Am I being Selfish?

[Deleted]

OK, you guys said I could rant and rage, so here goes...

Brief background:  Mom died of cancer October 4.  Funeral was supposed to be in Myrtle Beach this past Monday but with Hurricane Matthew bearing down they decided to postpone it.  (She was cremated immediately, which was what she wanted.)  DH has acute myeloid leukemia, he's 78, treatments haven't worked, doc says he has about a month left.  Doc may be a bit pessimistic but he's so weak and thin he's not going to last long.

Dad is meeting with the priest today to set a date.  Brother #2 and SIL #2 will be with him; they live nearby and have done a superhuman job of supporting Dad through this; Mom spent her last week at home, pretty much out of it on morphine and they were there.  I don't want to any burdens on them.

We were discussing the timing of the funeral by e-mail and I mentioned that I had an HOA Board meeting 10/20, and tickets to Mozart's Requiem with a friend (DH is really too frail to be there and I need a good Requiem right now).   Brother #1 hit Reply All and basically told me to let Dad pick whatever date worked for him.  Brother #1 was allowed to bully everyone all through childhood (he's a year younger than I am) because Dad didn't want him to grow up to be a doormat.  I wish I could tell you he grew up into an adult bully that nobody likes but he's had a successful career and everybody admires him.  I've made huge mistakes in my life by being a doormat, especially in my choice of first husband.  So yeah, I've got a lot of emotional baggage.

I wrote back to Brother #1 (only) the following:  "DH's doctor thinks he may have a month left, DS and DDIL  arrive 10/21 for a (probably) last visit with DH and I need to make 100% of the arrangements to get a husband with a severely compromised immune system and one foot already in the grave to my mother's funeral or make arrangements to get care for him here. I'm sorry if you think those facts should not enter into the decision the timing of the funeral."

He write back with all kinds of sympathetic noises but I was still angry.  Yes, I'd left some of the gory stuff out of my original e-mail to the family but wanted to spare them some of the drama in my life right now.  So, I didn't push it.

Now SIL #2 says Dad wants to have a Saturday funeral and the earliest available is October 22.  Yeah.  Goodbye Mozart's requiem, forget the HOA Board (OK, that's trivial), change DS and DDIL's visit (they're driving 3 hours, so at least no airline issues).

It's probably too late to voice an opinion, especially since they're meeting with the priest 1 hour 15 minutes from now- but am I carzy or selfish?  I'm really beside myself right now.  

[chiver78]

you are not at all being selfish. I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but you are absolutely entitled to your own feelings and the right to voice your own opinions. 

please let us know what happens.

[Gardening Grandma]

I am so sorry.  I'd be very tempted to let all the family members know the truth about what you are dealing with.

I don't understand the hurry. Last year, my mother died in Jan.  She was cremated and sis and I held a memorial service in June when it was more convenient for family members to attend.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Oct 12, 2016 8:53:17 GMT -5 chiver78 said:

you are not at all being selfish. I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do, but you are absolutely entitled to your own feelings and the right to voice your own opinions. 

please let us know what happens.

absolutely this.

[Lizard Queen]

I don't think you're being selfish either.  I'd call dad and tell him I won't be able to make it then, but I'm stubborn and a bit PA, so...

[973beachbum]

I'm so sorry you are going through this Athena!

I think this is one of those times where you have to do like the flight attendants say on the plane safety routine.  Put he oxygen mask on yourself first and then figure out who needs help the most next and work from there.

As hard as it is you may have to miss your mom's service.  Personally I would just say with DH right now you can't go but everyone is welcome to come visit us here now while they still can see him if they want.   Maybe even have dad come for a few days instead of you going to him.  They may not actually think about the fact that you traveling is hard now if you have always done it in the past.

Good luck and I hope you can find some peace during all this.

[Deleted]

Oct 12, 2016 8:58:11 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

I don't think you're being selfish either.  I'd call dad and tell him I won't be able to make it then, but I'm stubborn and a bit PA, so...

I wish I could be more like that.  The thing is, what people do or don't do at weddings and funerals tend to get into family lore and color relationships for decades after.  You know what I remember from the death of my Uncle, the marathon runner who dropped dead of a heart attack in his boss' office at age 42?  They left Step-Grandma out of the list of survivors in the obituary and SG actually called my grieving Aunt and pointed it out and wanted it to be reprinted. (Aunt complied although the Editor of their small-town paper kindly offered to "forget" again.)

