NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,339
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 25, 2018 15:42:23 GMT -5
We were caught by surprise the first time we did dance. I had no idea costumes for a freaking 4 year old would be that damn expensive! I was also unemployed but I didn't want to tell her no so I charged it. Later I found out my parents and his would have chipped in if I had asked but I was too embarassed. It's not like I am proud of that or make it a habit. We learned from that and moved to a different studio that charges a hell of a lot less for production fees and costumes. I will admit I am relieved she decided to not continue with dancing. I am just not cut out to be a dance mom. They tried to rope us into doing competitive dance. JFC where do people come up with that kind of money?!
|
|
NastyWoman
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:50:37 GMT -5
Posts: 14,426
|
Post by NastyWoman on Jan 25, 2018 15:47:47 GMT -5
Bonny, I don’t know what you’re referring to as a “personal attack”. When someone, in this case Tiny, insinuates that a parent is depriving a child of something because that parent isn’t budgeting properly, I take offense because my interpretation is that person believes I’m not a good parent. I don’t appreciate that implication and I don’t need to be told by anyone I’m not a good parent, much less by someone who is has not raised children. I know I’m an epic failure at parenting. I already tell myself that every day. Like others I do not read that in Tiny's post at all. But I do understand where you come from since you tell us in those last two sentences. You personally consider it a failure that you can't give your DD everything you would like to give her. But that does not hold true for most (of the) posters. A child not getting x, y, z is NOT depriving the child unless x, y, z are things like food, clothing, and shelter. And even if you can't provide those that does not make someone per definition a bad parent. Neglect and abuse do, but not whether you have money for a tuba, or dance camp, or a horse, or whatever of their own. You are projecting your feelings onto others here but I think you are a wonderful mom and I am not alone in that opinion!
For the record, my kids grew up in a decidedly upper middle class environment and I never had to worry about whether I could afford something. That does not mean they would get everything they wanted or even close to it. And there wouldn'd have been enough money in the world for a tuba to get into my house. Just. Not. Going. To. Happen!
Two boys without tubas or drums were loud enough for me...
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Jan 25, 2018 15:55:33 GMT -5
My step SIL gave her kids everything they wanted. Now she worries they will squander the riches they stand to inherit.
|
|
dee27
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 28, 2016 21:08:12 GMT -5
Posts: 2,211
|
Post by dee27 on Jan 25, 2018 16:00:53 GMT -5
We were caught by surprise the first time we did dance. I had no idea costumes for a freaking 4 year old would be that damn expensive! I was also unemployed but I didn't want to tell her no so I charged it. Later I found out my parents and his would have chipped in if I had asked but I was too embarassed. It's not like I am proud of that or make it a habit. We learned from that and moved to a different studio that charges a hell of a lot less for production fees and costumes. I will admit I am relieved she decided to not continue with dancing. I am just not cut out to be a dance mom. They tried to rope us into doing competitive dance. JFC where do people come up with that kind of money?! My cousin owns a dance studio, and many of the dancers participate in competitions locally and out of state as well as the usual end of the year shows at the studio. I know my DC buys tights, leotards, and dance shoes in bulk for her classes and passes the discount on to the students. The costumes are the pricey items. DC offers several scholarships per session, and her husband and daughters help drive the girls to competitions to save the parents money. I know it is a balancing act since they are a small family company in a somewhat rural area, but DC has been in business since the late sixties.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,438
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Jan 25, 2018 16:11:04 GMT -5
Also I was interested in how that planning changes as the child grows older/develops and how your personal situation e.g. promotions, job losses, etc change the dynamic.
Well, you have to learn to go with the flow that's for sure. I'm kind of a "this is my reality right now", and plan as if it's going to be that way forever, then when it changes (because it always does), regroup and set off with Plan B (or C or D or whatever I'm on). I have to chuckle at baby boards where people are "planning" for their kids to go to go to Ivy league schools. Yeah, ok. Nothing can go wrong there. I'm guessing that most of them are thinking it's going to cost a TON of money and therefore they better start saving NOW. Probably better to save as much as they can while they can.
OTOH if they were expecting and planning that smart Jr. was going to get a full ride scholarship they'd be in a world of hurt.
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 21, 2024 7:32:25 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2018 16:15:57 GMT -5
I'm guessing that most of them are thinking it's going to cost a TON of money and therefore they better start saving NOW. Probably better to save as much as they can while they can.
OTOH if they were expecting and planning that smart Jr. was going to get a full ride scholarship they'd be in a world of hurt.
