The Joy Of Moving Far Away

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

Continued from the "Narcissists" Thread...


The greatest holiday of my life was Christmas 2013. No one came to Florida, and we didn't go to Chicago. 

Got up early.

Went to the beach.  Nooooooobody on the roads, and only one couple walking down the beach. Watched the sun rise.

Got back shortly after first light- in time to get the obligatory video of the kids opening their gifts from Santa. Layed around and probably even posted on these boards or something. 

Didn't even have to start the prime rib until 10:00 because it was a small one.

Layed around some more.

Ate.

Skyped the family- let the kids show of their stuff, talk to grandma, grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

Went back to the beach. Got back and shot hoops with my son using his new basketball hoop. 

Watched the Disney parade (recording) with my daughter. 

Nowhere to go, no one to entertain. No food to transport. Gifts were wrapped and mailed out weeks ago. Truly lovely.

But the thing is-- every day is great here. Because we are far away- far away from all the drama, far away from old patterns and ruts. Now we have new drama, patterns, and ruts- but it's great because we don't have a history here- so we can handle things differently and we aren't even tempted-- let alone goaded- to fall into the same stupid traps by the same old people. 

If at all possible, I tell people- grow up, graduate, and GTFO of your hometown. Go live life on your own. It's wonderful. Our marriage, finances, weather, taxes, health and well being are all orders of magnitude better. IF you can at all do so- leave. 

And yes, you CAN run away from your problems. If you've ever thought it'd be nice to do so- take it from me: it is possible. Do it.

[swamp]

But what if I like it here and my family isn't dysfunctional?

I like that we have a huge support system.

I think everyone should leave their hometown at some point, but it's ok to come back.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

I love my family, but sometimes I think that they can be detrimental to your life.  None of my family have issues, but I discovered a long time ago that when you live around family, you tend to socialize more with family than anyone else.  When socialization hours are limited, then that means making/maintaining friendships (which I feel are just as important) fall to the wayside and these DO require some cultivation too.  I also feel that it makes me a bit more independent and forced me to make my own decisions rather than need process input from others.  It also meant that when work opportunities arose, I could concentrate on what would be best for ME - not others.

That said, the closest I lived to my family was 250 miles when I got my first job.  

[weltschmerz]

The Joy Of Moving Far Away

That's not far away. You're still in the same country.

[cktc]

I've spent a lot of time fantasizing about this, but unless wherever I was going was temporary or required a visa or something some of the family would likely follow. As is, we've all relocated about 2 hours from hometown, and half an hour apart from each other. It's not a bad setup, and I did end up marrying someone from hometown 10+ years after I had left.

[Rob Base 2.0]

so you couldn't say "no" to your family, so instead you ran away.

[NastyWoman]

Jan 20, 2018 15:13:58 GMT -5 swamp said:

But what if I like it here and my family isn't dysfunctional?

I like that we have a huge support system.

I think everyone should leave their hometown at some point, but it's ok to come back.

 or your family is not dysfunctional but lives on the other side of the world. Then you pack a suitcase and fly there and are as happy to spend time with them as you possibly can be.

Going back to work while suffereing from jet lag sucks though  

[Deleted]

My family isn't dysfunctional (well a few of them are, but it's a big family, so it's kind of a given).  I really like having them around and I like that my kids get to see their grandparents and cousins on a regular basis.  

[chiver78]

"far away" isn't necessarily the best qualifier here, I might have just gone with "distance". at least as far as my own experiences have gone, I've spent the past two holiday seasons having moved "so far away" that I'm now ~1.5h from my parents and 2+h from my sis/BIL. in that time, I've hosted Thanksgiving, once., after having hosted at least one holiday meal each holiday for the previous 8 years I lived in that condo. I don't personally celebrate Christmas anymore, and distance has helped me extricate myself from the family gathering for it. I love my family, but don't make me drive on a day I don't have to, in the name of a holiday I don't celebrate, just no. 

that said, I love the lazy holidays where I don't need to be anything to anyone except my dogs. this past Christmas, I spent the day splitting laundry with my roommate and watching really bad movies. we and the pups played in the backyard as best we could b/c it was beyond fucking cold for New England winter. oh, and mimosas. it was glorious. 

[Shooby]

It's me , DH and the kids.  Our parents are deceased, so we don't need to move anywhere.

[MJ2.0]

Jan 20, 2018 14:41:12 GMT -5 AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP said:

Continued from the "Narcissists" Thread...


The greatest holiday of my life was Christmas 2013. No one came to Florida, and we didn't go to Chicago. 

Got up early.

Went to the beach.  Nooooooobody on the roads, and only one couple walking down the beach. Watched the sun rise.

Got back shortly after first light- in time to get the obligatory video of the kids opening their gifts from Santa. Layed around and probably even posted on these boards or something. 

