Treating Other People

[Shooby]

 How often do you treat or pay for other people when doing things?  My oldest son's GF came over for dinner last night, then her, myself and DD went out for a pedicure and I treated.   How often do you treat for others, other people's kids, etc?
  We went on vacay in June and took my younger son's GF and we just paid for everything.  Where is the line between too much ?

[NoNamePerson]

Money can become a "controlling" thing with some people.

I assume that your sons are grown and have the resources to pay for themselves and their GF. Give them the opportunity to pay sometimes if possible. If you invited them to go along then it is on your nickel so to speak - this is aimed at pedicure, etc. 

And the GF's may want to pay for their share. It's a grownup thing and you need to let them be "grownups"

It's a fine line and a common sense thing to me. There is no finite answer as far as I can see    

[tractor]

I somehow pay for everything. I figure if it's my invite, I should pay. Even when they just tag along, I pay 😐

[NoNamePerson]

Jul 11, 2017 6:48:58 GMT -5 tractor said:

I somehow pay for everything. I figure if it's my invite, I should pay. Even when they just tag along, I pay 😐

I agree with this but there are some people who insist on paying even when the other person did the inviting especially when our kids are involved!!!

[Deleted]

How old are your kids?  Parents tend to continue paying for their kids way past when it is absolutely necessary.  It is part of the parent gene, I think, to take care of our kids.  We think of them as having "no money" long after they probably do.  

Still, I would have probably treated the GF regardless of how old she was unless it was her idea to hang out with you.  A lot would just depend on how it was set up.  How did you two happen to go together for a pedicure?

[gooddecisions]

My parents still pay the bill if we are out to dinner. It doesn't seem to be an issue, but we only see them a couple of times a year. I will probably pay for my kids as well when they are adults. Maybe it's a southern thing.

[Regis]

If we invite, we pay.

[jeffreymo]

I treat my parents every time I can grab the check before my dad gets to it. I'm 50/50 with one of my brothers. I buy drinks for my friends many of the times we meet up, although the outings aren't frequent. If college aged kids or younger are along with me/the family for dinner or a round of golf I'm buying.

[Blonde Granny]

I have found over the years that going dutch solves all the problems. That way no more keeping score or hard feelings because "I always have to pay" etc. Keep life simple by paying your own way.

[alabamagal]

With my kids (early 20s) we pay for everything. My oldest and her DH moved in with us late last year to get back on their feet financially. If we were going out for a quick meal, usually at casual cheap restaurant, we would invite them and pay. SIL joined army so DD is staying with us and we take her with us to restaurants frequently, even though they are doing fine financially now. We even took her to NASCAR race at Talladega ( we had ticket for SIL also but he was in boot camp), and took her to Journey concert Saturday also. A lot of it is that we get to spend time with her, she did not grow up here so she didn't know anyone, although she is meeting people at work and gym.

With my parents, they live far away, and if we do something together we will alternate picking up tabs, but they probably end up paying more often than we do. With MIL, she cannot afford to pay for anything and we always try to take her out and pay, or bring her a big meal so she can have leftovers.

[flamingo]

My parents treat when I am out with them a lot of the time. I try to treat, but rarely do they let that happen. If my DH is with us, then we usually go dutch, or DH and I treat. My mom and I are going on vacation later this summer and she's paying the lion's share of expenses. 

I don't worry about it. If it was a problem for them, they would tell me. I do a lot for them in terms of helping out with family, solving their tech issues, buying groceries on my way to see them, etc that they feel makes their lives easier. So, my mom tells me not to worry b/c she's paying me back for the time I spend helping out.

When out with friends, we tend to go dutch. It solves/prevents a LOT of problems.

[giramomma]

I think the issue is not necessarily paying, but the inviting and setting clearer expectations with your children.

Growing up, my parents did not really allow me to bring friends along to activities. They did allow me to bring a friend along as part of my birthday present when I was 16-17.