What I'm tempted to do with the present situation is just remind myself that although my family is a group pf wonderful people in general, good parents, good grandparents, productive members of society, highly educated, all that stuff, some dysfunctional parts of my psyche were formed there and I'm going to have to consciously do something dysfunctional in order to keep peace and keep from burdening my father.  I can also hope that the October 22 date has magically become unavailable.  That would be nice.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Grief does funny things to people.  We don't always handle things the way we think we should or the way we think others should.  I've posted about the mess and drama concerning my grandfather's funeral.  I don't think my grandmother intentionally set out to hurt our feelings but that's how it came across at the time.

I don't think you are being selfish.

I don't think your siblings/father are being selfish either.

What about skyping the memorial service if they do not wish to postpone?   It's not perfect but it would allow you to be "present" without having to worry about travel arrangements.

[Deleted]

Oct 12, 2016 9:01:59 GMT -5 973beachbum said:

As hard as it is you may have to miss your mom's service.  Personally I would just say with DH right now you can't go but everyone is welcome to come visit us here now while they still can see him if they want.   Maybe even have dad come for a few days instead of you going to him.  They may not actually think about the fact that you traveling is hard now if you have always done it in the past.

Missing it is not an option- and that's for ME.  Frankly, her death hasn't hit me yet.  I need to be there, to attend the Requiem Mass, to talk to family members and share memories.  I have a small pile of Delta miles that would get me there if I wanted to fly, and an agency lined up that would have people come and stay with DH, but we talked about it and would rather be together.  His doc says no flying- planes are giant germ factories.  We know he could pick up an infection on the road trip (his immune system is severely compromised and he's taking prophylactic antibiotic, anti-fungal and anti-viral meds) but we figure he has so little time left we're willing to accept that risk.  I'm bringing his Healthcare POA and Living Will with us.

I'm halfway across the country from everyone else- they're all in the Carolinas.  Dad is 85 and, although he did plenty of air travel while he was working, he's not in any shape to handle flights now. 

[zibazinski]

Oct 12, 2016 9:10:09 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Oct 12, 2016 8:58:11 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

I don't think you're being selfish either.  I'd call dad and tell him I won't be able to make it then, but I'm stubborn and a bit PA, so...

I wish I could be more like that.  The thing is, what people do or don't do at weddings and funerals tend to get into family lore and color relationships for decades after.  You know what I remember from the death of my Uncle, the marathon runner who dropped dead of a heart attack in his boss' office at age 42?  They left Step-Grandma out of the list of survivors in the obituary and SG actually called my grieving Aunt and pointed it out and wanted it to be reprinted. (Aunt complied although the Editor of their small-town paper kindly offered to "forget" again.)

What I'm tempted to do with the present situation is just remind myself that although my family is a group pf wonderful people in general, good parents, good grandparents, productive members of society, highly educated, all that stuff, some dysfunctional parts of my psyche were formed there and I'm going to have to consciously do something dysfunctional in order to keep peace and keep from burdening my father.  I can also hope that the October 22 date has magically become unavailable.  That would be nice.

Nope, the "kids" wanted DH's obit to mention his ex wife in there. The funeral director said he'd handle it. He did-by not doing it. As it is, she hogged his memorial and his funeral from me which is why the kids were not invited to the unveiling.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Oct 12, 2016 8:55:44 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

I am so sorry.  I'd be very tempted to let all the family members know the truth about what you are dealing with.

I don't understand the hurry. Last year, my mother died in Jan.  She was cremated and sis and I held a memorial service in June when it was more convenient for family members to attend.

Neither do I.  Dad died in Feb., but we waited until July to have any sort of memorial for him because all of the grandkids were still in school.  Everyone had to travel at least half the country to attend.  

He was cremated too.

[Deleted]

Oct 12, 2016 8:55:44 GMT -5 Gardening Grandma said:

I don't understand the hurry. Last year, my mother died in Jan.  She was cremated and sis and I held a memorial service in June when it was more convenient for family members to attend.