Nope. It's because many Ivies are FREE for under X income (usually around 60-100K). So, the college savings plan is Ivy league.
|
|
dee27
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 28, 2016 21:08:12 GMT -5
Posts: 2,211
|
Post by dee27 on Jan 25, 2018 16:16:04 GMT -5
I'm guessing that most of them are thinking it's going to cost a TON of money and therefore they better start saving NOW. Probably better to save as much as they can while they can.
OTOH if they were expecting and planning that smart Jr. was going to get a full ride scholarship they'd be in a world of hurt.
YDS had several friends who belonged to premier travel soccer teams because the parents thought the affiliation with the teams would help their sons will get scholarships to college. None of them received scholarships.
|
|
lynnerself
Senior Member
Joined: Jan 3, 2011 11:42:29 GMT -5
Posts: 4,166
|
Post by lynnerself on Jan 25, 2018 16:43:21 GMT -5
When DD applied to Stanford, there were no academic scholarships, only financial need ones.
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Jan 25, 2018 17:01:09 GMT -5
I also think Tiny's question was a fair one. I got 'lucky' in that our household income has increased by about 40% since we had DD, she is going to be an only child, and she is currently the only grandchild on both sides, so there have been very few times when I've really had to make a choice because of finances. But I say no to her all the time because I don't think whatever she's asking for is worth the money (like the $60 LOL surprise ball that consists of about $3 worth of individually wrapped cheap Chinese toys and dolls... whoever designed that is an evil genius). I grew up in a house where something as minor as a dead car battery or flat tire was a crisis. There were also three of us, and of the three, I was the only one who wasn't involved in at least one expensive activity--not because I didn't want to be, but because I was old enough to realize that my mom couldn't afford it but would pay for it anyway. (And boy, is she still paying for it.) My parenting, housing, and career choices have been largely reactive to my childhood experiences. I have four very good friends who have kids. One grew up in a financially insecure household like mine. The other three grew up solidly middle class. Interestingly to me (and totally anecdotal), the other "poor" friend and I are the only ones of the group who aren't living paycheck-to-paycheck and who are saving for retirement. This makes the concept of teaching DD about finances seem even more challenging. It also seems very easy to fall into the "I'll save whatever's left over" trap (for parents and non-parents alike)... but nothing is ever left over when you have kids! They'll eat the food right off your damn plate!
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 21,415
|
Post by giramomma on Jan 25, 2018 17:12:04 GMT -5
They tried to rope us into doing competitive dance. JFC where do people come up with that kind of money?! DD1 wants to do cheer. I actually think it would be a super fit for her. I'm holding off until next school year. But, we'll figure out a way to make it happen.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,339
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 25, 2018 17:16:03 GMT -5
They tried to rope us into doing competitive dance. JFC where do people come up with that kind of money?! DD1 wants to do cheer. I actually think it would be a super fit for her. I'm holding off until next school year. But, we'll figure out a way to make it happen. Cheerleading actually wasn't that bad. Cheerleading and tumbling had a small assembly in the local high school gymnasium. Cost us only $25 for the leotard and we got four tickets for free. That covered me, Abby and DH then we took MIL. I recorded it on my phone for my parents. All the classes themselves were $30 a month. It's the recital where things started getting out of control. I am thrilled that she wants to continue with tumbling instead of the others.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,438
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Jan 25, 2018 17:18:25 GMT -5
I also think Tiny's question was a fair one. I got 'lucky' in that our household income has increased by about 40% since we had DD, she is going to be an only child, and she is currently the only grandchild on both sides, so there have been very few times when I've really had to make a choice because of finances. But I say no to her all the time because I don't think whatever she's asking for is worth the money (like the $60 LOL surprise ball that consists of about $3 worth of individually wrapped cheap Chinese toys and dolls... whoever designed that is an evil genius). I grew up in a house where something as minor as a dead car battery or flat tire was a crisis. There were also three of us, and of the three, I was the only one who wasn't involved in at least one expensive activity--not because I didn't want to be, but because I was old enough to realize that my mom couldn't afford it but would pay for it anyway. (And boy, is she still paying for it.) My parenting, housing, and career choices have been largely reactive to my childhood experiences. I have four very good friends who have kids. One grew up in a financially insecure household like mine. The other three grew up solidly middle class. Interestingly to me (and totally anecdotal), the other "poor" friend and I are the only ones of the group who aren't living paycheck-to-paycheck and who are saving for retirement. This makes the concept of teaching DD about finances seem even more challenging. It also seems very easy to fall into the "I'll save whatever's left over" trap (for parents and non-parents alike)... but nothing is ever left over when you have kids! They'll eat the food right off your damn plate! This is what a lot of smart, responsible people do. They are never going to put themselves in that situation.
