Destination events

[debthaven]

We were invited to the 50th birthday party of DH's friend (actually his ex but I'm fine with that). I would have preferred to skip it but DH wanted to go so we went. 

We got cheap flights there, and sprung for a hotel that was above our budget so we could be with other close friends from the UK who were also going.  

My problem was this: we were scheduled from the minute we arrived at 7 pm on Friday until the minute we left at 5 pm on Sunday. I'm 56, I left camp behind a long time ago. I NEED my down / chill time. The only time I could get it was by opting out of certain activities, which I did. So did one of the close friends from the UK, so he and I had breakfast together and took our time meeting the others for lunch and the afternoon events. 

I didn't even know this was a "thing"! I ABSOLUTELY HATED it, although the city itself (Bergamo) was stunning. I absolutely HATED being in a crowd of 30 ppl and having every freaking waking minute organised. 

The worst thing was dinner on Fri night. We were picked up at the airport (we and another couple were the last people to arrive that day.) We were picked up by two tour guides and a private coach, taken to the "birthday girl's" apartment, and then all taken 40 min out of town to a FABULOUS restaurant that served us a FABULOUS dinner. For (literally) 4.5 hours. But, we didn't pay for dinner, so I'm not supposed to complain. 

If I could have walked back or taken a taxi, believe me, I would have. I couldn't however tell "birthday girl" get me the hell out of here. I was nearly in tears and I wasn't the only one. We got back to our hotel at 1 am (remember we were picked up at the airport, we hadn't even checked into our hotel). The next scheduled event was at 9 am. DH went, I didn't. 

WTF?!

On Sunday when we went to say goodbye, birthday girl told us she is organising another 4 or 5 day weekend in June to see the Christo installation. I said, sorry, DS3 has his Baccalaureate that week, so we can't go. DH complained that I was "humourless and uncharming" when I refused. I told DH that if being "humourless and uncharming" meant I'd be spared a third invitation, it was well worth it, and if not, I'd have to hone my skills. I reminded DH I can be a LOT more humourless and uncharming than that! He said he didn't want to go either, but he left it would have been kinder to let her know we were considering it rather than just saying no way. I disagree. 

But WTF?! WTF with a bunch of adults going around in a 30-person herd like they're in middle school or camp or orientation week in college?! 

Has anybody else had any experience with this sort of thing?!

[Wisconsin Beth]

No but your dh is wrong about being humorless for saying you've already got something going on that week, unless I'm missing something.

My daughter makes her 1st Communion May 1st. No way am I planning any trips the week leading into that. And I'm saying "Nope, can't go due to dd"

[Apple]

First, I think it's best to outright say that "we can't do that, son has this".  If someone can't, or doesn't want, to do something, I'd rather know asap so I'm not planning stuff with them in mind (or around them, or whatever-- like "x doesn't like chicken, so I need to do beef", and "y is allergic to celery, so need to make sure that's not in anything", or "z is....").  And it's not like you were "I have to be home to let the dog in even though three other people live in the house", you had a valid reason.

As for the constant activity, that's not for me at all.  I like my own time and space, and do not need to be entertained non-stop.  However, I've found some people do :/  I guess it's better to have stuff available to do, with the clear understanding that participation in everything is not expected.

I've had family say "we should go do this".  I travel very differently, and don't want to spend thousands of dollars trying to match my travel style with their's.  I've tried that with my sister and found out that it just ends up with me near miserable, and I refuse to pay that much in money and time off work to deal with it again.

The only time I've been with a bunch of adults going in a herd is on a tour.  It's why I try to book small tours when possible (like the tour of the Maginot Line with only the guide, DS, and me).  

[debthaven]

Beth, DH (who is British and believe me it explains a lot, the other Brits may concur) feels it would be much kinder to say thank you for invitation, we'll look into it, and then say no at a later time. I think that's ridiculous, so I refuse to comply with his UK rules. He and I both know we totally disagree on that. 

[debthaven]

Exactly, Apple. She wants to rent another coach to the exhibit and said she is planning it but needs to know how many people are available / willing. So to me no point in keeping her hanging, better to give her an honest answer ASAP so she doesn't wonder if the two of us are interested / available. 