They also did not really do activities with DH or DH's family, even when we were married. Weren't interested. Once he came over to play a board game and watch tv..but that was technically before we were dating.

But this is also the culture they grew up with.

When we do the inviting...we pay. Sometimes, we'll offer on the spot (Hey, MIL, FIL, I'm getting a snack at concessions, would you like anything?)

When others do the inviting, the paying depends. If it's the ILs, they always pay. If DS gets invited to Teen night at the pool with a friend, we're expected to pony up for snacks for DS. A Magic event also depends. If it's a cheap night, we'll take care of dinner and the fee. If it's a $20 event, we pay for dinner and transportation and the friend takes care of the $20.

Both sets of parents enjoyed/enjoy paying for things even though they didn't/don't have to. But, I think they enjoy it.

That said, the Ils are vacationing about 6 hours away and have access to a particular brand of locally made italian sausage. I will give them money to pick up several packs for us (5, 6?) and have them bring them back.

ETA: I'm not sure how much SO inviting we will do on vacations while we still have minors in the house. I could see it depending on the type of vacation. I could see us inviting SOs along if our vacation is renting a cabin on a lake somewhere.  I could also see us inviting serious SOs, only. I don't think that we'd make our adult kids and SOs sleep in different rooms, but I'm not sure I'd want my youngest two seeing their older sibs sleeping with new SOs every year, or even different SOs in the summer.

If we do our typical driving vacations, SOs will likely not be invited. Just because of the additional expense of two more hotel rooms every night. We might need to go to two hotel rooms, as it is now. Paying for 4 separate hotel rooms for 2-3 weeks is going to get too pricey.

[tractor]

Jul 11, 2017 7:08:42 GMT -5 NoNamePerson said:

Jul 11, 2017 6:48:58 GMT -5 tractor said:

I somehow pay for everything. I figure if it's my invite, I should pay. Even when they just tag along, I pay 😐

I agree with this but there are some people who insist on paying even when the other person did the inviting especially when our kids are involved!!!

I would be one of those people. I can't explain it, other than I really enjoy helping others out (even if they don't need it).

[Bonny]

As an adult dining out or going on vacation with my mother it was always Dutch, even if she invited. I remember feeling a little suckered when after getting together after a long break for a trip for my birthday I was expected to pay half. But the trips were always interesting with great people. Once I realized what the unspoken rules were I was o.k. with it.

My dad always expects me to pay. He's been like that since my late teens when I started selling real estate. He's kind of a moocher but hasn't really had much money since giving up his engineering job when he was in his 40s. I justify taking him and his girlfriend out by coming up with some kind of excuse, this trip will be a "late Father's Day" present. In the last 12 or so years, they've probably taken me out 2 or 3 times. It is what it is.

With other people I generally follow the rule that if I invite I pay unless we've discussed other arrangements up front.

[Shooby]

   It's a little trickier now that my sons are adults and their GF's are adults, so not always sure where to draw those line, lol.

[Tiny]

Jul 11, 2017 7:32:12 GMT -5 Blonde Granny said:

I have found over the years that going dutch solves all the problems. That way no more keeping score or hard feelings because "I always have to pay" etc. Keep life simple by paying your own way.

   with the exception that if I'm going to "pick up the bill" for something - I say so as part of the invitation or when the impromptu thing is beginning. 

So, "hey, let's go out to the movies/get icecream/whatever - MY TREAT!"   

Versus - "hey do you want to go out to the movies? or is there something else you all want to do?"   which is the accepted "code" for going dutch IF we all decide to do something.

I settle for a little "awkward" upfront (people involved can graciously accept or decline before the 'fun') - rather than the bigger awkward when we get to the end of the 'fun' and the bill comes.  

 

[Tiny]

FWIW:  I've also worked on the feelings of needing reciprocation - if I treat this time for movies/icecream I'm NOT expecting everyone else to feel obligated to reciprocate this gesture of generosity in the future.    I absolutely HATE that thing were a "gift" must be given back for every "gift" received.... hate, hate, hate it with the passion of thousand burning suns.