|
|
NomoreDramaQ1015
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 14:26:32 GMT -5
Posts: 47,339
|
Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 25, 2018 17:20:00 GMT -5
$60 LOL surprise ball that consists of about $3 worth of individually wrapped cheap Chinese toys and dolls... whoever designed that is an evil genius
No shit. Why don't I ever come up with this kind of stuff?
|
|
midjd
Administrator
Your Money Admin
Joined: Dec 18, 2010 14:09:23 GMT -5
Posts: 17,719
|
Post by midjd on Jan 25, 2018 17:26:38 GMT -5
$60 LOL surprise ball that consists of about $3 worth of individually wrapped cheap Chinese toys and dolls... whoever designed that is an evil genius
No shit. Why don't I ever come up with this kind of stuff? We cut the cable cord when DD was an infant so I was very haughty about how she would never even be exposed to all these toy ads. Four years later and all she wants to watch is YouTube videos of adults playing with the same overpriced toys... 🙄
|
|
giramomma
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Feb 3, 2011 11:25:27 GMT -5
Posts: 21,415
|
Post by giramomma on Jan 25, 2018 17:31:42 GMT -5
$60 LOL surprise ball that consists of about $3 worth of individually wrapped cheap Chinese toys and dolls... whoever designed that is an evil genius
No shit. Why don't I ever come up with this kind of stuff? We cut the cable cord when DD was an infant so I was very haughty about how she would never even be exposed to all these toy ads. Four years later and all she wants to watch is YouTube videos of adults playing with the same overpriced toys... 🙄 OMG. The peanut is the same way. I don't get the appeal at all.
|
|
NastyWoman
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 20:50:37 GMT -5
Posts: 14,426
|
Post by NastyWoman on Jan 25, 2018 18:38:35 GMT -5
$60 LOL surprise ball that consists of about $3 worth of individually wrapped cheap Chinese toys and dolls... whoever designed that is an evil genius
No shit. Why don't I ever come up with this kind of stuff? We cut the cable cord when DD was an infant so I was very haughty about how she would never even be exposed to all these toy ads. Four years later and all she wants to watch is YouTube videos of adults playing with the same overpriced toys... 🙄 You have to learn to outsmart your kids but that will be hit or miss. When the boys were little we lived in the tropics but those damn cereal ads were on all the time thanks to cable. That stuff was unhealthy and bloody expensive to boot. So (evil mom confession) every once in a while I would buy a box they kept bugging me about. But I would buy the stuff I was pretty sure they wouldn't like. And they HAD to finish it since they had asked for it. Sometimes I missed and they did like the cereal so we would have a box of that a few times, but most of the time that cured their "cravings" for quite a while
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,438
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Jan 25, 2018 19:13:04 GMT -5
I'm guessing that most of them are thinking it's going to cost a TON of money and therefore they better start saving NOW. Probably better to save as much as they can while they can.
OTOH if they were expecting and planning that smart Jr. was going to get a full ride scholarship they'd be in a world of hurt.
Nope. It's because many Ivies are FREE for under X income (usually around 60-100K). So, the college savings plan is Ivy league. O.M.G!
I guess I shouldn't be surprised. My mother was convinced that scholarships would magically descend on me. She didn't understand that if you made $100k back in 1978 it was expected that you were saving money for your kid's college and spending $1,500/yr on tuition wasn't going to break a parent.
I cash flowed my college expenses by first cleaning houses and then selling real estate. I lived at home through their financial problems and heavy drinking. I graduated without taking any student loans and but it was a lot harder experience than it needed to be.
|
|
zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,869
|
Post by zibazinski on Jan 25, 2018 19:34:01 GMT -5
I always think of kids as digging a huge hole and just throwing money down into it. A bottomless hole!!! A never ending bottomless hole
|
|
Knee Deep in Water Chloe
Senior Associate
Joined: Dec 27, 2010 21:04:44 GMT -5
Posts: 13,872
Mini-Profile Name Color: 1980e6
|
Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jan 25, 2018 21:34:07 GMT -5
I will concede that I assumed tone in Tiny 's post that I reacted to and that may not have been fair.
In a culture--and on this board as a whole--that is constantly deeming people to be failures, it becomes second nature to receive that message in everything.