Didn't even have to start the prime rib until 10:00 because it was a small one.

Layed around some more.

Ate.

Skyped the family- let the kids show of their stuff, talk to grandma, grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

Went back to the beach. Got back and shot hoops with my son using his new basketball hoop. 

Watched the Disney parade (recording) with my daughter. 

Nowhere to go, no one to entertain. No food to transport. Gifts were wrapped and mailed out weeks ago. Truly lovely.

But the thing is-- every day is great here. Because we are far away- far away from all the drama, far away from old patterns and ruts. Now we have new drama, patterns, and ruts- but it's great because we don't have a history here- so we can handle things differently and we aren't even tempted-- let alone goaded- to fall into the same stupid traps by the same old people. 

If at all possible, I tell people- grow up, graduate, and GTFO of your hometown. Go live life on your own. It's wonderful. Our marriage, finances, weather, taxes, health and well being are all orders of magnitude better. IF you can at all do so- leave. 

And yes, you CAN run away from your problems. If you've ever thought it'd be nice to do so- take it from me: it is possible. Do it.

or just grow a pair and say "we'd rather not to go X event this year" and do what you want without moving away....   I mean if you want to move away, move away.  Don't use your family as an excuse.

[NoNamePerson]

Interesting subject. My mother moved to another state two weeks after I graduated hi school. I stayed with friends till I went off to college. I moved to the Gulf Coast when I got married since this is where my EX was offered a job.

The only people we knew here were his aunt and uncle/employer!! His family lived 300 miles east and my mother lived 300 miles west.

As far as having large support group we had zero. But I think that made me very independent and self sufficient. Our neighbors/friends became our support group as we became theirs!!

Having said all that, I am glad my son lives here but if he didn't it wouldn't be a big deal. I guess I've just never had enough "family" for it to be dysfunctional. But then my son might have a different slant on things 

[MJ2.0]

re: the hometown - I knew very early on that I wasn't going to stay in my hometown.  The opportunities I imagined for myself were not there, the people were overall pretty shitty, and I find that it's hard to escape the dynamic created during the K-12 years.  I guess that works if you were popular, but if you were kind of a nerd (like me), you wouldn't be okay with that.

[empress of self-improvement]

I want to move away. I will move away. I have to wait for my husband to die before I can move away since he refuses to go anywhere except the bathroom. He was a big boy today and told his brother he had no interest in going to the very delayed family Christmas party. I got out of it because I'm at work.

[Tennesseer]

There are also families which are glad another family member has moved away or wish they would.  There have been threads and posts on these boards where posters complained about toxic family members.

[Deleted]

If my kids don't stick around I can see following one or both of them to wherever they go.  Once my parents and aunts and uncles are gone there won't be as much of a reason to stay and I'll retire not long after youngest moves out.  

[NoNamePerson]

Jan 20, 2018 20:36:37 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

If my kids don't stick around I can see following one or both of them to wherever they go.  Once my parents and aunts and uncles are gone there won't be as much of a reason to stay and I'll retire not long after youngest moves out.  

I have a friend who did that. Her daughters husband got a job in Florida and she followed. The he got transferred to North Carolina, Arizona and I forget where else. She got tired of following them and came back to the Gulf Coast where her friends were and said they could come visit her and she could go visit them. I think she gave up after three moves. Of course she had just turned 62 when all this took place so maybe age was a thing?

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

Jan 20, 2018 15:13:58 GMT -5 swamp said:

But what if I like it here and my family isn't dysfunctional?

I like that we have a huge support system.

I think everyone should leave their hometown at some point, but it's ok to come back.

I'm NOT imputing any of this to you, I am ONLY speaking for MYSELF: A support system can be detrimental. At some point, life without a safety net is not merely motivating-- but liberating. Don't get me wrong- my family isn't dysfunctional-- just a few of them-- and I presume every family has "those people"- at least one. But the ones that love you and want the best for you can actually be WORSE.  

[zibazinski]

It’s not as easy when you’re right there to escape getting sucked in. Far away, you call the shots. I have a cousin and her husband, both useless losers who lie, cheat, and steal. Amazingly, even though they’ve sabotaged their daughter over and over again, she’s managed to get a very expensive LPN degree. With a ruinous student loan. Two marriages to two losers, thank GOD no children so she could escape without any strings attached to her. Now they’ve stuck her renting their house and watching their pets so her commute is costly and she’s paying rent and utilities to her own parents who are just using her while they visit for months their son. If I was there, I’d get sucked into the drama. Oh yeah, she’s also been stuck paying for their old Buick. When my aunt, her grandmother, asked her how much she needed to pay off the car, she didn’t know. She just sends a check to her mother every month. If I were there, the shit would hit the fan. I have nothing but contempt for my cousin and I wouldn’t hold back.

