ners
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Post by ners on Mar 27, 2019 5:41:01 GMT -5
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Mar 27, 2019 5:54:37 GMT -5
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Mar 27, 2019 6:20:37 GMT -5
I'm sorry Sam. Lots of hugs. You and your children deserve so much better than this.
It won't always be easy but it's worth it. I know you don't want your three little ones learning that this is okay and normal. They deserve a happy mom.
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Mar 27, 2019 7:39:46 GMT -5
I'm so sorry Sam. At least you have a direction picked and you'll know that you gave him every. single. opportunity.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Mar 27, 2019 8:06:14 GMT -5
Sorry, Sam. I hope everything works out for you. Big hugs.
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chapeau
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Post by chapeau on Mar 27, 2019 8:06:24 GMT -5
So sorry, Sam. Yes, the kids will be fine. You will be, too.
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gs11rmb
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Post by gs11rmb on Mar 27, 2019 8:56:19 GMT -5
Just reiterating what every poster said before me... your kids will not only be fine, they will be better off in the long run. This is not a healthy atmosphere for them to experience.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 27, 2019 9:16:08 GMT -5
Yes, ditto to everything everyone else posted.
Hugs Sam_2.0. You and the kids will be ok in the long run.
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chen35
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Post by chen35 on Mar 27, 2019 10:24:23 GMT -5
I'm so sorry Sam. ::Hugs::
Being a step-mom for the last 10 years I can tell you that not only can your kids be okay, but they can be amazing and so can you!
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finnime
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Post by finnime on Mar 27, 2019 10:26:53 GMT -5
So sorry he's being a dipshit. You deserve so much better.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Mar 27, 2019 11:11:07 GMT -5
So sorry he's being a dipshit. You deserve so much better. Or maybe fuckwit
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Mar 27, 2019 11:55:28 GMT -5
It will take time but you and the kids will be better off in the long run.
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azucena
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Post by azucena on Mar 27, 2019 11:57:00 GMT -5
So sorry he's being a dipshit. You deserve so much better. Or maybe fuckwit definitely a duchecanoe
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Mar 27, 2019 12:03:47 GMT -5
Hugs Sam. There will be an adjustment period but ultimately you will all be happier.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Mar 27, 2019 13:50:51 GMT -5
Hugs Sam, your kids will be fine, and you will shine as a single Mom!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Mar 27, 2019 14:55:50 GMT -5
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Mar 27, 2019 16:28:08 GMT -5
So sorry Sam. Yes, you and the kids will be fine. There will be some relief in doing it alone, believe it or not. You won't have the stress of waiting on *someone* to step up and do their part, and sometimes that's easier. You know what you have to do and you just figure out how and get it done. No more stressing/wondering if someone remembers what you asked them to do. Still sucks that he just can't be bothered.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Mar 27, 2019 17:09:34 GMT -5
For me the biggest relief was no longer riding that roller coaster of anxiety waiting for the other shoe to drop!
I, of course, could not control him or his drinking. All I could do was count the months since his last blow out binge and wait for his next one. The more days, weeks, months that went by, the more up tight and anxious I became, anticipating the next one.
I can only speak for myself, but I stand behind you and support you in whatever decision you make. You are a smart, strong and competent woman. You are a good mom and all of you will come through this ok.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Mar 27, 2019 17:45:52 GMT -5
Also, for better or worse, I think you'll be a single parent MORE than you think. Before you get upset, on many levels, that makes life much easier. I'm sure their Dad will always be in their lives, but since he has always been more of a partier than a parent, YOU will have the lion's share of the time with them. Since you have your parents and your sister to help occasionally, globally, you'll probably find that that's a GOOD thing. My guess is that he will take them religiously (no pun intended) but that his PARENTS will be the ones looking after them. Over time, that will probably fade out though.
You have your parents, your sister, as well as him and his family. You WILL have childcare/a break when you need it. But yes, you will certainly be doing the lion's share. And given the situation, as long as you have back-up, it's not such a bad thing, because it means that YOU will be the primary parent, you will transmit YOUR values to your kids, and YOU will provide consistency for them. As you know Sam, we were foreigners. Our friends were our new families. I know that you will find new people to rely on, because you are someone they can rely on too. Close friends can become family too.
We are and always will be rooting for you and your kids Sam.
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debthaven
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Post by debthaven on Mar 27, 2019 18:50:05 GMT -5
Also, this is the beech coming out, but if you're going to file, file now. It's much better for all of you if YOU get custody and he just gets visitation.
If you mention the drug abuse, you'll get custody. And as difficult as it can be sometimes, that's what you want, because that's what's best for your kids.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Mar 28, 2019 15:36:06 GMT -5
They'll get joint custody likely with her as the custodial parent. He'll still get his time with the kids as he hasn't proven to be a danger to them.
Sam, has he at least acknowledged that he was wrong for coming home in the condition he was in and tried to behave himself since?
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Mar 28, 2019 16:20:03 GMT -5
Raise hand: did he do something after he got home? As in was very loud, disruptive? Yell at you? The kids? Hit someone?
I am asking because coming home drunk and high to most people my “age” is not unusual or a cause for divorce... definitely not the drunk part; that is a regular Saturday night out.
I have gone out with my wife as the designated driver and came back home highly intoxicated (never been drunk off my ass in my life because I am too much of a control freak but I will get close)... I am mostly very happy when I am highly intoxicated.
My wife would prefer that I am not (for personal moral reasons - she does not drink) but has not been an issue. High never tested because we both don’t smoke but I know of friends that do as a couple or solo as part of a couple.
- are you against him smoking? - is that a deal breaker for you? - is that a concern to you? - does he act differently when he does?
