"The talk" with prepubescent girls

[swamp]

Those of you who have daughters, 

When did you have "the talk" about periods, etc?

Did you use a book?   


DD is almost 10, and starting to mature.   We've had general talks, and knows generally what a period is, but I'm afraid when she starts, she's going to wig out. She wigs out about everything.

Help me! 

[Green Eyed Lady]

I don't know, but I hope you find a good way. My mother (and father) told me nothing. I mean nothing. I did wig out. I thought I was dying.

[thyme4change]

I talked to my daughter when she was 10ish. It went horribly and I don't think she got any useful information from me, except that she probably won't have big boobs. Not my best parenting moment.

[Tennesseer]

Swamp-would it help if your daughter spoke with girls a few years older than her to find out what is ahead of her in her physical growth? Not quite learning it on the street but hearing if from her slightly older peers.

[Waffle]

They don't teach that in school anymore? I remember them bringing all the girls into the gym to have the talk. (I still wigged out.)

Sorry that wasn't helpful.

[swamp]

Oct 4, 2017 16:24:45 GMT -5 Waffle said:

They don't teach that in school anymore? I remember them bringing all the girls into the gym to have the talk. (I still wigged out.)

Sorry that wasn't helpful.

They do, in 5th grade.  She's in 4th.  By then it may be too late. 

[Waffle]

I think it was 5th grade when I was in school too, and one of my best friends had already started before the school talk. So, you definitely could be right.

[Sharon]

I got DD the book "The care and keeping of me" or something really similar to that.  It seemed to help.  The talk went so-so.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I gave a science lecture with pictures. Gwen told me please stop.drawing pictures every time she asks a question.

[Deleted]

I'd check libraries and bookstores to see if there's one that makes sense to you and that you think your daughter would relate to. 

And I'd like to make a suggestion and get others' opinions on this.  I wish I'd started on tampons from Day One.  I wigged out the first time I tried to use one (Mom kept her supply in the bathroom) but once I got comfortable with them it totally changed my attitude.  I hated all the other stuff (which a cousin described as feeling "all bunchy and icky") and there were those awkward times when you couldn't go swimming.  Tampons turned periods into a minor nuisance.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I've got The Care and Keeping of You" for K. I think she's read three pages so far...

Make sure you get the updated version. They've split it in two so the younger girls don't get ideas about bulimia or anorexia.

DD's school starts the talk in 4th grade so she'll be getting it later this year. They do the whole grade on roles and relationships this fall. In spring the separate by gender and do a basic biology talk.

[Deleted]

I didn't have kids but there's probably a lot of great books out there.  My mother told me nothing but I sort of figured it out from the library but didn't have the courage to tell her I'd started and needed feminine hygiene products (she grew up with fabric scraps). When it became obvious I was told it was "the curse", warned that boys and sex were evil, my body was something to be ashamed of, and female sexual desire was depraved.  

I actually did have "the talk" with a friend's daughter and son (the parents just couldn't do it!). Daughter was 12, son was 14 and I was pretty straightforward.  I covered the anatomical basics and talked about respecting your own body and other people's bodies, plus heavy emphasis on contraception.  Maybe I did something right because they both graduated high school and went on to quasi-normal lives.

It's probably much more complicated now because of gender orientation concerns and questions.  I'm not sure how I would handle that if I had to have "the talk" today.  Back in 2006 I accompanied a group of 15 to 18-year-olds on a mission trip to Mexico. It got a little weird because another adult in the group encouraged the kids to "explore their sexuality".  I'm like totally freaking because that's definitely not a chaperon's place, that's a parental prerogative.  My job was to sleep across the front of the tent and eliminate ALL midnight exploration.  The presence of 6-inch scorpions and centipedes did wonders to curb teenage libidos.

[swamp]

Oct 4, 2017 16:38:43 GMT -5 @donethat said:

It got a little weird because another adult in the group encouraged the kids to "explore their sexuality".  I'm like totally freaking because that's definitely not a chaperon's place, that's a parental prerogative.  

.

Since gay rights are in the news so much, we've already talked extensively about.   

We've told them some people are wired to like the opposite sex, some are wired to like their own, and some like both.    They think they just accept it as normal.  I don't make a big deal about it. 

[vonna]

I got my daughter the same book Sharon mentioned, "The Care and Keeping of You: The Body Book for Younger Girls."    

We read it together in 4th grade -- she was an early developer, like all of us gals in the family. She was completely horrified, but it gave us a lot to discuss, and by the time she did start (5th grade, age 10 -- like her mom, grandmom, and great grandma, don't know beyond that)  she was quite ready. I got her the follow on book as well that is for older girls.