[formerroomate99]

Moving far away is fine if everyone stays healthy. 

But I can tell you that not having any family around when my father got sick really sucked.  I would end up spending weeks couch surfing with various friends while my mom took him out of town for treatments.  During that time, it was always a scramble to find something to eat that wouldn't set off  my many food allergies, or have clean clothes to wear.  I missed a few lunches.  I remember at one place, the only cereal I could eat had bugs in it.  So it was either skip breakfast (not good if your are hypoglycemic) or just accept the extra protein.  And when I brought some cereal from home, one of the people there ate half the box while complaining that she didn't like it.  And I got in trouble when I asked her not to eat it.  Kids made fun of me because my outfits didn't match.  It didn't matter that I had been living out of a suitcase for the past few weeks.  

[Deleted]

There are days when I daydream about moving far away.  It isn't to escape my adult children (basically the only family I have other than my sister and DH, and I would be taking him with me).  

But I rarely see them now, and they live 30 and 45 minutes away.  Holidays are an ongoing source of pain although it was better this year when they incorporated me into THEIR plans instead of coming to our house.  I've been divorced for almost 20 years, and I'm just tired of it.  Warm weather beckons.  DH is from Phoenix, and my sister's three daughters now live there.  She will move there from NM as soon as she ties up some loose ends.  Sun Valley sounds like my type of community . . . as do similar communities in Florida.  I want to grow old with other people who are embracing and enjoying growing old.  I read Blonde Granny 's posts.  It sounds like a nice life. 

But what a burden that would be on my kids.  I watched it with my aunt, whose only child lived in the Carolinas.  It took my cousin enormous time, effort, and money to shut down her mother's life here and move her up there.  I wouldn't want to do that to my own children.

So who knows what I will do.  I don't.  I'm still working and will be until June 2019 or 2020.  

[weltschmerz]

Jan 21, 2018 18:23:55 GMT -5 AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP said:

Jan 20, 2018 15:13:58 GMT -5 swamp said:

But what if I like it here and my family isn't dysfunctional?

I like that we have a huge support system.

I think everyone should leave their hometown at some point, but it's ok to come back.

I'm NOT imputing any of this to you, I am ONLY speaking for MYSELF: A support system can be detrimental. At some point, life without a safety net is not merely motivating-- but liberating. Don't get me wrong- my family isn't dysfunctional-- just a few of them-- and I presume every family has "those people"- at least one. But the ones that love you and want the best for you can actually be WORSE.  

In that case, you'd  LOVE Somalia.

[formerroomate99]

Boy weltschmerz, you never miss an opportunity to personally insult or make idiotic straw man arguments against someone who disagrees with your politics.  

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

Jan 20, 2018 20:29:14 GMT -5 empress of self-improvement said:

I want to move away. I will move away. I have to wait for my husband to die before I can move away since he refuses to go anywhere except the bathroom. He was a big boy today and told his brother he had no interest in going to the very delayed family Christmas party. I got out of it because I'm at work.

I finally told my wife- and the important part of this is that I meant it- "I have decided to move. I hope you'll join me, but it is no longer a necessary precondition". We packed up and moved two months later. I am patient- 14 years.

Rewind- we had already moved. She moved with me to my duty station in the Navy, and when I got out of the Navy, the job market was tough. We were young, we were scared out of our minds by our dire financial situation. I was working three jobs- 6:00 a.m. to 2:00 p.m. on the groundskeeping on a golf course, part time at a local car dealership, and delivering pizzas at night and we had $113.50 (because that's how tight we budgeted) leftover at the end of every month. There were no sick days. There were no vacations. We couldn't see the situation getting better-- so when a friend of the family called to say he got a temporary overseas gig and didn't want to sell the family home and asked if we could house sit- we were on it.

Chicago at that time was still fairly affordable and the economy was much more diverse. I instantly got a job and we were off to the races with a whopping $1,400 a month left over. We could finally breathe.

However, I was not leaving GA (and eventually FL) without the understanding that we were going to move back at our first opportunity. We house sat for four years. We then got another house-sitting gig but the work assignment of that family got cut short- as did our house sitting gig and we bought a little place out in Naperville IL with the rest of the hordes. Then we bought our last place with an eye towards flipping it in two years for the tax-free gain since it was walking distance to the train, and Fox Valley mall.  My wife had become complacent and was more than a little stubborn about moving- but I reminded her that staying was never on the table. I advised it would be good to make peace with it because my mind had not changed. 

And like I said- our four year stint turned into fourteen because I love my wife and I was patient-- but I wasn't going to spend the best years of our lives in a shithole. So, I finally made the announcement. And just for added encouragement- I told everyone we were moving, and put a date on it. 