Single mothers are automatic failures. Teenage mothers are automatic failures. Parents who must accept welfare to keep their kids fed are automatic failures. People who go into debt are automatic failures. Not giving your child all the things is failing as a parent. Working mothers are automatic failures.
Again, I understand that in this case I made that turn in my head. (My husband and I call it making pretzels.)
|
|
dee27
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 28, 2016 21:08:12 GMT -5
Posts: 2,211
|
Post by dee27 on Jan 25, 2018 21:37:44 GMT -5
I will concede that I assumed tone in Tiny 's post that I reacted to and that may not have been fair.
In a culture--and on this board as a whole--that is constantly deeming people to be failures, it becomes second nature to receive that message in everything.
Single mothers are automatic failures. Teenage mothers are automatic failures. Parents who must accept welfare to keep their kids fed are automatic failures. People who go into debt are automatic failures. Not giving your child all the things is failing as a parent. Working mothers are automatic failures.
Again, I understand that in this case I made that turn in my head. (My husband and I call it making pretzels.) You are not a failure!
|
|
quince
Senior Member
Joined: Sept 23, 2011 17:51:12 GMT -5
Posts: 2,699
|
Post by quince on Jan 26, 2018 2:30:55 GMT -5
My husband used to joke about our "massive cash reserves" when he was making 20K a year and I was making 40K. We had enough to pay off our mortgage if we wanted. We didn't budget tightly with the kids- we're not really tempted to just buy whatever just because we can afford it. We consider what we need and want and get it...or not. Our kids needs/wants are considered as much as ours. I did go a little crazy buying J toys when we got his ASD diagnosis because my husband and I both lean toward STEM toys and we needed to nurture his pretend play/etc as part of his therapy. Anything not math/sciencey he showed an interest in, he got...it was maybe a hundred bucks total.
I do have a loose budget where I estimate and project expenses, and if actual spending gets too close or goes over, I examine the category. There's about $150 a month for misc kid crap, including diapers and clothes, but if something came up that we thought was important or just really wanted for our kid, that number wouldn't stop us. It's really just there to call attention to it so small expenses don't add up under the radar.
|
|
Bonny
Junior Associate
Joined: Nov 17, 2013 10:54:37 GMT -5
Posts: 7,438
Location: No Place Like Home!
|
Post by Bonny on Jan 26, 2018 11:39:49 GMT -5
I will concede that I assumed tone in Tiny 's post that I reacted to and that may not have been fair.
In a culture--and on this board as a whole--that is constantly deeming people to be failures, it becomes second nature to receive that message in everything.
Single mothers are automatic failures. Teenage mothers are automatic failures. Parents who must accept welfare to keep their kids fed are automatic failures. People who go into debt are automatic failures. Not giving your child all the things is failing as a parent. Working mothers are automatic failures.
Again, I understand that in this case I made that turn in my head. (My husband and I call it making pretzels.) Chloe,
There's a big difference between less than ideal and failure.
Using myself as an example, I'm perpetually the B+++++++ student (I actually got an essay in Honor's English with this grade).
I had a lot on my plate as a kid. I did the best I could but never had the time to make my essays pretty. I actually had two teachers/instructors pull me aside and tell me I wasn't working hard enough. They had no idea what my home life was like.
F*ck judgey people who can't see that you're doing your best.
That said, please don't assume when people are asking questions that they are judging you. Some of us don't understand how some people with a lot going on get it all done.
|
|
MJ2.0
Senior Associate
Joined: Jul 24, 2014 10:27:09 GMT -5
Posts: 10,972
|
Post by MJ2.0 on Jan 26, 2018 11:47:04 GMT -5
I will concede that I assumed tone in Tiny 's post that I reacted to and that may not have been fair.
In a culture--and on this board as a whole--that is constantly deeming people to be failures, it becomes second nature to receive that message in everything.
Single mothers are automatic failures. Teenage mothers are automatic failures. Parents who must accept welfare to keep their kids fed are automatic failures. People who go into debt are automatic failures. Not giving your child all the things is failing as a parent. Working mothers are automatic failures.