I think Dad wants it that way and I can understand why.  Traditionally the family has always done the Roman Catholic thing: calling hours with the body laid out and a funeral mass in the next day or two.  Mom didn't want the calling hours (thanks, Mom! ) but we're all used to funerals soon after.  Dad is also looking at retirement communities and wants to move soon.  I know that widows/widowers are always advised to wait a year before making major decisions, but it's something he and Mom talked about starting in April when Mom was told her cancer had recurred after 8 years and had metastasized.  He'll be moving 4-5 hours away from Myrtle Beach near one or the other of my brothers. Dad is mobile and in full control of his mental faculties, but Brother #1 reported that when Dad was with them a couple of nights ago he fell.  Oops.  No injuries, thank God, but I've dealt with that with DH over the past few years.  A bad one can lead to a subdural hematoma (that's happened twice), which can further impair your balance and mobility.  DH had outpatient back surgery (vertebroplasty) last July after a fall which resulted in compression fractures of 2 vertebrae.  So, I can see why Dad would want to move on fairly soon.   Gathering 6 months from now(or whenever) would be weird whether it was in Myrtle Beach, which wouldn't be home for anyone at that point, or some town where Dad now lives but with no memories of Mom.

[swamp]

Oct 12, 2016 9:16:37 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Oct 12, 2016 9:01:59 GMT -5 973beachbum said:

As hard as it is you may have to miss your mom's service.  Personally I would just say with DH right now you can't go but everyone is welcome to come visit us here now while they still can see him if they want.   Maybe even have dad come for a few days instead of you going to him.  They may not actually think about the fact that you traveling is hard now if you have always done it in the past.

Missing it is not an option- and that's for ME.  Frankly, her death hasn't hit me yet.  I need to be there, to attend the Requiem Mass, to talk to family members and share memories.  I have a small pile of Delta miles that would get me there if I wanted to fly, and an agency lined up that would have people come and stay with DH, but we talked about it and would rather be together.  His doc says no flying- planes are giant germ factories.  We know he could pick up an infection on the road trip (his immune system is severely compromised and he's taking prophylactic antibiotic, anti-fungal and anti-viral meds) but we figure he has so little time left we're willing to accept that risk.  I'm bringing his Healthcare POA and Living Will with us.

I'm halfway across the country from everyone else- they're all in the Carolinas.  Dad is 85 and, although he did plenty of air travel while he was working, he's not in any shape to handle flights now. 

This is not the time to be all YM.  Fuck the money.  YOu have enough.  Do what you need to do.

[Deleted]

Oct 12, 2016 9:42:58 GMT -5 swamp said:

Oct 12, 2016 9:16:37 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

Missing it is not an option- and that's for ME.  Frankly, her death hasn't hit me yet.  I need to be there, to attend the Requiem Mass, to talk to family members and share memories.  I have a small pile of Delta miles that would get me there if I wanted to fly

I'm halfway across the country from everyone else- they're all in the Carolinas.  Dad is 85 and, although he did plenty of air travel while he was working, he's not in any shape to handle flights now. 

This is not the time to be all YM.  Fuck the money.  You have enough.  Do what you need to do.

I've kept this account active knowing in the back of my mind that I might have to use them for a funeral someday. You know how badly airlines rip off people who want to travel at the last minute. If I can avoid that by using miles, I certainly will. I get your general point, though. Money is not a consideration in any of this. I'm going to do what's best for DH and me.

[giramomma]

I think you have every right to request a time that works for you.

I personally would have left it with "It's expected that my husband will pass within a month. Could we please wait to do the memorial until after the Thanksgiving/Christmas Holidays?"

What you do with that month is of your own concern and needs no justifications. How you mourn is of your concern.

But, when you bring up how you mourn to people, you are opening it up to judgement. The more you tell people that have no problems hurting you, the more you make yourself vulnerable and put yourself in the position of being crapped on.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

[debthaven]

Could you just be up front and ask if they would please do it the Sat before (15 Oct) if it's still possible? Worst they can say is no, and it stays 22 Oct. But you have nothing to lose.

So sorry you're going through this Athena.

[GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl]

I'm not sure this helps -- my own family operates very similarly -- both with regard to immediate family interactions and extended family accountability -- but, what would your mother want you to do? Attend her funeral half a country away or spend quality time at home with your very ill DH? Does her choice of no wake/cremation indicate that she was mindful of others and so would want you to stay home? Can you have a memorial Mass said for her (and you) at a local church instead of making the trip?

Keeping you in my thoughts. The loss of loved ones is hard enough without a lot of added family drama and trauma.



