this year.

That's my sad story 😉

[garion2003]

Dec 23, 2018 22:22:20 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

It is too late for this year, but can you guys not talk?

My adult kids were thrilled when we stopped exchanging presents.  DH and I never got in the habit.

I can't get out of it, though, with my sister.  It isn't difficult.  We get each other the same present year after year.  We send her a family calendar and Fairytale brownies.  She sends us a plant to grow.  It is so mechanical.

I'm the adult kid in my family who was thrilled at this! When my brother got married and moved away, it was just my parents and me. Seems silly to buy them things they don't need. And for them to buy me things (at this stage in my life I can buy my own things!). My parents are on a fixed income. So it just made sense. We started out doing something like delivering meals to the elderly on Xmas day. Then we decided to give to a charitable cause. Now we just do a nice meal, sometimes at home with guests, sometimes at a restaurant.

The challenge was visiting my uncle (mom's brother) and my 2 cousins. They are big into gift giving. Mom has talked to them over the years and now we don't exchange gifts (they do) BUT we still do something for the nephew. Although he's now 20, so even may change. But for now, my parents and I each give a card and money to the nephew and no one else.

and LOL at the exchanging the same present year after year. That's what was making it so ridiculous with my family. We would end up doing the same things. Or as someone else said, exchanging gift cards for the same place.

It's a culture shift and may not work for everyone, but it's made the holidays a lot less stressful.

[Apple]

Jan 2, 2019 12:23:42 GMT -5 garion2003 said:

and LOL at the exchanging the same present year after year. 

I pretty much do this with my dad (the homemade pie crust mixes), but it was such a hit for him that he started requesting it.  So, awesome.  And, for the first year in the last few years, I did not get knitted socks from my mom.  I was a little sad, lol.  But, she gives them to me throughout the year, and my dad had told her sisters to take them all when they came to visit (she knits a big stash year round so she can give them out whenever she wants/"needs" to, and hadn't had the chance to rebuild the stash).  I guess it was just something I looked forward to more than I realized, even though I can knit my own now!

But, those are things we really want and appreciate.  If it were just the giving of gift cards back and forth, or a box of chocolates from a store, I'd be good letting that die (and we pretty much have!)

[TheOtherMe]

When I realized that all I was doing with my sister, BIL, niece and nephews was exchanging gift cards, I decided to end it.  

I miss my mom giving me her knitted wash cloths.  I will never used the final two or three, but they make me think of her.

Dad does appreciate his Dairy Queen gift card.  He rarely has to pay at DQ, between the gift cards he receives for Christmas, his birthday and Father's Day.  He certainly doesn't need anything.  He actually does need things like underwear, socks, etc., but he doesn't want new things and refuses to wear anything new.

[sesfw]

He actually does need things like underwear, socks, etc., but he doesn't want new things and refuses to wear anything new.

A suggestion.  Buy undies and socks for him but wash them before wrapping and giving to him.  Tell him they have been washed so technically not new.

From one sly old fox to another.

I get White House ornaments from the WH historical society and send them to my brothers for Christmas.  So far they have liked them and we are up to the Truman WH.  The whole set is great.

We send gifts to DHs sons.  They are in their 50 with no kids of their own so we like getting something for them to open.  One of the gifts is a wall calendar, and for years would send Arizona Hiways Calendars.  The youngest son didn't like his dad moving to AZ so requested no more AZ hiways …… OK ……. I'm thinking of doing it sometime just to irritate him.  1800 miles is far enough to stay out of trouble, but I haven't done it.  No sense making him any madder than he already is.

We enjoy getting small things for kids, grands, g-grands.  Nothing huge, other family members do a good job on that.

[TheOtherMe]

Mom used to toss his underwear, etc. when she did the laundry and sneak in new ones.  That's a good idea because he wears everything until it no longer holds together.  He complains the clothes "hurt".