I can't remember a time when I didn't want to move away from Illinois. Every single time I went anywhere it was better. Denver, Salt Lake City, San Antonio, hell- Groton, CT was better. I have literally never been anywhere besides Haiti that wasn't better than Illinois- and depending on where in Haiti, that might be better, too.

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

Jan 21, 2018 19:08:39 GMT -5 weltschmerz said:

Jan 21, 2018 18:23:55 GMT -5 AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP said:

I'm NOT imputing any of this to you, I am ONLY speaking for MYSELF: A support system can be detrimental. At some point, life without a safety net is not merely motivating-- but liberating. Don't get me wrong- my family isn't dysfunctional-- just a few of them-- and I presume every family has "those people"- at least one. But the ones that love you and want the best for you can actually be WORSE.  

In that case, you'd  LOVE Somalia.

Yeah, because you know- between Illinois and Somalia there's nowhere that's way better than both. Leave your politics over on the other board. Learn to compartmentalize. And get off my lawn.

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

Jan 20, 2018 20:36:37 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

If my kids don't stick around I can see following one or both of them to wherever they go.  Once my parents and aunts and uncles are gone there won't be as much of a reason to stay and I'll retire not long after youngest moves out.  

Yeah, but can they see it? 

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

Jan 20, 2018 20:26:34 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

re: the hometown - I knew very early on that I wasn't going to stay in my hometown.  The opportunities I imagined for myself were not there, the people were overall pretty shitty, and I find that it's hard to escape the dynamic created during the K-12 years.  I guess that works if you were popular, but if you were kind of a nerd (like me), you wouldn't be okay with that.

Yup. Sure is. It was one of the major motivating factors in my strong desire to get out. I don't know why- and I say this in all modesty, but I have always been wise beyond my years. I looked around, saw that if I didn't do something drastic, I was going to end up like everyone I hung around in highschool-- and I swear I'm being nice about this when I say: they were all losers. Three people I knew from high school turned out well. The rest? I wouldn't wish their occupations (or their lives) on someone I hated.

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

I'll be bluntly honest, too- I joined the military so I couldn't change my mind about leaving. I didn't want to get sucked back in during a moment of weakness. Which of course I did after I got out of the military-- that was when I learned I was right the first time and never should have gone back.

[weltschmerz]

Jan 21, 2018 22:45:40 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

Boy weltschmerz, you never miss an opportunity to personally insult or make idiotic straw man arguments against someone who disagrees with your politics.  

Sure, because Paul never misses an opportunity to insult anyone who disagrees with him politically.
He always says the nicest things about Liberals and Democrats.

[AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP]

Jan 20, 2018 20:20:34 GMT -5 MJ2.0 said:

Jan 20, 2018 14:41:12 GMT -5 AgeOfEnlightenmentSCP said:

Continued from the "Narcissists" Thread...


The greatest holiday of my life was Christmas 2013. No one came to Florida, and we didn't go to Chicago. 

Got up early.

Went to the beach.  Nooooooobody on the roads, and only one couple walking down the beach. Watched the sun rise.

Got back shortly after first light- in time to get the obligatory video of the kids opening their gifts from Santa. Layed around and probably even posted on these boards or something. 

Didn't even have to start the prime rib until 10:00 because it was a small one.

Layed around some more.

Ate.

Skyped the family- let the kids show of their stuff, talk to grandma, grandma, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

Went back to the beach. Got back and shot hoops with my son using his new basketball hoop. 

Watched the Disney parade (recording) with my daughter. 

Nowhere to go, no one to entertain. No food to transport. Gifts were wrapped and mailed out weeks ago. Truly lovely.

But the thing is-- every day is great here. Because we are far away- far away from all the drama, far away from old patterns and ruts. Now we have new drama, patterns, and ruts- but it's great because we don't have a history here- so we can handle things differently and we aren't even tempted-- let alone goaded- to fall into the same stupid traps by the same old people. 

If at all possible, I tell people- grow up, graduate, and GTFO of your hometown. Go live life on your own. It's wonderful. Our marriage, finances, weather, taxes, health and well being are all orders of magnitude better. IF you can at all do so- leave. 

And yes, you CAN run away from your problems. If you've ever thought it'd be nice to do so- take it from me: it is possible. Do it.

or just grow a pair and say "we'd rather not to go X event this year" and do what you want without moving away....   I mean if you want to move away, move away.  Don't use your family as an excuse.

Easier said than done. You try sitting at home and relaxing and enjoying yourself over the holidays with your arms crossed-- and get your wife and children to join you, or not answering the door when the family that lives 6 minutes away comes knocking to bring gifts to the kids. 

Excuses are highly underrated. I enjoy having one.