But yeah, it's more about the 24/7 activities. I was just floored. The funny thing is, everybody was bitching about getting to their hotel / apt at 1 am and having to be somewhere at 9 am for a museum tour, but our friend and I were actually the only 2 people who opted out of it. 

[Apple]

Even on guided tours you get afternoons/mornings off on different days for a break from each other!

[debthaven]

EXACTLY!!! I just couldn't believe it. That's WAAAY too much togetherness for me. There were two people I really like there besides DH. Even though I really like them I don't need to spend 24/7 with them! 

DH wouldn't skip ANYTHING. Although that really irritated me, it's not a surprise. He is an artist and a lot of the outings involved art, so so be it. DH did compromise on not going back to birthday girl's apartment to eat leftovers / spend the afternoon, so we walked around the walled city and went out to lunch with our UK friend. To me that was the best part of the trip, because we were just the 3 of us.

I didn't love DH's attitude but we've been together for nearly 25 years so it's not a surprise, and I can compromise. I understand that DH wanted to do all the artistic things.

What I can't understand is how 30 people can spend 48 hours together 24/7 except for literally 7 hours  the first night, and only 6 hours the second night. ON A WEEKEND! And I can't understand how people can spend literally 4.5 hours at a dinner!!!

ETA: I think I have never been so happy to get home!  

[dannylion]

Actually, debthaven, I think your response was quite good-natured and charming. Humorless and uncharming would have been telling her "Are you out of your freaking mind?  There is nothing on Earth that could persuade me to attend another one of your suffocating, mind-numbing, soul-devouring events."  Your response was fine.

Christo?  Seriously?  His "art" is pointless and stupid.   

[debthaven]

Haha Danny I wish you had been with me, because that's exactly what I wanted to say LOL! I too thought I was being charming by giving her a legitimate answer LOL!

ETA: And ditto on Christo! (Even DH agrees with that, but being British, Gd forbid you should tell anybody how you really feel, lest you seem "rude", which is much worst than matricide / patricide / incest and breaking the rest of the 10 Commandments.)

I'm sure you've had to contend with that unspoken British 11th commandment, "Thou Shalt Not Be Rude". When I break it, I tell DH, what do you expect, I'm from NY? To his credit, he usually bursts out laughing. But not always. 

[plugginaway22]

Debt, I have never attended anything like that and would feel as you do!  But let me tell you, the trend with these weddings is coming close to that!  A Friday night reception or light meal for all out of town guests, activities during the day, Wedding/Reception, an after party somewhere else, Sunday brunch....WAY TOO MUCH to try to pack into a weekend!
Both my DDs complain about this every time they are in a wedding or invited to a big wedding.

[milee]

One of my high school reunions was planned by a person like this. I hadn't seen most of those people for 20 years and I had no desire to have Friday night dinner and then drinks, meet up again on Saturday morning at the beach for games and a cookout leading into Saturday night dinner and drinks, followed by Sunday brunch. I'm tired just typing that. 

Some people just like a lot more organized activities and togetherness than others. I'm in Debthaven's camp - too much togetherness for me.

[Lizard Queen]

Yeah, that sounds both awesome and miserable at the same time, if that makes any sense. I hate feeling trapped, and being on other people's timeline makes it impossible for me to relax and enjoy the situation. (Having everything done and arranged for me would be kind of nice, though.)

4.5 hours for dinner-- I'd probably walk or get a cab if at all possible. I like to go and chill at the hotel before going anywhere when traveling. Doesn't seem unreasonable. Don't people like to freshen up after traveling? And being around people every waking moment--I'd be rude and humorless too. I don't like people that much. :-p

[Artemis Windsong]

No experience.  I don't know how this person got 30 people to agree then show up.

[Deleted]

That would drive me crazy. Heck, DH and I love traveling together but we're not joined at the hip 24/7 and we sure aren't that scheduled. I'd hate languishing for over 4 hours in a restaurant in an interesting city.

And if I don't have time for a daily workout, I really get grumpy.

[Tennesseer]

It's unreasonable to expect your guests to be involved in group activities from dawn to dusk and beyond.  Plus those attending are adults of all ages with various likes and dislikes, interests (my interests are not necessarily your interests), along with possible various health conditions.

Throw in that most, if not all, had to travel by car and air to Bergamo.  (Pretty place by the way-looked the city up 5-6 months ago because the city walls were mentioned in an article I came across.)