Sorry I am asking because if my wife went to our group of friends or family and said: I am leaving Carl, he came home drunk and high last night “....
They would all be looking at her and waiting for her to finish because there must be more for he story...
Or maybe I hang with a more liberal crowd and “drunk and high” is not that “crazy” or unacceptable on our list of lines that may not be crossed.
Again your decision, your marriage and I respect it. Just wanting to know if there is more to the story I am missing...
ETA : and my wife is very conservative (the most conservative out of our group of friends) and we are both from very religious/conservative families aka no alcohol or drugs EVER.
Yet while my mom or aunts will give me disapproving look when they visit and I have a beer at my house or tell me to watch it if I have a second... that is about the limit. But out of respect for them I know no drink is served at their house or functions they hold so will not drink there (my house, my rules). And even them would be surprised if that was my wife reaction
So that is why I am scratching my head asking if there is more to the story I am missing; I know from past post you also drink so it is not the drinking (maybe the being drunk part??? ) or is it the pot?
Just wanting some clarity sorry. And perfectly ok if you do not want to answer.
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TheOtherMe
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Post by TheOtherMe on Mar 28, 2019 16:24:54 GMT -5
This thread explains much more than this one incident of the issues Sam has.
Other than that, I will let Sam speak for herself.
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oped
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Post by oped on Mar 28, 2019 16:34:20 GMT -5
I think it feels like a possible regression into old patterns H.
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Mar 28, 2019 16:37:09 GMT -5
This thread explains much more than this one incident of the issues Sam has. Other than that, I will let Sam speak for herself. I understand that but I am approaching it as someone that has had a rough patch in his marriage and decided to give it a go. When you decide to truly give your marriage a chance (if you do); you also have to learn to slowly let go of the past and give the relationship a chance; without holding on to past hurt. Obviously the being drunk and high triggered something in her or he did something. But my question is : it is being looked at objectively. Is she seeing it from the wife that is hurt and resentful of her husband and this is one more time too much? Or from the new view and new beginning? Did they discuss the use of alcohol and drugs? Did she make her point clear about her expectations? The guy has been trying, he has made the effort and put in some work. Off course that does not wipe the slate clean but how can they move forward if everything he has done wrong in his past keep being thrown in his face? That is why I ask: did he do something wrong? Or did this trigger something in her? Is being drunk or smoking pot a definitive deal breaker for her? Also expecting the person to be 100% perfect because you are giving them a chance is unrealistic, they may fuck up here and there. Discuss it, let them know how you feel and why and work it out. But again that is because in my book/ my relationship being drunk and smoking pot is not a “deal breaker”... is it for her? And did he know?
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TheHaitian
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Post by TheHaitian on Mar 28, 2019 16:46:46 GMT -5
I think it feels like a possible regression into old patterns H. But is it? Or is it just triggering something in her that she needs to acknowledge and work through? That is saying just because I cheated on my wife every time I speak to another woman that is a regression into old patterns... Is it? Or is it just a conversation with respectful Boundaries ? Scene: using the example above ; my wife walks into my job and see me talking to another lady. Smiling etc. REGRESSION!!! I want a divorce now! While I could just be talking to a customer, a friend or a co-worker and making conversation. If smoking pot and getting drunk used to be an acceptable behavior in their household ; behavior that they did not discuss about changing or limiting or stopping... her reaction speaks more volume about her fears or her not dealing with the past then they speak about him being a poor husband or father.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 28, 2019 17:04:36 GMT -5
Carl- Respectfully stop. You just don't understand. Sometimes, there's no working it out when there's some pretty major dysfunction at play. And sometimes "some" work is not good enough. There are a couple of us here, in that situation. Sometimes, we partners need to demand "best work at all times" otherwise it's simply just no good.
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justme
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Post by justme on Mar 28, 2019 17:28:51 GMT -5
This man has previously spent $1200 a month on booze and who knows what else for months on end while his wife was supporting the family on her salary. (Who also went to a bar every night to talk to his pretty bartender leaving Sam with the kids all the time.) So yes, him coming home wasted can be a problem considering his relationship with alcohol. Especially if it wasn't agreed upon that he was going to go out and party - which it sounds like Sam had no idea until his dumb drunk ass came home.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Mar 28, 2019 17:34:34 GMT -5
Carl- Respectfully stop. You just don't understand. Sometimes, there's no working it out when there's some pretty major dysfunction at play. And sometimes "some" work is not good enough. There are a couple of us here, in that situation. Sometimes, we partners need to demand "best work at all times" otherwise it's simply just no good. Agreed. For us to work DH will have to be a teetotaler. There is no good enough because he is incapable of moderation. I get this will not be a linear process but I can't let go when he relapses. Otherwise he's never going to change. It's up to Sam how many times she wants to ride the rollercoaster. She's not obligated to save someone from himself.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Mar 28, 2019 19:15:44 GMT -5
It's not about the drinking in isolation. Carl, you only equate a safe partner as one that doesn't beat his wife. I wonder. If your daughter came to you and said.."Gee dad, I can't trust my husband. He's not safe for me. I cannot be vulnerable with him. I cannot count on him...Sure, he's put together a few good months after years of being untrustworthy.." Would you tell her "Suck it up butter cup? He doesn't beat you. He's been good for a few months. Clearly he's changed. Get over it."
Would you tell your daughter that she MUST stay with a partner that is not safe for her? Or might you say "Kiddo, you are worth a safe partner. Don't settle." Some of us know our worth, and that we deserve a safe partner, and don't have to settle for whatever scraps are thrown our way. And I really hope that you would teach this to your daughter.
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