I think it helped for her to get all freaked out BEFORE it happened!

[TheOtherMe]

We went to the gym in 5th grade for a movie.  I still had no idea. 

First period happened on vacation and I freaked out.  Cramps were so bad.  We came home and I holed up in bed with a heating pad.  Mom had not told me anything, but she never told me about sex either.

[Pants]

Oct 4, 2017 16:12:13 GMT -5 swamp said:

Those of you who have daughters, 

When did you have "the talk" about periods, etc?

Did you use a book?   


DD is almost 10, and starting to mature.   We've had general talks, and knows generally what a period is, but I'm afraid when she starts, she's going to wig out. She wigs out about everything.

Help me! 

We have general talks (B is only five though).

I would have the talk now - I too have heard good things about The Care and Keeping of Me.

Also, it can't hurt to be direct. "When you first see blood from your period, it's normal to freak out. I'm here to tell you that while it can be scary, it's normal and in time you won't be scared any more. The first time it happens, I want you to come tell me. If you are at school, you can go to the nurse. You may also experience aches in your stomach, be mad or sad, or XYZ. It's ok to be scared - it's weird the first time it happens. But we will do everything we can to make this as comfortable as possible."

[vonna]

Oh, and tween size pads are hard to find, but my daughter was so small when she started -- they worked a lot more comfortably for her than the adult size products.

[swamp]

Oct 4, 2017 16:48:03 GMT -5 Pants said:

Oct 4, 2017 16:12:13 GMT -5 swamp said:

Those of you who have daughters, 

When did you have "the talk" about periods, etc?

Did you use a book?   


DD is almost 10, and starting to mature.   We've had general talks, and knows generally what a period is, but I'm afraid when she starts, she's going to wig out. She wigs out about everything.

Help me! 

We have general talks (B is only five though).

I would have the talk now - I too have heard good things about The Care and Keeping of Me.

Also, it can't hurt to be direct. "When you first see blood from your period, it's normal to freak out. I'm here to tell you that while it can be scary, it's normal and in time you won't be scared any more. The first time it happens, I want you to come tell me. If you are at school, you can go to the nurse. You may also experience aches in your stomach, be mad or sad, or XYZ. It's ok to be scared - it's weird the first time it happens. But we will do everything we can to make this as comfortable as possible."

that sounds good.  I'll have her facetime with you.  

[Pants]

Oct 4, 2017 16:49:26 GMT -5 swamp said:

Oct 4, 2017 16:48:03 GMT -5 Pants said:

We have general talks (B is only five though).

I would have the talk now - I too have heard good things about The Care and Keeping of Me.

Also, it can't hurt to be direct. "When you first see blood from your period, it's normal to freak out. I'm here to tell you that while it can be scary, it's normal and in time you won't be scared any more. The first time it happens, I want you to come tell me. If you are at school, you can go to the nurse. You may also experience aches in your stomach, be mad or sad, or XYZ. It's ok to be scared - it's weird the first time it happens. But we will do everything we can to make this as comfortable as possible."

that sounds good.  I'll have her facetime with you.  

Sure, no problem. I, Internet Stranger, am 100% an expert on raising other people's children.

[Pants]

Also, have you seen the knixwear period underwear for teens? Something to consider. it's like a pad but washable and integrated into your underwear. I wear the adult version unless I'm swimming. Much more comfortable than tampons or pads, and it takes a while for most girls to be comfortable with tampons anyway.

[Deleted]

Oct 4, 2017 16:47:46 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

First period happened on vacation and I freaked out.  Cramps were so bad.  We came home and I holed up in bed with a heating pad. 

Yeah, I wondered about whether to mention cramps.  Mine were awful and only a session with a heating pad helped- that, or lying down and bending so that my legs touched the floor behind me.  They disappeared when I started taking BC pills and never came back when I switched to a diaphragm.

I suppose cramps are something she should be prepared for so she doesn't think something is wrong.  I like pants' approach of "we'll make this as comfortable as possible for you".  It might also help, depending on how she's wired, to remind her how amazing the female body really is.  They've been trying to create an artificial uterus for decades and, with the exception of being able to keep a few cells viable, the best minds in science haven't been able to do what we can do.  Periods are just a part of how that system works.

Of course I can get all gooey and sentimental about them.  I'm post-menopausal!

[NastyWoman]

Oct 4, 2017 16:47:46 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

We went to the gym in 5th grade for a movie.  I still had no idea. 

First period happened on vacation and I freaked out.  Cramps were so bad.  We came home and I holed up in bed with a heating pad.  Mom had not told me anything, but she never told me about sex either.