Again, I understand that in this case I made that turn in my head. (My husband and I call it making pretzels.) hugs - we can be YM failures together! LOL
|
|
ohmomto2boys
Well-Known Member
Joined: Dec 20, 2010 9:25:38 GMT -5
Posts: 1,008
|
Post by ohmomto2boys on Jan 26, 2018 12:08:21 GMT -5
We don't have a budget for our kids. We buy them things as they need them or out grow them. Food, clothing, bikes, etc. We do limit the number of activities they can be in at any given time. They are both kids who like down time, so limiting extracurricular activities to one at a time is a non-issue. One plays competitive soccer - a bit more pricey than the regular community soccer. The other kid likes band and has chosen an instrument the school supplies for him. He also does ski-club. We try to do a fun vacation every year and now that they are 9 & 11, that is something they really look forward to. We still have summer care - this year will be the last year for that. FOOD - I have definitely seen an increase in this area of our life. Over the next 10 years, there will be an increase in expenses for them. It is life. We say "no" a lot because we are trying to teach them about saving money and doing things that mean something. Not running to Walmart or Five Below to buy something that they already have 3 or 5 of (right now squishies are of importance to the 9 yr old). Or purchasing ANOTHER video game when they have plenty to play and can wait till birthday or Christmas. It's a tough sell.
|
|
Lizard Queen
Senior Associate
103/2024
Joined: Jan 17, 2011 22:19:13 GMT -5
Posts: 14,659
|
Post by Lizard Queen on Jan 26, 2018 12:15:14 GMT -5
I will concede that I assumed tone in Tiny 's post that I reacted to and that may not have been fair.
In a culture--and on this board as a whole--that is constantly deeming people to be failures, it becomes second nature to receive that message in everything.
Single mothers are automatic failures. Teenage mothers are automatic failures. Parents who must accept welfare to keep their kids fed are automatic failures. People who go into debt are automatic failures. Not giving your child all the things is failing as a parent. Working mothers are automatic failures.
Again, I understand that in this case I made that turn in my head. (My husband and I call it making pretzels.) hugs - we can be YM failures together! LOL Me three.
|
|
andi9899
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 6, 2011 10:22:29 GMT -5
Posts: 30,465
|
Post by andi9899 on Jan 26, 2018 12:24:05 GMT -5
I still have a few years to get back to work and save up for it, but it is definitely a concern of mine. My DH is tall, and ate a ton as a teen, and I've got 2 of them. I've decided private school is a bargain seeing as it comes with unlimited helpings at lunch for $3.65/day. At least he comes home not starving. He still eats a ton, but I just buy in bulk at Sam's Club of his regular items and it's not too bad. I spend about $580/month on groceries/dining out and school lunches for all three of us. Holy crap! I don't spend half of that for me and Thing 2!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 21, 2024 7:32:25 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2018 12:41:45 GMT -5
I've decided private school is a bargain seeing as it comes with unlimited helpings at lunch for $3.65/day. At least he comes home not starving. He still eats a ton, but I just buy in bulk at Sam's Club of his regular items and it's not too bad. I spend about $580/month on groceries/dining out and school lunches for all three of us. Holy crap! I don't spend half of that for me and Thing 2! Really? I thought we were doing pretty good. I was wrong on the $580 though. I double-checked the actual budget lines and its more like $530. Groceries - $350 Eating out - $50 (basically a couple fast food/pizza stops) School lunch - $123 (they take hot every day) The 15 year old eats a TON. He is 6 feet tall, 220 pounds and can really put it down.
|
|
gs11rmb
Senior Member
Joined: Dec 21, 2010 12:43:39 GMT -5
Posts: 3,314
|
Post by gs11rmb on Jan 26, 2018 12:48:09 GMT -5
Holy crap! I don't spend half of that for me and Thing 2! Really? I thought we were doing pretty good. I was wrong on the $580 though. I double-checked the actual budget lines and its more like $530. Groceries - $350 Eating out - $50 (basically a couple fast food/pizza stops) School lunch - $123 (they take hot every day) The 15 year old eats a TON. He is 6 feet tall, 220 pounds and can really put it down. That's a fantastic number. We probably spend $800-$1,000 on groceries every month. And my girls eat nothing but quesadillas and chicken nuggets!
|
|
Deleted
Joined: May 21, 2024 7:32:25 GMT -5
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Jan 26, 2018 12:58:40 GMT -5
I do get a lot of free meat. Last Fall I got a half a beef for rent payment on my land and DS got a deer that his Dad paid for the processing on, so the freezer is full.
|
|
Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
|
Post by Miss Tequila on Jan 26, 2018 13:01:03 GMT -5
I do get a lot of free meat. Last Fall I got a half a beef for rent payment on my land and DS got a deer that his Dad paid for the processing on, so the freezer is full. See, you ARE a landlord...and you don't have to worry about your beef payment bouncing!lol
|
|