ETA: my mother died after a short but valiant battle with cancer 20 years ago. At the time, my brother was closing on buying a business and moving his family half way across the country. In fact, the closing ended up being rescheduled several times as closings often are and was finally set to go on the day of her wake. We siblings made him go to the closing because that is what my mother would have wanted.

[gs11rmb]

I don't think you are being selfish. I also don't think your family are being selfish.  The illnesses of your mother and DH are intertwined for you but for your siblings and for your father in particular, the priority is the death of your mother. That doesn't mean they don't love you or your DH but simply they are in the midst of their own grief.

There will be many more HOA meetings and opportunities to attend the symphony.  Your DS and DDIL can visit on another weekend.  I think that you are grieving for both your mother and your husband and are therefore focusing on smaller issues as a method of distraction. 

This is a terrible time for you and I wish you the very best over the next difficult weeks and months.

[wvugurl26]

I don't think you are being selfish. You are trying to make it all work and that requires some consideration from those who are closer, don't have issues, etc.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm confused as to who actually knows how much time your dh has left. If they don't know, they probably should be given a heads up. Assuming there is a relatively normal relationship between you all. I know families vary in that. Mine would try to factor that in the timeline. It might not change anything but they'd try. I've got a big family and there's a lot of moving parts in scheduling things.

[Deleted]

Oct 12, 2016 9:56:19 GMT -5 GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl said:

I'm not sure this helps -- my own family operates very similarly -- both with regard to immediate family interactions and extended family accountability -- but, what would your mother want you to do? Attend her funeral half a country away or spend quality time at home with your very ill DH? Does her choice of no wake/cremation indicate that she was mindful of others and so would want you to stay home? Can you have a memorial Mass said for her (and you) at a local church instead of making the trip?

My mother would definitely have wanted me to do what comes closest to keeping me sane under the circumstances, and for me that means being there.  DH and I have decided together that we want him to be with me, so those aren't issues.  She didn't want calling hours because she never liked the whole process of putting makeup on a corpse and laying them out for everyone to see.  A memorial mass here wouldn't have much meaning; I want to be with the family.

I really appreciate all the responses, though- it's helping me clarify my own thoughts and priorities.

[bean29]

Oct 12, 2016 9:58:30 GMT -5 gs11rmb said:

I don't think you are being selfish. I also don't think your family are being selfish.  The illnesses of your mother and DH are intertwined for you but for your siblings and for your father in particular, the priority is the death of your mother. That doesn't mean they don't love you or your DH but simply they are in the midst of their own grief.

There will be many more HOA meetings and opportunities to attend the symphony.  Your DS and DDIL can visit on another weekend.  I think that you are grieving for both your mother and your husband and are therefore focusing on smaller issues as a method of distraction. 

This is a terrible time for you and I wish you the very best over the next difficult weeks and months.

While it is true that there will be many more HOA meetings (probably HOA's are only once a year) and that there will be many more Symphonies, The point of Althena going to the Symphony now, is it is something she scheduled for herself to help her relax and get away from being the primary caregiver for someone who is terminally ill.  She is on 24/7 with virtually no time for herself.  Saying that she can just go to the Symphony next year is just insensitive and uncaring given the circumstances.

I think her Brother is looking at it the way you are, but he should be looking at it in terms of respite. He just does not understand the importance this has to her emotional health and wellness.

[Deleted]

Oct 12, 2016 10:04:38 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

I'm confused as to who actually knows how much time your dh has left. If they don't know, they probably should be given a heads up. Assuming there is a relatively normal relationship between you all. I know families vary in that. Mine would try to factor that in the timeline. It might not change anything but they'd try. I've got a big family and there's a lot of moving parts in scheduling things.

I mentioned it to Brother #1.  The others certainly know DH is weak and frail and terminally ill.  I really don't want to hang too much on the one-month estimate.  In early June my sister, an OB-Gyn, talked with Mom's doctors and in her refreshingly non-technical words, "the cancer has gone ballistic" and Mom had maybe a few weeks left.  DH and I went out there and had a wonderful visit in mid-June and I'm glad we did, but Mom lasted 4 months more.  If I push to move the service to, say, December, DH could still be alive but near death,  Then what? I'd actually prefer to have the service now- just not the weekend that looks likely. 