[whoisjohngalt]

Jul 11, 2017 7:14:06 GMT -5 gooddecisions said:

My parents still pay the bill if we are out to dinner. It doesn't seem to be an issue, but we only see them a couple of times a year. I will probably pay for my kids as well when they are adults. Maybe it's a southern thing.

My parents do too.

Last week my mom went with us (me and the kids) to the zoo/amusement park.  She paid for everything.

When they visit, they always bring tons of food and buy pizza, sushi, etc for everyone.

I think it's a cultural thing for them??  I don't know.

What I do know is that I NEVER expect it, always appreciate it and try to teach my kids the same.

I don't  mind paying /treating as long as people don't see it as a given bc I only have to pay for my children until they are 18 and to IRS.  Everyone else - totally voluntary. 

[NoNamePerson]

I feel that people who always insist on paying deprive others of that good feeling of picking up the tab.

I relate back to once when my son had his first full time job and said let's go get something to eat. Check comes and I start to pick it up and get MOOOOM I am getting this. I saw the pride he felt.

Now as a single person hanging with other singles we go dutch.

I will admit that on ocassion I've paid for concert tickets to concert that I knew a friend wanted to go to but money was tight. I tell them that my son treated me to two tickets and they are none the wiser.  

[emma1420]

For me it depends on the parent.

My dad still pays for dinner's out, etc., when I see him (which is once sometimes twice a year).  Although, I think this is largely because when I stay with my brother I pay for everything while at my brother's house.  So really it's a case of my dad trying to make sure I don't go broke when I go home each year!  But, for example, my dad is coming to New York in November to watch me run the NYC marathon, and we are both on our own for expenses, although I'm sure I'll get a free meal somewhere along the line.

With my mother, while we never do activities together, the times that money has been involved I have always paid. When my mother asks me to pick-up something the expectation is that I will pay.

[Miss Tequila]

I always pay for my kids and their friends (oldest one is now 18 1/2 so technically an adult). My mother never pays and hasn't even offered since I was about 19 or so. I used to get annoyed because I can't stand when people expect others to pay for them.  But she helps me out a lot with my children so it all evens out.

BF had a really hard time with me paying when we first started dating.  That's just not how he was raised. His mom still asks me if he "makes me pay" because she would kill him if she knew I ever picked up the check!lol Overtime he finally relented and started allowing me to pay when I offered. We are probably at 50/50 now. I make very good money so there is no reason for him to feel the need to always pay.

I would never assume that someone else should pick up the check just because they arranged a night out.  I always go dutch with friends unless it is their birthday or some other special occasion. 

[Shooby]

My parents always paid.  I used to try to fight it, but then gave up.  Finally, one day my mom just took me aside and said they WANT to do it so let them.  I was like OK.  So, now i do that with my kids now that the mantle has been passed to me.

[Rob Base 2.0]

only doctors should treat other people. And maybe nurses and other medical professionals. But other people should not....,unless it is life or death and no other medical professionals are around (like doing CPR, Heimlich Maneuver, etc)

[zibazinski]

I pay for my kids. We are going to NYC for a few days. I booked two rooms. I'm giving one to DS and his GF. The other I planned to share with DD. Now DD has a new boyfriend and I'm not paying for a 3rd room. So I'll get to sleep in the same room with DD and her boyfriend. 😔

[Deleted]

Jul 11, 2017 15:02:05 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I pay for my kids. We are going to NYC for a few days. I booked two rooms. I'm giving one to DS and his GF. The other I planned to share with DD. Now DD has a new boyfriend and I'm not paying for a 3rd room. So I'll get to sleep in the same room with DD and her boyfriend. 😔

If I was only going to pay for two rooms, I would divide it up girls and guys.  Then I'd make the two girls share one of the beds.

No way would I be sleeping in a room with my daughter and her boyfriend.  It's not the sexual part.  It's the dressing, pulling off my bra when I got back, puttering around in my sleep shirt, the possible smell of the bathroom . . . 