The most that should have taken place was an early meal on arrival date, maybe one group activity mid-day (for not too long), a big group dinner Saturday evening (if this was a weekend gathering) and finally,  bruch the following day for those still there and wishing to eat together.

[TheOtherMe]

I would have been totally miserable and stayed in my room once I finally got there. 

I used to take group trips to Europe and there was always free time built in.

[happyhoix]

I think this might be a control thing.

We used to go on family vacations - my family, my two sisters and my parents. Prior to even arriving at the site, the favorite daughter and my mom would organize the week's activities. No one else was consulted. It was possible to opt out, but this usually caused sulking. Both thought you had to be up by 8 and out the door by 9 to get in a full day of vacation activities or you weren't getting your money's worth.

We disagreed about where to go for meals, too, and if I suggested a different activity than one they had planned, sulking ensued. In fact, it was almost impossible to do avoid a lot of sulking.

We only did this a few times. Figured our vacation time was too scarce and valuable to waste being bossed around like a herd of goats.

[ArchietheDragon]

sounds fancy

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

Feb 1, 2016 18:10:39 GMT -5 debthaven said:

Beth, DH (who is British and believe me it explains a lot, the other Brits may concur) feels it would be much kinder to say thank you for invitation, we'll look into it, and then say no at a later time. I think that's ridiculous, so I refuse to comply with his UK rules. He and I both know we totally disagree on that. 

Must be an American thing. If I know we have plans that day/weekend, I will say that immediately. 

[Knee Deep in Water Chloe]

So, I'll be a bit of a dissenter. I'm the one who organizes vacations for DH's family. 365 days per year, I need to know the plan. It doesn't matter what the plan is; I just need to know what it is. For those of us who reside in that head space, being spontaneous is actually painful and causes panic attacks. The sub-goals during our family vacations are to avoid getting to the end of the vacation and people going "but we didn't do anything." It's also to make sure we have meals at normal times with acceptable food for everyone.  Now, that said, I absolutely consult with people about what they want to do during our group vacations. I absolutely build in down time. We actually eat breakfast much later than our nuclear family normally does because it works better for almost everyone else. I don't get offended when some of the group doesn't attend part of the activities.  

[resolution]

Depending on the company, I could have enjoyed the 4.5 hour dinner. I have a few friends that I can talk with for hours, especially if there is good food and wine involved. Then again there have been circumstances where I have attended large parties and miserably counted the minutes until I could escape, it really just depends on the company.

I couldn't have handled not checking into the hotel until 1 am. I am always tense until I am checked in and know I have a place to stay.

[tskeeter]

Feb 1, 2016 19:40:58 GMT -5 Lizard Queen said:

Yeah, that sounds both awesome and miserable at the same time, if that makes any sense. I hate feeling trapped, and being on other people's timeline makes it impossible for me to relax and enjoy the situation. (Having everything done and arranged for me would be kind of nice, though.)

4.5 hours for dinner-- I'd probably walk or get a cab if at all possible. I like to go and chill at the hotel before going anywhere when traveling. Doesn't seem unreasonable. Don't people like to freshen up after traveling? And being around people every waking moment--I'd be rude and humorless too. I don't like people that much. :-p

Kind of sounds like the birthday girl had been on location for a couple of days resting up for a weekend of revelry and touristing. Unlike her travel lagged guests.

[busymom]

I would HATE having every single minute scheduled. I need some "down time" too. In fact, when meeting up for family reunions, we tend to make hotel reservations just to be able to have our own time to unwind. I love being with people, but being stuck with a group for hours at a time with no escape is NOT my idea of a good time.

[debthaven]

Kind of sounds like the birthday girl had been on location for a couple of days resting up for a weekend of revelry and touristing. Unlike her travel lagged guests.

Bingo! This is exactly it. 

[Shooby]

  Wow, getting 30 people to convene and run her agenda is quite a skill and  feat on it's own!  She ought to be entering the arena of politics or something!  lol  
  But, i agree, that would be tiring.  Might be ok for some really special event and just go and suck it up but yeah, who wants to make a habit of that?  As for the other upcoming event, i think you could have probably said "oh that sounds lovely" and just left it at that.  And, then of course, just decline when the next invite comes.