[hoops902]

Yes, I think you're being selfish...the real question is whether being selfish is reasonable here (my opinion, it is reasonable here, but I think you've done yourself a disservice in your communication with your brother)

I'm going to say that if you were my sister, and our mother died, and in trying to schedule the funeral you brought up having an HOA meeting and concert tickets...I'd probably have been a lot meaner in my response than your brother was.  I'd probably also think that your follow-up email about your husband and kids was just a bunch of you being overly dramatic given that you didn't mention it at all initially...and that this was really just you not wanting to give up your HOA meeting or concert tickets.  It just SOUNDS kind of passive-aggressive (even if it's not at all).  It SOUNDS as if you just didn't want to miss the things you mentioned initially, and when they didn't give in, you came up with a much more critical reason not to schedule it on that weekend (I realize this isn't what you did, but the order of it would probably make it sound this way to the other party).

This is probably the time I wouldn't do things via email.  Call your brother up, explain that you didn't want to get into the details and probably made a poor decision to consider concert tickets and an HOA meeting in the planning of Mom's funeral.  That those 2 things weren't really the reason you didn't want to do it that weekend, but that weekend is terrible for you as your kids come in to see their terminally ill father, that you're stressed out about it, and just threw out the first thing you could think of that wasn't going to lead down a sad path of thinking.

Lastly, I would say that since your father is still alive, it's really his decision and I think your brother was probably spot-on with that assessment (assuming he wasn't then also trying to push for a specific date).  You're entitled to your feelings.  Consider how you'd feel though if DH passed away and you picked a date for the funeral, at which point your child said "oohh, ya know...I actually have concert tickets then"...it just SOUNDS bad, and anything you say after that still gets run through the lens of the fact you led with that.  Even if the date doesn't change, pick up the phone and start a fresh conversation based on honesty and your real feelings, even if that's uncomfortable.  Assuming you still like your brother (and it sounds like you like and respect him), this is what family is for.  Even if it doesn't change anything, I wouldn't want my brother thinking I really cared about an HOA meeting or a concert as compared to my mother's funeral.  This is the type of thing that causes family rifts over misunderstandings.

[Deleted]

Oct 12, 2016 10:18:01 GMT -5 bean29 said:

While it is true that there will be many more HOA meetings (probably HOA's are only once a year) and that there will be many more Symphonies, The point of Althena going to the Symphony now, is it is something she scheduled for herself to help her relax and get away from being the primary caregiver for someone who is terminally ill.  She is on 24/7 with virtually no time for herself.  Saying that she can just go to the Symphony next year is just insensitive and uncaring given the circumstances.

[/p][/quote]

I appreciate your sympathy but it's not quite that bad. The Requiem is important to me because it's a magnificent piece of music, it's highly relevant right now, and DH and I missed Beethoven's 9th at the Symphony in July because he fell and hurt his back two days before (which led to the vertebroplasty). HOA Board meetings are monthly; I'm the Secretary. That's less of a big deal; they'll live without me for one meeting. And, while OI do live with concern about DH 24/7, I get to the gym every day and am keeping up outside activities (and he understands that, bless him) because I'm going to have to make a life for myself after he's gone. If it gets to the point that I need to hire people to stay with him so I can go to the gym, I'll do it.

[kjto1]

I am sorry to hear about your Mom's passing.  I am also sorry to hear about your husbands decline. 

[Deleted]

Oct 12, 2016 10:25:22 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

Yes, I think you're being selfish...the real question is whether being selfish is reasonable here (my opinion, it is reasonable here, but I think you've done yourself a disservice in your communication with your brother)

<snip>Consider how you'd feel though if DH passed away and you picked a date for the funeral, at which point your child said "oohh, ya know...I actually have concert tickets then"...it just SOUNDS bad, and anything you say after that still gets run through the lens of the fact you led with that.  Even if the date doesn't change, pick up the phone and start a fresh conversation based on honesty and your real feelings, even if that's uncomfortable.  Assuming you still like your brother (and it sounds like you like and respect him), this is what family is for.  Even if it doesn't change anything, I wouldn't want my brother thinking I really cared about an HOA meeting or a concert as compared to my mother's funeral.  This is the type of thing that causes family rifts over misunderstandings.

Yeah, I know I started off on the wrong foot with that e-mail and I need to talk with my brother in person when we're all together.  I have plenty of time to figure out who I'll word it- and, thank heaven, can run this all by DH since I just woke him up.