Nope, I wouldn't do it.  

[dee27]

With our best friends, we usually split the check or alternate which one pays the bill. With larger groups we all ante up our share, but there are always one or two who expect someone else to pay the tab. With the kids, we pick up the tab or split the tab if it is very expensive especially if YDS and SIL are w/ us because they have huge appetites. Treating for special occasions, we pay the bill.

[zibazinski]

Jul 11, 2017 15:45:01 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

Jul 11, 2017 15:02:05 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

I pay for my kids. We are going to NYC for a few days. I booked two rooms. I'm giving one to DS and his GF. The other I planned to share with DD. Now DD has a new boyfriend and I'm not paying for a 3rd room. So I'll get to sleep in the same room with DD and her boyfriend. 😔

If I was only going to pay for two rooms, I would divide it up girls and guys.  Then I'd make the two girls share one of the beds.

No way would I be sleeping in a room with my daughter and her boyfriend.  It's not the sexual part.  It's the dressing, pulling off my bra when I got back, puttering around in my sleep shirt, the possible smell of the bathroom . . . 

Nope, I wouldn't do it.  

Well, I'm not a fan of sharing a room with them but I'm not going to pay for another room

[hoops902]

Jul 11, 2017 15:59:06 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Jul 11, 2017 15:45:01 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

If I was only going to pay for two rooms, I would divide it up girls and guys.  Then I'd make the two girls share one of the beds.

No way would I be sleeping in a room with my daughter and her boyfriend.  It's not the sexual part.  It's the dressing, pulling off my bra when I got back, puttering around in my sleep shirt, the possible smell of the bathroom . . . 

Nope, I wouldn't do it.  

Well, I'm not a fan of sharing a room with them but I'm not going to pay for another room

Assuming 2 rooms only though, why that particular split? Why not have girls in one room boys in another? or the kids/SOs in one room and you in the other? Of all the possible configurations, have you share a room with one couple, while another couple has their own room seems like the most awkward on the surface.

[Blonde Granny]

Jul 11, 2017 15:59:06 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Jul 11, 2017 15:45:01 GMT -5 @bamafan1954 said:

If I was only going to pay for two rooms, I would divide it up girls and guys.  Then I'd make the two girls share one of the beds.

No way would I be sleeping in a room with my daughter and her boyfriend.  It's not the sexual part.  It's the dressing, pulling off my bra when I got back, puttering around in my sleep shirt, the possible smell of the bathroom . . . 

Nope, I wouldn't do it.  

Well, I'm not a fan of sharing a room with them but I'm not going to pay for another room

Tell DS and GF along with DD and BF they are paying for their own rooms and you take a single for yourself.  If they are old enough to live together they are old enough to pay their own way.

[alabamagal]

Jul 11, 2017 16:03:01 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

Jul 11, 2017 15:59:06 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Well, I'm not a fan of sharing a room with them but I'm not going to pay for another room

Assuming 2 rooms only though, why that particular split? Why not have girls in one room boys in another? or the kids/SOs in one room and you in the other? Of all the possible configurations, have you share a room with one couple, while another couple has their own room seems like the most awkward on the surface.

If you vacation like my family, you would just all be in one room with someone on a cot  .

For our family vacation, we go with a big group and always stay in the same place.  We get a room for 6.  I have 3 kids.  A couple years ago, we started bring SOs.  The number of kids and number of SOs can vary depending on what the kids are doing.  One year we did have 2 boys and 2 GFs.  That was pretty hectic, just the amount of clothes and bags was a bit much.  Usually we end up with 5 total people.  One year we had 7, so DH and I got a 2 person room and put the kids in the other, although the youngest was without a SO and he didn't want to be the only single, but told him tough luck.  This year will only be 3 of us in the big room  .  DD will be there but spouse in in Army advanced training.  ODS just used all his vacation time for wedding/honeymoon, and YDS just started job and won't take time off.