Must have been our moms generation (since we are the same age) → my mom never told me anything either. I was not so much freaked out when it happened the first time, as spitting mad when she told me this was going to be a monthly thing like FOREVER.  I thought a once and done was good enough

Mom never told any of my sisters (4 of them) anything either, but I suspected she wouldn't so I told them the limited information I had. For the rest it was all library...

[milee]

Oct 4, 2017 16:55:42 GMT -5 Pants said:

Also, have you seen the knixwear period underwear for teens? Something to consider. it's like a pad but washable and integrated into your underwear. I wear the adult version unless I'm swimming. Much more comfortable than tampons or pads, and it takes a while for most girls to be comfortable with tampons anyway.

The "Thinx" underwear works well, too.  

Sorry, no experience with how to talk to girls since DH's family only knows how to make boys...  but if it works like talking to boys the more blase and clinical you make it, the less likely they are to think it's a big deal.  

[empress of self-improvement]

I read "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret" and "Forever." That was the extent of my education. Then flipped out when I got my first period. I was just glad I was at my mother's that weekend.
It was embarassing enough to have to give my father a magazine article about yeast infections when I had one. He made me my first gyno appt.

[engineerdoe]

With a sister who was five years older, I kinda knew I was going to get my period and when I did, I told my mother and she told me that this will now be a regular thing.  In my mind that meant this was going to happen every damn day for the rest of my life.  So I would suggest you explain it better than my mom.
Also, let your son in on the wonders of a menstrual cycle cause every time I here some man say "I don't trust anything that bleeds for a week straight and doesn't die" I want to punch them in the throat and balls.
And on that note, I am also reminded of my own Aunt believing not even 10-15 years ago that if she didn't have her period her body still needed to get rid of the excess blood and she would get nose bleeds instead.

[Pants]

Oct 4, 2017 17:34:03 GMT -5 milee said:

Oct 4, 2017 16:55:42 GMT -5 Pants said:

Also, have you seen the knixwear period underwear for teens? Something to consider. it's like a pad but washable and integrated into your underwear. I wear the adult version unless I'm swimming. Much more comfortable than tampons or pads, and it takes a while for most girls to be comfortable with tampons anyway.

The "Thinx" underwear works well, too.  

Sorry, no experience with how to talk to girls since DH's family only knows how to make boys...  but if it works like talking to boys the more blase and clinical you make it, the less likely they are to think it's a big deal.  

Yeah I use the thinx - Knixwear specifically has a teen line that runs in smaller sizes though.

[Deleted]

I love my thinxs, but daughter thinks it's 'gross' and won't even try. 

Care and Keeping book is big among homeschoolers I know. 

I used Its Perfectly Normal, but it's too far for some.

www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Normal-Changing-Growing/dp/0763668729/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1507156882&sr=8-1&keywords=perfectly+normal

[giramomma]

DD1 is almost 10.

She understands about her period, but we haven't talked about the bleeding part yet. I mean, she knows to expect it, but we haven't talked pads or tampons.

I also need to talk to her about the HPV shot...

She understands about sex. And we've already told her that if she's interested in sex, she HAS to come to us for BC. We're going to still have two kids under 10 when my older two can become sexually active. We can't pay for another kid.  We just can't.

For my DD1, it's really better for us to do things jointly, and then when she's ready to do stuff on her own, she just does it.

We've been shaving her arms for a while. One day, she was ready to do it by herself and she just did it.

She also just asked to wear make up.

I have to run...need to pay attention in CPR class.

[raeoflyte]

Growing up it wasn't just 1 talk, it was a normal (maybe not daily, but frequent and not weird) conversation that happened regularly up until my first actual date.  

I'm not as good as my mom, but we've started those conversations with both kids.  

[Deleted]

Oct 4, 2017 16:16:26 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

I talked to my daughter when she was 10ish. It went horribly and I don't think she got any useful information from me, except that she probably won't have big boobs. Not my best parenting moment.

It went horribly for me, too.  I think my daughter got the idea that the guy pees inside of you.  Lol.  She was also about 10.

She told me that she thought she would be married for a few years and then decide if she wanted to have sex or not.

They should hire me out as birth control.

Her period, though, was the most AWESOME experience in her life.  Her 6th grade teacher was her grandmother's BFF.  She called her when it happened, and my MIL got her and took her mega-shopping to get her mind off it.  They bought the stores out.  My MIL had plenty of $$$ so my daughter still talks about it, and she's 40+.  I told her she had too many daughters for that to be my model if she was hinting.