ETA:  but now that I think of it, was it bad to tell them what dates might not work for me?  If we were of a religion where you bury the body within 24 hours, I would have dropped everything to be there at the time.  It was made clear that there was leeway in the timing of the funeral since Mom was being cremated.  I expressed a preference for some dates over others.  It was most definitely NOT "If it's scheduled on 10/21 I can't make it because I have Symphony tickets".

[Tiny]

Athena,

I think you should do your best to get to your mother's memorial service.   Your hubby comes first though. 

 The HOA meeting is easily skipped that's a no brainer.   It sucks that you may have to  miss the Requiem performance but there will be others in the future and you can 'dedicate' your taking in future proformances to your mother or hubby.   Memorial services ONLY happen once. 

If you really need a Requiem fix - what about listening to one on CD? I'm fond of Requiems (and Masses) and would recommend Mozart's requiem (the one with Pavarotti is very nice...) or maybe a more operatic Verdi Requiem or maybe the beauty of Faure's Requiem would help? Those are my 3 favorites. I have atleast a dozen different Requiem's on CD so I know they exist. It's not as cathartic as a live performance - but still satisifying. Schedule in the quiet time (alone or with friends/relatives) to just listen - with no interruptions it may help. 

My SIL passed away unexpectedly and  the night of her wake  I had tickets to Parsifal - an opera I had been anticipating and waiting for and REALLY wanting to see for nearly 2 years.    I bypassed the opera.  It may be another 5 or 6 years before it comes back around... but so be it.  In the big picture, it was more important to be at the wake (which only happens ONCE) than to have gone to the much anticipated and excited about opera.    Yeah, it still kinda "stings" that I didn't get to see the performance - and the opera will forever be tied to my SIL/brother and their family - but I'll survive.  

I've witnessed way too many relatives do the "in the moment" thing of NOT changing their "day" plans for Life Milestones that have occurred... and the hard feelings and regrets that follow.    

Your Mother's memorial service is a Life Milestone.   Only another Life Milestone thing should supercede it.    

[alabamagal]

I agree with hoops that it does come off as a bit selfish, but understandable.  It is a bad situation all around, and your schedule got f'ed by the hurricane, and now it is hard to come to an agreement.  

If YOU want to attend the funeral to deal with the loss of your mother, then attend.  If it messes up other things, so be it.  The funeral is more important that meetings and concerts.

You need to think about the relationships you want to have with your family in the future.  Your dad is probably the most important relationship and I would definitely keep his feelings in mind.  If the rest of your family gets pissed off, then that may be less of a concern.

I'll tell you what happened when my FIL passed away, it has a lot of similarities to your situation.  My FIL (who was in frail health anyway) got pneumonia during the week that DH and I (plus 2 kids in their 20s and 2 GFs) were visiting my extended family in Florida and going on our annual one week vacation.  At first FIL was sick and would get better, then took a turn for the worse.  DH's family was then calling him telling his dad was unconscious and didn't have long to live and he needed to drop everything and go to hospital, despite the fact that we had driven to FL with a group and if FIL was unaware what was the point.  He died the next day.  Then MIL decides to schedule funeral 2 days later, which REALLY pissed me off.  So we had to pack up, leave my extended family, drive 10 hours that evening through late night to get home, our beach clothes and repack, buy funeral outfits for the 2 GFs who were in our group, drive 3 hours to MIL's and attend the funeral the next morning.  Also had to fly my DD from TX at last minute (somehow the airlines didn't have the funeral rates available).  This was 5 years ago.  I am STILL PISSED at MIL about the scheduling, but we did not have a great relationship anyway.  DH and his sister no longer speak after he didn't run to the bedside, but they did not get along before that anyway.  And yes, I know I sound selfish about how this affected me, but too bad.

[giramomma]

Oct 12, 2016 10:30:37 GMT -5 @athena53 said:

ETA:  but now that I think of it, was it bad to tell them what dates might not work for me?  If we were of a religion where you bury the body within 24 hours, I would have dropped everything to be there at the time.  It was made clear that there was leeway in the timing of the funeral since Mom was being cremated.  I expressed a preference for some dates over others.  It was most definitely NOT "If it's scheduled on 10/21 I can't make it because I have Symphony tickets".

No. I don't think you were bad to say what dates wouldn't work for you. I just would not have said why.

My mom did not mourn the loss of my grandmother in a conventional way. Mom was however, given the space she needed to mourn how she needed to. No explanations were given..